While it has its drawbacks, insomnia is like an all-access pass to the best of the best infomercials on television. This roughly puts it on par with the worst of any other part of television, but it's tough to be picky when so little else is on. Here are a few things that I've seen lately that got me thinking.
1. How often does this come up?
When it comes to cooking, I know my way around grilling, baking, boiling, broiling, chopping, slicing and dicing. Yet, in five years, I’ve never once had to use a knife sharp enough to cut through a car door. Even assuming I might, what are the chances that – in the next five seconds – I would still need a knife sharp enough to cut bread?
2. Was the old way really so bad?
Some, if not most, of the products offered are actually just improvements over current tools. Sometimes they make old products better. Other times, I’m left wondering if the old versions were as bad as they made them out to be. I’m still skeptical of that commercial that claims fans that chop my air and blow it on me are unsettling. If that was enough to ruin my day, I think therapy would be a better way to spend my money than a new, quieter fan.
3. How is that spokesman so peppy at 4am?
I realize it must be exciting to show the world your new revolution in cheese grating technology. But take a breath and calm down. That punctuation at the end of your sentences is called a “period” – and yes, stopping there is traditionally not optional.
4. Who sits in those audiences?
This is one of those great mysteries. What’s the system for choosing these people? Or does someone just stand outside a studio and awkwardly proposition passersby? “Excuse me. How would you like to come inside this windowless building and clap while someone yells at you about sharp objects?”
My theory involves luring in elderly people on hot days with the promise of a chair and air conditioning.
5. How much is this stuff worth?
Value is king in infomercials, but I have no idea how anyone is making any money. They cut prices. They knock off payments. And next thing you know, they’re offering a second set for free. If your stuff is so valuable, why are you pawning it off like stolen property from the back of your van?
6. …And why would anyone need two, anyway?
The majority of products are marketed as “the only one you’ll ever need.” In many cases, having one of these products is more than you’ll ever need. Of course, you could always give one to a friend. But this also suggests people who buy memory foam mattresses for their cat have friends.
7. Why do you think children are this stupid?
Apparently, actual toys in stores weren’t enough. At some point, out-of-touch adults started marketing new craft-type projects to equally out-of-touch great aunts who know nothing about kids. Decorating their picture frames with bendable color twists isn’t nearly as fun as the kids in the commercial make it out to be. After all, those children are being paid.
I assure you – your children would much rather stare quietly at the wall or possibly even do some light stone quarrying.
8. What school did you say you went to?
There are obvious dangers in using inferior products. And while I’m willing to admit your old knives may not cut bread as well as your new ones, that’s where I draw the line. Instead of buying new cutlery, would you consider just not putting all your weight on the loaf and having a seizure?
And maybe all that fruit would fit in your old, small-mouthed juicer if you stopped trying to shove a banana in sideways.
9. Won’t I still need these things?
A good tactic to sell something is showing everything you already own that it can replace. To some extent, I believe it. Other times, I’m skeptical. Those new stackable storage bins look really nice and all, but I’m not sure I should “throw out my bulky, useless closets.”
10. Why is there always more?
At thirty minutes apiece, most infomercials aren’t too long. Still, why do I have to wait all the way until the end to hear how low they’re bringing the price down? If I’m the kind of person who desperately needs a “Shamwow” at 5am, do you really think I need a price cut and a second set for free?
I’m betting the people who consider spill emergencies like this at this hour of the morning probably don’t need the extra incentive to buy anything.
Do you have any favorites/pet peeves?
No comments:
Post a Comment