Manga Aversion: Length

As a public service, I’ve decided to address the issues that are causing most people to not love things like anime, manga or video games as much as I do. Today’s issue is the length of manga series. Or, to put it another way, why should I read “Bleach” if it probably won’t end before I die?

To be honest, I won’t defend the length. Many of the mangas I read are at about the 500 issue mark and show no signs of stopping. Ever.

What I would say is that length isn’t the problem as much as a few other things:

1) Mindset – As many manga are turned into anime, people expect them to end like all television shows. This is an expectation people don’t hold for American comics. And this is why “Superman” is going into what seems like his sixth century of publication and no one feels the same way.

2) Training Content – When you’re having fun, the time flies by. When you’re, say, training to learn a new technique instead of actually using it in battle, things slow to a crawl. “Training arcs,” or portions of the manga where the characters train to get stronger, take an agonizingly long time to resolve. As was established in “Rocky IV,” training is only interesting in musical montage form.

If it gets too tiresome to handle, I suggest doing what I do and listening to some “Queen” music during the training arcs – though, to be fair, this would improve almost anything.

3) Battle Content – Sadly, when people fight it’s not always better. This is because many manga fights can span ten issues or more. For example, the (possibly) final battle in “Bleach” involved dozens of underling fights before the ultimate bad guy transformed into a stronger form, second stronger form, a god, a butterfly (which totally isn’t a joke – go look if you don’t believe me), a god again and finally a very angry, slightly stronger god.

Obviously, some of the fights need to be pared down a bit – it would occasionally be refreshing to see a decapitation in the battle’s first panel to end things quickly and cleanly.

That’s how I see it anyway. While manga isn’t perfect by any means, I’d put it squarely on the corner of “it’s not as bad as you think” boulevard and “you’re not giving it a fair chance” lane. If you’re not familiar with the neighborhood, you can always “Mapquest” it to get the directions.

So if you’ve got a spare week or so, try reading a manga. The stories are actually quite good compared to a lot of the American comics. This is particularly true for “Marmaduke.” I get it. He’s a big dog. He eats things off the counter. Can we just get it over with?

Monster Hunter: Regional Differences

Like DVDs, video games have something like region codes. These prevent people in different countries from playing another region's version of the game. And unlike DVD region codes - which are meant to prevent piracy - video game regions are mostly meant as a way to show regional favoritism.

When I first browsed the weapons in Monster Hunter Tri, I was thrilled to see Tessaiga. With a little work, I could literally be killing monsters with Inuyasha's sword. Granted, it wouldn't have the awesome special attacks, but that didn't matter to me.

Mostly because I'd be yelling, "Wind Scar!" myself before every swing.

Unfortunately, only players in Japan get to use Tessaiga. I'd be forced to use the United States counterpart. I didn't bother looking up what that was, but I'm relatively sure it's not an awesome Inuyasha-related sword crafted from one of his father's fangs.

Heck - I'd even settle for Tensaiga, and all that would do is revive monsters I've already killed.

The point (if I haven't belabored it enough) is that regional differences in games aren't fair. I pay as much as they do in Japan. I should get access to culture-specific references that don't carry over to this country, too.

And yes, I'm aware I just defeated my own point with that last paragraph.

Video Game Pet Peeves

I've been playing video games since the Atari 2600. Graphically, things have improved quite a bit since then, but oddly enough, developers are still mucking up a lot of the same stuff, too. Over the past ten to fifteen years, here are the things that have been annoying me the most.

Developers, please take a memo on these and try to fix them before games hit the super-futuristic stage like in "Tron" - the only thing worse than sucking is being immersed in a 3D world of sucking.

1. Worthless Characters
In fighting games, a long character list means a good chance that one will match your fighting style. For example, is your style being slow and doing no damage at all? Then you should play as Peach in “Super Smash Bros. Brawl.” Luckily, you have the option of just avoiding her altogether, but they could have filled her spot with – I don’t know – a fighter or something. Zero Suit Samus might dress like a whore, but at least she kicks the butt to back it up.

More evidence Peach was worthless – her ultimate attack was to create fruit. It does exactly as much damage as you might guess. None.

2. Excessively Convoluted Plots
The “Metal Gear Solid” series is a lot of fun. Its plot is also so thick that I’m not sure whether I won or lost when I killed the last boss. I swear that storyline was so obtuse you’d need a PhD to sort it all out. At a certain point in games, I just want someone to be bad and have a sword or gun to kill him.

3. Convenient Item Locations
“The Legend of Zelda” games are famous for this. Why is it that there just so happens to be an ice wall six feet from the treasure chest with the Fire Wand to melt it? Just once, to mess with my head, I’d like to open that chest and find an Ice Wand in there.

4. Repetitive Sounds
Back in the land of 16-bit goodness, there was a little game called “Streets of Rage 3.” Whether or not the game was fun, I don’t recall. Mostly, my brothers and I just did the special attacks to hear an irritating symphony of grating, poorly-recorded voices yell, “Power up!” and “Bare knuckle!” I don’t think I could bring myself to beat that game until I just muted the television.

That game, however, does get bonus points for having a secret code to play as a fighting kangaroo. That’s not even a joke. Go look it up.

5. Limited Soundtrack
Similar to repeating sound effects was the game that only had one song – “Tetris.” Play all you want. Either way, there’s no way to finish that game or song. It just loops forever. In fact, I haven’t played that game in ten years and I can still hear it playing in my head.

6. Random Battles
Whether or not you realize it, any RPG you play only has about five hours of content. Why does it take fifty hours to beat, you ask? Random battles. Depending on the game, you’ll be fighting one somewhere between every two minutes and every two steps. It’s a nice way to extend the experience. It also ensures that, once you’ve taken down the final boss, you back your vehicle repeatedly over the game disc as an act of revenge.

7. Endless Identical Sequels
To me, a sequel advances an ongoing storyline. What I don’t want is a series of games that are pretty much the same, but I have to buy each one. “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai” or whatever was fine. There was no need for “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai 2” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi Tortellini.” You can add as many random incomprehensible words as you want to the end. You’re not going to make it any better – you’re just going to run out of room on the game box.

8. Revamping Old Characters
I realize that certain characters need to be updated with the times. But I think some characters should just be left alone. Did you know there’s a game coming out called “Epic Mickey?” The point is that it’s Mickey Mouse during his more rebellious days, running around and causing mischief. If nothing else, the game’s idiotic premise has saved me the trouble of needing to make an actual joke here.

9. Messing with a Working Formula
I played what seems like a few dozen “Sonic the Hedgehog” games when I was younger. It was usually as simple as holding the “right” button and jumping once or twice a level. That was fun for me. The latest games are in 3D and, although the high-speed formula worked for a decade, they’ve completely abandoned fast-paced action. For some reason, I picked up one where Sonic was holding a broadsword. Don’t like that? Well, in another one, you can turn into a werewolf. Is that better?

It worked before. Why change it? This would be like tomorrow deciding fire is a bad way to cook food and just switching to heating it by throwing it at the wall over and over.

10. Inappropriate Fun
Don’t get me wrong – fun is fun. But some games weren’t fun when played the way they were intended. I still remember that I only played hockey and football games for the off chance of giving someone a career-ending injury. And I’m not sure what the actual point was of “Pilotwings,” but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to plow my plane into the ground at the highest possible speed imaginable.

Then again, I don’t read instruction manuals, so you never know…

What are some of the things that irk you most about video games of the past or present?

Monster Hunter: Fun Trivia

When it comes to video games, I believe the best ones can be picked up and played without even reading the instruction manual. I used to think the manuals were a fun way to spend the agonizing ride home from the video game store. But now that I'm driving - and reading while at the wheel is a bit dangerous - the system has sort of broken down a bit.

Some months down the line, I consider myself reasonably well-versed in all things Monster Hunter Tri. Every now and then I'll still learn something, but I do okay. Many of the things I know now, I wish I could go back and teach myself. For example, if you really have to pee, there's a way to pause.

It's not necessary to finish an entire half-hour fight while doing the "bathroom dance."

Today's comic was meant to demonstrate a few lesser-known facts about the game. While trial and error is fine, I think it's best to skip it whenever possible. Neither "trial" nor "error" sounds all that pleasant, if you really think about it.

It's also worth mentioning that every lesson here is based on a true story from my own gameplay experience. This is all the more reason to share this information. There are better ways to learn about nasty Rhenoplos habits than being stepped on repeatedly during a fight.

What are some of your hard-learned lessons? I won't judge you. (I've done worse.) And if it's particularly funny, the lesson may even end up in a comic, too.

The Shyamalan Cycle

Long ago, I stopped being disappointed by M. Night Shyamalan movies - the trick was to stop seeing them.

A lot of my friends get excited every time one comes out. I don't blame them. A few years back, I was just like them. That was before I reached enlightenment in the Shyamalan Cycle - I was freed from the endless cycle of terrible movies and high expectations.

It's kind of like reincarnation, on a very superficial level that begs for little to no scrutiny.

Every time a movie comes out, I used to get all excited. I'd wonder what the twist ending might be. And shortly afterward, I'd leave the theater very disappointed. All the twist endings are pretty obvious midway through the opening credits. Either that, or they're so convoluted that no one had any chance of guessing in advance - even looking back, they're still incomprehensible.

Eventually, I realized that he only ever made one good movie - "The Sixth Sense." We were all very surprised by the ending. Since then, it's been failure after failure. But so many of us keep going back. It's like an abusive husband. Trust me - no matter how much he says he loves you, he's going to keep hitting you.

And I, Mr. Shyamalan, am too good for an abusive movie-going relationship with you. Your movies are disappointing. And your last name is so complex it looks wrong even when I looked it up twenty times.

Jerk.

Monster Hunter: The Honor System

Nothing takes the air out of a hunt faster than having that big red "Quest Failed" message pop onto your screen.

From a gameplay perspective, I get it. Having a time limit means more of a challenge. It prevents people from safely whittling down monster health over the course of several hours. In the game world, though, it seems arbitrary and stupid - it baffles me.

A lot of the quest orders mention a monster attacking a city, trade convoy or other important location. Of course, I understand that if your city is being terrorized, you want the monster killed. But why does the monster have to be dead in 50 minutes? What's happening in 51 minutes that's so damned important?

And it's not just the time limit. It's the precise time of 50 minutes. Why not a full hour? Why such an arbitrary amount of time? So...why not 52 minutes, or 46 minutes?

In happier news, as you may have noticed, this is a rare "nerding for the weekend" post. I'm happy to announce the blog has zoomed past 5000 views! And I do mean zoomed. Because in the amount of time between hitting the milestone and posting this, I'm already well over 5500 hits.

As always, I'd like to thank the fans. And it's not just because you read. But I'd also like to thank you all for being so good-looking, intelligent and good at sports.

Also, thanks for letting me suck up to you...

Creative license run amok...

If the previews for "The Social Network" movie are to believed, Mark Zuckerberg is the reincarnation of James Dean and Chuck Norris combined.

I have no doubt Zuckerberg has learned a bit of media savvy over the years. When you're head of a huge company like "Facebook," I'm sure you have to. But the thought that he was being a rebel from the get-go - and in the middle of disciplinary hearings - is taking it a bit too far. If I were in front of the Harvard disciplinary committee with charges of theft and breaking into their network, I'm at least sweating a bit. Chances are good I'm needing a change of underwear afterward.

I'm certainly not going to be rude and mocking the committee members during the questioning.

Facebook is an Empire - I'm not denying that. But I was there. Its formative years were nothing like what that movie make them out to be. Facebook is not a crime family. Its founder is certainly not the don. He's probably just a big as of a nerd as I am. I bet we'd even hang out.

For my part, I'm on Zuckerberg's side on this...to an extent. I agree with him in the sense that he probably wasn't as big of a jerk as they make him out to be. Then again, I also don't think he was partying like a rock star, getting groupies and having conversations with anyone who looked anything like Justin Timberlake.

Of course, I'm sure a movie about the real story would have been really dull. I'd much rather have seen a movie about the founding of "Myspace." It could have used the tag line: "You don't get to 50 million friends - and 750 million more fake accounts used to post pornographic photos and hit on girls (and guys) you don't know - without making a few enemies."

It's a bit wordy - I'll work on it.

Monster Hunter: Felyne Theft

For those unfamiliar with Monster Hunter Tri, Felynes are essentially cats that walk on their hind legs, yowl and steal your things. Basically, aside from walking on hind legs, they're like all cats. To sum up, I hate them.

Those familiar with the game are probably very familiar with these critters. (And not for pleasant reasons.) While they pose no danger to your actual life, they have the nasty habit of targeting you when you're doing something else. These tasks usually involve fighting fire-breathing lizards fifty times your size. This is pretty much the last time you want something diverting your attention.

It occurs to me, though, that I have no idea why they steal your things. Nothing I'm carrying ever seems like something a cat would really want. Aside from Felvine - the equivalent of very strong catnip - I doubt anything in my bag would get their interest.

Which leads me to the obvious conclusion - like all cats, Felynes are just jerks.

Me? I'm much more of a dog person. They're fun to play with, they snuggle you and their fur doesn't cause me to sneeze and turn red. They also care whether you live or die, which is a plus.

You'd probably think I'm getting off my main point. But that would also assume I really had a point. I guess the gist of it all is that I don't like cats much. Ones that steal my stuff - and throw bombs, which I forgot to mention earlier - endear themselves to me even less.

Though it is cool if you're carrying a torch - it makes them dance!

Cowboy Bebop: Five Minutes Later...

I guess you could say this should be tagged as a spoiler, but as no one actually knows how "Cowboy Bebop" ends, there's really not much to spoil, I suppose.

As anime goes, Bebop is pretty much the pinnacle achievement. Any conversation you've had with someone about good anime most likely mentioned it. In fact, only one I can think of didn't include it. And that doesn't count, since I was talking to a homeless man who accused me of stealing his thoughts at the time.

Since the series ended more than ten years ago, I don't feel all that bad talking about the ending. If you haven't seen it yet, go watch it now before reading any further. Overall, though, it's pretty much like "The Sixth Sense" - if you haven't seen it yet, you probably never will.

By the way, Bruce Willis is a ghost...or a superhero...or bad director. Sorry. I get my Shyamalan twist endings mixed up sometimes.

In any case, I think one of the enduring qualities of the show is that there was no definite ending. The main character, Spike, ends up falling after sustaining serious injuries. The audience is left to decide for themselves whether he got up later or not. In its way, it was a brilliant move by the writer. In another way, it makes me want to punch him in the stomach.

I suppose it's for the best. Some of the best discussion I've had online has been about the ending of the series. And while I've had my share of, "Spike died and you're a retarded gay jerk for thinking otherwise," I think the ending mostly created good discourse among anime fans.

Incidentally, I had to clean up the grammar of the above example argument. The people who make those statements usually don't spell that well. And they certainly don't use the word "otherwise."

As far as how it ended, I have no real opinion. But Spike - whether he lived or died - rocked my face off for twenty-six episodes and one movie. Well done, sir.

And...let the speculation begin. What do you think?

Monster Hunter: Armor Types

I'm willing to accept a certain amount of artistic flair when it comes to female armor, but even I have my limits.

This creates the obvious conflict of interests for me. As a guy, there's a certain appeal to scantily-clad women swinging large swords. As a realist, I also understand the very poor protection these armors would provide to the midriff area.

And back. And neck. And legs. And...well, so forth.

Still, the gender stereotypes are probably here to stay. Which sucks. Because in addition to girls being dressed like strippers in most suits of armor, I'm also not fond of playing as males - their armors tend to look more like small SUVs than outerwear. You'd think occasionally a light vest would be an option.

Some will be quick to tell me that I could just not play as girls in video games. But it goes back to the old adage: "If I'm going to stare at a character's back for five hours at a time, it might as well be a girl."

Jess probably doesn't mind, as she's dating a guy who notices weak points in female armor first.