Nerd's Guide to 2am

There are people out there who only see 2am as they turn over in bed during a good night's sleep - as a nerd, that kind of weirds me out.

I'm not sure if there was ever a point in my life when I went to bed early. My parents were never strict about bedtimes. This may have been because they trusted to me to make good decisions about sleep on my own. It may have also - and more likely - been because I went to sleep at 3am and still got good grades, so I was effectively untouchable. You'd have to ask them.

Either way, I quickly found that late night living suited my nerdy lifestyle very well. And judging by the odd spike this site usually gets in traffic between 11pm and 2am, I'm not alone. Or...there's a time zone thing.

As that second theory invalidates my entire point, I'll assume it's the first idea.

I'm assuming many of you already know the wonders of insomnia. (It helps to have a job that starts around noon, or it's far less fun.) For those who don't, though, there are a number of interesting things that happen early in the morning.

-They loop the programming on "Adult Swim." Most people know this. What they don't realize, though, is that due to sleep deprivation, everything gets a lot funnier. The anime that runs a second time is still interesting, and in many cases, it's suddenly a comedy.

Note: "King of the Hill," however, remains the exactly as unbearable the second time - go figure.

-Assuming sleeping people are nearby, anything on your television louder than a mouse clearing its throat sounds like a bomb going off.

-The good part of your video game comes right when you're just about to drop from exhaustion.

-If it's 5am and you're still up, consider hiding your phone. Because that inflatable knife set you thought looked ridiculous at 3am looks kind of tempting at 4am. And an hour later, you're wondering if you'll be okay with only one set.

-A wave of food commercials will hit the moment the last restaurant in your area closes.

Note: Beware this if you tend to be a late night eater. Similar to infomercials, that "disgusting" food looks pretty good at 3am. That "expired" food looks fairly edible at 4am. And that stuff you're "allergic to" is tender and juicy come 5am.

Infomercial Pet Peeves

While it has its drawbacks, insomnia is like an all-access pass to the best of the best infomercials on television. This roughly puts it on par with the worst of any other part of television, but it's tough to be picky when so little else is on. Here are a few things that I've seen lately that got me thinking.

1. How often does this come up?
When it comes to cooking, I know my way around grilling, baking, boiling, broiling, chopping, slicing and dicing. Yet, in five years, I’ve never once had to use a knife sharp enough to cut through a car door. Even assuming I might, what are the chances that – in the next five seconds – I would still need a knife sharp enough to cut bread?

2. Was the old way really so bad?
Some, if not most, of the products offered are actually just improvements over current tools. Sometimes they make old products better. Other times, I’m left wondering if the old versions were as bad as they made them out to be. I’m still skeptical of that commercial that claims fans that chop my air and blow it on me are unsettling. If that was enough to ruin my day, I think therapy would be a better way to spend my money than a new, quieter fan.

3. How is that spokesman so peppy at 4am?
I realize it must be exciting to show the world your new revolution in cheese grating technology. But take a breath and calm down. That punctuation at the end of your sentences is called a “period” – and yes, stopping there is traditionally not optional.

4. Who sits in those audiences?
This is one of those great mysteries. What’s the system for choosing these people? Or does someone just stand outside a studio and awkwardly proposition passersby? “Excuse me. How would you like to come inside this windowless building and clap while someone yells at you about sharp objects?”

My theory involves luring in elderly people on hot days with the promise of a chair and air conditioning.

5. How much is this stuff worth?
Value is king in infomercials, but I have no idea how anyone is making any money. They cut prices. They knock off payments. And next thing you know, they’re offering a second set for free. If your stuff is so valuable, why are you pawning it off like stolen property from the back of your van?

6. …And why would anyone need two, anyway?
The majority of products are marketed as “the only one you’ll ever need.” In many cases, having one of these products is more than you’ll ever need. Of course, you could always give one to a friend. But this also suggests people who buy memory foam mattresses for their cat have friends.

7. Why do you think children are this stupid?
Apparently, actual toys in stores weren’t enough. At some point, out-of-touch adults started marketing new craft-type projects to equally out-of-touch great aunts who know nothing about kids. Decorating their picture frames with bendable color twists isn’t nearly as fun as the kids in the commercial make it out to be. After all, those children are being paid.

I assure you – your children would much rather stare quietly at the wall or possibly even do some light stone quarrying.

8. What school did you say you went to?
There are obvious dangers in using inferior products. And while I’m willing to admit your old knives may not cut bread as well as your new ones, that’s where I draw the line. Instead of buying new cutlery, would you consider just not putting all your weight on the loaf and having a seizure?

And maybe all that fruit would fit in your old, small-mouthed juicer if you stopped trying to shove a banana in sideways.

9. Won’t I still need these things?
A good tactic to sell something is showing everything you already own that it can replace. To some extent, I believe it. Other times, I’m skeptical. Those new stackable storage bins look really nice and all, but I’m not sure I should “throw out my bulky, useless closets.”

10. Why is there always more?
At thirty minutes apiece, most infomercials aren’t too long. Still, why do I have to wait all the way until the end to hear how low they’re bringing the price down? If I’m the kind of person who desperately needs a “Shamwow” at 5am, do you really think I need a price cut and a second set for free?

I’m betting the people who consider spill emergencies like this at this hour of the morning probably don’t need the extra incentive to buy anything.

Do you have any favorites/pet peeves?

Comic 6: Genius is Subjective

I had meaner stuff to say about scrapbookers, but I held off. I have this fear that everyone secretly does this and just never told me about it. Though, to be fair, I think even scrapbook fans can agree they've never needed to finish one in under a minute. Who are these products for?