The Ultimate Back-to-School Unlist

Every year starting sometime in July (yes – it’s that early), I’m accosted by the latest back-to-school lists. Call me skeptical, but I find it a little odd that each year, this list is slightly bigger. And this skepticism is tougher to brush aside when these lists are generally written by Target and Wal-Mart. As impartial as these retail giants might be, I have trouble trusting them for some reason.

Still, I’ve been to college. (And I was there for a long time.) I can honestly tell you that if the list includes more than pencils and notebooks, chances are, they’re padding it quite a bit.

Browsing these lists, I compiled a few of the worst offenders. I don’t know how they keep making it on these lists when no one actually uses them. But you’d be better off leaving them at home this year. If you find you need them, the majority can still be won in crooked card games with your roommate.

1) Graphing Calculator
Mark this down as the most useful item no one will let you use. It can make graphs, solve equations and basically make that well-trimmed melon atop your shoulders useless. And that’s exactly why professors ban them on tests.

2) Prepaid Phone Cards
It’s important to stay in touch as a family. But with the Internet alone, there are at least a dozen better ways to keep up in your child’s life. Besides, if you didn’t get your kid a cell phone, you probably don’t love them anyway. In which case, why would they need to call you?

3) Answering Machine
Within a few weeks, you’ll be so hard-pressed to avoid some people you’ll be wishing you’d forgotten it back at home anyway.

4) Entire Medicine Cabinet
Health is key in college. Because you’re crammed in close quarters with at least five thousand other sick people, it’s also impossible. Until your immune system gears up by year three, you’ll be getting sick no matter what – there’s barely any point in treating anything but the symptoms. That’s why all you really need is PM cold medicine. It might not get rid of everything, but it will make you sleep. Most, if not all, symptoms are far more manageable when you’re not there to have them.

5) Alarm Clock
I’ve yet to set an alarm clock for any important occasion where it hasn’t failed miserably. After a few failed attempts to conquer the “AM/PM mystery,” low volume and random power outages, I just gave up. From then on, I just used my cell phone alarm. It’s digital, immune to blackouts and can be (and is) programmed to wake me up with Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

6) Deodorant
That was a test – if you agreed, I either hate you or you’re my first college roommate.

7) College Posters
I’m not against all posters on walls. They’re a quick way to show things you like, what you’re about and your individual taste. But is it really your individual taste when you have the same three posters as every other person who went to college in history?

Either way, you’re probably better off packing with your gut. I mean that in the sense of instinct. Though packing nothing but Easy Mac and instant mashed potatoes isn’t the worst idea I’ve ever heard.

What about you – anything you’d be better off leaving with your parents?

An Ancient Homage to Nerdery

Wow. So this has been doing its rounds for a while now, but I had to put this up. You either get this or you don't - those who don't get it are missing out on a fine piece of history. For those who don't know, "The Oregon Trail" was effectively the cutting edge of Apple's green-tinted computer screen technology back in the day. If this movie was ever made, it would be the best thing ever.

And remember - when in doubt, resting six days will fix anything. Ever.

Big thanks to Half Day Today.