Turkey-lagged.

I'm currently about neck-deep in turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy and any number of other delicious proteins and carbs that make you very sleepy - suffice it say, this will be quick.

I've recently been given a job. You probably won't hear much about it, as it isn't all that hilarious. But I thought it was worth sharing, as it means a few changes around here. At least for a few days, while I get things straightened up, my writing and drawing will be more erratic than usual.

Oh, and when I say erratic, I mean the schedule will be a bit random. I hadn't planned on just typing random words and letters. That would be too erratic.

In the meanwhile, I ask that you bear with the transition. I doubt it will be pleasant, but if we all pitch in around here, it should be painless. What I'm saying is, until I get used to work, I'll be expecting my readers to post articles and comics here for me.

Just kidding - I'll get on that shortly.

For those of you who simply can't wait, I suggest gorging on leftovers. It's all the fun of eating with the guarantee of sleep tacked onto the end. Because for Thanksgiving, if you're not exhausted after every meal, then you're probably not doing it right.

Sorry to the countries that don't really celebrate Thanksgiving. First off, I'm sorry to talk about such an inside cultural thing you might not get. And second, of course, well, I just think you're missing out. For that, I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

It's pretty much just eating - what country wouldn't love that?

Monster Hunter: Downsides III

Of course, the main reason so few people become the things they want to be as children is that they have unrealistic goals.

But I think that was kind of the point. As an aspiring writer, I probably had the most grounded dream I’ve ever heard of, in that it’s a real job you could actually have. I’ve heard children talk about what they want to be when they grow up – wizards, superheroes, Hannah Montana, etc. – and they’re in for some big disappointments through the years. (That last group, especially.)

Childhood probably would have been a lot duller if it was just a bunch of us wanting to be contractors, cashiers and human resource directors.

For one, the playground wouldn’t have been all that fun. Imagine long games of haggling over estimates to upgrade pretend kitchens or scanning make-believe grocery items while making small talk. I’m not sure what games the aspiring human resources directors would have played. From what I’ve seen, their games would have mostly involved not calling me back about job offers.

Zing.

I’m sure that most of us won’t be what we wanted to be. But that’s okay. Because when you get right down to it, most of us were pretty stupid when we were children. I know my six-year-old self. He took dangerous dares involving gasoline and fire from his older brothers. He's probably the last person I’d be taking career advice from.

As we grow up, I think we learn a lot about the real world. And our job hopes are tempered with a healthy dose of reality. We suddenly learn that jobs aren’t about “fun” or “magic” or whatever else we originally thought. We realize any job is fine if they pay you a lot.

I admit it’s a lousy moral to the story, but yeah, I’d probably take a punch in the stomach every day at work for thirty dollars an hour.

And that nicely wraps up my week-long article spree about jobs.

(A Note about the Comic: Yes, that suit of armor is drawn to scale. I opted for the male version, which is slightly bigger and good for this joke. Though, it probably would have been just as funny to use the female armor – more or less a pink metal carnival prize bear. It’s ever more proof that the armor crafter in town secretly hates your character in Monster Hunter Tri.)

Monster Hunter: Downsides II

In other news, no, you wouldn't be good at that random job you saw in some random movie or video game.

There are times when I wish I hung around people who used more recreational drugs. While my overall stance on drugs is reasonably conservative, this is the point where I'm happy to bend. Mostly, I think if my friends used drugs, at least they'd have an excuse for half the stupid ideas that come out of their mouth.

I can't count the number of times I've heard someone point at a television screen and say, "Oh, I'd be so good at that." Generally, it's some absurd job, like a guy shooting zombies or something. As if someone could have natural talent in that.

Like, "Your verbal and mathematical skills are very low on your SAT's, but your zombie survival numbers really saved you."

The worst part is that a lot of these comments are self-disqualifying. I mean, I have no idea if you have any skill in being a special operations soldier or not. But judging by the fact that the friend who said this had been on the same forty inches of couch for the past ten hours - too lazy to even go to the bathroom - I'm pretty sure they'd at least fail the physical part of the exam.

A lot of these things seem like fun. Then again, anything is more fun when it only involves pressing six to ten buttons to make it happen. The real versions of being a soldier, assassin, race car driver and professional athlete involve quite a bit more...well, standing up and that other hard stuff.

Well, maybe not race car driver...

Monster Hunter: Downsides I

Note to Non-Hunters: In "Monster Hunter Tri," you cook raw meat to restore stamina. While doing so, inexplicably weird circus music plays. Anyone looking to make more than three pieces of cooked meat is bound to go insane listening to that tune over and over. If it also plays when hunters eat random meals at home, I have no doubt they'd hang themselves within a week. (Or at least get a lot of take-out.)

Now, on with the article.

When you were a kid, you probably had outlandish ideas for what you wanted to be as an adult. We all wanted to be astronauts, ninjas and all sorts of other random crap. Twenty years later, I can say that I'm thrilled I never became any of these things.

Eventually, the reality sets in that these jobs are terrible.

Assuming you could even find work as a ninja, assassin or something of the sort - and that's a big "if" - can you imagine a worse job? You'd be working every night. You'd never be able to sleep soundly. And everything you did would be kept a secret. This, I imagine, would be hell come time for a raise.

"I only get one percent?" you'd asked. "I killed a hundred men. I lived in the shadows. And I didn't even get a single vacation day!"

To which your boss would reply, "There's no proof you were involved in any of those assassinations. Also, I think you're stealing throwing stars from the supply closet."

And then you'd have to kill your boss - which means no reference for your next job.

My point is, so many of the jobs we thought would be cool probably have their share of negatives. Anything from superhero to vampire hunter would probably be a lot less fun to do than we'd think. Unfortunately, I doubt a lot of kids are reading this article, so I doubt I'll be helping anyone. Still, speaking from personal experience, I can definitely say I wish someone had been there to give me a reality check as a child.

Believe it or not, I wanted to be a writer. I know, right? A terrible fate, indeed...