A reminder.

In case you're wondering why the updates aren't so common here these days, it's because we've moved on to our new digs at The Nerd Empire.

You should really check it out. It's basically everything you like about Better Left Unwritten, but much, much more. We've got more writers, daily updates and a really cool title banner. I'm just saying, that little nerd by the flags is adorable.

Go here to see it in all its nerdy glory: The Nerd Empire!

Waste of Time Awards - Best in Show

We've reached the final day of the awards, and that can mean only one thing - I'm out of tiny award statues with clocks on the top and I have to stiff the winner today.

I won't waste a lot of words introducing this one. As it is, the winner has already devoured a good chunk of my time in 2010. Hopefully, in 2011, I might be able to find more time to do actual productive things.

With how awesome "Monster Hunter Tri" is, though, it's not looking good.

Rather than reuse the same red curtain award backdrop I've been using the past three days, I thought I'd mix it up and just make an original comic based on the winner. So this is what you get. If it's not quite as epic as you think it should be, I suggest imagining a hardcore guitar solo playing in the second panel.

And with that, we wrap up a successful year of awards and a great 2010. Congratulations to the winners. (All both of them.)

But in letting go of the old, we also look forward to the new. Among them are two major events happening right on this blog (or linked to it by this blog, at least - we'll see) next week. On Monday, I plan to unveil the first installment of "Ascension: Origins" - "Cold Eyes." You'll also get your very first look at this site's big brother - "The Nerd Empire."

While I can't get into too many details right now, I can assure you that The Nerd Empire will be your one-stop shop for all things nerd. I'll also be expanding my staff to include new writers. And, by the way, if that's something that interests you, get in touch with me.

In any case, I'm literally so excited I could squeal, but that would be embarrassing, so I won't.

Waste of Time Awards - Video Games

This award is only a day or so old now and we're already beginning with a shocking result - "World of Warcraft" did not win in the Video Games Category.

So who could have put up better numbers? Well, it was none other than the Wii's "Monster Hunter Tri." With 182 hours - more than a week's worth of continuous play, or 2% of all my time in 2010 - it was the Winner of Biggest Waste of Time in Video Games!

To accept this award will be Reia, the character I play:

This game got some big numbers with an early year release. But that's not all that carried it. It was a mix of fun and frustratingly hard gameplay that forced me to replay encounters again and again until I won.

And it was this same frustration that had me coming back to old encounters with better equipment just to kill the monsters again out of spite. I'll give Capcom credit for making the most infuriating game in exactly the right ways to be a replay goldmine. The difficulty was always exactly enough to keep me interested but never quite enough to remove the game disc and pump two rounds into it execution-style.

And, for those interested, here's how the contender's did.

2. "World of Warcraft" (PC) - A respectable 92 hours. Of course, many will point out that it may have won if "Cataclysm" were released earlier in the year. But winners don't need excuses to win - it's what separates the games that nibble on my free time and those that devour it.

3. "Super Smash Bros. Brawl" (Wii) - An impressive 84 hours - almost enough for the number two slot. Once again, lots of replay options gave both myself and Jess lots of reasons to come back to the ring. Sadly, we stopped once the only trophies left to win involved beating impossible challenges with 600 different characters...

4. "Katamari Damacy" (PS2) - A baffling 61 hours. This quirky game about rolling a sticky ball over objects to making an even larger ball somehow got played for over two full days. This is all the more surprising, given that the game's soundtrack is like the elevator music in Hell.

5. "Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn" (Wii) - Rounding out the top five, this game ate up 42 hours. This fun tactical RPG is probably one of the best (and only) on the Wii. Assuming I have a yen to play the super-bonus second play through with the secret ending, it might get a slot on this list next year.

How do you think this list matches up with your own? Please do tell. I'm guessing those with actual next-generation systems may have had varying mileage.

Stay tuned - up Wednesday is the "Film and Television Category."

1st Annual "Waste of Time" Awards!

As a fun treat for 2011, we've decided to recognize and honor those most nerdy of activities known for eating up every ounce of our free time. Just remember, though. When it comes to being a nerd, there's no such thing as a waste of time - only being dedicated.

There will be three major categories:

1) Video Games - Fairly self-explanatory. These are weighted by total time played. Whichever game was played the most this past year will be the winner.

2) Film and Television - Also fairly self-explanatory. The best and nerdiest movie or television show wins. Of course, those that were watched over and over will get some extra weighting. Basically, if I wore out the DVD, there's a good chance it will win.

3) Other Media - This is essentially anything nerdy that doesn't fall under the other categories. It could include visual media, other types of gaming and whatever else comes up. Sense random things will be competing, I have no objective way of scoring, but the best thing will win. Does that help?

This will be a week-long event, so check back frequently. A category will be decided on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And Saturday, each of the three winners will compete for Best of Show as "The Biggest Time Waster of 2010."

Honor and glory will, no doubt, ensue for the victor, while shame and humiliation await for "Jame's Cameron's Avatar." Er...the losers...whoever they may be.

So without further ado, welcome to the 2010 "Wasties." (Not quite as catchy as "Oscars," but it'll do.) Grab some popcorn. Get ready to second-guess the outcomes. And most of all, just have fun.

By the way, the Dorktionary is now up and running - so check that out, too.

Don't Overdo It...

For those of you who didn't get my clever allusion in the last post, I'll be clearer - I recently asked my girlfriend of three years to marry me.

...Yes, she said yes.

In the lead-up I had a number of really amazing ideas of exactly how to propose. Many of which were incredibly nerdy. The majority of these may have also made her consider her answer much more carefully. Mercifully, I went with the classic "on one knee, asking" tactic.

No doubt, many people think of this as a betrayal of nerd ideals. First off, I was in trouble for actually dating a girl. To not propose in an over-the-top nerdy way is essentially blasphemy.

But - lest we forget - here are a few ways of asking that didn't or wouldn't go so well:

1) Mario Hacking - Several people have hacked their old "Mario" games to show marriage proposals in coins or blocks. I've seen three outcomes. One went okay. Another, the girl got pissed. The third, most hilariously, ended with the girl not noticing. Obviously, not always the way to go.

2) Pac-Man Hacking - At least one person has hacked his old Atari "Pac-Man" cartridge to pop the question. The problem? He programmed it for level 100. His girlfriend couldn't get past 10. And the icing on the cake? After she was furious he kept pushing her to play, he tried himself and couldn't reach it either.

A failure as a boyfriend and as a nerd.

3) Online Marriage - A nerd inspired his girlfriend to play "World of Warcraft" for a month. This was all a setup to his character eventually kneeling and proposing to hers. Unless your girlfriend is ridiculously into the game, too, this isn't nearly as romantic as you think. Especially with the follow-up that they should be married on the bridge leading into Stormwind.

You know, the secret bridge leading into the most populated city in the game where nobody would ever wander through their ceremony and making a scene.

4) Nerd Comic - As per "Penny Arcade," at least one gamer has proposed through a comic. This is actually pretty cute, assuming your girlfriend enjoys public displays. It's also far cuter if she says yes - otherwise, that would be a pretty devastating way to display your shame forever.

5) All-out Fail - Particularly out-of-touch nerds may get the "clever" idea to dress up as their favorite character and propose that way. To my knowledge, this has never happened. Then again, if I dressed up like Inuyasha and was shot down, I doubt I'd be spreading word around either.

Assuming this ever happened, I'm sure this secret died with the nerd's hopes of marriage.

So, as you can see, romance and nerds don't always mix well. If you've got an idea to pop the question and it seems too nerdy, you may want to reconsider. Like a proposal at a sporting event, it's really best to consider what the girl would think instead of random people on online forums.

A good rule of thumb - if you'd need to beat a video game or watch an entire anime series to understand your proposal, it's not a great idea.

Monster Hunter - Resolutions

(Note: As Deviljho is enormous and very detailed, the picture had to be exceptionally large for this post.)

As the pictures are quite large already, I'll keep this fairly short.

Once again, it's a New Year. For many of us, that means making resolutions. For most of those people, it also means failing them.

But that's not my point today, so I won't digress.

Unlike people, video game characters are incapable of change. This means that whether they want to shed a little holiday weight, cut down on the gambling or just try something new everyday, they have to stay the same. To help, I've decided to write their resolutions for them.

Link (Legend of Zelda):
Consider a new wardrobe. And not just different colors. I mean, like, something non-tunic. I'd address the hoarding and thievery, but one step at a time, I suppose.

Kirby:
Eat less. Or throw up less. I'm willing to settle for either.

Sonic the Hedgehog:
It would probably be cute if I said something about slowing down and enjoying life, but really, I'd just like him to stop starring in games that suck.

All Cat People with Irritating Voices:
Die.

Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII):
Stop being such a wishy washy crybaby. Seriously. How can someone who carries such an enormous sword whine so much about having to fight?

Well, I think that pretty well covers it. As I was aiming at keeping this post short, I'll stop here. As I've also forgotten a few hundred video game characters, I might also come back to this in another column.

In other site news, I'll soon be adding a dedicated "Monster Hunter" section for their own comics. I've also received requests for a "Dorktionary" to clarify confusing nerd terms. As I didn't come up with the name for that and am furious that someone else gave me the idea, I'll say no more on it for now.

In other, other news, you might be amused if you check the staff page and read the adjusted titles under each of the staff member's names.

The Site-a-clysm is upon us...

For the new year, I decided to update a lot of stuff around here. Then some more stuff. Then...everything else.

As for why it's called the "Site-a-clysm," well, that's because I enjoy making puns based on popular online role-playing expansions. I think it's a nice title, given that pretty much everything here is changing. It's shouldn't be confused with the "Matt-a-clysm," the marathon episode of food poisoning and vomiting two days ago that delayed this update slightly.

There's lots of things you might want to check out. Among them are the new "Video Game Trailers" and "You Should be Watching" for this month. Joining them will be the new page, "You Should be Playing," which details a number of free online games worth a good play or two. You should find them quite enjoyable, except for their ability to ravage your free time.

Also keep an eye out for "Ascension: Origins," the upcoming comic series for this site. It's a fantasy and a bit of a departure from the usual comedic fare here, but it's still quite nerdy. Hopefully you enjoy it as much as our creative team here has enjoyed writing and drawing it.

Otherwise, yeah, look how wide this center column is. You see that? Pretty cool, eh?

So from all of us here (both of us - Shelby is visiting relatives), we hope you enjoy all that's in store for the new year. Happy New Year! And happy nerding in 2011!

Monster Hunter - Christmas Wishes

(Note: No, there's nothing wrong with your eyes. The comics actually look different. They may seem more hand-drawn, which would be ideal, as they now are.

Or...there's something wrong with your eyes, in addition to this new change.)

By now, I'm sure everyone is basking in their hauls from Christmas. That is, assuming, you happen to celebrate this particular holiday. Or, at least, your friends do, and give you gifts against your will.

As a nerd, I've always found this to be a somewhat difficult holiday. Since most of my gifts are either obscure or related to confusing technology, I can't always expect others to get me the right things. Asking for a laptop with particular specifications is kind of like speaking to people in Korean.

Luckily, my girlfriend is fluent in nerdish - not only does she understand what I want, she can also explain it to her parents.

I won't bore you with my entire gift list, but I was very happy with everything I got. "Cataclysm," obviously, was awesome. I also got a lot of tasty treats. And, most importantly for the site, we also got a very high-quality scanner/printer so I can publish better and faster blog posts. Though, if I'm not mistaken, that gift might have been for Jess, and I just kind of stole it already.

...I'll have to look into that.

More on-topic, I was commissioned - or rather, asked nicely - to do a "Monster Hunter" Christmas comic. As I draw very little else, it seemed like a good idea. But I still get to seem generous, okay?

The comic does bring up valid questions. Assuming monsters were good, what would they be asking for? I'd imagine they'd have some interesting wish lists - in addition to the more obvious wish that random people stop killing them.

Great Jaggis would probably like some earplugs to block out the constant screeching from their entourage. Royal Ludroth might consider a turtleneck. Caedeus could use a beard-grooming kit. Gigginox, well, I really have no idea.

Hunters, clearly, don't need Christmas gifts - they just carve them off monsters.

Things I Already Know

As a proud member of the Digital Age, I can receive updates on world events the moment they happen. No matter what corner of the world something happens in, I'm right in the loop. But rest assured, as far as things I already know are concerned, I don't need to be reminded.

Two or three times a week, I'll see a story online about a research study. The details vary from story to story, but the outcome is the same. Any person with a fifth-grade education and half an ounce of common sense already knew the findings.

Which is all the worse when these studies cost millions upon millions of dollars.

What would be a better use of that money? Well...anything. Because I don't need ten million dollars to realize that "teenagers generally identify themselves as unhappy" or "overweight individuals report above-average low self-esteem." That's right up there with the headline "Pope mostly considers self Catholic."

In the same vein, I've been seeing a lot of "news" lately about "World of Warcraft: Cataclysm" that shouldn't really be news to anyone. When I saw it broke every sales record for the year, I wasn't shocked. When I heard there was a one-night boost to video game store sales, I kind of saw it coming.

A few days back, a particularly out-of-touch technology columnist made the bold prediction of saying, "Cataclysm very well may be the RPG hit of the holiday season."

It's risky going out on a limb like that for a game that sold about three million copies in one hour - I hope he keeps his job if he's wrong.

The point is, I'm starting to realize that in the Digital Age, I'm a bit too well-informed. I like to know exactly what's going on in the world at any time. But even in an Internet with unlimited space to store information, there's just no room for information I knew ten minutes post-womb.

And yes, that comic is accurate - everyone has "Cataclysm."

Monster Hunter: Cha-Cha Accessories

Have you ever heard of being alone in a crowded room? In my case, it's often being alone in a room full of millions of people. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm a bit notorious when it comes to my solo gaming habits. Though many games have online multi-player modes to enjoy, I generally prefer the offline version. In fact, even in games that have only an online version - such as "World of Warcraft" - I find it irritating to bump into other people.

By no means am I antisocial. But after five years of college and endless group work projects, along with a team-based work environment and a committed relationship, I've come to appreciate a little solitude here and there. It's not that I don't enjoy playing games with other people. For me, it's just a lot easier to unwind when the only person I can let down is myself.

In the case of "Monster Hunter Tri," I'm secretly convinced that I suck - a fact that the offline mode is much less likely to notice than a living, breathing person.

Ironically, there are people who are the exact opposite of me. They love the online multi-player. They love it so much, in fact, that they have things in the offline version that mimic other people. They invite non-existent people to play with them. Somehow, this seems insulting to schizophrenics, who don't have the option to turn these people off.

My experiences with these "fake people" has been...well, hilarious. I remember playing with "bots" in the original "Half-Life" who trash-talked as they shot at you. Playing capture the flag with fake humans who yell things at you that you pre-determine in the options menu is exactly as fun as it sounds.

They're something surreal about a computer program saying it slept with your mom last night after head-shotting you...because you programmed it to.

In Monster Hunter, Cha-Cha is the closest thing they have to a second player (assuming you have no one else at home to play with). As horrible as it would be, I'd like to see an option to customize his behavior to mimic a real person. The snobby high-rank player and hopeless low-level seem like good options.

They're apparently pretty popular gaming types, as they're the bulk of all complaints on the forums.

A Quick Announcement

Just to let everyone know, I've updated the video game trailers to include a few new games that should be rocking your faces off in the very near future.

I've also added a new monthly section of my recommendations of things to watch. There's some good watching to be had in December, so I suggest you check it out. Those wanting some good recommendations each month should come back periodically. The title will change from "December" to "January" when there's new information, so that will take out the guess work.

Anyway, it's all part of ramping up efforts on the site for the new year, so get ready. The awesomeness is coming. There will be no escape.

World of Warcraft: The Non-Expansionist Guide

My life situation - currently a divine mixture of responsibility and poverty - has made me decide to forgo the "Cataclysm" expansion of "World of Warcraft" for the time being.

As I assume I'm not the only one in this position, I decided to write briefly on how to cope with the change (or lack thereof). Hopefully, it will aid those without the ability to enjoy all the amazing new content available to others. Ideally, we'll all realize that even without the new races, new levels, new zones, new weapons and armor...hmmm. I think I forgot my original point somewhere in realizing all the stuff I can't have.

In that case, rather than writing about how to cope, I will simply go into the fetal position.

For those not in the know, expansion packs add a vast amount of new content onto existing games. In the case of online games, this creates a unique situation of having people playing alongside one another who have or don't have the expansion. There are "the haves" - those with access to the amazing new material. And there are those without - we will refer to them as "the forsaken."

Of course, those without the new expansion can still play. It would be unfair to cut them off, as they still pay a monthly fee. They simply won't be able to interact with any of the new content. Actually, they'll be able to look at it - just not touch it.

Which, come to think of it, kind of makes it even meaner.

A good analogy would be renting an apartment. One day, the landlord would explain that he's added a kitchen and that - for a one-time fee - you'll be allowed to use it as much as you like. Your roommates jump at the chance to experience the widely-anticipated refrigerator and microwave, whereas you decide to hold on to your money. Since you still pay rent, you get to live there. You just can't walk into that room or enjoy any of the things there.

Every day, your friends walk in and out of the new kitchen showing you all the cool things they can make there. Over time, they slowly leave you behind and spend all their time there. I'll end the analogy here, as in addition to being sad that I don't have "Cataclysm," I've also made myself very hungry.

I'm sure I'll eventually buy the expansion - it will just be very hard in the interim. Every moment I spend without the expansion is one where I don't have my new worgen character. The worgen are a race of shape-shifting creatures with the ability to shift between human and werewolf at will. I realize this doesn't make them sound like anything besides any other cliche werewolf, but I assure you that they're quite different. These ones talk in British accents.

Yeah. I know. It's going to be a long month.

Nerdsgiving 2010!

Nerdsgiving went off without a hitch again this year. It was a time of fun, festivity and tolerance towards niche entertainment media such as anime, manga and video games. Judging by the blank expressions of the people who just read this paragraph, I feel I should explain.

Although I suspect its origins are much earlier, my girlfriend and I recently started celebrating Nerdsgiving last year. It's the one time of the year where we come together to do overly nerdy activities, no matter how weird they may be. For example, last year we watched the entire anime series "Akikan." Besides the fact that it was only in English subtitles, the plot involved fighting girls who transformed to and from cans of soda by being kissed for the purposes of determining whether aluminum or steel cans were superior.

That's not even a joke. That's the real plot summary of that series. But it does nicely illustrate my point - no matter how nerdy the anime, nothing is off-limits on Nerdsgiving.

In my relationship, I feel it's good exercise in compromise. Even if there are occasional scuffles over what we're watching on television, there are times when you just have to give up the remote. In mixed nerd and normal couples, there has to be a decent balance between video games and "Say Yes to the Dress."

Though, for the record, having a "Say Yes to the Dress" RPG would make everyone a lot happier.

This year, Jess and I enjoyed a marathon of science fiction movies and more mainstream anime. My eyes were a bit too tired to be reading through English subtitles. Not to mention, I think I had a hope we could watch something weird enough to top "Akikan." Sadly, as far as I know, nothing exists.

In any case, I wanted to bring the holiday to everyone's attention. For those interested in partaking in the festivities next year, all you need is a little junk food and some anime to watch. It traditionally occurs the weekend after Thanksgiving. It may span one or more days, depending on your personal tolerance and sleeping habits (or lack thereof).

So have fun, and Happy Nerdsgiving!

Video Game Aversion: Language Quirks

This week, I thought I'd address an issue that's common (and irritating) in both anime and video games - people with pointless language quirks.

There's no real-world counterpart to this annoyance. But if it helps, imagine if people randomly interspersed semi-words into sentences like "nyah," "shaka," "laka," and other such nonsense. It's kind of like how Canadian people say, "Eh?" at the end of sentences, but less...language.

Aside from occasionally making a character incomprehensible, it doesn't add much to a game or anime. Ever. Though it may convince you to forcefully add a remote or Wii controller to your television screen.

In "Monster Hunter Tri," your tiny Shakalaka companion Cha-Cha has one such quirk. Instead of saying, "We just killed that monster," he may say something along the lines of, "We shaka-smacked that laka-loser." The only upside is that the game allows you to kick him. It doesn't make him stop, but I admit that it tends to make me feel better.

This same idea carries over in many animes, where it's apparently a law that at least one character must have cat ears and talk in an irritating voice. They must also randomly meow while talking. I assume these same laws are also responsible for half the people who flip onto television anime and leave six seconds later.

Maybe Japanese culture is big on being irritated - unfortunately, it doesn't carry over to Western societies.

Don't Fear the Remake

I've spent a lot of time hovering between "cautious optimism" and "wanting to write strongly-worded and somewhat immature letters to Nintendo" regarding their remake of "Goldeneye" for the Wii.

During my crazier 64-bit cartridge days, it was one of my favorite games. That's not saying much, as it was practically everyone's favorite. (For the record, I only think the "Beatles" were okay, though, so it evens that out.) What was impressive, however, is that it managed to be my favorite in spite of the fact that I don't even like first-person shooters. Then again, most shooting games don't give you the option of shooting thousands of Russian soldiers in the crotch and watching them dance.

The thought of a remake was initially bad news for me. Sure, I'd love a great new game to play. But remakes of any kind tend to range in quality somewhere in the range of "awful" to "Amy Winehouse."

After a lot of thinking, though, I realized that maybe that's the point - even if remakes suck, they can never take away the three years of fun I had misusing proximity mines so long ago.

Look at it this way. A lot of people thought the new "Godzilla" movie was terrible a while back. But consider what it was remaking. Was a poorly-dubbed monster tearing through cheap cardboard cutouts of buildings really all that amazing? I think the remake just pointed out flaws in the existing product - if you use an ugly model for a sculpture, your final product will look bad, too.

And, if nothing else (and I'm pretty sure there was nothing), that movie did have a "Taco Bell" tie-in when they introduced Gorditas, so humanity did okay on that one, I think.

The important thing to remember is that we tend to put our fondest memories on a pedestal. After a few years pass, we may even idealize them to the point that nothing could possibly compete. It's no surprise when, a little later, the remake...well, doesn't compete.

Even if this new Goldeneye isn't all its cracked up to be, I think I'm okay with it. If it's great, that's fine - judging from the reviews so far, it looks like it's at least worth a rental. Either way, it could never make me love the good old blow-to-clean cartridge version any less.

One way or another, I'll always have fond memories, and when the wind blows, I'll hear it say, "Big head mode. Big head mode..."

Monster Hunter: Downsides III

Of course, the main reason so few people become the things they want to be as children is that they have unrealistic goals.

But I think that was kind of the point. As an aspiring writer, I probably had the most grounded dream I’ve ever heard of, in that it’s a real job you could actually have. I’ve heard children talk about what they want to be when they grow up – wizards, superheroes, Hannah Montana, etc. – and they’re in for some big disappointments through the years. (That last group, especially.)

Childhood probably would have been a lot duller if it was just a bunch of us wanting to be contractors, cashiers and human resource directors.

For one, the playground wouldn’t have been all that fun. Imagine long games of haggling over estimates to upgrade pretend kitchens or scanning make-believe grocery items while making small talk. I’m not sure what games the aspiring human resources directors would have played. From what I’ve seen, their games would have mostly involved not calling me back about job offers.

Zing.

I’m sure that most of us won’t be what we wanted to be. But that’s okay. Because when you get right down to it, most of us were pretty stupid when we were children. I know my six-year-old self. He took dangerous dares involving gasoline and fire from his older brothers. He's probably the last person I’d be taking career advice from.

As we grow up, I think we learn a lot about the real world. And our job hopes are tempered with a healthy dose of reality. We suddenly learn that jobs aren’t about “fun” or “magic” or whatever else we originally thought. We realize any job is fine if they pay you a lot.

I admit it’s a lousy moral to the story, but yeah, I’d probably take a punch in the stomach every day at work for thirty dollars an hour.

And that nicely wraps up my week-long article spree about jobs.

(A Note about the Comic: Yes, that suit of armor is drawn to scale. I opted for the male version, which is slightly bigger and good for this joke. Though, it probably would have been just as funny to use the female armor – more or less a pink metal carnival prize bear. It’s ever more proof that the armor crafter in town secretly hates your character in Monster Hunter Tri.)

A Modern Day Fairytale

I'm glad this has never happened in real life.

Modern technology has allowed for any number of ways to meet a significant other. For example, I first started talking to my own girlfriend online. Nerds in this era should have no trouble finding someone to share long sessions of online video games with. Or kissing. Whatever, perv.

And yet, they still do.

Granted, I'm not saying all online contact is a great place to spark up a romantic meeting. I personally know of one guy in college who tried to hit on any girl he ever saw in a "Halo" game. We've since fallen out of touch, so I don't know if it ever worked. But even if he were married because of it, I'd be dreading having to explain that story to the grandkids.

"I'd just shot her in the head with a rocket. Then I told her an off-color joke about what else she could put in her face. And from there, well, it was just magic."

But it's sad, really. As connected as nerds are - many of them generally talking to the same people all around the world on forums and such every day - many of them are still alone. And while single people can just as happy as ones in couples, it's always nice to have a "player two."

Note to Everyone: Don't refer to your significant other as "player two." It causes them to hit you in the arm really hard.

Spring Forward, Nerd Back

Once again, it’s “nerd season.”

I appreciate Fall on a number of levels. Besides the obvious fact that it’s “cuddle weather” – the one time of the year where my girlfriend doesn’t burst into flames from overheating when I lay all over her – there’s a lot to enjoy. But it’s more for the things you can’t enjoy – namely, the outdoors – that it’s the nerdiest time of the year.

During the Spring and Summer, I feel a certain amount of guilt over spending entire days indoors. It seems like I should be out enjoying the warmth. Alas, my love of anime, video games and fantasy books generally has me avoiding the sunlight like I owe it money.

Starting sometime in October, the guilt is gone. It’s too cold and rainy to be outdoors. Assuming I did a lot of work throughout the rest of the year, it would practically be a holiday to me.

This season, the nerd gods have been especially kind. While there’s not a lot of new anime to enjoy, I have started playing “World of Warcraft” again. It was a bit of a learning curve to get back into, but after a week or two, I’ve gotten used to crawling into bed at 5am with no idea what happened to my entire night.

For the record, though, I wouldn’t recommend this unless the girlfriend you’re crawling into bed with is very accepting of your nerdery.

And if you don’t believe that Fall was designed for nerds, think about it. We get an extra hour of time at 2am. Sure, everyone can enjoy an extra hour, but what sort of people are actually going to be awake at that hour? That’s right. Nerds.

So to everyone else, go enjoy raking leaves and…um…watching leaves change color. (I don’t know what the rest of you actually do during Fall.) As for the nerds, it’s time to hunker down on a warm couch or desk chair and enjoy the vice of your choice:

-Anime: If you’re going to be stuck indoors for the next four to five months, this is the perfect time to watch the first third of the “Bleach” series. And here’s the sad thing. That’s only sort of a joke. That series is, like, four hundred episodes long.

-Video Games: They’re remaking “Goldeneye,” the best shooter of all time. Assuming it doesn’t suck, it will be the greatest thing since…well, the first time that game came out. And assuming it does suck, that’s plenty for you to complain about on assorted video game forums.

-Fantasy Books: Who knows? Christopher Paolini might actually finish his fourth book. If it comes out sometime soon, you can spend the rest of your Fall and Winter hearing him describe one scene.

Monster Hunter: Snuggling Benefits

People are superstitious - even in video games.

Granted, there's not a lot to be superstitious about in "Monster Hunter Tri." You can't really decide what shoe to put on first or anything. Most of the things that could be classified as "good luck charms" are actual charms that give real statistic boosts.

The one possible exception is your Piggie. As you might guess, Piggie is a pig. You can dress it up in a number of costumes and snuggle it before missions. Or not. I mean, if you want to get crappy items, you can just forgo it. That's really up to you.

I personally swear by snuggling Piggie before missions. For one, I think I've got some great drops as a result of snuggling that I wouldn't have otherwise. For another, it's snuggling. Why would I avoid that?

Of course, there are always naysayers. Many people claim that the Piggie-snuggling thing is just a wild rumor. They say there are no real statistics to back up the theory. Some say this disproves it. I think it just backs up the idea that math and snuggling don't mix.

Still, because I'm willing to meet people halfway, I suggest a minor change. Actually, as you can see from the comic, it's kind of a huge change. I'm willing to make the concession, though.

So...developers...get on that. Thanks.

Another Rare Adventure

Last time I got injured, it was while cooking. That made me feel like a bit of an idiot. Tonight, I proved that cooking isn't the simplest thing I can do and hurt myself.

Turns out, I can't even walk without serious injury.

While walking down the sidewalk earlier today, I lost my balance and fell over. Granted, there was a dog who got herself tangled in my legs, but that doesn't make it sound that much better. So I'm changing my story. Earlier tonight, I was hit by a car. With teeth. And it was on fire.

Luckily, there are no broken bones or anything. I just have a nasty scrape on both my knees and hands. And I also hit my jaw on the sidewalk. Somehow, I managed to involve that many parts of my body with the impact. The only way it could have been worse is if I'd also hit the back of my head, too.

Since then, I've been taking it easy and playing video games. Of course, it's always a great way to relax and unwind. But as my character was hit in the face with an axe and slowly regenerated by just standing there, I have to admit I was a little jealous. It must be nice to recover from any form of damage within a few minutes by sitting down and eating bread.

I'd probably trade being real for the ability to mend wounds without bandages and stinging pain from rubbing alcohol - reality is overrated anyway.

Miraculously, my jeans did behave much like video game armor. They mitigated a good amount of damage. Which is nice, but when you say it out loud, your girlfriend will roll her eyes at you and sigh.

Trust me.