Video Game Pet Peeves

I've been playing video games since the Atari 2600. Graphically, things have improved quite a bit since then, but oddly enough, developers are still mucking up a lot of the same stuff, too. Over the past ten to fifteen years, here are the things that have been annoying me the most.

Developers, please take a memo on these and try to fix them before games hit the super-futuristic stage like in "Tron" - the only thing worse than sucking is being immersed in a 3D world of sucking.

1. Worthless Characters
In fighting games, a long character list means a good chance that one will match your fighting style. For example, is your style being slow and doing no damage at all? Then you should play as Peach in “Super Smash Bros. Brawl.” Luckily, you have the option of just avoiding her altogether, but they could have filled her spot with – I don’t know – a fighter or something. Zero Suit Samus might dress like a whore, but at least she kicks the butt to back it up.

More evidence Peach was worthless – her ultimate attack was to create fruit. It does exactly as much damage as you might guess. None.

2. Excessively Convoluted Plots
The “Metal Gear Solid” series is a lot of fun. Its plot is also so thick that I’m not sure whether I won or lost when I killed the last boss. I swear that storyline was so obtuse you’d need a PhD to sort it all out. At a certain point in games, I just want someone to be bad and have a sword or gun to kill him.

3. Convenient Item Locations
“The Legend of Zelda” games are famous for this. Why is it that there just so happens to be an ice wall six feet from the treasure chest with the Fire Wand to melt it? Just once, to mess with my head, I’d like to open that chest and find an Ice Wand in there.

4. Repetitive Sounds
Back in the land of 16-bit goodness, there was a little game called “Streets of Rage 3.” Whether or not the game was fun, I don’t recall. Mostly, my brothers and I just did the special attacks to hear an irritating symphony of grating, poorly-recorded voices yell, “Power up!” and “Bare knuckle!” I don’t think I could bring myself to beat that game until I just muted the television.

That game, however, does get bonus points for having a secret code to play as a fighting kangaroo. That’s not even a joke. Go look it up.

5. Limited Soundtrack
Similar to repeating sound effects was the game that only had one song – “Tetris.” Play all you want. Either way, there’s no way to finish that game or song. It just loops forever. In fact, I haven’t played that game in ten years and I can still hear it playing in my head.

6. Random Battles
Whether or not you realize it, any RPG you play only has about five hours of content. Why does it take fifty hours to beat, you ask? Random battles. Depending on the game, you’ll be fighting one somewhere between every two minutes and every two steps. It’s a nice way to extend the experience. It also ensures that, once you’ve taken down the final boss, you back your vehicle repeatedly over the game disc as an act of revenge.

7. Endless Identical Sequels
To me, a sequel advances an ongoing storyline. What I don’t want is a series of games that are pretty much the same, but I have to buy each one. “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai” or whatever was fine. There was no need for “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai 2” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi Tortellini.” You can add as many random incomprehensible words as you want to the end. You’re not going to make it any better – you’re just going to run out of room on the game box.

8. Revamping Old Characters
I realize that certain characters need to be updated with the times. But I think some characters should just be left alone. Did you know there’s a game coming out called “Epic Mickey?” The point is that it’s Mickey Mouse during his more rebellious days, running around and causing mischief. If nothing else, the game’s idiotic premise has saved me the trouble of needing to make an actual joke here.

9. Messing with a Working Formula
I played what seems like a few dozen “Sonic the Hedgehog” games when I was younger. It was usually as simple as holding the “right” button and jumping once or twice a level. That was fun for me. The latest games are in 3D and, although the high-speed formula worked for a decade, they’ve completely abandoned fast-paced action. For some reason, I picked up one where Sonic was holding a broadsword. Don’t like that? Well, in another one, you can turn into a werewolf. Is that better?

It worked before. Why change it? This would be like tomorrow deciding fire is a bad way to cook food and just switching to heating it by throwing it at the wall over and over.

10. Inappropriate Fun
Don’t get me wrong – fun is fun. But some games weren’t fun when played the way they were intended. I still remember that I only played hockey and football games for the off chance of giving someone a career-ending injury. And I’m not sure what the actual point was of “Pilotwings,” but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to plow my plane into the ground at the highest possible speed imaginable.

Then again, I don’t read instruction manuals, so you never know…

What are some of the things that irk you most about video games of the past or present?

Video Game Lessons: Theft

We learn quite a few lessons from playing video games - almost all of them horrible.

Among these lessons is the surprisingly vague concept of "ownership." In the real world, people own things in their homes. In video games, homes are just storage places to keep the hero's loot.

In a lot of cases, it's "no harm - no foul." There's nothing wrong with picking a loose herb or two off the ground. After all, no one was using it anyway. But the line gets iffy when you start looting graves. And the lesson gets worse when you realize all the coolest equipment is from the oldest and most sacred graves.

Things only get worse in towns. Sure, the hero will occasionally buy something and support the local economy. For the most part, though, it's just a matter of wandering through people's unlocked homes (which is already trespassing) to find stuff you want. In life or death situations, you might argue the end justifies the means, but still.

Link was a particularly bad offender. Not only did he steal stuff, but a lot of it was right in sight of the homeowners. And, in the worst cases, he'll steal their stuff, hold it above his head so everyone can see it and then have musical fanfare playing. That's theft with a touchdown dance at the end.

I'm not really sure what to make of "Resident Evil" games. I mean, it's a zombie disaster and whoever is still living deserves the guns and stuff. Then again, how carefully do you really check to see if there are still survivors? If it were me, I'd just be finding stuff I wanted in houses and taking it. Because I seriously think your high-end DVD player is a key for a puzzle. Somewhere. Probably.

Then again, if there's a zombie disaster, I'm probably locking myself in the bathroom and pointing a shotgun at the door for a week - I might be a bit too timid for looting.

What do you think - is video game "looting" right or wrong?

Comic 9: That familiar feeling...

I wanted to post this to showcase some of the latest improvements in my art style.

This is just a little love for the various Monster Hunter communities I happen to take part in at the moment. You don't have to like the game to like the comic, but it couldn't hurt. If you don't get the joke, it's kind of a buy-in along the lines of "you must be at least this big of a nerd to laugh at this."

Should the joke still be incomprehensible, please play old Super Nintendo games until your nerdery improves.