Better Left Unwritten

A reminder.

2011-02-02T00:29:00.000-05:00

In case you're wondering why the updates aren't so common here these days, it's because we've moved on to our new digs at The Nerd Empire.

You should really check it out. It's basically everything you like about Better Left Unwritten, but much, much more. We've got more writers, daily updates and a really cool title banner. I'm just saying, that little nerd by the flags is adorable.

Go here to see it in all its nerdy glory: The Nerd Empire!

Updating goodness.

2011-01-19T18:07:00.000-05:00

Well, I've basically fallen in love with the new site and how much extra stuff I can do when compared with this blog.

What that means is that Better Left Unwritten will essentially act as a temporary rerouting service. By February 1st (and probably earlier) all the content from here will be moved to The Nerd Empire. From today onward, all new updates will be showing up there, so I suggest you change your bookmarks accordingly. I'll still make a few more of these posts to catch the stragglers, though, just in case.

Go here:
www.thenerdempire.net

Enjoy it now. Thank me later. And happy nerding.

As promised...

2011-01-17T22:02:00.000-05:00

As per our agreement, today is your sneak peak of The Nerd Empire and Ascension: Origins. Granted, it wasn't technically an agreement - it was more like me telling you what was going to happen. But by not refusing, I accept that as a form of you agreeing with me.

Since this gets you cool sneak peaks, I doubt you'll complain.

Of course, the site is in early beta. If any of your questions revolve around whether or not I'm going to change something, the answer is probably "yes." Except for the logo - that thing is sweet.

Hopefully you enjoy the look. And if it completely crashes out for some reason, let me know. It was fine when I went there, but I'm hoping it stays that way.

Now, on your way then - to The Nerd Empire.

I wouldn't mind some feedback - do share, if you have the time.

Waste of Time Awards - Best in Show

2011-01-15T22:47:00.000-05:00

We've reached the final day of the awards, and that can mean only one thing - I'm out of tiny award statues with clocks on the top and I have to stiff the winner today.

I won't waste a lot of words introducing this one. As it is, the winner has already devoured a good chunk of my time in 2010. Hopefully, in 2011, I might be able to find more time to do actual productive things.

With how awesome "Monster Hunter Tri" is, though, it's not looking good.

Rather than reuse the same red curtain award backdrop I've been using the past three days, I thought I'd mix it up and just make an original comic based on the winner. So this is what you get. If it's not quite as epic as you think it should be, I suggest imagining a hardcore guitar solo playing in the second panel.

And with that, we wrap up a successful year of awards and a great 2010. Congratulations to the winners. (All both of them.)

But in letting go of the old, we also look forward to the new. Among them are two major events happening right on this blog (or linked to it by this blog, at least - we'll see) next week. On Monday, I plan to unveil the first installment of "Ascension: Origins" - "Cold Eyes." You'll also get your very first look at this site's big brother - "The Nerd Empire."

While I can't get into too many details right now, I can assure you that The Nerd Empire will be your one-stop shop for all things nerd. I'll also be expanding my staff to include new writers. And, by the way, if that's something that interests you, get in touch with me.

In any case, I'm literally so excited I could squeal, but that would be embarrassing, so I won't.

Waste of Time Awards - Alternative Media

2011-01-14T20:06:00.000-05:00

In a third day of shocking results, someone is going to be walking home with two awards this year.

Seriously, how crazy has this all been? I bet you're all shocked out by now. Like, if you'd have had hiccups when these awards started, they'd be destroyed by now.

And the winner of Biggest Waste of Time in Alternative Media is "Fullmetal Alchemist." Yes, yes. I know what you're thinking. How can it win when it already won in Film and Television. Well, as luck would have it, that anime series is based on an even more excellent monthly manga series.

As much as I'd love to spread the awards around, there was no bigger waste of my time over the past year, urging me to check back for translated mangas over and over again. And even better, the series ended just around issue 100, long before I lost my interest. Yes, while "Bleach" had the enemy turning into a larva, a butterfly, then a guy with longer hair, then a weird-looking guy, Fullmetal Alchemist had the enemy turn from a guy to a monster to a god to dead. Very quickly, might I add.

Edward Elric will be going home clutching an award in both his real and mechanical arm this year.

(Note: That's probably why you shouldn't learn alchemy on an empty stomach.)

As alternative media is literally anything, I won't be ranking the rest of the top five. Instead, I'll just have them in no apparent order. If you need to assume one is better because it appears first, then go ahead, though.

Taco Bell Food - As much as I hate to admit it, I'm captivated by Taco Bell. I'm excited for new items. And I don't just wait - I literally go to their website a few times a week to get sneak peaks. With the addition of the Volcano items (again - this happened five years ago, too), I'd say they had a great year.

Caffeine - They say a candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. Well, not really. Because with caffeine, I burn three times longer and ten times brighter. Then...I crash and the analogy sort of falls apart. Unless candles start falling down and slurring after six hours, too.

"Penny Arcade" - In the world of nerds, these guys are essentially royalty. What nerd wouldn't like to sit around all day playing video games and writing about them? That wasn't rhetorical - if you know one, I'll need his name and address. They should be studied or something, because that's just weird.

"High School of the Dead" - This manga combines two of my favorite things. Zombies - check. More zombies - check. This is probably the one storyline set in high school that isn't boring. Think of it like "Dawson's Creek," except Dawson has a sawed-off shotgun.

And that concludes the three main categories of the Wasties. Tune in on Saturday for the "Best in Show." Who will win? The video game I show obvious favoritism for, or the series that's already won two awards? Who knows? I do.

If you want to know, you should check in tomorrow.

Waste of Time Awards - Film and Television

2011-01-12T16:31:00.000-05:00

To continue our trend of shocking awards, the second day of the Wasties proves that a movie grossing several trillion dollars is no guarantee it will even end up on my top five.

Thanks to a money-grubbing "Special Edition," "Avatar" was in the running as a 2010 contender for Biggest Waste of Time in Film and Television. Thanks to a director more concerned with visual effects than substance, it also allowed it to be utterly terrible. In fact, given its long run-time and embarrassing writing, this year, it receives "honorable" mention as "Worst in Film and Television."

But no need to dwell on the negatives.

As for the actual winner, the best series of 2010 goes to "Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood." This anime - based on the original manga rather than cobbled together like the first series - was utterly amazing. With excellent characters, action and a plot-line that kept you guessing until the very end, it was everything an anime should be. And for non-anime folk, it's at least watchable.

Perhaps most impressive is the fact that it's only sixty-four episodes. This clocks in at about five hundred less than longer-running series like "Bleach," "Naruto" or "Inuyasha." Being able to stay awake through the entire run is a nice bonus.

It did, however, face some stiff competition:

2) "Family Guy: Something Something Something Dark Side" - As a "Star Wars" spoof, this technically qualifies as a nerd program. This was just a step from taking the first place spot. Pretty much one more good Meg joke would have done it.

And yes, "Family Guy: It's a Trap" was pretty good, but like "Return of the Jedi," it just didn't stack up to the second movie.

3) "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse" - Yes, I see some eye rolls at this one. Unfortunately, my hands were tied. As the only movie of the year that featured violent vampire wars, it was pretty much guaranteed an award. If you can point out another movie where an undead Civil War officer decapitates evil vampires alongside a pack of werewolves, please point it out.

4) "How to Train Your Dragon" - This one edged in at the last moment, since I went most of the year without seeing it. I was impressed with the continuing ability of animated films to not be overly-cutesy when they need to. Let's hope that in two or three years, there will be nothing in these movies for kids at all.

5) "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" - Overall, this was a pretty good movie - one I definitely recommend seeing. Bafflingly, Nicolas Cage didn't do the usual "Nicolas Cage' thing and muck up the movie. I would absolutely love seeing a sequel someday soon.

You may notice that the two big guns - "Avatar" and "Inception" - are absent from the list. What can I say? "Inception" was over-hyped to the point that it was essentially unwatchable. "Avatar" was under-written to the point where it was unwatchable. (Believe me - I tried.)

What do you think? I wouldn't be surprised if people second-guessed my choices. Then again, given how quickly people stopped talking about "Avatar," I wouldn't be surprised if people didn't.

Up next on Friday is the "Alternative Media Category."

Waste of Time Awards - Video Games

2011-01-10T19:03:00.001-05:00

This award is only a day or so old now and we're already beginning with a shocking result - "World of Warcraft" did not win in the Video Games Category.

So who could have put up better numbers? Well, it was none other than the Wii's "Monster Hunter Tri." With 182 hours - more than a week's worth of continuous play, or 2% of all my time in 2010 - it was the Winner of Biggest Waste of Time in Video Games!

To accept this award will be Reia, the character I play:

This game got some big numbers with an early year release. But that's not all that carried it. It was a mix of fun and frustratingly hard gameplay that forced me to replay encounters again and again until I won.

And it was this same frustration that had me coming back to old encounters with better equipment just to kill the monsters again out of spite. I'll give Capcom credit for making the most infuriating game in exactly the right ways to be a replay goldmine. The difficulty was always exactly enough to keep me interested but never quite enough to remove the game disc and pump two rounds into it execution-style.

And, for those interested, here's how the contender's did.

2. "World of Warcraft" (PC) - A respectable 92 hours. Of course, many will point out that it may have won if "Cataclysm" were released earlier in the year. But winners don't need excuses to win - it's what separates the games that nibble on my free time and those that devour it.

3. "Super Smash Bros. Brawl" (Wii) - An impressive 84 hours - almost enough for the number two slot. Once again, lots of replay options gave both myself and Jess lots of reasons to come back to the ring. Sadly, we stopped once the only trophies left to win involved beating impossible challenges with 600 different characters...

4. "Katamari Damacy" (PS2) - A baffling 61 hours. This quirky game about rolling a sticky ball over objects to making an even larger ball somehow got played for over two full days. This is all the more surprising, given that the game's soundtrack is like the elevator music in Hell.

5. "Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn" (Wii) - Rounding out the top five, this game ate up 42 hours. This fun tactical RPG is probably one of the best (and only) on the Wii. Assuming I have a yen to play the super-bonus second play through with the secret ending, it might get a slot on this list next year.

How do you think this list matches up with your own? Please do tell. I'm guessing those with actual next-generation systems may have had varying mileage.

Stay tuned - up Wednesday is the "Film and Television Category."

1st Annual "Waste of Time" Awards!

2011-01-09T19:43:00.001-05:00

As a fun treat for 2011, we've decided to recognize and honor those most nerdy of activities known for eating up every ounce of our free time. Just remember, though. When it comes to being a nerd, there's no such thing as a waste of time - only being dedicated.

There will be three major categories:

1) Video Games - Fairly self-explanatory. These are weighted by total time played. Whichever game was played the most this past year will be the winner.

2) Film and Television - Also fairly self-explanatory. The best and nerdiest movie or television show wins. Of course, those that were watched over and over will get some extra weighting. Basically, if I wore out the DVD, there's a good chance it will win.

3) Other Media - This is essentially anything nerdy that doesn't fall under the other categories. It could include visual media, other types of gaming and whatever else comes up. Sense random things will be competing, I have no objective way of scoring, but the best thing will win. Does that help?

This will be a week-long event, so check back frequently. A category will be decided on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And Saturday, each of the three winners will compete for Best of Show as "The Biggest Time Waster of 2010."

Honor and glory will, no doubt, ensue for the victor, while shame and humiliation await for "Jame's Cameron's Avatar." Er...the losers...whoever they may be.

So without further ado, welcome to the 2010 "Wasties." (Not quite as catchy as "Oscars," but it'll do.) Grab some popcorn. Get ready to second-guess the outcomes. And most of all, just have fun.

By the way, the Dorktionary is now up and running - so check that out, too.

Don't Overdo It...

2011-01-06T19:48:00.002-05:00

For those of you who didn't get my clever allusion in the last post, I'll be clearer - I recently asked my girlfriend of three years to marry me.

...Yes, she said yes.

In the lead-up I had a number of really amazing ideas of exactly how to propose. Many of which were incredibly nerdy. The majority of these may have also made her consider her answer much more carefully. Mercifully, I went with the classic "on one knee, asking" tactic.

No doubt, many people think of this as a betrayal of nerd ideals. First off, I was in trouble for actually dating a girl. To not propose in an over-the-top nerdy way is essentially blasphemy.

But - lest we forget - here are a few ways of asking that didn't or wouldn't go so well:

1) Mario Hacking - Several people have hacked their old "Mario" games to show marriage proposals in coins or blocks. I've seen three outcomes. One went okay. Another, the girl got pissed. The third, most hilariously, ended with the girl not noticing. Obviously, not always the way to go.

2) Pac-Man Hacking - At least one person has hacked his old Atari "Pac-Man" cartridge to pop the question. The problem? He programmed it for level 100. His girlfriend couldn't get past 10. And the icing on the cake? After she was furious he kept pushing her to play, he tried himself and couldn't reach it either.

A failure as a boyfriend and as a nerd.

3) Online Marriage - A nerd inspired his girlfriend to play "World of Warcraft" for a month. This was all a setup to his character eventually kneeling and proposing to hers. Unless your girlfriend is ridiculously into the game, too, this isn't nearly as romantic as you think. Especially with the follow-up that they should be married on the bridge leading into Stormwind.

You know, the secret bridge leading into the most populated city in the game where nobody would ever wander through their ceremony and making a scene.

4) Nerd Comic - As per "Penny Arcade," at least one gamer has proposed through a comic. This is actually pretty cute, assuming your girlfriend enjoys public displays. It's also far cuter if she says yes - otherwise, that would be a pretty devastating way to display your shame forever.

5) All-out Fail - Particularly out-of-touch nerds may get the "clever" idea to dress up as their favorite character and propose that way. To my knowledge, this has never happened. Then again, if I dressed up like Inuyasha and was shot down, I doubt I'd be spreading word around either.

Assuming this ever happened, I'm sure this secret died with the nerd's hopes of marriage.

So, as you can see, romance and nerds don't always mix well. If you've got an idea to pop the question and it seems too nerdy, you may want to reconsider. Like a proposal at a sporting event, it's really best to consider what the girl would think instead of random people on online forums.

A good rule of thumb - if you'd need to beat a video game or watch an entire anime series to understand your proposal, it's not a great idea.

Monster Hunter - Resolutions

2011-01-04T22:22:00.003-05:00

(Note: As Deviljho is enormous and very detailed, the picture had to be exceptionally large for this post.)

As the pictures are quite large already, I'll keep this fairly short.

Once again, it's a New Year. For many of us, that means making resolutions. For most of those people, it also means failing them.

But that's not my point today, so I won't digress.

Unlike people, video game characters are incapable of change. This means that whether they want to shed a little holiday weight, cut down on the gambling or just try something new everyday, they have to stay the same. To help, I've decided to write their resolutions for them.

Link (Legend of Zelda):
Consider a new wardrobe. And not just different colors. I mean, like, something non-tunic. I'd address the hoarding and thievery, but one step at a time, I suppose.

Kirby:
Eat less. Or throw up less. I'm willing to settle for either.

Sonic the Hedgehog:
It would probably be cute if I said something about slowing down and enjoying life, but really, I'd just like him to stop starring in games that suck.

All Cat People with Irritating Voices:
Die.

Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII):
Stop being such a wishy washy crybaby. Seriously. How can someone who carries such an enormous sword whine so much about having to fight?

Well, I think that pretty well covers it. As I was aiming at keeping this post short, I'll stop here. As I've also forgotten a few hundred video game characters, I might also come back to this in another column.

In other site news, I'll soon be adding a dedicated "Monster Hunter" section for their own comics. I've also received requests for a "Dorktionary" to clarify confusing nerd terms. As I didn't come up with the name for that and am furious that someone else gave me the idea, I'll say no more on it for now.

In other, other news, you might be amused if you check the staff page and read the adjusted titles under each of the staff member's names.

The Site-a-clysm is upon us...

2011-01-02T23:39:00.000-05:00

For the new year, I decided to update a lot of stuff around here. Then some more stuff. Then...everything else.

As for why it's called the "Site-a-clysm," well, that's because I enjoy making puns based on popular online role-playing expansions. I think it's a nice title, given that pretty much everything here is changing. It's shouldn't be confused with the "Matt-a-clysm," the marathon episode of food poisoning and vomiting two days ago that delayed this update slightly.

There's lots of things you might want to check out. Among them are the new "Video Game Trailers" and "You Should be Watching" for this month. Joining them will be the new page, "You Should be Playing," which details a number of free online games worth a good play or two. You should find them quite enjoyable, except for their ability to ravage your free time.

Also keep an eye out for "Ascension: Origins," the upcoming comic series for this site. It's a fantasy and a bit of a departure from the usual comedic fare here, but it's still quite nerdy. Hopefully you enjoy it as much as our creative team here has enjoyed writing and drawing it.

Otherwise, yeah, look how wide this center column is. You see that? Pretty cool, eh?

So from all of us here (both of us - Shelby is visiting relatives), we hope you enjoy all that's in store for the new year. Happy New Year! And happy nerding in 2011!

Nerd's Guide to 2am

2010-12-30T02:25:00.000-05:00

There are people out there who only see 2am as they turn over in bed during a good night's sleep - as a nerd, that kind of weirds me out.

I'm not sure if there was ever a point in my life when I went to bed early. My parents were never strict about bedtimes. This may have been because they trusted to me to make good decisions about sleep on my own. It may have also - and more likely - been because I went to sleep at 3am and still got good grades, so I was effectively untouchable. You'd have to ask them.

Either way, I quickly found that late night living suited my nerdy lifestyle very well. And judging by the odd spike this site usually gets in traffic between 11pm and 2am, I'm not alone. Or...there's a time zone thing.

As that second theory invalidates my entire point, I'll assume it's the first idea.

I'm assuming many of you already know the wonders of insomnia. (It helps to have a job that starts around noon, or it's far less fun.) For those who don't, though, there are a number of interesting things that happen early in the morning.

-They loop the programming on "Adult Swim." Most people know this. What they don't realize, though, is that due to sleep deprivation, everything gets a lot funnier. The anime that runs a second time is still interesting, and in many cases, it's suddenly a comedy.

Note: "King of the Hill," however, remains the exactly as unbearable the second time - go figure.

-Assuming sleeping people are nearby, anything on your television louder than a mouse clearing its throat sounds like a bomb going off.

-The good part of your video game comes right when you're just about to drop from exhaustion.

-If it's 5am and you're still up, consider hiding your phone. Because that inflatable knife set you thought looked ridiculous at 3am looks kind of tempting at 4am. And an hour later, you're wondering if you'll be okay with only one set.

-A wave of food commercials will hit the moment the last restaurant in your area closes.

Note: Beware this if you tend to be a late night eater. Similar to infomercials, that "disgusting" food looks pretty good at 3am. That "expired" food looks fairly edible at 4am. And that stuff you're "allergic to" is tender and juicy come 5am.

Monster Hunter - Christmas Wishes

2010-12-27T21:33:00.000-05:00

(Note: No, there's nothing wrong with your eyes. The comics actually look different. They may seem more hand-drawn, which would be ideal, as they now are.

Or...there's something wrong with your eyes, in addition to this new change.)

By now, I'm sure everyone is basking in their hauls from Christmas. That is, assuming, you happen to celebrate this particular holiday. Or, at least, your friends do, and give you gifts against your will.

As a nerd, I've always found this to be a somewhat difficult holiday. Since most of my gifts are either obscure or related to confusing technology, I can't always expect others to get me the right things. Asking for a laptop with particular specifications is kind of like speaking to people in Korean.

Luckily, my girlfriend is fluent in nerdish - not only does she understand what I want, she can also explain it to her parents.

I won't bore you with my entire gift list, but I was very happy with everything I got. "Cataclysm," obviously, was awesome. I also got a lot of tasty treats. And, most importantly for the site, we also got a very high-quality scanner/printer so I can publish better and faster blog posts. Though, if I'm not mistaken, that gift might have been for Jess, and I just kind of stole it already.

...I'll have to look into that.

More on-topic, I was commissioned - or rather, asked nicely - to do a "Monster Hunter" Christmas comic. As I draw very little else, it seemed like a good idea. But I still get to seem generous, okay?

The comic does bring up valid questions. Assuming monsters were good, what would they be asking for? I'd imagine they'd have some interesting wish lists - in addition to the more obvious wish that random people stop killing them.

Great Jaggis would probably like some earplugs to block out the constant screeching from their entourage. Royal Ludroth might consider a turtleneck. Caedeus could use a beard-grooming kit. Gigginox, well, I really have no idea.

Hunters, clearly, don't need Christmas gifts - they just carve them off monsters.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T15:29:00.000-05:00

For Christmas this year, I thought I'd post in cliche:

'Twas the evening of Christmas and we all were sleeping,

To counteract the two days of huge overeating.

The stockings each look rather limp on the wall,

Now deprived of their filling - I got a huge haul.

Jess got me "Wacraft," as per my expectations,

Though I doubt she's considered the ramifications.

If you think of all of the time I'll be playing,

It's like buying her boyfriend a hooker - just saying.

As this rhyme scheme is quickly becoming a chore,

I think this is where I'll be cutting this short.

So I'll end with this message to nerds far and near:

"Merry Christmas to All...Cataclysm is here..."

Hopefully it was a good holiday for the rest of you. You'll have to let me know about all the fun stuff you got or consumed in bulk quantities. Until then, I think I've got another Christmas meal or two to make an appearance and lose my self-respect at, so I must be going.

Merry Christmas and Happy Nerding.

You Were Probably Happier Not Knowing...

2010-12-22T17:02:00.000-05:00

Well, it’s finally happened – the blog has gotten 10,000 hits.

Of course, I’m very excited. In addition to being seen by thousands of people, my blog has been viewed in more than seventy-five different countries all around the world. As some of these countries have only two views, I’m not saying it’s popular, but it’s at least tolerated.

I’d like to claim that this overwhelming tide of support has been due to a universal love of all things nerdy. But I can’t. Apparently, I also owe a lot to a general ignorance on the topic of “birth control,” “hilarious birth control” and “birth control funny” – basically the top search terms leading to this site.

Don't believe me? Here's the analysis of the searches that lead to the site. I'll share them with you. Pay attention to the very top terms...and one near the bottom that's deeply, deeply disturbing.

At the very least, I know why this is such a popular blog on birth control – this entry here and this one here are to blame.

There are probably people who think I should be upset at the topics leading people here. But it’s not a good idea to look a gift horse in the mouth. Regardless of how stupid that saying is.

Perhaps more disturbing than the leading search terms are the ones that appeared only once or twice. "Cowboy bebop snuggie" is a bit out of left field. And I have a vague idea why “i feel like a monster” leads here, given all the “Monster Hunter” comics – that doesn’t make it any less weird, though.

If someone knows that guy, uh, could you give him a hug or something?

Anyway, it's a big milestone. But the rest of the staff and I are even more excited about what’s in store for the coming year. Among these things are more articles, more comics and lots of great recommendations about how to get the most out of your thick-rimmed black glasses.

We’re also very excited to announce a regular fantasy comic that will be introduced. And the comics will be getting a new, polished look, as I’m going to start hand-drawing them, scanning them and editing them on computer. The results, in all probability, will rock your socks off, regardless of fabric choice or length above the ankle.

No doubt, hand-drawing comics will make my life a lot easier and ensure much quicker posting. That’s the good news. The bad news is that hand-drawing on paper is, ironically, the single way I could take a step down from using “MS Paint” to publish comics.

Anyway, thanks for making the site such a big hit – and prepare your eyeballs for more to come.

Things I Already Know

2010-12-20T09:08:00.000-05:00

As a proud member of the Digital Age, I can receive updates on world events the moment they happen. No matter what corner of the world something happens in, I'm right in the loop. But rest assured, as far as things I already know are concerned, I don't need to be reminded.

Two or three times a week, I'll see a story online about a research study. The details vary from story to story, but the outcome is the same. Any person with a fifth-grade education and half an ounce of common sense already knew the findings.

Which is all the worse when these studies cost millions upon millions of dollars.

What would be a better use of that money? Well...anything. Because I don't need ten million dollars to realize that "teenagers generally identify themselves as unhappy" or "overweight individuals report above-average low self-esteem." That's right up there with the headline "Pope mostly considers self Catholic."

In the same vein, I've been seeing a lot of "news" lately about "World of Warcraft: Cataclysm" that shouldn't really be news to anyone. When I saw it broke every sales record for the year, I wasn't shocked. When I heard there was a one-night boost to video game store sales, I kind of saw it coming.

A few days back, a particularly out-of-touch technology columnist made the bold prediction of saying, "Cataclysm very well may be the RPG hit of the holiday season."

It's risky going out on a limb like that for a game that sold about three million copies in one hour - I hope he keeps his job if he's wrong.

The point is, I'm starting to realize that in the Digital Age, I'm a bit too well-informed. I like to know exactly what's going on in the world at any time. But even in an Internet with unlimited space to store information, there's just no room for information I knew ten minutes post-womb.

And yes, that comic is accurate - everyone has "Cataclysm."

Monster Hunter: Cha-Cha Accessories

2010-12-15T20:51:00.000-05:00

Have you ever heard of being alone in a crowded room? In my case, it's often being alone in a room full of millions of people. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm a bit notorious when it comes to my solo gaming habits. Though many games have online multi-player modes to enjoy, I generally prefer the offline version. In fact, even in games that have only an online version - such as "World of Warcraft" - I find it irritating to bump into other people.

By no means am I antisocial. But after five years of college and endless group work projects, along with a team-based work environment and a committed relationship, I've come to appreciate a little solitude here and there. It's not that I don't enjoy playing games with other people. For me, it's just a lot easier to unwind when the only person I can let down is myself.

In the case of "Monster Hunter Tri," I'm secretly convinced that I suck - a fact that the offline mode is much less likely to notice than a living, breathing person.

Ironically, there are people who are the exact opposite of me. They love the online multi-player. They love it so much, in fact, that they have things in the offline version that mimic other people. They invite non-existent people to play with them. Somehow, this seems insulting to schizophrenics, who don't have the option to turn these people off.

My experiences with these "fake people" has been...well, hilarious. I remember playing with "bots" in the original "Half-Life" who trash-talked as they shot at you. Playing capture the flag with fake humans who yell things at you that you pre-determine in the options menu is exactly as fun as it sounds.

They're something surreal about a computer program saying it slept with your mom last night after head-shotting you...because you programmed it to.

In Monster Hunter, Cha-Cha is the closest thing they have to a second player (assuming you have no one else at home to play with). As horrible as it would be, I'd like to see an option to customize his behavior to mimic a real person. The snobby high-rank player and hopeless low-level seem like good options.

They're apparently pretty popular gaming types, as they're the bulk of all complaints on the forums.

Tech Fails - "MyLife.com"

2010-12-12T06:42:00.000-05:00

Now, I'm not normally one to talk about sad but trendy technology fads. Wait. Actually, come to think of it, that's all I do.

The latest piece of failure technology is "MyLife.com" and similar sites. Allegedly, the idea is that you go there and find out all the people from your past who've been looking for you. Who knows? Maybe that one guy you liked that one time but didn't like you has started to like you. And maybe he doesn't have Facebook to just find you the easy, normal way.

And romance ensues, or so people who dress up their cats are led to believe.

In reality, I'm not sold. Even if this product works exactly as advertised - and that's a big "if" - the entire idea is a little sad. There's a reason you left your old boyfriends and girlfriends. In all likelihood, this reason has no statute of limitations.

If they left you, you're probably better off. If you left them, of course they were pining after you. You don't need an online service to tell you these things. And you certainly don't need an online service to tell stalkers your associated addresses, which I've heard the site does.

Your nights will probably be a lot more pleasant without the thought that a guy you stood up ten years ago knows where you live.

Aside from all these negatives, think of the how this works. An old flame goes looking for you. You then join a site that tells you they were looking for you. How do you broach that conversation to them? "I see you were obsessing over me. Well, I was obsessing over you. Do you like coffee? Do you like awkwardness? Great. How's this Thursday?"

I think online dating can work. I do. But something about playing "stalker tag" doesn't exactly sound like a romance novel in the works. To sum up, if you'd hide the story of how you met someone from your grandchildren, it's probably not worth doing.

I realize it's a little one-sided to review the system without trying it. But I don't have to. Realizing people from my past were searching for me wouldn't make me happy. It would creep me out. And it would make me wonder why my stalkers weren't tech-saavy enough to use Facebook. And what they were dressing their cats like.

Of course, if the site has ever personally resulted in a long marriage and at least two and a half children for any of you, I'd be delighted to be proved wrong.

A Quick Announcement

2010-12-09T20:36:00.000-05:00

Just to let everyone know, I've updated the video game trailers to include a few new games that should be rocking your faces off in the very near future.

I've also added a new monthly section of my recommendations of things to watch. There's some good watching to be had in December, so I suggest you check it out. Those wanting some good recommendations each month should come back periodically. The title will change from "December" to "January" when there's new information, so that will take out the guess work.

Anyway, it's all part of ramping up efforts on the site for the new year, so get ready. The awesomeness is coming. There will be no escape.

Missing Some Magic

2010-12-09T19:30:00.000-05:00

I didn't think I've ever found caffeine as revolting as when it doesn't dance.

For the past month or so, I've been captivated by that dancing "Tassimo" robot. It dances and capers for you while preparing your coffee, and even asks what it can do for you. Every time I see our lazy motionless coffee maker sitting there, it makes me sick.

Despite my largely sedentary lifestyle, I'm surprisingly flamboyant, fun and prone to spurts of dancing. (Ask my girlfriend - or her therapist - to verify this.) But for whatever reason, when it came to furnishing my home, I decided to surround myself with cheap, non-dancing appliances. Go figure.

Granted, it's a gimmick. I know a dancing, talking coffee maker won't make my beverage taste better. I think my mornings are just missing a little magic that a polite capering robot could easily provide.

Worse still is that now I'm suddenly very aware of how motionless all my stuff is, and I hate it.

So, I'm left with two options. (This discounts the third option of "getting over it.") The first is to actually buy one, which would cost me several hundred dollars. The second - and this is the direction I'm leaning in thus far - is to find a way to make our current coffee maker dance. And, if there's time, I wouldn't hate it if he just did some general butler duties around the kitchen.

I'm not sure how exactly to go about the second option. Even if I could figure out some "Frosty the Snowman" magic hat situation to bring it to life, there are obvious faults with the plan. For one, giving my coffee maker life and free will sounds like the start of a robot killing spree movie.

For another, I'm not sure how much Christmas magic is around to spare, but I'm betting sad orphans probably get first dibs or something.

World of Warcraft: The Non-Expansionist Guide

2010-12-06T17:37:00.000-05:00

My life situation - currently a divine mixture of responsibility and poverty - has made me decide to forgo the "Cataclysm" expansion of "World of Warcraft" for the time being.

As I assume I'm not the only one in this position, I decided to write briefly on how to cope with the change (or lack thereof). Hopefully, it will aid those without the ability to enjoy all the amazing new content available to others. Ideally, we'll all realize that even without the new races, new levels, new zones, new weapons and armor...hmmm. I think I forgot my original point somewhere in realizing all the stuff I can't have.

In that case, rather than writing about how to cope, I will simply go into the fetal position.

For those not in the know, expansion packs add a vast amount of new content onto existing games. In the case of online games, this creates a unique situation of having people playing alongside one another who have or don't have the expansion. There are "the haves" - those with access to the amazing new material. And there are those without - we will refer to them as "the forsaken."

Of course, those without the new expansion can still play. It would be unfair to cut them off, as they still pay a monthly fee. They simply won't be able to interact with any of the new content. Actually, they'll be able to look at it - just not touch it.

Which, come to think of it, kind of makes it even meaner.

A good analogy would be renting an apartment. One day, the landlord would explain that he's added a kitchen and that - for a one-time fee - you'll be allowed to use it as much as you like. Your roommates jump at the chance to experience the widely-anticipated refrigerator and microwave, whereas you decide to hold on to your money. Since you still pay rent, you get to live there. You just can't walk into that room or enjoy any of the things there.

Every day, your friends walk in and out of the new kitchen showing you all the cool things they can make there. Over time, they slowly leave you behind and spend all their time there. I'll end the analogy here, as in addition to being sad that I don't have "Cataclysm," I've also made myself very hungry.

I'm sure I'll eventually buy the expansion - it will just be very hard in the interim. Every moment I spend without the expansion is one where I don't have my new worgen character. The worgen are a race of shape-shifting creatures with the ability to shift between human and werewolf at will. I realize this doesn't make them sound like anything besides any other cliche werewolf, but I assure you that they're quite different. These ones talk in British accents.

Yeah. I know. It's going to be a long month.

Nerdsgiving 2010!

2010-11-30T14:07:00.000-05:00

Nerdsgiving went off without a hitch again this year. It was a time of fun, festivity and tolerance towards niche entertainment media such as anime, manga and video games. Judging by the blank expressions of the people who just read this paragraph, I feel I should explain.

Although I suspect its origins are much earlier, my girlfriend and I recently started celebrating Nerdsgiving last year. It's the one time of the year where we come together to do overly nerdy activities, no matter how weird they may be. For example, last year we watched the entire anime series "Akikan." Besides the fact that it was only in English subtitles, the plot involved fighting girls who transformed to and from cans of soda by being kissed for the purposes of determining whether aluminum or steel cans were superior.

That's not even a joke. That's the real plot summary of that series. But it does nicely illustrate my point - no matter how nerdy the anime, nothing is off-limits on Nerdsgiving.

In my relationship, I feel it's good exercise in compromise. Even if there are occasional scuffles over what we're watching on television, there are times when you just have to give up the remote. In mixed nerd and normal couples, there has to be a decent balance between video games and "Say Yes to the Dress."

Though, for the record, having a "Say Yes to the Dress" RPG would make everyone a lot happier.

This year, Jess and I enjoyed a marathon of science fiction movies and more mainstream anime. My eyes were a bit too tired to be reading through English subtitles. Not to mention, I think I had a hope we could watch something weird enough to top "Akikan." Sadly, as far as I know, nothing exists.

In any case, I wanted to bring the holiday to everyone's attention. For those interested in partaking in the festivities next year, all you need is a little junk food and some anime to watch. It traditionally occurs the weekend after Thanksgiving. It may span one or more days, depending on your personal tolerance and sleeping habits (or lack thereof).

So have fun, and Happy Nerdsgiving!

Turkey-lagged.

2010-11-27T08:42:00.000-05:00

I'm currently about neck-deep in turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy and any number of other delicious proteins and carbs that make you very sleepy - suffice it say, this will be quick.

I've recently been given a job. You probably won't hear much about it, as it isn't all that hilarious. But I thought it was worth sharing, as it means a few changes around here. At least for a few days, while I get things straightened up, my writing and drawing will be more erratic than usual.

Oh, and when I say erratic, I mean the schedule will be a bit random. I hadn't planned on just typing random words and letters. That would be too erratic.

In the meanwhile, I ask that you bear with the transition. I doubt it will be pleasant, but if we all pitch in around here, it should be painless. What I'm saying is, until I get used to work, I'll be expecting my readers to post articles and comics here for me.

Just kidding - I'll get on that shortly.

For those of you who simply can't wait, I suggest gorging on leftovers. It's all the fun of eating with the guarantee of sleep tacked onto the end. Because for Thanksgiving, if you're not exhausted after every meal, then you're probably not doing it right.

Sorry to the countries that don't really celebrate Thanksgiving. First off, I'm sorry to talk about such an inside cultural thing you might not get. And second, of course, well, I just think you're missing out. For that, I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

It's pretty much just eating - what country wouldn't love that?

Video Game Aversion: Language Quirks

2010-11-21T17:06:00.000-05:00

This week, I thought I'd address an issue that's common (and irritating) in both anime and video games - people with pointless language quirks.

There's no real-world counterpart to this annoyance. But if it helps, imagine if people randomly interspersed semi-words into sentences like "nyah," "shaka," "laka," and other such nonsense. It's kind of like how Canadian people say, "Eh?" at the end of sentences, but less...language.

Aside from occasionally making a character incomprehensible, it doesn't add much to a game or anime. Ever. Though it may convince you to forcefully add a remote or Wii controller to your television screen.

In "Monster Hunter Tri," your tiny Shakalaka companion Cha-Cha has one such quirk. Instead of saying, "We just killed that monster," he may say something along the lines of, "We shaka-smacked that laka-loser." The only upside is that the game allows you to kick him. It doesn't make him stop, but I admit that it tends to make me feel better.

This same idea carries over in many animes, where it's apparently a law that at least one character must have cat ears and talk in an irritating voice. They must also randomly meow while talking. I assume these same laws are also responsible for half the people who flip onto television anime and leave six seconds later.

Maybe Japanese culture is big on being irritated - unfortunately, it doesn't carry over to Western societies.

Don't Fear the Remake

2010-11-17T11:45:00.000-05:00

I've spent a lot of time hovering between "cautious optimism" and "wanting to write strongly-worded and somewhat immature letters to Nintendo" regarding their remake of "Goldeneye" for the Wii.

During my crazier 64-bit cartridge days, it was one of my favorite games. That's not saying much, as it was practically everyone's favorite. (For the record, I only think the "Beatles" were okay, though, so it evens that out.) What was impressive, however, is that it managed to be my favorite in spite of the fact that I don't even like first-person shooters. Then again, most shooting games don't give you the option of shooting thousands of Russian soldiers in the crotch and watching them dance.

The thought of a remake was initially bad news for me. Sure, I'd love a great new game to play. But remakes of any kind tend to range in quality somewhere in the range of "awful" to "Amy Winehouse."

After a lot of thinking, though, I realized that maybe that's the point - even if remakes suck, they can never take away the three years of fun I had misusing proximity mines so long ago.

Look at it this way. A lot of people thought the new "Godzilla" movie was terrible a while back. But consider what it was remaking. Was a poorly-dubbed monster tearing through cheap cardboard cutouts of buildings really all that amazing? I think the remake just pointed out flaws in the existing product - if you use an ugly model for a sculpture, your final product will look bad, too.

And, if nothing else (and I'm pretty sure there was nothing), that movie did have a "Taco Bell" tie-in when they introduced Gorditas, so humanity did okay on that one, I think.

The important thing to remember is that we tend to put our fondest memories on a pedestal. After a few years pass, we may even idealize them to the point that nothing could possibly compete. It's no surprise when, a little later, the remake...well, doesn't compete.

Even if this new Goldeneye isn't all its cracked up to be, I think I'm okay with it. If it's great, that's fine - judging from the reviews so far, it looks like it's at least worth a rental. Either way, it could never make me love the good old blow-to-clean cartridge version any less.

One way or another, I'll always have fond memories, and when the wind blows, I'll hear it say, "Big head mode. Big head mode..."

Tech Fails - The "Snuggie"

2010-11-12T19:30:00.001-05:00

In an effort to reach a new segment of nerds, I’m going to occasionally do columns about technology. Of course, discussions of cameras, computer specifications and such would put the rest of you to sleep. So I’ve decided to only talk about idiotic technology.

Today’s topic – the “Snuggie.”

I realize I’m talking about this a little late. After all, these things have been around for two years or so and have already been mocked to death. All of that was fine for me. Then, the “Snuggie” went from “ironic purchase” to “popular” and I couldn’t stay silent any longer.

The basic concept of this invention – for the one guy who hasn’t heard of it – is that it’s a blanket you can wear. It allows you to stay warm while talking on the phone or doing the crossword puzzle. Why, according to the commercials, the savvy cultist could even wear their ceremonial robes in public at baseball games and other local sporting events.

With the “Snuggie,” you could finally warn the sinful masses that the end of the world was coming, all while staying warm and cozy.

And then, there was the “Pet Snuggie.” I’m not sure why animals with natural fur actually needed this. Which leads me to believe it was meant as a way to punish your pets. I mean, I think that’s what it was for – that’s why we got one for our dog.

Eventually, they started printing them in designer colors and with the logos of sports teams. People started buying them for friends non-ironically. This is about where hell froze over. Which may be a problem, unless they sell “Snuggies” there.

So let’s do the round-up…

Positives:
-It comes with a swing-out reading light, which is actually kind of cool if you’re easily amused, and I am.
-All the warmth of a 1/82nd inch thick blanket with no loss of arm motion.
-One step up from a surgical gown, I guess.

Negatives:
-Unless you want to take it off, get used to not going to the bathroom.
-There’s no way to secure the open back – standing, moving, leaning forward, breathing, etc. make it fall off.
-My girlfriend won’t share hers with me.

Monster Hunter: Downsides III

2010-11-09T19:28:00.000-05:00

Of course, the main reason so few people become the things they want to be as children is that they have unrealistic goals.

But I think that was kind of the point. As an aspiring writer, I probably had the most grounded dream I’ve ever heard of, in that it’s a real job you could actually have. I’ve heard children talk about what they want to be when they grow up – wizards, superheroes, Hannah Montana, etc. – and they’re in for some big disappointments through the years. (That last group, especially.)

Childhood probably would have been a lot duller if it was just a bunch of us wanting to be contractors, cashiers and human resource directors.

For one, the playground wouldn’t have been all that fun. Imagine long games of haggling over estimates to upgrade pretend kitchens or scanning make-believe grocery items while making small talk. I’m not sure what games the aspiring human resources directors would have played. From what I’ve seen, their games would have mostly involved not calling me back about job offers.

Zing.

I’m sure that most of us won’t be what we wanted to be. But that’s okay. Because when you get right down to it, most of us were pretty stupid when we were children. I know my six-year-old self. He took dangerous dares involving gasoline and fire from his older brothers. He's probably the last person I’d be taking career advice from.

As we grow up, I think we learn a lot about the real world. And our job hopes are tempered with a healthy dose of reality. We suddenly learn that jobs aren’t about “fun” or “magic” or whatever else we originally thought. We realize any job is fine if they pay you a lot.

I admit it’s a lousy moral to the story, but yeah, I’d probably take a punch in the stomach every day at work for thirty dollars an hour.

And that nicely wraps up my week-long article spree about jobs.

(A Note about the Comic: Yes, that suit of armor is drawn to scale. I opted for the male version, which is slightly bigger and good for this joke. Though, it probably would have been just as funny to use the female armor – more or less a pink metal carnival prize bear. It’s ever more proof that the armor crafter in town secretly hates your character in Monster Hunter Tri.)

Monster Hunter: Downsides II

2010-11-06T21:52:00.000-04:00

In other news, no, you wouldn't be good at that random job you saw in some random movie or video game.

There are times when I wish I hung around people who used more recreational drugs. While my overall stance on drugs is reasonably conservative, this is the point where I'm happy to bend. Mostly, I think if my friends used drugs, at least they'd have an excuse for half the stupid ideas that come out of their mouth.

I can't count the number of times I've heard someone point at a television screen and say, "Oh, I'd be so good at that." Generally, it's some absurd job, like a guy shooting zombies or something. As if someone could have natural talent in that.

Like, "Your verbal and mathematical skills are very low on your SAT's, but your zombie survival numbers really saved you."

The worst part is that a lot of these comments are self-disqualifying. I mean, I have no idea if you have any skill in being a special operations soldier or not. But judging by the fact that the friend who said this had been on the same forty inches of couch for the past ten hours - too lazy to even go to the bathroom - I'm pretty sure they'd at least fail the physical part of the exam.

A lot of these things seem like fun. Then again, anything is more fun when it only involves pressing six to ten buttons to make it happen. The real versions of being a soldier, assassin, race car driver and professional athlete involve quite a bit more...well, standing up and that other hard stuff.

Well, maybe not race car driver...

Monster Hunter: Downsides I

2010-11-02T08:51:00.000-04:00

Note to Non-Hunters: In "Monster Hunter Tri," you cook raw meat to restore stamina. While doing so, inexplicably weird circus music plays. Anyone looking to make more than three pieces of cooked meat is bound to go insane listening to that tune over and over. If it also plays when hunters eat random meals at home, I have no doubt they'd hang themselves within a week. (Or at least get a lot of take-out.)

Now, on with the article.

When you were a kid, you probably had outlandish ideas for what you wanted to be as an adult. We all wanted to be astronauts, ninjas and all sorts of other random crap. Twenty years later, I can say that I'm thrilled I never became any of these things.

Eventually, the reality sets in that these jobs are terrible.

Assuming you could even find work as a ninja, assassin or something of the sort - and that's a big "if" - can you imagine a worse job? You'd be working every night. You'd never be able to sleep soundly. And everything you did would be kept a secret. This, I imagine, would be hell come time for a raise.

"I only get one percent?" you'd asked. "I killed a hundred men. I lived in the shadows. And I didn't even get a single vacation day!"

To which your boss would reply, "There's no proof you were involved in any of those assassinations. Also, I think you're stealing throwing stars from the supply closet."

And then you'd have to kill your boss - which means no reference for your next job.

My point is, so many of the jobs we thought would be cool probably have their share of negatives. Anything from superhero to vampire hunter would probably be a lot less fun to do than we'd think. Unfortunately, I doubt a lot of kids are reading this article, so I doubt I'll be helping anyone. Still, speaking from personal experience, I can definitely say I wish someone had been there to give me a reality check as a child.

Believe it or not, I wanted to be a writer. I know, right? A terrible fate, indeed...

Halloween

2010-10-31T22:00:00.001-04:00

Hopefully everyone had a happy Halloween - for everyone else, you're pretty much the reason I wrote this article today.

Throughout my later years in high school and college, I noticed a disturbing trend. There was an increasing number of people who declared themselves "too old" for the holiday. I'm not sure what confuses me more - the idea that somehow you could be too old to have fun and eat candy, or the idea that people would voluntarily refuse these activities.

I realize that my mid-twenties may be a bit old to dress up and go door-to-door. (It's a gray area.) But the rest of Halloween is still pretty hard not to enjoy. It's literally the most fun you can have on a pagan holiday converted into a Catholic holiday by church officials hoping to draw in heathens.

Seriously - if you can think of a better example, please let me know.

The idea that some people try to outgrow it is just sad, really. And there's a lesson there. There's no need to rush adulthood. Between having kids and working, your childhood innocence will be gone soon enough. Hang onto whatever shreds of it you can.

Also, um, candy is delicious, so is there some reason you're trying to get away from it? I mean, Milk Duds are pretty disgusting. But anyone who can't enjoy Mr. Goodbar can't enjoy life.

And for anyone who still doesn't agree, at least try not to be such a downer and ruin my All Saint's Day, too.

A Modern Day Fairytale

2010-10-28T00:01:00.000-04:00

I'm glad this has never happened in real life.

Modern technology has allowed for any number of ways to meet a significant other. For example, I first started talking to my own girlfriend online. Nerds in this era should have no trouble finding someone to share long sessions of online video games with. Or kissing. Whatever, perv.

And yet, they still do.

Granted, I'm not saying all online contact is a great place to spark up a romantic meeting. I personally know of one guy in college who tried to hit on any girl he ever saw in a "Halo" game. We've since fallen out of touch, so I don't know if it ever worked. But even if he were married because of it, I'd be dreading having to explain that story to the grandkids.

"I'd just shot her in the head with a rocket. Then I told her an off-color joke about what else she could put in her face. And from there, well, it was just magic."

But it's sad, really. As connected as nerds are - many of them generally talking to the same people all around the world on forums and such every day - many of them are still alone. And while single people can just as happy as ones in couples, it's always nice to have a "player two."

Note to Everyone: Don't refer to your significant other as "player two." It causes them to hit you in the arm really hard.

Spring Forward, Nerd Back

2010-10-26T02:13:00.000-04:00

Once again, it’s “nerd season.”

I appreciate Fall on a number of levels. Besides the obvious fact that it’s “cuddle weather” – the one time of the year where my girlfriend doesn’t burst into flames from overheating when I lay all over her – there’s a lot to enjoy. But it’s more for the things you can’t enjoy – namely, the outdoors – that it’s the nerdiest time of the year.

During the Spring and Summer, I feel a certain amount of guilt over spending entire days indoors. It seems like I should be out enjoying the warmth. Alas, my love of anime, video games and fantasy books generally has me avoiding the sunlight like I owe it money.

Starting sometime in October, the guilt is gone. It’s too cold and rainy to be outdoors. Assuming I did a lot of work throughout the rest of the year, it would practically be a holiday to me.

This season, the nerd gods have been especially kind. While there’s not a lot of new anime to enjoy, I have started playing “World of Warcraft” again. It was a bit of a learning curve to get back into, but after a week or two, I’ve gotten used to crawling into bed at 5am with no idea what happened to my entire night.

For the record, though, I wouldn’t recommend this unless the girlfriend you’re crawling into bed with is very accepting of your nerdery.

And if you don’t believe that Fall was designed for nerds, think about it. We get an extra hour of time at 2am. Sure, everyone can enjoy an extra hour, but what sort of people are actually going to be awake at that hour? That’s right. Nerds.

So to everyone else, go enjoy raking leaves and…um…watching leaves change color. (I don’t know what the rest of you actually do during Fall.) As for the nerds, it’s time to hunker down on a warm couch or desk chair and enjoy the vice of your choice:

-Anime: If you’re going to be stuck indoors for the next four to five months, this is the perfect time to watch the first third of the “Bleach” series. And here’s the sad thing. That’s only sort of a joke. That series is, like, four hundred episodes long.

-Video Games: They’re remaking “Goldeneye,” the best shooter of all time. Assuming it doesn’t suck, it will be the greatest thing since…well, the first time that game came out. And assuming it does suck, that’s plenty for you to complain about on assorted video game forums.

-Fantasy Books: Who knows? Christopher Paolini might actually finish his fourth book. If it comes out sometime soon, you can spend the rest of your Fall and Winter hearing him describe one scene.

Dead Air

2010-10-24T20:12:00.000-04:00

Television used to be much better.

This isn’t a commentary on the quality of actual shows these days. That’s not a battle I want to get involved in. As far as I’m concerned, shows are just as good as they were ten years ago. The only problem is that now, they’re much, much shorter.

Consider this. In any given half hour, I’m only watching twenty minutes of actual television. The rest is commercial time used by companies to make money. Perhaps they should check their mailbox, as I already send them a monthly check to pay for cable.

But that’s not the worst part. Even commercials can be amusing. I’ve noticed a nasty trend lately, though. The number of unwatchable commercials has increased dramatically from ten years ago. And when I say “unwatchable,” I of course mean “feminine hygiene” and “erectile dysfunction.”

Don’t get me wrong. These things are a necessary evil. I just don’t want to hear about them during "House." I don’t want to hear about “spotting” (which becomes worse once you learn what it is). Nor do I need to hear that Jimmy Johnson is still having sex despite the fact that he’s essentially a corpse (which becomes worse if you mentally picture it).

As you can see, I’m gender-neutral on the issue – both types of commercials disgust me.

Admittedly, the feminine commercials annoy me more. What group of girls really goes to a club to talk about their periods? I asked my girlfriend. This isn’t what girls are talking about in bars. In fact, many women couldn’t talk about their “flow” to a medical professional in a life or death situation.

I used to find it odd that no guys were ever in those commercials. After all, men are half of the birth control equation. But (as shown by the comic), this wouldn’t work out. The only thing worse than a guy saying periods were gross would be a guy calmly nodding along and laughing, like the conversation wasn’t his own personal version of Hell.

In my opinion, both types of commercials need to be taken off television. Though, I’d settle for one or the other. The way I see it, the commercials set an awkward double standard.

There may be no medical need for a monthly period, but there’s certainly no medical need for old men to be having sex, either.

Monster Hunter: Snuggling Benefits

2010-10-20T22:31:00.000-04:00

People are superstitious - even in video games.

Granted, there's not a lot to be superstitious about in "Monster Hunter Tri." You can't really decide what shoe to put on first or anything. Most of the things that could be classified as "good luck charms" are actual charms that give real statistic boosts.

The one possible exception is your Piggie. As you might guess, Piggie is a pig. You can dress it up in a number of costumes and snuggle it before missions. Or not. I mean, if you want to get crappy items, you can just forgo it. That's really up to you.

I personally swear by snuggling Piggie before missions. For one, I think I've got some great drops as a result of snuggling that I wouldn't have otherwise. For another, it's snuggling. Why would I avoid that?

Of course, there are always naysayers. Many people claim that the Piggie-snuggling thing is just a wild rumor. They say there are no real statistics to back up the theory. Some say this disproves it. I think it just backs up the idea that math and snuggling don't mix.

Still, because I'm willing to meet people halfway, I suggest a minor change. Actually, as you can see from the comic, it's kind of a huge change. I'm willing to make the concession, though.

So...developers...get on that. Thanks.

Another Rare Adventure

2010-10-18T20:06:00.000-04:00

Last time I got injured, it was while cooking. That made me feel like a bit of an idiot. Tonight, I proved that cooking isn't the simplest thing I can do and hurt myself.

Turns out, I can't even walk without serious injury.

While walking down the sidewalk earlier today, I lost my balance and fell over. Granted, there was a dog who got herself tangled in my legs, but that doesn't make it sound that much better. So I'm changing my story. Earlier tonight, I was hit by a car. With teeth. And it was on fire.

Luckily, there are no broken bones or anything. I just have a nasty scrape on both my knees and hands. And I also hit my jaw on the sidewalk. Somehow, I managed to involve that many parts of my body with the impact. The only way it could have been worse is if I'd also hit the back of my head, too.

Since then, I've been taking it easy and playing video games. Of course, it's always a great way to relax and unwind. But as my character was hit in the face with an axe and slowly regenerated by just standing there, I have to admit I was a little jealous. It must be nice to recover from any form of damage within a few minutes by sitting down and eating bread.

I'd probably trade being real for the ability to mend wounds without bandages and stinging pain from rubbing alcohol - reality is overrated anyway.

Miraculously, my jeans did behave much like video game armor. They mitigated a good amount of damage. Which is nice, but when you say it out loud, your girlfriend will roll her eyes at you and sigh.

Trust me.

World of Warcraft: Trial Un-Separation

2010-10-15T19:22:00.000-04:00

I’ve recently been toying with the possibility of playing “World of Warcraft” again.

Since I couldn’t justify shelling out a lot of money for something I may not really like anymore, I decided to play the free ten-day trial. So far, my reviews are mixed. Let’s just say that I’m glad it’s free, because I’m not sure I’d pay to be killed and humped by other players.

I’ll imagine many of you have no idea what I’m talking about, so I’ll go back a bit.

There are three main ways to play World of Warcraft. These are PvE, PvP and RP. In “Player versus Environment,” you fight only the enemies in the game. In “Player versus Player,” you are repeatedly killed by angry nerds who then pretend to hump your corpse with their character.

You can die in PvE or PvP just as easily – the only real difference is what happens to your body afterward.

Of course, the third type is “Role Playing.” And while I like a lot of role playing games, it tends to be a bit much for even me. You can only hear so many stories from player characters named Raif Darkblood about their fathers dying in the last war and how they’re trying to restore their family honor. I swear – everyone I ever spoke to had that same back story.

After a few negative experiences this time around, I switched to Player versus Environment. It’s the best way to make sure you spend most of your playtime actually playing the game. I have surprisingly little tolerance for meaningless back stories and endless corpse-humping.

It’s actually been fun this time around. Surprisingly, there are a lot of things to enjoy outside of those little annoyances. I think I could definitely see myself playing again. Though, unlike in my college days, I may try to keep it under twelve hours a day.

I seem to recall the negative physical consequences of sleeping a combined fifteen hours my entire last year of college…

Monster Hunter: Mysteries

2010-10-13T17:49:00.000-04:00

If swords in video games get any bigger, I'm going to start having trouble seeing my character.

I realize it's somewhat hypocritical. After all, one of my favorite games ever is "Final Fantasy VII." But the characters carrying ridiculously large swords there were also genetically modified to have superhuman strength. Also, that game had magic, so that can be used as an excuse for anything.

In Monster Hunter Tri, the one thing they get right is the consequences of swinging a huge sword. If you don't hit your target, it will bury itself in a small crater in the ground. You can then struggle to lift it out...probably after being beat around by monsters for a minute or two.

And for the record, that character in the comic could have just as well been a male. Male or female, I don't think anyone could lug around sharpened metal clubs the size of another human being. The only people who could do that are those strongmen who can throw compact cars behind them into a third-story window. Those guys are ridiculous.

Ironically, being a strongman would explain why character is flexing so much...

Personally, I'd like to see a return to reality in video game weaponry. I mean, short of realizing swords can't cut through plate armor. Otherwise, games would completely suck.

But things aren't likely to change soon. After all, gigantic swords are as much a staple of the modern RPG as random encounters. Which brings me to my follow-up point - when you're getting rid of unrealistically huge swords, also ditch the random fights.

Oh, and cliche cat-eared characters who say "nya" at the end of each sentence can go away, too.

Adventures in Retail

2010-10-10T18:05:00.000-04:00

The other day, as I was checking out at “Dollar General,” I was a bit surprised. Instead of the usual small talk at the register, the cashier sneered, looked at my sweat pants and said, “Wow. Sweatpants. Thanks for trying to impress me.”

Suddenly, the backlog of comebacks that rushed into the back of my brain jammed up together and I had a stroke.

There are ever so many things wrong with what the cashier said to me, I was very sad that I’d only be able to make one snarky remark back. Luckily, I blog. The remarks I didn’t make can be included here. It’s the insulter’s equivalent of feeling better by writing about a bad day in your journal.

First off, let’s be realistic. I was shopping at Dollar General. Thoughts of impressing people obviously didn’t enter into this business transaction on any level.

Don’t believe me? Think of it this way. Is there any sentence that begins with, “I wanted to impress someone, so I went to Dollar General and…”? No. And there never will be.

Secondly, this woman was a cashier. Not to be mean to cashiers, but I don’t make wardrobe decisions with the conscious effort to impress them. If there’s some benefit to wearing a tuxedo and really impressing someone who scans my purchases – such as really fast check-out – at this point, I think I’ll forgo it for the ease and comfort of sweatpants.

Thirdly, why was it any of her business? Are sweatpants really so offensive for a quick purchase? If I got dressed up every time I went out for a bottle of soda…well, I wouldn’t go out as often, because I’m lazy.

Fourthly (or, actually, back to the first point again), let’s be more realistic. I was shopping at Dollar General. Is a well-groomed man wearing sweatpants really the worst thing that’s walked through those doors? I think not.

Lastly (and the remark I actually said), was this. “You’ve got an eye for detail.” Now, that might not seem like a great insult, but you have to consider the context. Five seconds before I walked up to her, a father (I assume) was chewing out his son and ex-wife about her new husband. As icing on the socially inappropriate cake, he left the store cursing after cuffing his child on the back of the head and telling him not to talk to “that man who’s not your real father.”

And this is where you walked in – this is the point where I get scolded for how I dressed.

That’s kind of like being distracted from an exploding bomb by someone making popping sounds with their cheeks.

Manga Aversion: Length

2010-10-06T19:22:00.002-04:00

As a public service, I’ve decided to address the issues that are causing most people to not love things like anime, manga or video games as much as I do. Today’s issue is the length of manga series. Or, to put it another way, why should I read “Bleach” if it probably won’t end before I die?

To be honest, I won’t defend the length. Many of the mangas I read are at about the 500 issue mark and show no signs of stopping. Ever.

What I would say is that length isn’t the problem as much as a few other things:

1) Mindset – As many manga are turned into anime, people expect them to end like all television shows. This is an expectation people don’t hold for American comics. And this is why “Superman” is going into what seems like his sixth century of publication and no one feels the same way.

2) Training Content – When you’re having fun, the time flies by. When you’re, say, training to learn a new technique instead of actually using it in battle, things slow to a crawl. “Training arcs,” or portions of the manga where the characters train to get stronger, take an agonizingly long time to resolve. As was established in “Rocky IV,” training is only interesting in musical montage form.

If it gets too tiresome to handle, I suggest doing what I do and listening to some “Queen” music during the training arcs – though, to be fair, this would improve almost anything.

3) Battle Content – Sadly, when people fight it’s not always better. This is because many manga fights can span ten issues or more. For example, the (possibly) final battle in “Bleach” involved dozens of underling fights before the ultimate bad guy transformed into a stronger form, second stronger form, a god, a butterfly (which totally isn’t a joke – go look if you don’t believe me), a god again and finally a very angry, slightly stronger god.

Obviously, some of the fights need to be pared down a bit – it would occasionally be refreshing to see a decapitation in the battle’s first panel to end things quickly and cleanly.

That’s how I see it anyway. While manga isn’t perfect by any means, I’d put it squarely on the corner of “it’s not as bad as you think” boulevard and “you’re not giving it a fair chance” lane. If you’re not familiar with the neighborhood, you can always “Mapquest” it to get the directions.

So if you’ve got a spare week or so, try reading a manga. The stories are actually quite good compared to a lot of the American comics. This is particularly true for “Marmaduke.” I get it. He’s a big dog. He eats things off the counter. Can we just get it over with?

Monster Hunter: Regional Differences

2010-10-04T18:25:00.000-04:00

Like DVDs, video games have something like region codes. These prevent people in different countries from playing another region's version of the game. And unlike DVD region codes - which are meant to prevent piracy - video game regions are mostly meant as a way to show regional favoritism.

When I first browsed the weapons in Monster Hunter Tri, I was thrilled to see Tessaiga. With a little work, I could literally be killing monsters with Inuyasha's sword. Granted, it wouldn't have the awesome special attacks, but that didn't matter to me.

Mostly because I'd be yelling, "Wind Scar!" myself before every swing.

Unfortunately, only players in Japan get to use Tessaiga. I'd be forced to use the United States counterpart. I didn't bother looking up what that was, but I'm relatively sure it's not an awesome Inuyasha-related sword crafted from one of his father's fangs.

Heck - I'd even settle for Tensaiga, and all that would do is revive monsters I've already killed.

The point (if I haven't belabored it enough) is that regional differences in games aren't fair. I pay as much as they do in Japan. I should get access to culture-specific references that don't carry over to this country, too.

And yes, I'm aware I just defeated my own point with that last paragraph.

Video Game Pet Peeves

2010-10-01T18:15:00.002-04:00

I've been playing video games since the Atari 2600. Graphically, things have improved quite a bit since then, but oddly enough, developers are still mucking up a lot of the same stuff, too. Over the past ten to fifteen years, here are the things that have been annoying me the most.

Developers, please take a memo on these and try to fix them before games hit the super-futuristic stage like in "Tron" - the only thing worse than sucking is being immersed in a 3D world of sucking.

1. Worthless Characters
In fighting games, a long character list means a good chance that one will match your fighting style. For example, is your style being slow and doing no damage at all? Then you should play as Peach in “Super Smash Bros. Brawl.” Luckily, you have the option of just avoiding her altogether, but they could have filled her spot with – I don’t know – a fighter or something. Zero Suit Samus might dress like a whore, but at least she kicks the butt to back it up.

More evidence Peach was worthless – her ultimate attack was to create fruit. It does exactly as much damage as you might guess. None.

2. Excessively Convoluted Plots
The “Metal Gear Solid” series is a lot of fun. Its plot is also so thick that I’m not sure whether I won or lost when I killed the last boss. I swear that storyline was so obtuse you’d need a PhD to sort it all out. At a certain point in games, I just want someone to be bad and have a sword or gun to kill him.

3. Convenient Item Locations
“The Legend of Zelda” games are famous for this. Why is it that there just so happens to be an ice wall six feet from the treasure chest with the Fire Wand to melt it? Just once, to mess with my head, I’d like to open that chest and find an Ice Wand in there.

4. Repetitive Sounds
Back in the land of 16-bit goodness, there was a little game called “Streets of Rage 3.” Whether or not the game was fun, I don’t recall. Mostly, my brothers and I just did the special attacks to hear an irritating symphony of grating, poorly-recorded voices yell, “Power up!” and “Bare knuckle!” I don’t think I could bring myself to beat that game until I just muted the television.

That game, however, does get bonus points for having a secret code to play as a fighting kangaroo. That’s not even a joke. Go look it up.

5. Limited Soundtrack
Similar to repeating sound effects was the game that only had one song – “Tetris.” Play all you want. Either way, there’s no way to finish that game or song. It just loops forever. In fact, I haven’t played that game in ten years and I can still hear it playing in my head.

6. Random Battles
Whether or not you realize it, any RPG you play only has about five hours of content. Why does it take fifty hours to beat, you ask? Random battles. Depending on the game, you’ll be fighting one somewhere between every two minutes and every two steps. It’s a nice way to extend the experience. It also ensures that, once you’ve taken down the final boss, you back your vehicle repeatedly over the game disc as an act of revenge.

7. Endless Identical Sequels
To me, a sequel advances an ongoing storyline. What I don’t want is a series of games that are pretty much the same, but I have to buy each one. “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai” or whatever was fine. There was no need for “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai 2” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi Tortellini.” You can add as many random incomprehensible words as you want to the end. You’re not going to make it any better – you’re just going to run out of room on the game box.

8. Revamping Old Characters
I realize that certain characters need to be updated with the times. But I think some characters should just be left alone. Did you know there’s a game coming out called “Epic Mickey?” The point is that it’s Mickey Mouse during his more rebellious days, running around and causing mischief. If nothing else, the game’s idiotic premise has saved me the trouble of needing to make an actual joke here.

9. Messing with a Working Formula
I played what seems like a few dozen “Sonic the Hedgehog” games when I was younger. It was usually as simple as holding the “right” button and jumping once or twice a level. That was fun for me. The latest games are in 3D and, although the high-speed formula worked for a decade, they’ve completely abandoned fast-paced action. For some reason, I picked up one where Sonic was holding a broadsword. Don’t like that? Well, in another one, you can turn into a werewolf. Is that better?

It worked before. Why change it? This would be like tomorrow deciding fire is a bad way to cook food and just switching to heating it by throwing it at the wall over and over.

10. Inappropriate Fun
Don’t get me wrong – fun is fun. But some games weren’t fun when played the way they were intended. I still remember that I only played hockey and football games for the off chance of giving someone a career-ending injury. And I’m not sure what the actual point was of “Pilotwings,” but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to plow my plane into the ground at the highest possible speed imaginable.

Then again, I don’t read instruction manuals, so you never know…

What are some of the things that irk you most about video games of the past or present?

Monster Hunter: Fun Trivia

2010-09-29T17:30:00.000-04:00

When it comes to video games, I believe the best ones can be picked up and played without even reading the instruction manual. I used to think the manuals were a fun way to spend the agonizing ride home from the video game store. But now that I'm driving - and reading while at the wheel is a bit dangerous - the system has sort of broken down a bit.

Some months down the line, I consider myself reasonably well-versed in all things Monster Hunter Tri. Every now and then I'll still learn something, but I do okay. Many of the things I know now, I wish I could go back and teach myself. For example, if you really have to pee, there's a way to pause.

It's not necessary to finish an entire half-hour fight while doing the "bathroom dance."

Today's comic was meant to demonstrate a few lesser-known facts about the game. While trial and error is fine, I think it's best to skip it whenever possible. Neither "trial" nor "error" sounds all that pleasant, if you really think about it.

It's also worth mentioning that every lesson here is based on a true story from my own gameplay experience. This is all the more reason to share this information. There are better ways to learn about nasty Rhenoplos habits than being stepped on repeatedly during a fight.

What are some of your hard-learned lessons? I won't judge you. (I've done worse.) And if it's particularly funny, the lesson may even end up in a comic, too.

The Shyamalan Cycle

2010-09-27T19:26:00.000-04:00

Long ago, I stopped being disappointed by M. Night Shyamalan movies - the trick was to stop seeing them.

A lot of my friends get excited every time one comes out. I don't blame them. A few years back, I was just like them. That was before I reached enlightenment in the Shyamalan Cycle - I was freed from the endless cycle of terrible movies and high expectations.

It's kind of like reincarnation, on a very superficial level that begs for little to no scrutiny.

Every time a movie comes out, I used to get all excited. I'd wonder what the twist ending might be. And shortly afterward, I'd leave the theater very disappointed. All the twist endings are pretty obvious midway through the opening credits. Either that, or they're so convoluted that no one had any chance of guessing in advance - even looking back, they're still incomprehensible.

Eventually, I realized that he only ever made one good movie - "The Sixth Sense." We were all very surprised by the ending. Since then, it's been failure after failure. But so many of us keep going back. It's like an abusive husband. Trust me - no matter how much he says he loves you, he's going to keep hitting you.

And I, Mr. Shyamalan, am too good for an abusive movie-going relationship with you. Your movies are disappointing. And your last name is so complex it looks wrong even when I looked it up twenty times.

Jerk.

Monster Hunter: The Honor System

2010-09-26T17:49:00.000-04:00

Nothing takes the air out of a hunt faster than having that big red "Quest Failed" message pop onto your screen.

From a gameplay perspective, I get it. Having a time limit means more of a challenge. It prevents people from safely whittling down monster health over the course of several hours. In the game world, though, it seems arbitrary and stupid - it baffles me.

A lot of the quest orders mention a monster attacking a city, trade convoy or other important location. Of course, I understand that if your city is being terrorized, you want the monster killed. But why does the monster have to be dead in 50 minutes? What's happening in 51 minutes that's so damned important?

And it's not just the time limit. It's the precise time of 50 minutes. Why not a full hour? Why such an arbitrary amount of time? So...why not 52 minutes, or 46 minutes?

In happier news, as you may have noticed, this is a rare "nerding for the weekend" post. I'm happy to announce the blog has zoomed past 5000 views! And I do mean zoomed. Because in the amount of time between hitting the milestone and posting this, I'm already well over 5500 hits.

As always, I'd like to thank the fans. And it's not just because you read. But I'd also like to thank you all for being so good-looking, intelligent and good at sports.

Also, thanks for letting me suck up to you...

Creative license run amok...

2010-09-24T17:04:00.000-04:00

If the previews for "The Social Network" movie are to believed, Mark Zuckerberg is the reincarnation of James Dean and Chuck Norris combined.

I have no doubt Zuckerberg has learned a bit of media savvy over the years. When you're head of a huge company like "Facebook," I'm sure you have to. But the thought that he was being a rebel from the get-go - and in the middle of disciplinary hearings - is taking it a bit too far. If I were in front of the Harvard disciplinary committee with charges of theft and breaking into their network, I'm at least sweating a bit. Chances are good I'm needing a change of underwear afterward.

I'm certainly not going to be rude and mocking the committee members during the questioning.

Facebook is an Empire - I'm not denying that. But I was there. Its formative years were nothing like what that movie make them out to be. Facebook is not a crime family. Its founder is certainly not the don. He's probably just a big as of a nerd as I am. I bet we'd even hang out.

For my part, I'm on Zuckerberg's side on this...to an extent. I agree with him in the sense that he probably wasn't as big of a jerk as they make him out to be. Then again, I also don't think he was partying like a rock star, getting groupies and having conversations with anyone who looked anything like Justin Timberlake.

Of course, I'm sure a movie about the real story would have been really dull. I'd much rather have seen a movie about the founding of "Myspace." It could have used the tag line: "You don't get to 50 million friends - and 750 million more fake accounts used to post pornographic photos and hit on girls (and guys) you don't know - without making a few enemies."

It's a bit wordy - I'll work on it.

Monster Hunter: Felyne Theft

2010-09-22T18:20:00.000-04:00

For those unfamiliar with Monster Hunter Tri, Felynes are essentially cats that walk on their hind legs, yowl and steal your things. Basically, aside from walking on hind legs, they're like all cats. To sum up, I hate them.

Those familiar with the game are probably very familiar with these critters. (And not for pleasant reasons.) While they pose no danger to your actual life, they have the nasty habit of targeting you when you're doing something else. These tasks usually involve fighting fire-breathing lizards fifty times your size. This is pretty much the last time you want something diverting your attention.

It occurs to me, though, that I have no idea why they steal your things. Nothing I'm carrying ever seems like something a cat would really want. Aside from Felvine - the equivalent of very strong catnip - I doubt anything in my bag would get their interest.

Which leads me to the obvious conclusion - like all cats, Felynes are just jerks.

Me? I'm much more of a dog person. They're fun to play with, they snuggle you and their fur doesn't cause me to sneeze and turn red. They also care whether you live or die, which is a plus.

You'd probably think I'm getting off my main point. But that would also assume I really had a point. I guess the gist of it all is that I don't like cats much. Ones that steal my stuff - and throw bombs, which I forgot to mention earlier - endear themselves to me even less.

Though it is cool if you're carrying a torch - it makes them dance!

Cowboy Bebop: Five Minutes Later...

2010-09-20T15:00:00.000-04:00

I guess you could say this should be tagged as a spoiler, but as no one actually knows how "Cowboy Bebop" ends, there's really not much to spoil, I suppose.

As anime goes, Bebop is pretty much the pinnacle achievement. Any conversation you've had with someone about good anime most likely mentioned it. In fact, only one I can think of didn't include it. And that doesn't count, since I was talking to a homeless man who accused me of stealing his thoughts at the time.

Since the series ended more than ten years ago, I don't feel all that bad talking about the ending. If you haven't seen it yet, go watch it now before reading any further. Overall, though, it's pretty much like "The Sixth Sense" - if you haven't seen it yet, you probably never will.

By the way, Bruce Willis is a ghost...or a superhero...or bad director. Sorry. I get my Shyamalan twist endings mixed up sometimes.

In any case, I think one of the enduring qualities of the show is that there was no definite ending. The main character, Spike, ends up falling after sustaining serious injuries. The audience is left to decide for themselves whether he got up later or not. In its way, it was a brilliant move by the writer. In another way, it makes me want to punch him in the stomach.

I suppose it's for the best. Some of the best discussion I've had online has been about the ending of the series. And while I've had my share of, "Spike died and you're a retarded gay jerk for thinking otherwise," I think the ending mostly created good discourse among anime fans.

Incidentally, I had to clean up the grammar of the above example argument. The people who make those statements usually don't spell that well. And they certainly don't use the word "otherwise."

As far as how it ended, I have no real opinion. But Spike - whether he lived or died - rocked my face off for twenty-six episodes and one movie. Well done, sir.

And...let the speculation begin. What do you think?

Monster Hunter: Armor Types

2010-09-17T18:00:00.000-04:00

I'm willing to accept a certain amount of artistic flair when it comes to female armor, but even I have my limits.

This creates the obvious conflict of interests for me. As a guy, there's a certain appeal to scantily-clad women swinging large swords. As a realist, I also understand the very poor protection these armors would provide to the midriff area.

And back. And neck. And legs. And...well, so forth.

Still, the gender stereotypes are probably here to stay. Which sucks. Because in addition to girls being dressed like strippers in most suits of armor, I'm also not fond of playing as males - their armors tend to look more like small SUVs than outerwear. You'd think occasionally a light vest would be an option.

Some will be quick to tell me that I could just not play as girls in video games. But it goes back to the old adage: "If I'm going to stare at a character's back for five hours at a time, it might as well be a girl."

Jess probably doesn't mind, as she's dating a guy who notices weak points in female armor first.

Video Game Lessons: Theft

2010-09-15T16:58:00.000-04:00

We learn quite a few lessons from playing video games - almost all of them horrible.

Among these lessons is the surprisingly vague concept of "ownership." In the real world, people own things in their homes. In video games, homes are just storage places to keep the hero's loot.

In a lot of cases, it's "no harm - no foul." There's nothing wrong with picking a loose herb or two off the ground. After all, no one was using it anyway. But the line gets iffy when you start looting graves. And the lesson gets worse when you realize all the coolest equipment is from the oldest and most sacred graves.

Things only get worse in towns. Sure, the hero will occasionally buy something and support the local economy. For the most part, though, it's just a matter of wandering through people's unlocked homes (which is already trespassing) to find stuff you want. In life or death situations, you might argue the end justifies the means, but still.

Link was a particularly bad offender. Not only did he steal stuff, but a lot of it was right in sight of the homeowners. And, in the worst cases, he'll steal their stuff, hold it above his head so everyone can see it and then have musical fanfare playing. That's theft with a touchdown dance at the end.

I'm not really sure what to make of "Resident Evil" games. I mean, it's a zombie disaster and whoever is still living deserves the guns and stuff. Then again, how carefully do you really check to see if there are still survivors? If it were me, I'd just be finding stuff I wanted in houses and taking it. Because I seriously think your high-end DVD player is a key for a puzzle. Somewhere. Probably.

Then again, if there's a zombie disaster, I'm probably locking myself in the bathroom and pointing a shotgun at the door for a week - I might be a bit too timid for looting.

What do you think - is video game "looting" right or wrong?

Splitting Hairs

2010-09-13T15:51:00.000-04:00

I've been seeing a lot of commercials lately for new razors. I don't know the specifics. But apparently, my old razor (which was made by the same company, mind you) causes irritating "tug and pull." This is odd, because a year ago, my old razor was the pinnacle of human advancement.

I realize technology improves over time. I also realize that things often aren't as bad as companies make them out to be. If I believed what the commercials were saying, I've spent the past three years dragging a damp cat across my face.

Which is a vast improvement over five years ago, when "Gillette" says I was shaving with a handful of jagged glass and sharp rocks.

But there's just as much problem with the new models. How much better can shaving really get? Those blades are already half the thickness of a strand of DNA. Any thinner, and my stubble will be cutting through it instead of the other way around.

I'm not sold. And I'd advise you to not believe the hype either. No matter what the commercials claim, I highly doubt their new razor is like splashing a handful of rainbows on my face and hugging a unicorn.

Nor would I want it to be - weren't men supposed to be...manly?

Monster Hunter: Flexing History

2010-09-13T15:21:00.000-04:00

It's probably no secret I love Monster Hunter Tri - it's not perfect, though.

If I had to point out one problem with the game, it would probably be the lack of urgency your hunter seems to display. Being attacked by a gigantic monster elicits a certain response. Be it swinging a sword, healing or screaming like a little girl, I'd be doing them all at a frantic pace. Trust me.

Your hunter, however, prefers to lazily do everything. They casually sip on a healing Potion as though they were at a wine tasting. And to make matters worse - and I'm not joking about this - they then flex for a solid three seconds in place.

I have no idea why this is in the game, aside from artificially creating difficulty. But if you're like almost every person I've spoken to about it who plays, you probably find it terribly annoying. Of course, there are armor skills that allow you to consume Potions more quickly and without the irritating pause at the end to allow a monster to clobber you. Then again, why should the common sense not to leave myself wide open to attack every time I heal be a skill in-game?

That's why I used the Potion in the first place. I wanted more health. Not less.

Monster Hunter: Difficulty Changes

2010-09-10T18:45:00.000-04:00

Video game difficulty can be tricky. If you make it too easy, people will be breezing through it in under two hours and be bored. If you make it too hard, it will be that "Indiana Jones" game for the Atari that was pretty much unbeatable without the reflexes of a demigod.

"Monster Hunter Tri" has the balance fairly well, though it's not always consistent. The first few things you fight, for example, are a joke. By the end, though, you'll be frantically trying to avoid two-hit kills from super-powered monsters that are so large and powerful they affect local weather.

In short, we need some tweaks. Hard.

Great Jaggi and Gobul need to be harder. And Melynxes need to start randomly stealing my items. I'm sick of them targeting the best thing in my inventory to swipe every single time. I realize there's not much incentive for them to steal my least cool things, but still - they could meet me halfway on this. Despite them focusing on me during every battle, I've yet to actually attack one. Why do they hate me so?

And yes, I picked on the Great Jaggi again - that guy is ripe for comedy.

Things I Miss: World of Warcraft

2010-09-08T16:16:00.000-04:00

My third year of college was - for all intents and purposes - one long game of "World of Warcraft." Somewhere between finding treasure and slaying things, I found time to pass my courses. At least, that's what my transcripts later said. I have no actual recollection of the classes that led to this fact.

That was my video game hayday. Since then, I really haven't found the time to be that obsessed about any game. "World of Warcraft" in particular, I haven't played in a long time. I'm convinced there's no way to play it except obsessively. Being in a relationship - not to mention needing to occasionally eat, sleep and shower - doesn't leave me time for such obsessions.

But there are definitely times I miss it. And why not? Everything in that game is so immediately rewarding. Killing something gives me gold. Finishing a quest gives me experience and items.

Real life is rarely so rewarding. Sure, I kill a lot of bugs and such, but the drops are lousy. And then I have to clean them up.

Even that snake didn't give me anything good.

With the next expansion pack looming, I'm tempted to get back into it. Though I would also be single within a few months, so maybe not. Of course, if I can convince Jess to play, all bets are off.

Monster Hunter: Deeper Cleaning

2010-09-06T15:24:00.001-04:00

Like many of the monsters in Monster Hunter Tri, the Royal Ludroth has a real-world counterpart. The Gobul is a big devil frog. Kelbi are just deer, pretty much.

For whatever reason, the Royal Ludroth is a large cleaning sponge.

Granted, it's far more ornery than most sponges I've used. And I couldn't begin to guess which side is the abrasive one. After all, it's all pretty abrasive. And I don't just mean he has a very bad attitude. Some sides literally have claws, teeth or little spines jutting out.

I'm not sure how well it would clean. I mean, after all, it would probably destroy your bathroom if it went rampaging around. So...pretty much don't use it on frosted glass in showers and all that.

Happy hunting!

Conversation Collecting...

2010-09-06T15:14:00.000-04:00

I just got back from the big Labor Day celebration. It was very fun. And very filling. At the best points, it was both.

Family get-togethers are always interesting for me. Because even though the years change, a lot of the questions stay the same from year to year. It's not anyone's fault - we just don't see each other enough to keep up-to-date on these sorts of things. So I tend to field these same five questions every year:

1. What are you doing for work lately?
This one, I probably dread the most. As I currently have nothing I would consider work in the technical sense (i.e. no one gives me money), it's never fun to answer. I think I rambled something about writing and then excused myself politely.

2. So...when are you and Jess going to get married?
Okay. I take it back. I dread this one the most. Luckily, no one asked about it this year. Which is good, because even when I know, I have to let Jess know first...

3. What do you think of this baseball season?
I'm not totally hopeless when it comes to sports. I could actually ramble on about football for some time. But for whatever reason, people are always asking me about the one sport I have no interest in. This year, I managed to slide away from that conversation before they really got into it. Thus, no one had to know how little I know about baseball. Are there still four bases? Cool.

4. How's college?
It's still there. I think. Beyond that, I have no idea - I graduated more than three years ago.

5. Give various reasons why "Cowboy Bebop" was an excellent anime.
So this really isn't a question. Also, it's never come up. But I wish it would. I have lots to say on the issue, if only someone would give me the chance. Then, of course, they'd regret it deeply...

Well, those were my Labor Day experiences. Hopefully everyone had fun in all the countries that celebrate that sort of thing. By my count, I think there's just the one, but who knows?

How were your big weekends?

The Wii Cycle

2010-09-03T16:14:00.000-04:00

Some years ago, the Wii was announced. Immediately, it was seen as a way to get active, fight childhood obesity and secretly transform a generation of sedentary gamers into fitness machines. Today, I keep trying to find shortcuts to moving my entire arm to play.

Don’t get me wrong. What the Wii tried to do was as well-intentioned as it was revolutionary. It also ignored the fact that if video gamers were looking for a physical challenge, they probably wouldn’t be playing video games in the first place.

My first day with Wii Sports was crazy. I was running and jumping around. I was swinging my arms and diving into furniture. Of course, bowling doesn’t require any of these actions, but I was excited.

I bowled a 6, for the record.

Two years later, I get aggravated any time a game sneaks in motion controls. I bought the Wii for the novelty of movement. But I bought my couch for the novelty of remaining motionless except for my thumb and forefingers. And – to be fair – the couch was here first.

Now, I may be a bit lazier than most. But I doubt my story is totally unique. Is anyone else sick of the Wii trying to improve them as a person, or is it just me?

Though, the one upside is when my Wii warns me to use the wrist strap to keep from throwing my controller accidentally – that’s always good for a chuckle.

Good News!

2010-09-01T16:25:00.000-04:00

For the sake of the sheer awesomeness of it, I wanted to note a recent event of note for the blog. My Monster Hunter Tri comics were recently featured on the Capcom site. As this is a legitimate company that makes video games and I was recognized by them, I was understandably very excited. When I saw it, I squealed like a little girl.

Luckily, Jess caught my squealing - the shame of it allowed my head from getting too big.

Not much more to say about it than that. Of course, I will say thank you for all the support I've been receiving. In addition to the entire Monster Hunter community, I'd like to thank all the other nerds who have made all this worth writing. As I'm so fond of saying, without all you, it's pretty much just me talking to myself about video games and movies.

Oh, and the link to the article is here:
http://www.capcom-unity.com/snow_infernus/blog/2010/08/31/monster_hunter_fan_comics_to_start_your_tuesday

Monster Hunter: Wyvern Eggs

2010-09-01T15:43:00.000-04:00

Personally, I can't imagine a worse situation than living next to a store in a video game. Have they ever stocked anything useful? I mean, sure, they tend to have firearms, swords, medicine and other things like that. But what if I'm jonesing for some Doritos at 3am?

Or, as is often the case, what if I'm jonesing for them at all hours of the day?

Granted, they tend to focus on the necessities, but the Moga Village Farm is pretty ridiculous. I can grow honey and mushrooms there. I can even grow assorted bugs. But if you want milk or eggs, you're out of luck. It's not one of those fancy farms with cows, chickens or livestock of any kind. (I'm not counting the pet pig - he's too adorable to eat.) If not for the fishermen in the village, I'm sure everyone in Moga would starve to death.

Then again, maybe I expect too much realism from a digital farm worked by talking, bipedal cats?

And yes, I know there's not really a "Panera" in Loc Lac. But there should be. By virtue that there should be a "Panera" everywhere - that Broccoli Cheese Soup is hauntingly good.

More Effective Birth Control

2010-08-30T15:50:00.000-04:00

There are times that I worry my children will get involved in dangerous activities. Then I remember that, in fact, they will have my DNA. There's already a fair chance they won't have a chance to get involved in anything dangerous.

Or fun, depending on how nerdishly they might lean.

Looking back, getting into anime and video games was probably exactly what I needed as a teenager. I had a lot of energy. It very well could have been used for evil. Well, actually, it was used for evil. But think of the most evil thing you could do while sitting on a futon and playing your eighth straight hour of "Star Fox 64." It's not exactly super-villainy at its best.

Of course, this all assumes I have children. Either way, that's a ways off. I haven't even begun to consider things like names, religion, or how exactly I plan to grow that sweet mustache in the comic.

My current mustache took twenty-six years to grow, and it's patchy - and that's being awfully generous, too.

In other news, thanks to everyone who took the time to vote! By a fairly overwhelming margin, the consensus is that people want to see lots of comics and comic/articles. As this is what I was hoping to do anyway, things really worked out there. Phew.

I apologize to the one person who voted for "invasive advertising" - if they really want it, maybe you can click on an ad and tell it open in a new window so it feels like a pop-up.

Now Even Avatar-ier?

2010-08-29T14:34:00.003-04:00

Next week, the film "Avatar" is being released back into theaters as a Special Edition. At this point, there are two lingering questions on everyone's mind:

1) Will "Avatar: Special Edition" be the next "Avatar?"
2) As James Cameron currently has all money in the world, how will people be paying to go see this?

This particular blog hasn't been around long enough, but my views on Special Editions are well-documented throughout my own history. My commentary has ranged anywhere from "this movie didn't need to be remade" to "this was so bad it ruined the original movie" to non-verbal gagging noises.

Not all Special Editions are rampant grabs for money. Probably. That being said, releasing these do-overs is essentially like mowing someone's lawn badly, having them pay you, mowing it again and then asking to be paid a second time.

In summary, this strategy - at least from a money standpoint - is brilliant.

Oh, and I know I don't normally post on weekends, but this was a special occasion. One, it gives me an excuse to use the phrase "nerding for the weekend." Two, and more importantly, the blog has now reached 2,500 views! Thanks to everyone's eyes - who made all this possible.

Monster Hunter: Cha-Cha Masks

2010-08-27T12:49:00.000-04:00

Sorry I've been on such a Monster Hunter Tri kick lately, but the game, frankly, is awesome. At times, there's not really much else I want to talk about. In fact, that being said, I withdraw my apology.

Anyway, it occurs to me that the masks available to Cha-Cha - your little in-game companion - aren't all that helpful. They might help you find a monster or cook meat, but these are all things you can do yourself much better. What you end up with is a tiny little masked helper who tends to run directly in your path when you're about to fire a weapon.

Here are a few new mask ideas I had that might have helped in Tri. At some point, I may do a few more of these, since I had fun with it. In the meanwhile, any others you think would have been useful?

Keep an eye out - I've been getting so much traffic lately I feel tempted to do a weekend edition as thanks.

Monster Hunter: Dragonator

2010-08-25T18:41:00.000-04:00

I've been doing this fight enough lately that it really got me wondering.

Why in the world would an ancient civilization build a giant set of hydraulically-powered spikes? I assume it could be for the very same purposes I use it - jabbing big angry monsters. But part of me wonders if it originally had less sinister applications. Perhaps it was a primitive back-scratcher. Or maybe it was a large tool for getting at those hard-to-reach spots between teeth. And why, regardless of its use, was it given the name Dragonator - a name more suited to a heavy metal band?

Oh, and the writing is too small to see, but I can only assume the writing on his cooking apron is hilarious.

Not a Moment to Spare

2010-08-25T18:32:00.000-04:00

Today, midway through a bag of Doritos and a marathon session of daytime Food Network, I realized I have no free time.

My lack of free time isn’t in the traditional sense, of course. It would be one thing to have too many obligations to do things. It’s quite another to be tied down by my own laziness. Between video games, cooking, movies, television, writing, drawing and other things that make me happy, I have very little time to get out much.

Case in point: “Inception.” I’ve been meaning to see this movie for at least a month now. My friends tell me it’s good. The critics say it’s good. But short of someone giving me a ride to the movies – most likely a friend and not a critic – I probably won’t make it.

I could claim there were other reasons, but it’s not true. I’m all for lying, certainly. My lies should at least sound plausible, though.

Granted, I’ve been spending a lot of time online lately. And this does eat up sizable portions of my day. Still, I’m not sure I could portray myself as a victim for talking on random forums about the ending of “Cowboy Bebop” or how bad security must be at Princess Peach’s castle for her to be kidnapped in every single Mario game ever.

And I seem like even less of a victim when my only problem is not having time to go to theaters.

In the meanwhile, I’ll just have to find a way to cope. And don’t worry – at least I still have Redbox. Until I find a better solution, I’m sure all your hopes and prayers are with me.

A Rare Adventure

2010-08-23T15:05:00.010-04:00

I've never claimed to be the heroic type.

Of course, there are a lot of times I have to be. Though I’m somewhat of a wuss, Jess is a girl. And while that doesn’t make her any less brave, it does leave a lot of tasks like bug and animal killing to me, by virtue of the fact that these things give her the heeby-jeebies.

In the absence of an actual man in our household, these duties generally fall to me. I suppose I have the option of calling her parents to deal with small biting monsters, but I don’t think I’d come out of that looking very good. My general nerdiness is probably about as much as I can ask them to accept of the person dating their daughter these past few years. They’ve already been pretty good sports about my shortcomings, I think.

Spiders and other bugs aren’t too much trouble. This weekend, I had to take on a brown snake. While that may not sound like much, I assure you that it was the biggest brown snake ever seen by human eyes. I can only assume it lumbered – not slithered – out of the Amazon rainforest, where it’s been living for centuries consuming jaguars and other fearsome predators.

I don’t want to exaggerate, but it may have pulled out a lightsaber near the end of the fight.

Luckily, I was victorious. Though, the win was later tarnished when I suffered a severe oil burn trying to fry a piece of salmon. In that sense, though I won against a living snake, I lost badly to a deceased fish. This is only slightly better than the idea that I was also technically wounded by very warm bread crumbs.

Then again, I also made the fried fish into a sandwich. I don’t know a lot about winning fights. But I think I’d rather be a loser than a winner who was later eaten.

And, to be fair, that fish was seriously huge – like a prehistoric monster or something.

A Tool of a Thousand Uses...

2010-08-20T15:35:00.000-04:00

Believe it or not, a relationship in mixed nerd/normal couple goes on without a lot of friction most days.

I've heard horror stories. I've even seen some particularly scary videos on YouTube displaying what happens when relationship dynamics get too badly out of balance. I won't go into great detail, but objects of value are thrown at walls, floors or boyfriends. The result is substantial emotional and physical damage.

Playing video games and watching anime has never been a huge problem for Jess. Besides the fact that she's into these things to some degree, I realize there are very set limits. Some boundaries can be nudged. Others should be avoided entirely. Sometimes I rely on subtle cues. When this fails, cries of, "If you watch one more episode of 'Cowboy Bebop,' I'm going to burn myself!" are enough to get the point across. Nerd behavior - like anything else - does not work in infinite doses.

Much of our bliss is also related to the fact that I stay out of the absolute worst nerd behaviors. Marathon play sessions of video games can be stomached. Collecting cards and figurines is more problematic.

Hence, this is why she doesn't have to worry about me buying giant replica swords and then trying to find a place for them. Much. For now.

As I have only my own situation to go by, I'm a little curious - how do your own relationships (friendship or romantic) play out when one of you is a nerd and the other isn't? Compromise? Combustion?

Do tell.

Monster Hunter: Great Jaggi

2010-08-18T19:43:00.001-04:00

I won't pretend this joke is all that universal. But rest assured, most games probably have one enemy that's about as hard to finish as the Start Menu. For Monster Hunter Tri, that enemy is the Great Jaggi. While not particularly stronger or faster than its smaller counterparts, it does have a big frill on its neck. It has grown notorious among players as a monster that will die from anything the player does. The joke above, I assure you, is barely an exaggeration.

In more exciting news, the blog has zoomed on past its first 1000 views. I want to thank everyone who's made this possible. (Hint: If you're reading this at any point, it's you!) Here's looking forward to more milestones.

Oh, and incidentally, I write bonus material when I hit milestones - keep this in mind.

Hopefully, my enemies are stupid...

2010-08-18T14:59:00.000-04:00

This is based on a future true story, so hopefully my girlfriend will be ready when the time comes.

If there's one thing I can't enough of, it's over-sized swords in anime and video games. The only downside is that the replicas are so horribly unwieldy. I suppose I could always implant myself with Jenovah cells like they did in the game to become a super soldier, but I seem to recall there were some side effects...

And not, like, those harmless headache-type things. I mean, like psychosis. And extremely spiky gelled hair.

Oh, and there's a poll up. What do you want to see more of on the blog? Please answer to the right.

The Ultimate Back-to-School Unlist

2010-08-16T16:16:00.001-04:00

Every year starting sometime in July (yes – it’s that early), I’m accosted by the latest back-to-school lists. Call me skeptical, but I find it a little odd that each year, this list is slightly bigger. And this skepticism is tougher to brush aside when these lists are generally written by Target and Wal-Mart. As impartial as these retail giants might be, I have trouble trusting them for some reason.

Still, I’ve been to college. (And I was there for a long time.) I can honestly tell you that if the list includes more than pencils and notebooks, chances are, they’re padding it quite a bit.

Browsing these lists, I compiled a few of the worst offenders. I don’t know how they keep making it on these lists when no one actually uses them. But you’d be better off leaving them at home this year. If you find you need them, the majority can still be won in crooked card games with your roommate.

1) Graphing Calculator
Mark this down as the most useful item no one will let you use. It can make graphs, solve equations and basically make that well-trimmed melon atop your shoulders useless. And that’s exactly why professors ban them on tests.

2) Prepaid Phone Cards
It’s important to stay in touch as a family. But with the Internet alone, there are at least a dozen better ways to keep up in your child’s life. Besides, if you didn’t get your kid a cell phone, you probably don’t love them anyway. In which case, why would they need to call you?

3) Answering Machine
Within a few weeks, you’ll be so hard-pressed to avoid some people you’ll be wishing you’d forgotten it back at home anyway.

4) Entire Medicine Cabinet
Health is key in college. Because you’re crammed in close quarters with at least five thousand other sick people, it’s also impossible. Until your immune system gears up by year three, you’ll be getting sick no matter what – there’s barely any point in treating anything but the symptoms. That’s why all you really need is PM cold medicine. It might not get rid of everything, but it will make you sleep. Most, if not all, symptoms are far more manageable when you’re not there to have them.

5) Alarm Clock
I’ve yet to set an alarm clock for any important occasion where it hasn’t failed miserably. After a few failed attempts to conquer the “AM/PM mystery,” low volume and random power outages, I just gave up. From then on, I just used my cell phone alarm. It’s digital, immune to blackouts and can be (and is) programmed to wake me up with Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

6) Deodorant
That was a test – if you agreed, I either hate you or you’re my first college roommate.

7) College Posters
I’m not against all posters on walls. They’re a quick way to show things you like, what you’re about and your individual taste. But is it really your individual taste when you have the same three posters as every other person who went to college in history?

Either way, you’re probably better off packing with your gut. I mean that in the sense of instinct. Though packing nothing but Easy Mac and instant mashed potatoes isn’t the worst idea I’ve ever heard.

What about you – anything you’d be better off leaving with your parents?

Comic 9: That familiar feeling...

2010-08-15T15:29:00.000-04:00

I wanted to post this to showcase some of the latest improvements in my art style.

This is just a little love for the various Monster Hunter communities I happen to take part in at the moment. You don't have to like the game to like the comic, but it couldn't hurt. If you don't get the joke, it's kind of a buy-in along the lines of "you must be at least this big of a nerd to laugh at this."

Should the joke still be incomprehensible, please play old Super Nintendo games until your nerdery improves.

Infomercial Pet Peeves

2010-08-13T16:03:00.000-04:00

While it has its drawbacks, insomnia is like an all-access pass to the best of the best infomercials on television. This roughly puts it on par with the worst of any other part of television, but it's tough to be picky when so little else is on. Here are a few things that I've seen lately that got me thinking.

1. How often does this come up?
When it comes to cooking, I know my way around grilling, baking, boiling, broiling, chopping, slicing and dicing. Yet, in five years, I’ve never once had to use a knife sharp enough to cut through a car door. Even assuming I might, what are the chances that – in the next five seconds – I would still need a knife sharp enough to cut bread?

2. Was the old way really so bad?
Some, if not most, of the products offered are actually just improvements over current tools. Sometimes they make old products better. Other times, I’m left wondering if the old versions were as bad as they made them out to be. I’m still skeptical of that commercial that claims fans that chop my air and blow it on me are unsettling. If that was enough to ruin my day, I think therapy would be a better way to spend my money than a new, quieter fan.

3. How is that spokesman so peppy at 4am?
I realize it must be exciting to show the world your new revolution in cheese grating technology. But take a breath and calm down. That punctuation at the end of your sentences is called a “period” – and yes, stopping there is traditionally not optional.

4. Who sits in those audiences?
This is one of those great mysteries. What’s the system for choosing these people? Or does someone just stand outside a studio and awkwardly proposition passersby? “Excuse me. How would you like to come inside this windowless building and clap while someone yells at you about sharp objects?”

My theory involves luring in elderly people on hot days with the promise of a chair and air conditioning.

5. How much is this stuff worth?
Value is king in infomercials, but I have no idea how anyone is making any money. They cut prices. They knock off payments. And next thing you know, they’re offering a second set for free. If your stuff is so valuable, why are you pawning it off like stolen property from the back of your van?

6. …And why would anyone need two, anyway?
The majority of products are marketed as “the only one you’ll ever need.” In many cases, having one of these products is more than you’ll ever need. Of course, you could always give one to a friend. But this also suggests people who buy memory foam mattresses for their cat have friends.

7. Why do you think children are this stupid?
Apparently, actual toys in stores weren’t enough. At some point, out-of-touch adults started marketing new craft-type projects to equally out-of-touch great aunts who know nothing about kids. Decorating their picture frames with bendable color twists isn’t nearly as fun as the kids in the commercial make it out to be. After all, those children are being paid.

I assure you – your children would much rather stare quietly at the wall or possibly even do some light stone quarrying.

8. What school did you say you went to?
There are obvious dangers in using inferior products. And while I’m willing to admit your old knives may not cut bread as well as your new ones, that’s where I draw the line. Instead of buying new cutlery, would you consider just not putting all your weight on the loaf and having a seizure?

And maybe all that fruit would fit in your old, small-mouthed juicer if you stopped trying to shove a banana in sideways.

9. Won’t I still need these things?
A good tactic to sell something is showing everything you already own that it can replace. To some extent, I believe it. Other times, I’m skeptical. Those new stackable storage bins look really nice and all, but I’m not sure I should “throw out my bulky, useless closets.”

10. Why is there always more?
At thirty minutes apiece, most infomercials aren’t too long. Still, why do I have to wait all the way until the end to hear how low they’re bringing the price down? If I’m the kind of person who desperately needs a “Shamwow” at 5am, do you really think I need a price cut and a second set for free?

I’m betting the people who consider spill emergencies like this at this hour of the morning probably don’t need the extra incentive to buy anything.

Do you have any favorites/pet peeves?

No Right Answers

2010-08-11T15:14:00.000-04:00

In life, it’s said that there are no wrong answers – they desperately need to extend that rule to job applications.

Those of us old enough may remember that looking for jobs once actually involved speaking to people. Be it by phone or in person, you could make a strong first impression even with no experience. A master job applicant could land a job with something as simple as a winning smile, a strong handshake or just sleeping with someone in upper management.

Of course, the same was true of complete suck-ups and people with no moral compass. That’s my point, though. At least there was a system.

Today, face time has been replaced with computerized personality tests meant to weed out bad candidates. If you haven’t been exposed to one yet, it’s essentially having a robot rummage through your brain for personal shortcomings. And it’s exactly as pleasant as it sounds.

I’m all for having less competition. But these tests full of (seemingly) harmless questions are humiliating. Five years ago, the worst a job could do was say, “You’re not right for the job.” The same is still true, though it may add, “And you’re also a bad person.”

Don’t believe me? I recently took a segment on coping with stress. I scored “problem drinker.”

Even without commentary on your flaws, job ranking can be harsh. Not being right for a position is harmless – you were no better or worse than anyone who didn’t get the job. Being “green” (hirable) or “red” (not hirable/felon) means potentially being ranked among history’s greatest monsters.

A rating of “red” means you physically can’t be hired. In that sense, you are officially tied or worse than the following people – the Hamburglar, ranking members of the Taliban and that guy from “Silence of the Lambs” who wore other people’s skin.

In fact, since the tests rank those who complete them and fail or never complete them on even ground, you’re even worse. In terms of workers, your answers put you in the same bracket as infants, sock puppets or even a mother duck leading a row of baby ducks across a keyboard.

And frankly, if this breaks down into a popularity contest, infants and baby ducks are way cuter than you.

This isn’t to say I’ve had no success on these tests. But I do know a handful of arbitrary questions have kept a lot of people from finding work. It has also, on at least one occasion, labeled me to the people at Movie Gallery as “an angry loner with a streak of dangerous risk-taking.”

Considering most of my riskiest behaviors involve taking or not taking Lactaid with dairy, I’m just not convinced the system works…

Slowly Warming Water

2010-08-09T14:10:00.000-04:00

For those of you not paying attention, August is the first stretch of seven days in a long time that Facebook hasn’t been involved in some sort of privacy scandal.

It seems like every few minutes, a news story comes out. Too many people have your details. The site was hacked. Playing applications reduces work productivity. Future workplaces skim your profile for pictures of inappropriate behavior. By the time the story drops that Mark Zuckerberg once stole a baby panda’s ice cream just to watch it cry, I really won’t be too surprised.

The bottom line is that I’ve really stopped caring at this point. My more alarmist friends say this is exactly the problem. Facebook – social networking site and, apparently, secret shadow government – has me right where it wants me now.

My friends put it this way. They claim that the easiest way to kill a frog is to put it in a bathtub and slowly heat the water. This concerns me because, a) It suggests people have actively invested effort into how to kill frogs – one of the world’s least threatening creatures. And, b) It suggests my friends have personally tested this.

The idea (beyond the creepy analogy) is that people will get used to anything if they’re exposed to it slowly. Do you use Facebook? Have you used it for more than three years? Well, if the conspiracy theories are to be believed, you’re in the middle of a very warm tub of water.

I actually see why people say this. After all, my friends still talk about what they were doing when they instituted the feeds to show your friends every trivial activity you did on the site. Believe me. If JFK had been shot later that day, it would have been the second story on the evening news.

More recently, the site creator said his users were idiots for trusting him with our personal details – something far more outraging – and I barely heard about it.

But I don’t think people are getting complacent. They probably just don’t care. I mean, does Facebook really know enough about you to be dangerous? Sure, it has your name and school, but that’s public knowledge. Even if criminals got my social security number, my credit is probably lousy. What are they going to do with my personal information – be declined for credit cards?

And consider this. The Internet was never designed to keep secrets. As far as hiding places go, it’s about as bad as engraving your personal details on the surface of the moon. If you wanted your information hidden, why put it on the most visible place imaginable?

Your details – and that picture from college of you kissing that “girl” with the really big hands at a party – are as accessible as you want to make them.

In the meanwhile, I say we just sit back and enjoy the ride. Join a few groups. Add a few people from countries you’ve never heard of. And if you get a minute, try to work on a replacement for that old “frog-boiling” story. We really need a better analogy for that one.

Comic 8: For Just $3 More...

2010-08-06T16:05:00.000-04:00

I'm generally a fan of any sort of new and nerdy technology, but I can't really get into 3-D. I want to say it's some sort of deep-rooted philosophical dislike of the decline of modern creativity within the movie industry. But nah. It's just the $3 more for a ticket.

That, and I want some characters to stay on the screen - a lot of actors and actresses shouldn't be any closer to me than they already are...

Comic 7: The Dangers of Realism

2010-08-06T16:01:00.000-04:00

It's only a matter of time before the monsters figure it out. Of course, there would be no weapons based off humans. We're all too squishy.

An Ancient Homage to Nerdery

2010-08-06T10:41:00.001-04:00

Wow. So this has been doing its rounds for a while now, but I had to put this up. You either get this or you don't - those who don't get it are missing out on a fine piece of history. For those who don't know, "The Oregon Trail" was effectively the cutting edge of Apple's green-tinted computer screen technology back in the day. If this movie was ever made, it would be the best thing ever.

And remember - when in doubt, resting six days will fix anything. Ever.

Big thanks to Half Day Today.

Anime: Why It's Just as Bad as You Think

2010-08-04T15:04:00.000-04:00

Let’s face it. While there’s some excellent anime out there, there’s just as much – if not more – that’s practically unwatchable. I would be remiss to state that anime was good without warning you about a number of problems with the genre. These problems can be neatly summed up as “the reasons most people aren’t watching in the first place.”

It’s not enough to know what’s good. You have to know what’s bad, and exactly how bad it can get. Some things are minor annoyances. Some anime means looking into the Ark of the Covenant afterward just to get some eye relief.

Problem 1: Total Incoherence
Some good series use a lot of difficult words. When things don’t translate exactly right, they tend to keep the Japanese word. You might find it off-putting to hear that someone has to go to Tsubaki Mountain to destroy the Ghubitsu while hounded by Kabu Katsumoto. I realize this is annoying. It’s also the least of your problems.

Some anime series watch more like a mild concussion. “Bobobo” was a particularly nasty offender. While the creators were nice enough to translate it into English, it was obvious after watching a man attack another man with his mustache and fight a giant pancake that something was still lost in the translation.

Specifically, I lost three minutes of my life in that translation.

Problem 2: Endless One-Upping
Ever had a friend that had to top every story you told? That’s tough. Ever had a friend who’s done it for twenty or thirty years? Did he have spiked gold hair and yell a lot?

This is a key flaw even among some of the good fighting series. The bad guy is too tough. The good guy trains to get stronger and beats him. A newer, badder guy appears. The good guy trains again. Not long after, we learn an even badderer guy was pulling the strings.

In the end, what should have been a 12-episode show is stretching into the 300’s and we’re no closer to an outcome. We’re running out of places to put all the corpses of enemies. Our hero is so powerful that he can destroy entire planets with just an angry glance. And yet, the next enemy will shrug off his attack like it was warm breeze. Well…better start training.

Problem 3: Over-the-Top Everything
Any number of famous war strategists over the years stressed the element of surprise. Many tactics involve catching your opponent off guard. As far as I know, none of these men were suggesting you yell the name of your attack loudly while the camera is six inches from your face.

I don’t care if you’re using a “Soul Cutter,” “Iron Reaver Soul Stealer” or even a “Spirit Bomb.” This is a really irritating part of some anime. Maybe the reason your fights last twenty episodes is because your enemies keep seeing your attack coming and dodge it.

Problem 4: Filler Arcs
For those who don’t know, a lot of anime is based on manga – essentially “comics.” This is fine. When it becomes a problem, though, is when a series is going too fast and the manga hasn’t gone far enough to provide it with new material. Think of it as a movie running out of script after an hour, so the characters just stand on camera while new lines are written.

Filler episodes are okay, in small doses. Occasionally, some of the filler material is as good as the rest of the show. Oftentimes, though, it’s pointless and stupid. In the worst cases – ahem, “Naruto,” ahem – the filler lasted several hundred episodes.

At a certain point, you actually forget there’s a main plot amid such episodes as “The Pointless Battle that Doesn’t Affect the Series” and “Hey! Let’s Look Over in These Bushes!”

Problem 5: Non-Epic Battles
I can understand two reincarnated gods doing battle for the souls of everyone on the planet. This is a battle of epic proportions. But conflict isn’t always this good. In fact, it’s much more commonly something like, “The world is doomed…unless we play a children’s card game for some reason!”

“Yu-Gi-Oh” involves saving the world by doing exactly that. (If it’s different, tell me how.) It’s not a good sign of things to come. Inevitably, an anime will come along where champions do battle on the ancient arena known as “Connect Four.”

“I summon my Red Checker in attack mode! Wait! I can’t. You got me here, diagonally! Pretty sneaky, sis…”

The Round-up
Knowing the good and the bad in anime can go a long way in making sure you have a good experience with it. A lot of times, you can avoid some pretty awful stuff just by going with your gut. Specifically, if the show tries to remove the contents of your gut forcefully, it’s probably not for you.

Don’t give up, though. Great anime really is out there. Most of it is looking in the right place. But just as important is knowing where not to look – ever.

Does anything else aggravate you about anime?

Note: This is meant to provide the viewpoint of five first-time anime viewers who walked away thinking all anime was terrible based on one show - it is in no way indicative of the genre as a whole, or based on my own leanings.

Anime: Why It's Not as Bad as You Think

2010-08-02T16:54:00.000-04:00

When it comes to anime, most people have an opinion. While it has its followers, a good deal of the populace is unanimous in the decision that it’s terrible. By association, the majority of the populace has labeled those who like it as “weird,” “creepy” and, occasionally, will forgo name-calling of any kind in favor of giving them vigorous wedgies. I’ve personally been on both sides of the stretched elastic.

Of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. The problem is that many people haven’t given anime its fair chance. While there is some anime that is poorly-written, poorly-translated or just an affront to all that is good, this shouldn’t turn everyone off from the seven or eight quality shows in a sea of otherwise unwatchable crap.

Hey, I said it wasn’t all bad – I never said most of it wasn’t.

Misconception 1: All Anime Characters Have Swords, Cat Ears or Weird Hair
Many of the anime shows with oddly-dressed characters are…well, odd. Those that portray normal people tend to be a little less weird. And to be fair, Inuyasha has dog ears, so get your facts straight.

I’ll admit that swords are very common. But you also have to consider that it usually makes sense within the setting – a lot of anime happens in feudal times. The only reason you don’t see more swords in most shows is that they happen in modern terms. Believe me. If there was an anime version of “Law and Order: SVU,” I’d be the first to cry foul at a sword-wielding Stabler.

Though, how sweet would that version of the show be?

Misconception 2: All Anime is Poorly-Translated
Not so. In reality, only most anime is poorly-translated. And either way, you have to understand that translation is a universal problem. Whether or not it’s animated, dubbing is never going to fit lip movements exactly. (Think of non-Matthew Broderick “Godzilla” movies.) The same is true, for example, of Mexican soap operas – they just happen to be more hilarious.

Misconception 3: All Anime is Essentially Pornography
This is one of the worst misconceptions, as it’s the least true. The fact is that Japan has censoring standards similar to our own – they couldn’t just put naked people on television. Well, technically, someone could, but only once. The next day, they’d be looking for a new job…or a good lawyer.

Here’s a tip: steer clear on any mention of the words “yaoi” or “hentai.” While I won’t go into great detail about what these are, I can safely say that you won’t watch more than ten seconds without attempting to gouge your eyes out. If you do know what these terms mean, I can only hope the day you found out doesn’t revolve around a friend’s “hilarious” prank.

A friend of mine once tricked me into watching yaoi hentai. I’m still traumatized. But out of the two of us, I’m also the most alive, because I killed him.

Misconception 4: All Anime is “Dragon Ball Z” or “Yu-Gi-Oh”
I’d be lying if I said a lot of anime didn’t go this route. I can name at least a dozen series that fall into a very particular subgenre within anime. This genre is typically referred to as “people screaming during extreme close-ups of fights that destroy planets.”

It’s not a catchy name – it’s just very accurate.

There are a number of good shows that involve fighting. There are even a few that are good where long fights take five or more episodes to resolve. But a good rule of thumb is that if it takes a character more than one episode to finish an attack, you should run. Rest assured, if you get interested in a few years, the same fight will probably be going on.

Misconception 5: You Can Judge all Anime by Watching One
Be fair. If the first and only movie you saw was some low-budget “SyFy” original or (shudder) “Alexander,” you’d probably think all American movies were terrible, too. Your best bet is to find someone who knows anime to ease you into it with something non-threatening. Just hope they aren’t very mean or very “clever,” like the friend I mentioned earlier.

Believe it or not, anime-watchers walk among you – they’re probably even your friends. Just make sure you go to the right person. My advice? Steer clear of people who dress like anime characters or consider one of the characters their “girlfriend.”

The other problem is that many people are judging even good shows by a random episode. If you walk into “Bleach” Episode #92 some random Saturday night on “Adult Swim,” the Vegas odds say you’ll probably be confused. The same could be said of any show. In fact, if you missed the right ten seconds of “The X-Files,” I’m sure you’d never know what was going on again.

The Round-up
Just remember that anime doesn’t have to be your enemy. And while the majority is, unfortunately, about as refreshing as a splash of gravel to the face, it’s definitely not all bad. With the right experiences, such as “Cowboy Bebop,” you could really learn to love it.

Or, in the case of anime-loving boyfriends, you’re at least going to have to tolerate it.

Note: This is meant to be taken as an avid anime watcher's take on the genre - your specific mileage may vary based on the individual show you saw.

Comic 6: Genius is Subjective

2010-07-30T19:05:00.000-04:00

I had meaner stuff to say about scrapbookers, but I held off. I have this fear that everyone secretly does this and just never told me about it. Though, to be fair, I think even scrapbook fans can agree they've never needed to finish one in under a minute. Who are these products for?

Comic 5: Obesity is the Mother of Invention

2010-07-30T19:02:00.000-04:00

Keep in mind these figures aren't based on actual physical research - I just imagine this is what scientists would probably be complaining about.

Comic 4: Lost in Translation

2010-07-30T18:58:00.000-04:00

Mixed nerd/normal couples face daily struggles like this.

Preview: "Step Up 3D"

2010-07-28T16:12:00.000-04:00

The Story
This movie follows the tale of Luke and Natalie as they meet up with someone named Moose. According to various synopses I’ve read, this is the bulk of the preview. It gives no detail on these people, though I’d imagine the first two people are some sort of love interest. Moose, I’m guessing, is either a nickname, or evidence his parents hated him.

Somehow – it doesn’t come up in the synopses – their dance crew comes into competition with the best people from all over the world. It also adds that it will change their lives forever. It’s a pretty standard summary for “Step Up” movies, not to mention any number of frightening German folktales used to keep children out of forests.

I have no real insight into this movie’s plot, as the previews are just thirty seconds of that guy bobbing his head and people spinning.

Why It’s Bad
In no way do I mean to insult dancing itself. For the record, I think dance is an amazing form of personal expression. This is especially true if most of your feelings involve hip hop music and windmills.

The six or seven dance crew movies that have come out, however, have been mostly terrible. If I had to venture a guess – and I do love venturing things – I’d say the problem is probably that these movies don’t try to work in a plot around all the dance moves. While the result is visually dazzling – even more to people with no sense of rhythm – the stories and characters are boring. Most of these movies end up being as fun to viewers as a burn from a cigarette lighter.

This movie’s only attempt to separate itself from the pack is being in 3D. How will this enhance your movie going experience? It won’t – but you will have less money once you leave the ticket counter.

Why It’s Even Worse
People dancing for two hours with no sense of storyline, I can handle. What I can’t figure out is why these movies keep trying to attach weird significance to dancing. This is shown by this paraphrased line from the movie. I will write it, followed by a long shower.

“One move can change the world.”

No significant event in all of history has been solved through dancing, let alone one move. Ideas like this are dangerous, in that they are very, very stupid. Frankly, every time I read that line again, it makes me want to cut myself…then others.

Dancing doesn’t need to be some weird metaphor for the battle between good and evil. Why can’t it just be about the competition? Why does dance have to decide the fate of our immortal souls in these movies?

The Bottom Line
If you’re a fan of dance, you’ll probably be impressed by some of the moves. From the previews alone, I’m pretty sure none of these dancers have any bones. I am both impressed and horrified by some of things I saw them do.

Overall, though, I’m guessing it won’t be worth many people’s time and hard-earned money. Hopefully it will send a message to the moviemakers that we need a little substance in our movies. Like, wouldn’t it be cool if we had some drummers? And they were in a line or something?

The Rating
As this is a preview, I can’t pass final judgment on this movie. But I wouldn’t expect a lot from it. When this lands in theaters, you’ll probably hear it echo with all the empty seats.

Getting the Most from Telemarketing

2010-07-26T14:58:00.000-04:00

There is a saying that “from crisis comes opportunity.” While it was probably some obtuse metaphor about just not being a wuss, it’s something we can apply to many aspects of life. For example, many will see a call from a telemarketer as an annoyance. But within the annoyance are many opportunities for personal amusement and, occasionally, free services.

1. Language Transfer
Most telemarketers will happily transfer you to someone who speaks better English than they do. But why stop there? Do they have someone that can speak Spanish? French? Dutch? Once you’ve exhausted the normal languages, try more difficult transfers, like, “Connect me with someone who speaks in broken English.” Or, “Transfer me to someone who sounds like Justin Bieber.”

2. Free Therapy
Startling research has shown that many practicing therapists have no license in psychology. Scary? Maybe. But it also means that any given stranger is fine to tell your problems to. Telemarketers are an easy choice, since they’re already paid to listen to what you have to say and respond accordingly. They may not be too keen on the idea at first, but frankly, you’re really in no shape to change long distance carriers until you’ve dealt with your “middle child” issues anyway.

3. Relentless Innuendo
If the telemarketer is really rubbing you the wrong way, consider rubbing them back in a worse way. For those without the creativity to make financial services sound dirty – and you’re in the minority – there are easier ways. Just repeat back whatever they just offered you in a deeper voice and you’re well on your way to becoming a troubling human resources complaint.

4. Disturbing Questions
Any salesman is expected to be an expert in his field. But why ask easy questions about his carpet cleaning service? Instead, ask things like, “Can it clean human blood?” Or, “If you turn your machines up to full, will it drown out the voices?” If they interrupt a meal, consider asking questions totally unrelated to their product, like, “How does Chinese water torture work?”

5. Bargaining
It’s an unwritten rule that many companies are willing to negotiate their terms. A good bargainer might get a lower interest rate on a loan or a smaller monthly payment. A great negotiator, however, might get them to throw in a free car wash every week, or a free tray of mini muffins. Be creative. If the person on the phone seems hesitant to offer you a backrub to make the sale, just ask how much he really wants your business.

6. Adopt a Persona
With the same people day in and day out, telemarketers must get bored. To spice up their day, play a character during your conversation. Homemaker with two children? Dull. Retired cop on the edge whose daughter was killed by the last serial killer he put behind bars? Now that’s something they’ll be talking about around the water cooler.

7. Religious Undertones
Try to bring any topic of conversation back to religion. Of course, the telemarketer may not enjoy this, but this person probably didn’t consider your feelings when they called either. Loans and credit cards are probably the easiest. “You know, Jesus paid for your sins in full, with zero percent interest.”

If you’re good, the sky’s the limit for telemarketing calls. Then again, either way, doing any one of these things at least ensures a quick hang-up on the other line. Plus, if you’re disturbing enough, there’s a good chance you’ll end up on a “Do Not Call” list without even asking.

Science Fiction Pet Peeves

2010-07-23T20:39:00.000-04:00

So I was recently collaborating on a list of my biggest science fiction pet peeves with my girlfriend. This was the result. Depending on which of us you like better, you can assume either I or my girlfriend came up with the funniest ones.

1. Why do non-humans fall in love with humans?
The biological argument aside – stuff doesn’t try to mate with different stuff – this one is just plain icky. It’s like that monkey woman kissing Marky Mark in “Planet of the Apes.” That was unsettling. If Hollywood has deemed it wrong to show unattractive people kissing in movies, why are we so frequently accosted by people making out with other species?

2. Why does everything humans create want to kill us?
It never fails. The minute we make a robot or human hybrid or perfect creature, it goes crazy and starts munching on the science team. Why haven’t scientists learned their lesson by now? Anyone who doesn’t understand that our creations will inevitably come to hate their maker has, apparently, never raised a teenager.

3. Why is that woman who voices the self-destruct countdown such a bitch?
As crew members flee to escape pods, she casually counts down in monotone robotic voice. You’d think they would have programmed her to be a bit more sympathetic or something. Like, “The ship will self-destruct in two minutes…and I feel super bad about it.”

4. Why do alien super-weapons have such moronic weaknesses?
So the Death Star in “Star Wars” was pretty much the scariest thing in the Universe. But it was built with an exhaust port wide enough to put a bomb into. Is there some reason it needed an exhaust in the first place? “Oh, we need an exhaust or else it will run really loud when we gun it.” I guess then it wouldn’t have passed inspection or something.

5. Why does anyone with military training die while weaklings survive until the end?
Every movie seems to end with one grown-up and one small child surviving. Somehow, the raptors or zombies or aliens were able to bring down a fully-armored tank. But this child manages to survive. Absent of the fact that children are slower, weaker and can’t fight off enemies, everyone knows that they’re the most delicious of all people. They would be, like, a monster magnet.

6. How did aliens develop space travel without learning how to recycle?
The fact that alien races would want to steal our resources doesn’t bother me. What annoys me is that, even though they developed the technology to cross galaxies in minutes, they never developed a simple plastic recycle bin. Why does that invention always seem to elude their vast intellects?

7. Why do communications suck in the future?
Those holographic phones in “Star Wars” are cool and all, but there are two problems. One, why can the image only be in light blue? And two, why is it always flickering? I don’t know who’s providing long distance service to the Galaxy, but they need to fix their network. Though, I’d settle for a cheap Internet bundle or something.

(Note: Yes, I’m aware that “Star Wars” technically happened in the past – please don’t point this out.)

8. Why are humans always the stupidest creatures in the Universe?
It’s not good for my ego to keep watching these movies. Humans are consistently the least intelligent race anywhere. I’m sick of being the “greedy and war-like species with primitive space technology.” Let’s give some credit where credit is due. Earth invented both “The Dark Knight” and Cool Ranch Doritos. Suck on it, Vulcans.

9. Why does the escape route never go around the aliens?
Why can’t we just go out this back way? No. We have to take the way through the haunted flaming ruins. If we follow that, it will take us to the rickety bridge over the spike pits. And then, after a quick dip in spicy chipotle lime marinade, we make our way through the largest alien nest in the Universe to find the missing part to our ship.

10. Why does the military wear armor when it doesn’t do anything?
“Star Wars” should have been a big wake-up call for armor crafters. Did you ever see a Storm Trooper survive any blaster shot? Never. In fact, the only person I recall ever surviving was Leia, who was shot in the leg while wearing only a light jacket.

Those are my pet peeves – what are some of yours?

Comic 3: Nocturnal Activities

2010-07-21T17:08:00.000-04:00

It was just as well. Shelby is a Miniature Schnauzer. Any armor made from her would have crummy stats.

Comic 2: A Matter of Perspective

2010-07-21T17:03:00.000-04:00

I really have no idea what to say about the situation, as I never saw that movie.

Comic 1: Southern Discomforts

2010-07-21T16:51:00.000-04:00

Sadly, this is based on a true story...

Seven Habits of Highly Unemployed People

2010-07-19T14:23:00.000-04:00

Hard work, dedication and a game plan – these are three things you’ll have to avoid entirely if you have no plans on ever reentering the workforce.

Anyone can be jobless. Even in a good economy, losing your job is as simple as having a few drinks at the company Christmas party and needing to prove to your boss that you’re a “big man.” Still, few people can truly find a state of permanent and blissful “unemployment.”

Here are seven tips on avoiding the daily grind:

#1: Change your Way of Thinking
A lot of your friends, family and most societies throughout the world will look down on you for not working. You can’t get caught up in ideas like that. Viewing life as a constant need to move upward is known as “vertical thinking.” You need to use “horizontal thinking.” In fact, while you’re at it, start doing everything horizontally – sleeping, eating and watching television are all good starts.

#2: Find Time for Yourself
It’s easy to lose personal focus when you have so many lives of daytime television characters to worry yourself about. But the free time during unemployment is the perfect time for self-discovery. Luckily, it’s much easier to find something when it’s always on the couch, right where you left it.

#3: Stay Busy
Most people don’t know what to do with themselves while not employed. The trick is to find one project every day to complete. A good suggestion is spending at least three hours each morning growing a very untidy beard. Mustaches are easy. But a scruffy, ninth-grader beard is your way of saying, “Even if I accidentally walked into a job interview, my appearance alone would keep me out of a job.”

#4: Get Your Rest
Between barely moving, not doing laundry and refreshing your Facebook homepage, it can be hard to find time for proper rest. Sleep is important for maintaining your health and vitality. There’s no set rule for how many hours you should get a day. If you’re having trouble with it, try sleeping until you no longer have a sense of the passage of night and day.

#5: Manage Your Personal Ties
Once you stop working, it might be tricky to keep your relationships in order. This is a good start, as friends and family tend to complicate joblessness. They keep asking questions like, “When are going to go back to work?” or “Get out of my basement.”

Truly alienating your closest friends, however, will take more skill. They’ve stuck by you for years and may be hard to get rid of. To complete the task, be sure to repeatedly tell them how difficult it is to sit in a bathrobe for twenty-two hours a day. For extra effect, always point out how happy you are that it’s “finally the weekend.”

#6: Create Clever Titles
Some jobless people can’t get over negative titles like “unemployed.” That’s why you’ll need to think of new ways to label yourself. Do you criticize commercials out loud? “Marketing consultant.” Do you spend all day ogling attractive female characters in “World of Warcraft?” “Human resources analyst.”

Failing any of that, “freelance writer” is always a safe bet.

#7: Keep Things Fresh
Despite all the perks and easy lifestyle involved in not having a job, it will eventually get tiresome. Just remember that variety is the spice of life – or lack of one. There’s lot of ways to pass the time while not technically adding anything to society. Spend some time in Starbucks “writing your novel” so everyone can see it. Nurse the same one-dollar item at a fast food restaurant for eight hours. Make that “Bionic Man” noise whenever you get off the couch or go to the bathroom.

Review: "Eclipse"

2010-07-16T14:19:00.007-04:00

The Story
In “Eclipse,” we continue the surprisingly normal romance between vampire Edward and living, breathing and apparently delicious Bella.

Their normal high school lives are ruined when Victoria – also vampire and sometimes bitch – decides to raise an army of the undead to kill them. The Cullens must enlist the help of their werewolf enemies to stand a chance. In the end, this is all rendered pointless, as Jasper Cullen is a one-vampire wrecking crew who unleashes sparkly hurt on his enemies.

Along the way, there is a tense love triangle between Edward, Bella and Jacob. As Bella becomes more and more wishy-washy, the men in her life come closer to conflict. It’s only a matter of time before Edward’s eyebrows do battle with Jacob’s continuously-exposed abs.

Can they put aside their fairly superficial differences and save the tiny town of Forks?

Why It’s Good
One word: Jasper.

Wow. Out of the three movies so far, this was the one most clearly trying to appeal to men. Sure, it was still a romance, but it was also really, really violent. This is easily the most violent romance since “The Notebook Versus Predator.”

Granted, your Y-Chromosome might be lonely in the theaters. I understand the fear that seeing this movie will be a blow to your masculinity. I defend that any movie with this much vampire-limb-ripping is hard to classify as a “chick flick.”

If it is, I seriously need to check out “Pride and Prejudice” – I bet Mr. Darcy messes up some people.

Why It’s Not
One word: Bella.

I’d hate to be stuck behind this girl in line at a fast food restaurant, because she can’t make a decision. Everyone had to deal with her indecisiveness through two movies. Enough is enough. Edward has the time to wait – he’s immortal, after all. As for the rest of us, we’re really going to need her decide on one of the guys during this lifetime.

Other minor problems revolved around some of the acting and a few pacing issues. Overall, I left the theater feeling more annoyed by the clapping girls in the back than the movie itself. But as much as I’d like to, I can’t blame the movie for its rabid fans.

Though, I am a bit curious why a series that’s grossed a few trillion dollars by now can’t afford to buy Taylor Lautner a shirt.

The Bottom Line
I think it was a worthwhile watch. But I admit most people have probably already decided on these movies. The ones who like it would probably stick it out, regardless. The people who hate it probably wouldn’t see it if they offered free sex at the door.

As for the overly-obsessive, creepy fans, well, I’m sure I’ll hear you clapping and cheering in the back during “Breaking Dawn.”

The Rating
I give it a sparkly 8/10.

Survival Guide: Fussy Child at Restaurant

2010-07-16T14:14:00.003-04:00

Between family and married friends, there’s a good chance you’ll end up in this situation sometime in your life. While your own children would be easy enough to deal with, it can often be awkward to discipline other people’s kids. This means a potentially ruined meal. As most upscale restaurants have entrees starting at the price of a private jet, this is unacceptable.

Of course, you have the option to simply tolerate it or walk out – collectively known as “wuss tactics.”

Those of us with a spine, however, may opt for more drastic measures. These can range anywhere from a gentle scolding to a low-degree felony. While I can’t rightly condone violence, I’m also not naïve enough to claim it doesn’t get good results.

Stage One: Make the Child and Parent Aware
Some fussy children don’t mean to misbehave. They may simply need to be made aware that their behavior is improper. It may also remind an absentee parent to put down their iced tea, grow a pair and dole out some discipline.

Stage Two: Attempt to Correct the Behavior
Entering this stage means that both the child and parent have been made aware of the problem and have no interest in correcting it. As far as I’m concerned, not dealing with a fussy child is a tacit agreement that others may step in and discipline them for you. As this argument may not hold up in court, try your best to be gentle.

Stage Three: Be a Bigger Dick than the Child
As bad behavior escalates, it will become clear that you may have to leave your zone of comfort a bit. At times, it’s best to deal with the problem head on rather than beating around the bush. Gently remind the child that – while you have no intention of harming them – you probably could. Pray the child behaves at this stage, as later stages may result in scarring – both physically and mentally.

Stage Four: Resort to Drastic Measures
By this point, it should be clear that the parent is visiting their own fantasy world and has no plans to return to deal with their offspring. In their place, you must deal with the problem yourself. Depending on how you react, it may be best to find an escape route first.

Final Stage: Vengeance
Eventually, it’s not even about stopping the bad behavior anymore. Sadly, solving the problem in this way will undoubtedly lead to jail time. But rest assured, the others on your cell block probably won’t mess with you when they hear what you did.

If you take one thing from this, it should probably be to keep an eye on your own fussy child. People paid for a nice night out, just like you. Consider this before you let your little one kick and scream for an entire meal because they don’t like the way their sandwich was cut.

Of course, if that’s not incentive enough to be a good parent, remember that if you don’t discipline your child, someone else probably will.