A reminder.

In case you're wondering why the updates aren't so common here these days, it's because we've moved on to our new digs at The Nerd Empire.

You should really check it out. It's basically everything you like about Better Left Unwritten, but much, much more. We've got more writers, daily updates and a really cool title banner. I'm just saying, that little nerd by the flags is adorable.

Go here to see it in all its nerdy glory: The Nerd Empire!

Updating goodness.

Well, I've basically fallen in love with the new site and how much extra stuff I can do when compared with this blog.

What that means is that Better Left Unwritten will essentially act as a temporary rerouting service. By February 1st (and probably earlier) all the content from here will be moved to The Nerd Empire. From today onward, all new updates will be showing up there, so I suggest you change your bookmarks accordingly. I'll still make a few more of these posts to catch the stragglers, though, just in case.

Go here:
www.thenerdempire.net

Enjoy it now. Thank me later. And happy nerding.

As promised...

As per our agreement, today is your sneak peak of The Nerd Empire and Ascension: Origins. Granted, it wasn't technically an agreement - it was more like me telling you what was going to happen. But by not refusing, I accept that as a form of you agreeing with me.

Since this gets you cool sneak peaks, I doubt you'll complain.

Of course, the site is in early beta. If any of your questions revolve around whether or not I'm going to change something, the answer is probably "yes." Except for the logo - that thing is sweet.

Hopefully you enjoy the look. And if it completely crashes out for some reason, let me know. It was fine when I went there, but I'm hoping it stays that way.

Now, on your way then - to The Nerd Empire.

I wouldn't mind some feedback - do share, if you have the time.

Waste of Time Awards - Best in Show

We've reached the final day of the awards, and that can mean only one thing - I'm out of tiny award statues with clocks on the top and I have to stiff the winner today.

I won't waste a lot of words introducing this one. As it is, the winner has already devoured a good chunk of my time in 2010. Hopefully, in 2011, I might be able to find more time to do actual productive things.

With how awesome "Monster Hunter Tri" is, though, it's not looking good.

Rather than reuse the same red curtain award backdrop I've been using the past three days, I thought I'd mix it up and just make an original comic based on the winner. So this is what you get. If it's not quite as epic as you think it should be, I suggest imagining a hardcore guitar solo playing in the second panel.

And with that, we wrap up a successful year of awards and a great 2010. Congratulations to the winners. (All both of them.)

But in letting go of the old, we also look forward to the new. Among them are two major events happening right on this blog (or linked to it by this blog, at least - we'll see) next week. On Monday, I plan to unveil the first installment of "Ascension: Origins" - "Cold Eyes." You'll also get your very first look at this site's big brother - "The Nerd Empire."

While I can't get into too many details right now, I can assure you that The Nerd Empire will be your one-stop shop for all things nerd. I'll also be expanding my staff to include new writers. And, by the way, if that's something that interests you, get in touch with me.

In any case, I'm literally so excited I could squeal, but that would be embarrassing, so I won't.

Waste of Time Awards - Alternative Media

In a third day of shocking results, someone is going to be walking home with two awards this year.

Seriously, how crazy has this all been? I bet you're all shocked out by now. Like, if you'd have had hiccups when these awards started, they'd be destroyed by now.

And the winner of Biggest Waste of Time in Alternative Media is "Fullmetal Alchemist." Yes, yes. I know what you're thinking. How can it win when it already won in Film and Television. Well, as luck would have it, that anime series is based on an even more excellent monthly manga series.

As much as I'd love to spread the awards around, there was no bigger waste of my time over the past year, urging me to check back for translated mangas over and over again. And even better, the series ended just around issue 100, long before I lost my interest. Yes, while "Bleach" had the enemy turning into a larva, a butterfly, then a guy with longer hair, then a weird-looking guy, Fullmetal Alchemist had the enemy turn from a guy to a monster to a god to dead. Very quickly, might I add.

Edward Elric will be going home clutching an award in both his real and mechanical arm this year.

(Note: That's probably why you shouldn't learn alchemy on an empty stomach.)

As alternative media is literally anything, I won't be ranking the rest of the top five. Instead, I'll just have them in no apparent order. If you need to assume one is better because it appears first, then go ahead, though.

Taco Bell Food - As much as I hate to admit it, I'm captivated by Taco Bell. I'm excited for new items. And I don't just wait - I literally go to their website a few times a week to get sneak peaks. With the addition of the Volcano items (again - this happened five years ago, too), I'd say they had a great year.

Caffeine - They say a candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. Well, not really. Because with caffeine, I burn three times longer and ten times brighter. Then...I crash and the analogy sort of falls apart. Unless candles start falling down and slurring after six hours, too.

"Penny Arcade" - In the world of nerds, these guys are essentially royalty. What nerd wouldn't like to sit around all day playing video games and writing about them? That wasn't rhetorical - if you know one, I'll need his name and address. They should be studied or something, because that's just weird.

"High School of the Dead" - This manga combines two of my favorite things. Zombies - check. More zombies - check. This is probably the one storyline set in high school that isn't boring. Think of it like "Dawson's Creek," except Dawson has a sawed-off shotgun.

And that concludes the three main categories of the Wasties. Tune in on Saturday for the "Best in Show." Who will win? The video game I show obvious favoritism for, or the series that's already won two awards? Who knows? I do.

If you want to know, you should check in tomorrow.

Waste of Time Awards - Film and Television

To continue our trend of shocking awards, the second day of the Wasties proves that a movie grossing several trillion dollars is no guarantee it will even end up on my top five.

Thanks to a money-grubbing "Special Edition," "Avatar" was in the running as a 2010 contender for Biggest Waste of Time in Film and Television. Thanks to a director more concerned with visual effects than substance, it also allowed it to be utterly terrible. In fact, given its long run-time and embarrassing writing, this year, it receives "honorable" mention as "Worst in Film and Television."

But no need to dwell on the negatives.

As for the actual winner, the best series of 2010 goes to "Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood." This anime - based on the original manga rather than cobbled together like the first series - was utterly amazing. With excellent characters, action and a plot-line that kept you guessing until the very end, it was everything an anime should be. And for non-anime folk, it's at least watchable.

Perhaps most impressive is the fact that it's only sixty-four episodes. This clocks in at about five hundred less than longer-running series like "Bleach," "Naruto" or "Inuyasha." Being able to stay awake through the entire run is a nice bonus.

It did, however, face some stiff competition:

2) "Family Guy: Something Something Something Dark Side" - As a "Star Wars" spoof, this technically qualifies as a nerd program. This was just a step from taking the first place spot. Pretty much one more good Meg joke would have done it.

And yes, "Family Guy: It's a Trap" was pretty good, but like "Return of the Jedi," it just didn't stack up to the second movie.

3) "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse" - Yes, I see some eye rolls at this one. Unfortunately, my hands were tied. As the only movie of the year that featured violent vampire wars, it was pretty much guaranteed an award. If you can point out another movie where an undead Civil War officer decapitates evil vampires alongside a pack of werewolves, please point it out.

4) "How to Train Your Dragon" - This one edged in at the last moment, since I went most of the year without seeing it. I was impressed with the continuing ability of animated films to not be overly-cutesy when they need to. Let's hope that in two or three years, there will be nothing in these movies for kids at all.

5) "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" - Overall, this was a pretty good movie - one I definitely recommend seeing. Bafflingly, Nicolas Cage didn't do the usual "Nicolas Cage' thing and muck up the movie. I would absolutely love seeing a sequel someday soon.

You may notice that the two big guns - "Avatar" and "Inception" - are absent from the list. What can I say? "Inception" was over-hyped to the point that it was essentially unwatchable. "Avatar" was under-written to the point where it was unwatchable. (Believe me - I tried.)

What do you think? I wouldn't be surprised if people second-guessed my choices. Then again, given how quickly people stopped talking about "Avatar," I wouldn't be surprised if people didn't.

Up next on Friday is the "Alternative Media Category."

Waste of Time Awards - Video Games

This award is only a day or so old now and we're already beginning with a shocking result - "World of Warcraft" did not win in the Video Games Category.

So who could have put up better numbers? Well, it was none other than the Wii's "Monster Hunter Tri." With 182 hours - more than a week's worth of continuous play, or 2% of all my time in 2010 - it was the Winner of Biggest Waste of Time in Video Games!

To accept this award will be Reia, the character I play:

This game got some big numbers with an early year release. But that's not all that carried it. It was a mix of fun and frustratingly hard gameplay that forced me to replay encounters again and again until I won.

And it was this same frustration that had me coming back to old encounters with better equipment just to kill the monsters again out of spite. I'll give Capcom credit for making the most infuriating game in exactly the right ways to be a replay goldmine. The difficulty was always exactly enough to keep me interested but never quite enough to remove the game disc and pump two rounds into it execution-style.

And, for those interested, here's how the contender's did.

2. "World of Warcraft" (PC) - A respectable 92 hours. Of course, many will point out that it may have won if "Cataclysm" were released earlier in the year. But winners don't need excuses to win - it's what separates the games that nibble on my free time and those that devour it.

3. "Super Smash Bros. Brawl" (Wii) - An impressive 84 hours - almost enough for the number two slot. Once again, lots of replay options gave both myself and Jess lots of reasons to come back to the ring. Sadly, we stopped once the only trophies left to win involved beating impossible challenges with 600 different characters...

4. "Katamari Damacy" (PS2) - A baffling 61 hours. This quirky game about rolling a sticky ball over objects to making an even larger ball somehow got played for over two full days. This is all the more surprising, given that the game's soundtrack is like the elevator music in Hell.

5. "Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn" (Wii) - Rounding out the top five, this game ate up 42 hours. This fun tactical RPG is probably one of the best (and only) on the Wii. Assuming I have a yen to play the super-bonus second play through with the secret ending, it might get a slot on this list next year.

How do you think this list matches up with your own? Please do tell. I'm guessing those with actual next-generation systems may have had varying mileage.

Stay tuned - up Wednesday is the "Film and Television Category."

1st Annual "Waste of Time" Awards!

As a fun treat for 2011, we've decided to recognize and honor those most nerdy of activities known for eating up every ounce of our free time. Just remember, though. When it comes to being a nerd, there's no such thing as a waste of time - only being dedicated.

There will be three major categories:

1) Video Games - Fairly self-explanatory. These are weighted by total time played. Whichever game was played the most this past year will be the winner.

2) Film and Television - Also fairly self-explanatory. The best and nerdiest movie or television show wins. Of course, those that were watched over and over will get some extra weighting. Basically, if I wore out the DVD, there's a good chance it will win.

3) Other Media - This is essentially anything nerdy that doesn't fall under the other categories. It could include visual media, other types of gaming and whatever else comes up. Sense random things will be competing, I have no objective way of scoring, but the best thing will win. Does that help?

This will be a week-long event, so check back frequently. A category will be decided on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And Saturday, each of the three winners will compete for Best of Show as "The Biggest Time Waster of 2010."

Honor and glory will, no doubt, ensue for the victor, while shame and humiliation await for "Jame's Cameron's Avatar." Er...the losers...whoever they may be.

So without further ado, welcome to the 2010 "Wasties." (Not quite as catchy as "Oscars," but it'll do.) Grab some popcorn. Get ready to second-guess the outcomes. And most of all, just have fun.

By the way, the Dorktionary is now up and running - so check that out, too.

Don't Overdo It...

For those of you who didn't get my clever allusion in the last post, I'll be clearer - I recently asked my girlfriend of three years to marry me.

...Yes, she said yes.

In the lead-up I had a number of really amazing ideas of exactly how to propose. Many of which were incredibly nerdy. The majority of these may have also made her consider her answer much more carefully. Mercifully, I went with the classic "on one knee, asking" tactic.

No doubt, many people think of this as a betrayal of nerd ideals. First off, I was in trouble for actually dating a girl. To not propose in an over-the-top nerdy way is essentially blasphemy.

But - lest we forget - here are a few ways of asking that didn't or wouldn't go so well:

1) Mario Hacking - Several people have hacked their old "Mario" games to show marriage proposals in coins or blocks. I've seen three outcomes. One went okay. Another, the girl got pissed. The third, most hilariously, ended with the girl not noticing. Obviously, not always the way to go.

2) Pac-Man Hacking - At least one person has hacked his old Atari "Pac-Man" cartridge to pop the question. The problem? He programmed it for level 100. His girlfriend couldn't get past 10. And the icing on the cake? After she was furious he kept pushing her to play, he tried himself and couldn't reach it either.

A failure as a boyfriend and as a nerd.

3) Online Marriage - A nerd inspired his girlfriend to play "World of Warcraft" for a month. This was all a setup to his character eventually kneeling and proposing to hers. Unless your girlfriend is ridiculously into the game, too, this isn't nearly as romantic as you think. Especially with the follow-up that they should be married on the bridge leading into Stormwind.

You know, the secret bridge leading into the most populated city in the game where nobody would ever wander through their ceremony and making a scene.

4) Nerd Comic - As per "Penny Arcade," at least one gamer has proposed through a comic. This is actually pretty cute, assuming your girlfriend enjoys public displays. It's also far cuter if she says yes - otherwise, that would be a pretty devastating way to display your shame forever.

5) All-out Fail - Particularly out-of-touch nerds may get the "clever" idea to dress up as their favorite character and propose that way. To my knowledge, this has never happened. Then again, if I dressed up like Inuyasha and was shot down, I doubt I'd be spreading word around either.

Assuming this ever happened, I'm sure this secret died with the nerd's hopes of marriage.

So, as you can see, romance and nerds don't always mix well. If you've got an idea to pop the question and it seems too nerdy, you may want to reconsider. Like a proposal at a sporting event, it's really best to consider what the girl would think instead of random people on online forums.

A good rule of thumb - if you'd need to beat a video game or watch an entire anime series to understand your proposal, it's not a great idea.

Monster Hunter - Resolutions

(Note: As Deviljho is enormous and very detailed, the picture had to be exceptionally large for this post.)

As the pictures are quite large already, I'll keep this fairly short.

Once again, it's a New Year. For many of us, that means making resolutions. For most of those people, it also means failing them.

But that's not my point today, so I won't digress.

Unlike people, video game characters are incapable of change. This means that whether they want to shed a little holiday weight, cut down on the gambling or just try something new everyday, they have to stay the same. To help, I've decided to write their resolutions for them.

Link (Legend of Zelda):
Consider a new wardrobe. And not just different colors. I mean, like, something non-tunic. I'd address the hoarding and thievery, but one step at a time, I suppose.

Kirby:
Eat less. Or throw up less. I'm willing to settle for either.

Sonic the Hedgehog:
It would probably be cute if I said something about slowing down and enjoying life, but really, I'd just like him to stop starring in games that suck.

All Cat People with Irritating Voices:
Die.

Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII):
Stop being such a wishy washy crybaby. Seriously. How can someone who carries such an enormous sword whine so much about having to fight?

Well, I think that pretty well covers it. As I was aiming at keeping this post short, I'll stop here. As I've also forgotten a few hundred video game characters, I might also come back to this in another column.

In other site news, I'll soon be adding a dedicated "Monster Hunter" section for their own comics. I've also received requests for a "Dorktionary" to clarify confusing nerd terms. As I didn't come up with the name for that and am furious that someone else gave me the idea, I'll say no more on it for now.

In other, other news, you might be amused if you check the staff page and read the adjusted titles under each of the staff member's names.

The Site-a-clysm is upon us...

For the new year, I decided to update a lot of stuff around here. Then some more stuff. Then...everything else.

As for why it's called the "Site-a-clysm," well, that's because I enjoy making puns based on popular online role-playing expansions. I think it's a nice title, given that pretty much everything here is changing. It's shouldn't be confused with the "Matt-a-clysm," the marathon episode of food poisoning and vomiting two days ago that delayed this update slightly.

There's lots of things you might want to check out. Among them are the new "Video Game Trailers" and "You Should be Watching" for this month. Joining them will be the new page, "You Should be Playing," which details a number of free online games worth a good play or two. You should find them quite enjoyable, except for their ability to ravage your free time.

Also keep an eye out for "Ascension: Origins," the upcoming comic series for this site. It's a fantasy and a bit of a departure from the usual comedic fare here, but it's still quite nerdy. Hopefully you enjoy it as much as our creative team here has enjoyed writing and drawing it.

Otherwise, yeah, look how wide this center column is. You see that? Pretty cool, eh?

So from all of us here (both of us - Shelby is visiting relatives), we hope you enjoy all that's in store for the new year. Happy New Year! And happy nerding in 2011!

Nerd's Guide to 2am

There are people out there who only see 2am as they turn over in bed during a good night's sleep - as a nerd, that kind of weirds me out.

I'm not sure if there was ever a point in my life when I went to bed early. My parents were never strict about bedtimes. This may have been because they trusted to me to make good decisions about sleep on my own. It may have also - and more likely - been because I went to sleep at 3am and still got good grades, so I was effectively untouchable. You'd have to ask them.

Either way, I quickly found that late night living suited my nerdy lifestyle very well. And judging by the odd spike this site usually gets in traffic between 11pm and 2am, I'm not alone. Or...there's a time zone thing.

As that second theory invalidates my entire point, I'll assume it's the first idea.

I'm assuming many of you already know the wonders of insomnia. (It helps to have a job that starts around noon, or it's far less fun.) For those who don't, though, there are a number of interesting things that happen early in the morning.

-They loop the programming on "Adult Swim." Most people know this. What they don't realize, though, is that due to sleep deprivation, everything gets a lot funnier. The anime that runs a second time is still interesting, and in many cases, it's suddenly a comedy.

Note: "King of the Hill," however, remains the exactly as unbearable the second time - go figure.

-Assuming sleeping people are nearby, anything on your television louder than a mouse clearing its throat sounds like a bomb going off.

-The good part of your video game comes right when you're just about to drop from exhaustion.

-If it's 5am and you're still up, consider hiding your phone. Because that inflatable knife set you thought looked ridiculous at 3am looks kind of tempting at 4am. And an hour later, you're wondering if you'll be okay with only one set.

-A wave of food commercials will hit the moment the last restaurant in your area closes.

Note: Beware this if you tend to be a late night eater. Similar to infomercials, that "disgusting" food looks pretty good at 3am. That "expired" food looks fairly edible at 4am. And that stuff you're "allergic to" is tender and juicy come 5am.

Monster Hunter - Christmas Wishes

(Note: No, there's nothing wrong with your eyes. The comics actually look different. They may seem more hand-drawn, which would be ideal, as they now are.

Or...there's something wrong with your eyes, in addition to this new change.)

By now, I'm sure everyone is basking in their hauls from Christmas. That is, assuming, you happen to celebrate this particular holiday. Or, at least, your friends do, and give you gifts against your will.

As a nerd, I've always found this to be a somewhat difficult holiday. Since most of my gifts are either obscure or related to confusing technology, I can't always expect others to get me the right things. Asking for a laptop with particular specifications is kind of like speaking to people in Korean.

Luckily, my girlfriend is fluent in nerdish - not only does she understand what I want, she can also explain it to her parents.

I won't bore you with my entire gift list, but I was very happy with everything I got. "Cataclysm," obviously, was awesome. I also got a lot of tasty treats. And, most importantly for the site, we also got a very high-quality scanner/printer so I can publish better and faster blog posts. Though, if I'm not mistaken, that gift might have been for Jess, and I just kind of stole it already.

...I'll have to look into that.

More on-topic, I was commissioned - or rather, asked nicely - to do a "Monster Hunter" Christmas comic. As I draw very little else, it seemed like a good idea. But I still get to seem generous, okay?

The comic does bring up valid questions. Assuming monsters were good, what would they be asking for? I'd imagine they'd have some interesting wish lists - in addition to the more obvious wish that random people stop killing them.

Great Jaggis would probably like some earplugs to block out the constant screeching from their entourage. Royal Ludroth might consider a turtleneck. Caedeus could use a beard-grooming kit. Gigginox, well, I really have no idea.

Hunters, clearly, don't need Christmas gifts - they just carve them off monsters.

Merry Christmas!

For Christmas this year, I thought I'd post in cliche:

'Twas the evening of Christmas and we all were sleeping,

To counteract the two days of huge overeating.

The stockings each look rather limp on the wall,

Now deprived of their filling - I got a huge haul.

Jess got me "Wacraft," as per my expectations,

Though I doubt she's considered the ramifications.

If you think of all of the time I'll be playing,

It's like buying her boyfriend a hooker - just saying.

As this rhyme scheme is quickly becoming a chore,

I think this is where I'll be cutting this short.

So I'll end with this message to nerds far and near:

"Merry Christmas to All...Cataclysm is here..."

Hopefully it was a good holiday for the rest of you. You'll have to let me know about all the fun stuff you got or consumed in bulk quantities. Until then, I think I've got another Christmas meal or two to make an appearance and lose my self-respect at, so I must be going.

Merry Christmas and Happy Nerding.

You Were Probably Happier Not Knowing...

Well, it’s finally happened – the blog has gotten 10,000 hits.

Of course, I’m very excited. In addition to being seen by thousands of people, my blog has been viewed in more than seventy-five different countries all around the world. As some of these countries have only two views, I’m not saying it’s popular, but it’s at least tolerated.

I’d like to claim that this overwhelming tide of support has been due to a universal love of all things nerdy. But I can’t. Apparently, I also owe a lot to a general ignorance on the topic of “birth control,” “hilarious birth control” and “birth control funny” – basically the top search terms leading to this site.

Don't believe me? Here's the analysis of the searches that lead to the site. I'll share them with you. Pay attention to the very top terms...and one near the bottom that's deeply, deeply disturbing.

At the very least, I know why this is such a popular blog on birth control – this entry here and this one here are to blame.

There are probably people who think I should be upset at the topics leading people here. But it’s not a good idea to look a gift horse in the mouth. Regardless of how stupid that saying is.

Perhaps more disturbing than the leading search terms are the ones that appeared only once or twice. "Cowboy bebop snuggie" is a bit out of left field. And I have a vague idea why “i feel like a monster” leads here, given all the “Monster Hunter” comics – that doesn’t make it any less weird, though.

If someone knows that guy, uh, could you give him a hug or something?

Anyway, it's a big milestone. But the rest of the staff and I are even more excited about what’s in store for the coming year. Among these things are more articles, more comics and lots of great recommendations about how to get the most out of your thick-rimmed black glasses.

We’re also very excited to announce a regular fantasy comic that will be introduced. And the comics will be getting a new, polished look, as I’m going to start hand-drawing them, scanning them and editing them on computer. The results, in all probability, will rock your socks off, regardless of fabric choice or length above the ankle.

No doubt, hand-drawing comics will make my life a lot easier and ensure much quicker posting. That’s the good news. The bad news is that hand-drawing on paper is, ironically, the single way I could take a step down from using “MS Paint” to publish comics.

Anyway, thanks for making the site such a big hit – and prepare your eyeballs for more to come.

Things I Already Know

As a proud member of the Digital Age, I can receive updates on world events the moment they happen. No matter what corner of the world something happens in, I'm right in the loop. But rest assured, as far as things I already know are concerned, I don't need to be reminded.

Two or three times a week, I'll see a story online about a research study. The details vary from story to story, but the outcome is the same. Any person with a fifth-grade education and half an ounce of common sense already knew the findings.

Which is all the worse when these studies cost millions upon millions of dollars.

What would be a better use of that money? Well...anything. Because I don't need ten million dollars to realize that "teenagers generally identify themselves as unhappy" or "overweight individuals report above-average low self-esteem." That's right up there with the headline "Pope mostly considers self Catholic."

In the same vein, I've been seeing a lot of "news" lately about "World of Warcraft: Cataclysm" that shouldn't really be news to anyone. When I saw it broke every sales record for the year, I wasn't shocked. When I heard there was a one-night boost to video game store sales, I kind of saw it coming.

A few days back, a particularly out-of-touch technology columnist made the bold prediction of saying, "Cataclysm very well may be the RPG hit of the holiday season."

It's risky going out on a limb like that for a game that sold about three million copies in one hour - I hope he keeps his job if he's wrong.

The point is, I'm starting to realize that in the Digital Age, I'm a bit too well-informed. I like to know exactly what's going on in the world at any time. But even in an Internet with unlimited space to store information, there's just no room for information I knew ten minutes post-womb.

And yes, that comic is accurate - everyone has "Cataclysm."

Monster Hunter: Cha-Cha Accessories

Have you ever heard of being alone in a crowded room? In my case, it's often being alone in a room full of millions of people. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm a bit notorious when it comes to my solo gaming habits. Though many games have online multi-player modes to enjoy, I generally prefer the offline version. In fact, even in games that have only an online version - such as "World of Warcraft" - I find it irritating to bump into other people.

By no means am I antisocial. But after five years of college and endless group work projects, along with a team-based work environment and a committed relationship, I've come to appreciate a little solitude here and there. It's not that I don't enjoy playing games with other people. For me, it's just a lot easier to unwind when the only person I can let down is myself.

In the case of "Monster Hunter Tri," I'm secretly convinced that I suck - a fact that the offline mode is much less likely to notice than a living, breathing person.

Ironically, there are people who are the exact opposite of me. They love the online multi-player. They love it so much, in fact, that they have things in the offline version that mimic other people. They invite non-existent people to play with them. Somehow, this seems insulting to schizophrenics, who don't have the option to turn these people off.

My experiences with these "fake people" has been...well, hilarious. I remember playing with "bots" in the original "Half-Life" who trash-talked as they shot at you. Playing capture the flag with fake humans who yell things at you that you pre-determine in the options menu is exactly as fun as it sounds.

They're something surreal about a computer program saying it slept with your mom last night after head-shotting you...because you programmed it to.

In Monster Hunter, Cha-Cha is the closest thing they have to a second player (assuming you have no one else at home to play with). As horrible as it would be, I'd like to see an option to customize his behavior to mimic a real person. The snobby high-rank player and hopeless low-level seem like good options.

They're apparently pretty popular gaming types, as they're the bulk of all complaints on the forums.

Tech Fails - "MyLife.com"

Now, I'm not normally one to talk about sad but trendy technology fads. Wait. Actually, come to think of it, that's all I do.

The latest piece of failure technology is "MyLife.com" and similar sites. Allegedly, the idea is that you go there and find out all the people from your past who've been looking for you. Who knows? Maybe that one guy you liked that one time but didn't like you has started to like you. And maybe he doesn't have Facebook to just find you the easy, normal way.

And romance ensues, or so people who dress up their cats are led to believe.

In reality, I'm not sold. Even if this product works exactly as advertised - and that's a big "if" - the entire idea is a little sad. There's a reason you left your old boyfriends and girlfriends. In all likelihood, this reason has no statute of limitations.

If they left you, you're probably better off. If you left them, of course they were pining after you. You don't need an online service to tell you these things. And you certainly don't need an online service to tell stalkers your associated addresses, which I've heard the site does.

Your nights will probably be a lot more pleasant without the thought that a guy you stood up ten years ago knows where you live.

Aside from all these negatives, think of the how this works. An old flame goes looking for you. You then join a site that tells you they were looking for you. How do you broach that conversation to them? "I see you were obsessing over me. Well, I was obsessing over you. Do you like coffee? Do you like awkwardness? Great. How's this Thursday?"

I think online dating can work. I do. But something about playing "stalker tag" doesn't exactly sound like a romance novel in the works. To sum up, if you'd hide the story of how you met someone from your grandchildren, it's probably not worth doing.

I realize it's a little one-sided to review the system without trying it. But I don't have to. Realizing people from my past were searching for me wouldn't make me happy. It would creep me out. And it would make me wonder why my stalkers weren't tech-saavy enough to use Facebook. And what they were dressing their cats like.

Of course, if the site has ever personally resulted in a long marriage and at least two and a half children for any of you, I'd be delighted to be proved wrong.

A Quick Announcement

Just to let everyone know, I've updated the video game trailers to include a few new games that should be rocking your faces off in the very near future.

I've also added a new monthly section of my recommendations of things to watch. There's some good watching to be had in December, so I suggest you check it out. Those wanting some good recommendations each month should come back periodically. The title will change from "December" to "January" when there's new information, so that will take out the guess work.

Anyway, it's all part of ramping up efforts on the site for the new year, so get ready. The awesomeness is coming. There will be no escape.

Missing Some Magic

I didn't think I've ever found caffeine as revolting as when it doesn't dance.

For the past month or so, I've been captivated by that dancing "Tassimo" robot. It dances and capers for you while preparing your coffee, and even asks what it can do for you. Every time I see our lazy motionless coffee maker sitting there, it makes me sick.

Despite my largely sedentary lifestyle, I'm surprisingly flamboyant, fun and prone to spurts of dancing. (Ask my girlfriend - or her therapist - to verify this.) But for whatever reason, when it came to furnishing my home, I decided to surround myself with cheap, non-dancing appliances. Go figure.

Granted, it's a gimmick. I know a dancing, talking coffee maker won't make my beverage taste better. I think my mornings are just missing a little magic that a polite capering robot could easily provide.

Worse still is that now I'm suddenly very aware of how motionless all my stuff is, and I hate it.

So, I'm left with two options. (This discounts the third option of "getting over it.") The first is to actually buy one, which would cost me several hundred dollars. The second - and this is the direction I'm leaning in thus far - is to find a way to make our current coffee maker dance. And, if there's time, I wouldn't hate it if he just did some general butler duties around the kitchen.

I'm not sure how exactly to go about the second option. Even if I could figure out some "Frosty the Snowman" magic hat situation to bring it to life, there are obvious faults with the plan. For one, giving my coffee maker life and free will sounds like the start of a robot killing spree movie.

For another, I'm not sure how much Christmas magic is around to spare, but I'm betting sad orphans probably get first dibs or something.