Nerd's Guide to 2am

There are people out there who only see 2am as they turn over in bed during a good night's sleep - as a nerd, that kind of weirds me out.

I'm not sure if there was ever a point in my life when I went to bed early. My parents were never strict about bedtimes. This may have been because they trusted to me to make good decisions about sleep on my own. It may have also - and more likely - been because I went to sleep at 3am and still got good grades, so I was effectively untouchable. You'd have to ask them.

Either way, I quickly found that late night living suited my nerdy lifestyle very well. And judging by the odd spike this site usually gets in traffic between 11pm and 2am, I'm not alone. Or...there's a time zone thing.

As that second theory invalidates my entire point, I'll assume it's the first idea.

I'm assuming many of you already know the wonders of insomnia. (It helps to have a job that starts around noon, or it's far less fun.) For those who don't, though, there are a number of interesting things that happen early in the morning.

-They loop the programming on "Adult Swim." Most people know this. What they don't realize, though, is that due to sleep deprivation, everything gets a lot funnier. The anime that runs a second time is still interesting, and in many cases, it's suddenly a comedy.

Note: "King of the Hill," however, remains the exactly as unbearable the second time - go figure.

-Assuming sleeping people are nearby, anything on your television louder than a mouse clearing its throat sounds like a bomb going off.

-The good part of your video game comes right when you're just about to drop from exhaustion.

-If it's 5am and you're still up, consider hiding your phone. Because that inflatable knife set you thought looked ridiculous at 3am looks kind of tempting at 4am. And an hour later, you're wondering if you'll be okay with only one set.

-A wave of food commercials will hit the moment the last restaurant in your area closes.

Note: Beware this if you tend to be a late night eater. Similar to infomercials, that "disgusting" food looks pretty good at 3am. That "expired" food looks fairly edible at 4am. And that stuff you're "allergic to" is tender and juicy come 5am.

Monster Hunter - Christmas Wishes

(Note: No, there's nothing wrong with your eyes. The comics actually look different. They may seem more hand-drawn, which would be ideal, as they now are.

Or...there's something wrong with your eyes, in addition to this new change.)

By now, I'm sure everyone is basking in their hauls from Christmas. That is, assuming, you happen to celebrate this particular holiday. Or, at least, your friends do, and give you gifts against your will.

As a nerd, I've always found this to be a somewhat difficult holiday. Since most of my gifts are either obscure or related to confusing technology, I can't always expect others to get me the right things. Asking for a laptop with particular specifications is kind of like speaking to people in Korean.

Luckily, my girlfriend is fluent in nerdish - not only does she understand what I want, she can also explain it to her parents.

I won't bore you with my entire gift list, but I was very happy with everything I got. "Cataclysm," obviously, was awesome. I also got a lot of tasty treats. And, most importantly for the site, we also got a very high-quality scanner/printer so I can publish better and faster blog posts. Though, if I'm not mistaken, that gift might have been for Jess, and I just kind of stole it already.

...I'll have to look into that.

More on-topic, I was commissioned - or rather, asked nicely - to do a "Monster Hunter" Christmas comic. As I draw very little else, it seemed like a good idea. But I still get to seem generous, okay?

The comic does bring up valid questions. Assuming monsters were good, what would they be asking for? I'd imagine they'd have some interesting wish lists - in addition to the more obvious wish that random people stop killing them.

Great Jaggis would probably like some earplugs to block out the constant screeching from their entourage. Royal Ludroth might consider a turtleneck. Caedeus could use a beard-grooming kit. Gigginox, well, I really have no idea.

Hunters, clearly, don't need Christmas gifts - they just carve them off monsters.

Merry Christmas!

For Christmas this year, I thought I'd post in cliche:

'Twas the evening of Christmas and we all were sleeping,

To counteract the two days of huge overeating.

The stockings each look rather limp on the wall,

Now deprived of their filling - I got a huge haul.

Jess got me "Wacraft," as per my expectations,

Though I doubt she's considered the ramifications.

If you think of all of the time I'll be playing,

It's like buying her boyfriend a hooker - just saying.

As this rhyme scheme is quickly becoming a chore,

I think this is where I'll be cutting this short.

So I'll end with this message to nerds far and near:

"Merry Christmas to All...Cataclysm is here..."

Hopefully it was a good holiday for the rest of you. You'll have to let me know about all the fun stuff you got or consumed in bulk quantities. Until then, I think I've got another Christmas meal or two to make an appearance and lose my self-respect at, so I must be going.

Merry Christmas and Happy Nerding.

You Were Probably Happier Not Knowing...

Well, it’s finally happened – the blog has gotten 10,000 hits.

Of course, I’m very excited. In addition to being seen by thousands of people, my blog has been viewed in more than seventy-five different countries all around the world. As some of these countries have only two views, I’m not saying it’s popular, but it’s at least tolerated.

I’d like to claim that this overwhelming tide of support has been due to a universal love of all things nerdy. But I can’t. Apparently, I also owe a lot to a general ignorance on the topic of “birth control,” “hilarious birth control” and “birth control funny” – basically the top search terms leading to this site.

Don't believe me? Here's the analysis of the searches that lead to the site. I'll share them with you. Pay attention to the very top terms...and one near the bottom that's deeply, deeply disturbing.

At the very least, I know why this is such a popular blog on birth control – this entry here and this one here are to blame.

There are probably people who think I should be upset at the topics leading people here. But it’s not a good idea to look a gift horse in the mouth. Regardless of how stupid that saying is.

Perhaps more disturbing than the leading search terms are the ones that appeared only once or twice. "Cowboy bebop snuggie" is a bit out of left field. And I have a vague idea why “i feel like a monster” leads here, given all the “Monster Hunter” comics – that doesn’t make it any less weird, though.

If someone knows that guy, uh, could you give him a hug or something?

Anyway, it's a big milestone. But the rest of the staff and I are even more excited about what’s in store for the coming year. Among these things are more articles, more comics and lots of great recommendations about how to get the most out of your thick-rimmed black glasses.

We’re also very excited to announce a regular fantasy comic that will be introduced. And the comics will be getting a new, polished look, as I’m going to start hand-drawing them, scanning them and editing them on computer. The results, in all probability, will rock your socks off, regardless of fabric choice or length above the ankle.

No doubt, hand-drawing comics will make my life a lot easier and ensure much quicker posting. That’s the good news. The bad news is that hand-drawing on paper is, ironically, the single way I could take a step down from using “MS Paint” to publish comics.

Anyway, thanks for making the site such a big hit – and prepare your eyeballs for more to come.

Things I Already Know

As a proud member of the Digital Age, I can receive updates on world events the moment they happen. No matter what corner of the world something happens in, I'm right in the loop. But rest assured, as far as things I already know are concerned, I don't need to be reminded.

Two or three times a week, I'll see a story online about a research study. The details vary from story to story, but the outcome is the same. Any person with a fifth-grade education and half an ounce of common sense already knew the findings.

Which is all the worse when these studies cost millions upon millions of dollars.

What would be a better use of that money? Well...anything. Because I don't need ten million dollars to realize that "teenagers generally identify themselves as unhappy" or "overweight individuals report above-average low self-esteem." That's right up there with the headline "Pope mostly considers self Catholic."

In the same vein, I've been seeing a lot of "news" lately about "World of Warcraft: Cataclysm" that shouldn't really be news to anyone. When I saw it broke every sales record for the year, I wasn't shocked. When I heard there was a one-night boost to video game store sales, I kind of saw it coming.

A few days back, a particularly out-of-touch technology columnist made the bold prediction of saying, "Cataclysm very well may be the RPG hit of the holiday season."

It's risky going out on a limb like that for a game that sold about three million copies in one hour - I hope he keeps his job if he's wrong.

The point is, I'm starting to realize that in the Digital Age, I'm a bit too well-informed. I like to know exactly what's going on in the world at any time. But even in an Internet with unlimited space to store information, there's just no room for information I knew ten minutes post-womb.

And yes, that comic is accurate - everyone has "Cataclysm."

Monster Hunter: Cha-Cha Accessories

Have you ever heard of being alone in a crowded room? In my case, it's often being alone in a room full of millions of people. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm a bit notorious when it comes to my solo gaming habits. Though many games have online multi-player modes to enjoy, I generally prefer the offline version. In fact, even in games that have only an online version - such as "World of Warcraft" - I find it irritating to bump into other people.

By no means am I antisocial. But after five years of college and endless group work projects, along with a team-based work environment and a committed relationship, I've come to appreciate a little solitude here and there. It's not that I don't enjoy playing games with other people. For me, it's just a lot easier to unwind when the only person I can let down is myself.

In the case of "Monster Hunter Tri," I'm secretly convinced that I suck - a fact that the offline mode is much less likely to notice than a living, breathing person.

Ironically, there are people who are the exact opposite of me. They love the online multi-player. They love it so much, in fact, that they have things in the offline version that mimic other people. They invite non-existent people to play with them. Somehow, this seems insulting to schizophrenics, who don't have the option to turn these people off.

My experiences with these "fake people" has been...well, hilarious. I remember playing with "bots" in the original "Half-Life" who trash-talked as they shot at you. Playing capture the flag with fake humans who yell things at you that you pre-determine in the options menu is exactly as fun as it sounds.

They're something surreal about a computer program saying it slept with your mom last night after head-shotting you...because you programmed it to.

In Monster Hunter, Cha-Cha is the closest thing they have to a second player (assuming you have no one else at home to play with). As horrible as it would be, I'd like to see an option to customize his behavior to mimic a real person. The snobby high-rank player and hopeless low-level seem like good options.

They're apparently pretty popular gaming types, as they're the bulk of all complaints on the forums.

Tech Fails - "MyLife.com"

Now, I'm not normally one to talk about sad but trendy technology fads. Wait. Actually, come to think of it, that's all I do.

The latest piece of failure technology is "MyLife.com" and similar sites. Allegedly, the idea is that you go there and find out all the people from your past who've been looking for you. Who knows? Maybe that one guy you liked that one time but didn't like you has started to like you. And maybe he doesn't have Facebook to just find you the easy, normal way.

And romance ensues, or so people who dress up their cats are led to believe.

In reality, I'm not sold. Even if this product works exactly as advertised - and that's a big "if" - the entire idea is a little sad. There's a reason you left your old boyfriends and girlfriends. In all likelihood, this reason has no statute of limitations.

If they left you, you're probably better off. If you left them, of course they were pining after you. You don't need an online service to tell you these things. And you certainly don't need an online service to tell stalkers your associated addresses, which I've heard the site does.

Your nights will probably be a lot more pleasant without the thought that a guy you stood up ten years ago knows where you live.

Aside from all these negatives, think of the how this works. An old flame goes looking for you. You then join a site that tells you they were looking for you. How do you broach that conversation to them? "I see you were obsessing over me. Well, I was obsessing over you. Do you like coffee? Do you like awkwardness? Great. How's this Thursday?"

I think online dating can work. I do. But something about playing "stalker tag" doesn't exactly sound like a romance novel in the works. To sum up, if you'd hide the story of how you met someone from your grandchildren, it's probably not worth doing.

I realize it's a little one-sided to review the system without trying it. But I don't have to. Realizing people from my past were searching for me wouldn't make me happy. It would creep me out. And it would make me wonder why my stalkers weren't tech-saavy enough to use Facebook. And what they were dressing their cats like.

Of course, if the site has ever personally resulted in a long marriage and at least two and a half children for any of you, I'd be delighted to be proved wrong.

A Quick Announcement

Just to let everyone know, I've updated the video game trailers to include a few new games that should be rocking your faces off in the very near future.

I've also added a new monthly section of my recommendations of things to watch. There's some good watching to be had in December, so I suggest you check it out. Those wanting some good recommendations each month should come back periodically. The title will change from "December" to "January" when there's new information, so that will take out the guess work.

Anyway, it's all part of ramping up efforts on the site for the new year, so get ready. The awesomeness is coming. There will be no escape.

Missing Some Magic

I didn't think I've ever found caffeine as revolting as when it doesn't dance.

For the past month or so, I've been captivated by that dancing "Tassimo" robot. It dances and capers for you while preparing your coffee, and even asks what it can do for you. Every time I see our lazy motionless coffee maker sitting there, it makes me sick.

Despite my largely sedentary lifestyle, I'm surprisingly flamboyant, fun and prone to spurts of dancing. (Ask my girlfriend - or her therapist - to verify this.) But for whatever reason, when it came to furnishing my home, I decided to surround myself with cheap, non-dancing appliances. Go figure.

Granted, it's a gimmick. I know a dancing, talking coffee maker won't make my beverage taste better. I think my mornings are just missing a little magic that a polite capering robot could easily provide.

Worse still is that now I'm suddenly very aware of how motionless all my stuff is, and I hate it.

So, I'm left with two options. (This discounts the third option of "getting over it.") The first is to actually buy one, which would cost me several hundred dollars. The second - and this is the direction I'm leaning in thus far - is to find a way to make our current coffee maker dance. And, if there's time, I wouldn't hate it if he just did some general butler duties around the kitchen.

I'm not sure how exactly to go about the second option. Even if I could figure out some "Frosty the Snowman" magic hat situation to bring it to life, there are obvious faults with the plan. For one, giving my coffee maker life and free will sounds like the start of a robot killing spree movie.

For another, I'm not sure how much Christmas magic is around to spare, but I'm betting sad orphans probably get first dibs or something.

World of Warcraft: The Non-Expansionist Guide

My life situation - currently a divine mixture of responsibility and poverty - has made me decide to forgo the "Cataclysm" expansion of "World of Warcraft" for the time being.

As I assume I'm not the only one in this position, I decided to write briefly on how to cope with the change (or lack thereof). Hopefully, it will aid those without the ability to enjoy all the amazing new content available to others. Ideally, we'll all realize that even without the new races, new levels, new zones, new weapons and armor...hmmm. I think I forgot my original point somewhere in realizing all the stuff I can't have.

In that case, rather than writing about how to cope, I will simply go into the fetal position.

For those not in the know, expansion packs add a vast amount of new content onto existing games. In the case of online games, this creates a unique situation of having people playing alongside one another who have or don't have the expansion. There are "the haves" - those with access to the amazing new material. And there are those without - we will refer to them as "the forsaken."

Of course, those without the new expansion can still play. It would be unfair to cut them off, as they still pay a monthly fee. They simply won't be able to interact with any of the new content. Actually, they'll be able to look at it - just not touch it.

Which, come to think of it, kind of makes it even meaner.

A good analogy would be renting an apartment. One day, the landlord would explain that he's added a kitchen and that - for a one-time fee - you'll be allowed to use it as much as you like. Your roommates jump at the chance to experience the widely-anticipated refrigerator and microwave, whereas you decide to hold on to your money. Since you still pay rent, you get to live there. You just can't walk into that room or enjoy any of the things there.

Every day, your friends walk in and out of the new kitchen showing you all the cool things they can make there. Over time, they slowly leave you behind and spend all their time there. I'll end the analogy here, as in addition to being sad that I don't have "Cataclysm," I've also made myself very hungry.

I'm sure I'll eventually buy the expansion - it will just be very hard in the interim. Every moment I spend without the expansion is one where I don't have my new worgen character. The worgen are a race of shape-shifting creatures with the ability to shift between human and werewolf at will. I realize this doesn't make them sound like anything besides any other cliche werewolf, but I assure you that they're quite different. These ones talk in British accents.

Yeah. I know. It's going to be a long month.

Nerdsgiving 2010!

Nerdsgiving went off without a hitch again this year. It was a time of fun, festivity and tolerance towards niche entertainment media such as anime, manga and video games. Judging by the blank expressions of the people who just read this paragraph, I feel I should explain.

Although I suspect its origins are much earlier, my girlfriend and I recently started celebrating Nerdsgiving last year. It's the one time of the year where we come together to do overly nerdy activities, no matter how weird they may be. For example, last year we watched the entire anime series "Akikan." Besides the fact that it was only in English subtitles, the plot involved fighting girls who transformed to and from cans of soda by being kissed for the purposes of determining whether aluminum or steel cans were superior.

That's not even a joke. That's the real plot summary of that series. But it does nicely illustrate my point - no matter how nerdy the anime, nothing is off-limits on Nerdsgiving.

In my relationship, I feel it's good exercise in compromise. Even if there are occasional scuffles over what we're watching on television, there are times when you just have to give up the remote. In mixed nerd and normal couples, there has to be a decent balance between video games and "Say Yes to the Dress."

Though, for the record, having a "Say Yes to the Dress" RPG would make everyone a lot happier.

This year, Jess and I enjoyed a marathon of science fiction movies and more mainstream anime. My eyes were a bit too tired to be reading through English subtitles. Not to mention, I think I had a hope we could watch something weird enough to top "Akikan." Sadly, as far as I know, nothing exists.

In any case, I wanted to bring the holiday to everyone's attention. For those interested in partaking in the festivities next year, all you need is a little junk food and some anime to watch. It traditionally occurs the weekend after Thanksgiving. It may span one or more days, depending on your personal tolerance and sleeping habits (or lack thereof).

So have fun, and Happy Nerdsgiving!

Turkey-lagged.

I'm currently about neck-deep in turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy and any number of other delicious proteins and carbs that make you very sleepy - suffice it say, this will be quick.

I've recently been given a job. You probably won't hear much about it, as it isn't all that hilarious. But I thought it was worth sharing, as it means a few changes around here. At least for a few days, while I get things straightened up, my writing and drawing will be more erratic than usual.

Oh, and when I say erratic, I mean the schedule will be a bit random. I hadn't planned on just typing random words and letters. That would be too erratic.

In the meanwhile, I ask that you bear with the transition. I doubt it will be pleasant, but if we all pitch in around here, it should be painless. What I'm saying is, until I get used to work, I'll be expecting my readers to post articles and comics here for me.

Just kidding - I'll get on that shortly.

For those of you who simply can't wait, I suggest gorging on leftovers. It's all the fun of eating with the guarantee of sleep tacked onto the end. Because for Thanksgiving, if you're not exhausted after every meal, then you're probably not doing it right.

Sorry to the countries that don't really celebrate Thanksgiving. First off, I'm sorry to talk about such an inside cultural thing you might not get. And second, of course, well, I just think you're missing out. For that, I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

It's pretty much just eating - what country wouldn't love that?

Video Game Aversion: Language Quirks

This week, I thought I'd address an issue that's common (and irritating) in both anime and video games - people with pointless language quirks.

There's no real-world counterpart to this annoyance. But if it helps, imagine if people randomly interspersed semi-words into sentences like "nyah," "shaka," "laka," and other such nonsense. It's kind of like how Canadian people say, "Eh?" at the end of sentences, but less...language.

Aside from occasionally making a character incomprehensible, it doesn't add much to a game or anime. Ever. Though it may convince you to forcefully add a remote or Wii controller to your television screen.

In "Monster Hunter Tri," your tiny Shakalaka companion Cha-Cha has one such quirk. Instead of saying, "We just killed that monster," he may say something along the lines of, "We shaka-smacked that laka-loser." The only upside is that the game allows you to kick him. It doesn't make him stop, but I admit that it tends to make me feel better.

This same idea carries over in many animes, where it's apparently a law that at least one character must have cat ears and talk in an irritating voice. They must also randomly meow while talking. I assume these same laws are also responsible for half the people who flip onto television anime and leave six seconds later.

Maybe Japanese culture is big on being irritated - unfortunately, it doesn't carry over to Western societies.

Don't Fear the Remake

I've spent a lot of time hovering between "cautious optimism" and "wanting to write strongly-worded and somewhat immature letters to Nintendo" regarding their remake of "Goldeneye" for the Wii.

During my crazier 64-bit cartridge days, it was one of my favorite games. That's not saying much, as it was practically everyone's favorite. (For the record, I only think the "Beatles" were okay, though, so it evens that out.) What was impressive, however, is that it managed to be my favorite in spite of the fact that I don't even like first-person shooters. Then again, most shooting games don't give you the option of shooting thousands of Russian soldiers in the crotch and watching them dance.

The thought of a remake was initially bad news for me. Sure, I'd love a great new game to play. But remakes of any kind tend to range in quality somewhere in the range of "awful" to "Amy Winehouse."

After a lot of thinking, though, I realized that maybe that's the point - even if remakes suck, they can never take away the three years of fun I had misusing proximity mines so long ago.

Look at it this way. A lot of people thought the new "Godzilla" movie was terrible a while back. But consider what it was remaking. Was a poorly-dubbed monster tearing through cheap cardboard cutouts of buildings really all that amazing? I think the remake just pointed out flaws in the existing product - if you use an ugly model for a sculpture, your final product will look bad, too.

And, if nothing else (and I'm pretty sure there was nothing), that movie did have a "Taco Bell" tie-in when they introduced Gorditas, so humanity did okay on that one, I think.

The important thing to remember is that we tend to put our fondest memories on a pedestal. After a few years pass, we may even idealize them to the point that nothing could possibly compete. It's no surprise when, a little later, the remake...well, doesn't compete.

Even if this new Goldeneye isn't all its cracked up to be, I think I'm okay with it. If it's great, that's fine - judging from the reviews so far, it looks like it's at least worth a rental. Either way, it could never make me love the good old blow-to-clean cartridge version any less.

One way or another, I'll always have fond memories, and when the wind blows, I'll hear it say, "Big head mode. Big head mode..."

Tech Fails - The "Snuggie"

In an effort to reach a new segment of nerds, I’m going to occasionally do columns about technology. Of course, discussions of cameras, computer specifications and such would put the rest of you to sleep. So I’ve decided to only talk about idiotic technology.

Today’s topic – the “Snuggie.”

I realize I’m talking about this a little late. After all, these things have been around for two years or so and have already been mocked to death. All of that was fine for me. Then, the “Snuggie” went from “ironic purchase” to “popular” and I couldn’t stay silent any longer.

The basic concept of this invention – for the one guy who hasn’t heard of it – is that it’s a blanket you can wear. It allows you to stay warm while talking on the phone or doing the crossword puzzle. Why, according to the commercials, the savvy cultist could even wear their ceremonial robes in public at baseball games and other local sporting events.

With the “Snuggie,” you could finally warn the sinful masses that the end of the world was coming, all while staying warm and cozy.

And then, there was the “Pet Snuggie.” I’m not sure why animals with natural fur actually needed this. Which leads me to believe it was meant as a way to punish your pets. I mean, I think that’s what it was for – that’s why we got one for our dog.

Eventually, they started printing them in designer colors and with the logos of sports teams. People started buying them for friends non-ironically. This is about where hell froze over. Which may be a problem, unless they sell “Snuggies” there.

So let’s do the round-up…

Positives:
-It comes with a swing-out reading light, which is actually kind of cool if you’re easily amused, and I am.
-All the warmth of a 1/82nd inch thick blanket with no loss of arm motion.
-One step up from a surgical gown, I guess.

Negatives:
-Unless you want to take it off, get used to not going to the bathroom.
-There’s no way to secure the open back – standing, moving, leaning forward, breathing, etc. make it fall off.
-My girlfriend won’t share hers with me.

Monster Hunter: Downsides III

Of course, the main reason so few people become the things they want to be as children is that they have unrealistic goals.

But I think that was kind of the point. As an aspiring writer, I probably had the most grounded dream I’ve ever heard of, in that it’s a real job you could actually have. I’ve heard children talk about what they want to be when they grow up – wizards, superheroes, Hannah Montana, etc. – and they’re in for some big disappointments through the years. (That last group, especially.)

Childhood probably would have been a lot duller if it was just a bunch of us wanting to be contractors, cashiers and human resource directors.

For one, the playground wouldn’t have been all that fun. Imagine long games of haggling over estimates to upgrade pretend kitchens or scanning make-believe grocery items while making small talk. I’m not sure what games the aspiring human resources directors would have played. From what I’ve seen, their games would have mostly involved not calling me back about job offers.

Zing.

I’m sure that most of us won’t be what we wanted to be. But that’s okay. Because when you get right down to it, most of us were pretty stupid when we were children. I know my six-year-old self. He took dangerous dares involving gasoline and fire from his older brothers. He's probably the last person I’d be taking career advice from.

As we grow up, I think we learn a lot about the real world. And our job hopes are tempered with a healthy dose of reality. We suddenly learn that jobs aren’t about “fun” or “magic” or whatever else we originally thought. We realize any job is fine if they pay you a lot.

I admit it’s a lousy moral to the story, but yeah, I’d probably take a punch in the stomach every day at work for thirty dollars an hour.

And that nicely wraps up my week-long article spree about jobs.

(A Note about the Comic: Yes, that suit of armor is drawn to scale. I opted for the male version, which is slightly bigger and good for this joke. Though, it probably would have been just as funny to use the female armor – more or less a pink metal carnival prize bear. It’s ever more proof that the armor crafter in town secretly hates your character in Monster Hunter Tri.)

Monster Hunter: Downsides II

In other news, no, you wouldn't be good at that random job you saw in some random movie or video game.

There are times when I wish I hung around people who used more recreational drugs. While my overall stance on drugs is reasonably conservative, this is the point where I'm happy to bend. Mostly, I think if my friends used drugs, at least they'd have an excuse for half the stupid ideas that come out of their mouth.

I can't count the number of times I've heard someone point at a television screen and say, "Oh, I'd be so good at that." Generally, it's some absurd job, like a guy shooting zombies or something. As if someone could have natural talent in that.

Like, "Your verbal and mathematical skills are very low on your SAT's, but your zombie survival numbers really saved you."

The worst part is that a lot of these comments are self-disqualifying. I mean, I have no idea if you have any skill in being a special operations soldier or not. But judging by the fact that the friend who said this had been on the same forty inches of couch for the past ten hours - too lazy to even go to the bathroom - I'm pretty sure they'd at least fail the physical part of the exam.

A lot of these things seem like fun. Then again, anything is more fun when it only involves pressing six to ten buttons to make it happen. The real versions of being a soldier, assassin, race car driver and professional athlete involve quite a bit more...well, standing up and that other hard stuff.

Well, maybe not race car driver...

Monster Hunter: Downsides I

Note to Non-Hunters: In "Monster Hunter Tri," you cook raw meat to restore stamina. While doing so, inexplicably weird circus music plays. Anyone looking to make more than three pieces of cooked meat is bound to go insane listening to that tune over and over. If it also plays when hunters eat random meals at home, I have no doubt they'd hang themselves within a week. (Or at least get a lot of take-out.)

Now, on with the article.

When you were a kid, you probably had outlandish ideas for what you wanted to be as an adult. We all wanted to be astronauts, ninjas and all sorts of other random crap. Twenty years later, I can say that I'm thrilled I never became any of these things.

Eventually, the reality sets in that these jobs are terrible.

Assuming you could even find work as a ninja, assassin or something of the sort - and that's a big "if" - can you imagine a worse job? You'd be working every night. You'd never be able to sleep soundly. And everything you did would be kept a secret. This, I imagine, would be hell come time for a raise.

"I only get one percent?" you'd asked. "I killed a hundred men. I lived in the shadows. And I didn't even get a single vacation day!"

To which your boss would reply, "There's no proof you were involved in any of those assassinations. Also, I think you're stealing throwing stars from the supply closet."

And then you'd have to kill your boss - which means no reference for your next job.

My point is, so many of the jobs we thought would be cool probably have their share of negatives. Anything from superhero to vampire hunter would probably be a lot less fun to do than we'd think. Unfortunately, I doubt a lot of kids are reading this article, so I doubt I'll be helping anyone. Still, speaking from personal experience, I can definitely say I wish someone had been there to give me a reality check as a child.

Believe it or not, I wanted to be a writer. I know, right? A terrible fate, indeed...

Halloween

Hopefully everyone had a happy Halloween - for everyone else, you're pretty much the reason I wrote this article today.

Throughout my later years in high school and college, I noticed a disturbing trend. There was an increasing number of people who declared themselves "too old" for the holiday. I'm not sure what confuses me more - the idea that somehow you could be too old to have fun and eat candy, or the idea that people would voluntarily refuse these activities.

I realize that my mid-twenties may be a bit old to dress up and go door-to-door. (It's a gray area.) But the rest of Halloween is still pretty hard not to enjoy. It's literally the most fun you can have on a pagan holiday converted into a Catholic holiday by church officials hoping to draw in heathens.

Seriously - if you can think of a better example, please let me know.

The idea that some people try to outgrow it is just sad, really. And there's a lesson there. There's no need to rush adulthood. Between having kids and working, your childhood innocence will be gone soon enough. Hang onto whatever shreds of it you can.

Also, um, candy is delicious, so is there some reason you're trying to get away from it? I mean, Milk Duds are pretty disgusting. But anyone who can't enjoy Mr. Goodbar can't enjoy life.

And for anyone who still doesn't agree, at least try not to be such a downer and ruin my All Saint's Day, too.

A Modern Day Fairytale

I'm glad this has never happened in real life.

Modern technology has allowed for any number of ways to meet a significant other. For example, I first started talking to my own girlfriend online. Nerds in this era should have no trouble finding someone to share long sessions of online video games with. Or kissing. Whatever, perv.

And yet, they still do.

Granted, I'm not saying all online contact is a great place to spark up a romantic meeting. I personally know of one guy in college who tried to hit on any girl he ever saw in a "Halo" game. We've since fallen out of touch, so I don't know if it ever worked. But even if he were married because of it, I'd be dreading having to explain that story to the grandkids.

"I'd just shot her in the head with a rocket. Then I told her an off-color joke about what else she could put in her face. And from there, well, it was just magic."

But it's sad, really. As connected as nerds are - many of them generally talking to the same people all around the world on forums and such every day - many of them are still alone. And while single people can just as happy as ones in couples, it's always nice to have a "player two."

Note to Everyone: Don't refer to your significant other as "player two." It causes them to hit you in the arm really hard.

Spring Forward, Nerd Back

Once again, it’s “nerd season.”

I appreciate Fall on a number of levels. Besides the obvious fact that it’s “cuddle weather” – the one time of the year where my girlfriend doesn’t burst into flames from overheating when I lay all over her – there’s a lot to enjoy. But it’s more for the things you can’t enjoy – namely, the outdoors – that it’s the nerdiest time of the year.

During the Spring and Summer, I feel a certain amount of guilt over spending entire days indoors. It seems like I should be out enjoying the warmth. Alas, my love of anime, video games and fantasy books generally has me avoiding the sunlight like I owe it money.

Starting sometime in October, the guilt is gone. It’s too cold and rainy to be outdoors. Assuming I did a lot of work throughout the rest of the year, it would practically be a holiday to me.

This season, the nerd gods have been especially kind. While there’s not a lot of new anime to enjoy, I have started playing “World of Warcraft” again. It was a bit of a learning curve to get back into, but after a week or two, I’ve gotten used to crawling into bed at 5am with no idea what happened to my entire night.

For the record, though, I wouldn’t recommend this unless the girlfriend you’re crawling into bed with is very accepting of your nerdery.

And if you don’t believe that Fall was designed for nerds, think about it. We get an extra hour of time at 2am. Sure, everyone can enjoy an extra hour, but what sort of people are actually going to be awake at that hour? That’s right. Nerds.

So to everyone else, go enjoy raking leaves and…um…watching leaves change color. (I don’t know what the rest of you actually do during Fall.) As for the nerds, it’s time to hunker down on a warm couch or desk chair and enjoy the vice of your choice:

-Anime: If you’re going to be stuck indoors for the next four to five months, this is the perfect time to watch the first third of the “Bleach” series. And here’s the sad thing. That’s only sort of a joke. That series is, like, four hundred episodes long.

-Video Games: They’re remaking “Goldeneye,” the best shooter of all time. Assuming it doesn’t suck, it will be the greatest thing since…well, the first time that game came out. And assuming it does suck, that’s plenty for you to complain about on assorted video game forums.

-Fantasy Books: Who knows? Christopher Paolini might actually finish his fourth book. If it comes out sometime soon, you can spend the rest of your Fall and Winter hearing him describe one scene.

Dead Air

Television used to be much better.

This isn’t a commentary on the quality of actual shows these days. That’s not a battle I want to get involved in. As far as I’m concerned, shows are just as good as they were ten years ago. The only problem is that now, they’re much, much shorter.

Consider this. In any given half hour, I’m only watching twenty minutes of actual television. The rest is commercial time used by companies to make money. Perhaps they should check their mailbox, as I already send them a monthly check to pay for cable.

But that’s not the worst part. Even commercials can be amusing. I’ve noticed a nasty trend lately, though. The number of unwatchable commercials has increased dramatically from ten years ago. And when I say “unwatchable,” I of course mean “feminine hygiene” and “erectile dysfunction.”

Don’t get me wrong. These things are a necessary evil. I just don’t want to hear about them during "House." I don’t want to hear about “spotting” (which becomes worse once you learn what it is). Nor do I need to hear that Jimmy Johnson is still having sex despite the fact that he’s essentially a corpse (which becomes worse if you mentally picture it).

As you can see, I’m gender-neutral on the issue – both types of commercials disgust me.

Admittedly, the feminine commercials annoy me more. What group of girls really goes to a club to talk about their periods? I asked my girlfriend. This isn’t what girls are talking about in bars. In fact, many women couldn’t talk about their “flow” to a medical professional in a life or death situation.

I used to find it odd that no guys were ever in those commercials. After all, men are half of the birth control equation. But (as shown by the comic), this wouldn’t work out. The only thing worse than a guy saying periods were gross would be a guy calmly nodding along and laughing, like the conversation wasn’t his own personal version of Hell.

In my opinion, both types of commercials need to be taken off television. Though, I’d settle for one or the other. The way I see it, the commercials set an awkward double standard.

There may be no medical need for a monthly period, but there’s certainly no medical need for old men to be having sex, either.

Monster Hunter: Snuggling Benefits

People are superstitious - even in video games.

Granted, there's not a lot to be superstitious about in "Monster Hunter Tri." You can't really decide what shoe to put on first or anything. Most of the things that could be classified as "good luck charms" are actual charms that give real statistic boosts.

The one possible exception is your Piggie. As you might guess, Piggie is a pig. You can dress it up in a number of costumes and snuggle it before missions. Or not. I mean, if you want to get crappy items, you can just forgo it. That's really up to you.

I personally swear by snuggling Piggie before missions. For one, I think I've got some great drops as a result of snuggling that I wouldn't have otherwise. For another, it's snuggling. Why would I avoid that?

Of course, there are always naysayers. Many people claim that the Piggie-snuggling thing is just a wild rumor. They say there are no real statistics to back up the theory. Some say this disproves it. I think it just backs up the idea that math and snuggling don't mix.

Still, because I'm willing to meet people halfway, I suggest a minor change. Actually, as you can see from the comic, it's kind of a huge change. I'm willing to make the concession, though.

So...developers...get on that. Thanks.

Another Rare Adventure

Last time I got injured, it was while cooking. That made me feel like a bit of an idiot. Tonight, I proved that cooking isn't the simplest thing I can do and hurt myself.

Turns out, I can't even walk without serious injury.

While walking down the sidewalk earlier today, I lost my balance and fell over. Granted, there was a dog who got herself tangled in my legs, but that doesn't make it sound that much better. So I'm changing my story. Earlier tonight, I was hit by a car. With teeth. And it was on fire.

Luckily, there are no broken bones or anything. I just have a nasty scrape on both my knees and hands. And I also hit my jaw on the sidewalk. Somehow, I managed to involve that many parts of my body with the impact. The only way it could have been worse is if I'd also hit the back of my head, too.

Since then, I've been taking it easy and playing video games. Of course, it's always a great way to relax and unwind. But as my character was hit in the face with an axe and slowly regenerated by just standing there, I have to admit I was a little jealous. It must be nice to recover from any form of damage within a few minutes by sitting down and eating bread.

I'd probably trade being real for the ability to mend wounds without bandages and stinging pain from rubbing alcohol - reality is overrated anyway.

Miraculously, my jeans did behave much like video game armor. They mitigated a good amount of damage. Which is nice, but when you say it out loud, your girlfriend will roll her eyes at you and sigh.

Trust me.

World of Warcraft: Trial Un-Separation

I’ve recently been toying with the possibility of playing “World of Warcraft” again.

Since I couldn’t justify shelling out a lot of money for something I may not really like anymore, I decided to play the free ten-day trial. So far, my reviews are mixed. Let’s just say that I’m glad it’s free, because I’m not sure I’d pay to be killed and humped by other players.

I’ll imagine many of you have no idea what I’m talking about, so I’ll go back a bit.

There are three main ways to play World of Warcraft. These are PvE, PvP and RP. In “Player versus Environment,” you fight only the enemies in the game. In “Player versus Player,” you are repeatedly killed by angry nerds who then pretend to hump your corpse with their character.

You can die in PvE or PvP just as easily – the only real difference is what happens to your body afterward.

Of course, the third type is “Role Playing.” And while I like a lot of role playing games, it tends to be a bit much for even me. You can only hear so many stories from player characters named Raif Darkblood about their fathers dying in the last war and how they’re trying to restore their family honor. I swear – everyone I ever spoke to had that same back story.

After a few negative experiences this time around, I switched to Player versus Environment. It’s the best way to make sure you spend most of your playtime actually playing the game. I have surprisingly little tolerance for meaningless back stories and endless corpse-humping.

It’s actually been fun this time around. Surprisingly, there are a lot of things to enjoy outside of those little annoyances. I think I could definitely see myself playing again. Though, unlike in my college days, I may try to keep it under twelve hours a day.

I seem to recall the negative physical consequences of sleeping a combined fifteen hours my entire last year of college…

Monster Hunter: Mysteries

If swords in video games get any bigger, I'm going to start having trouble seeing my character.

I realize it's somewhat hypocritical. After all, one of my favorite games ever is "Final Fantasy VII." But the characters carrying ridiculously large swords there were also genetically modified to have superhuman strength. Also, that game had magic, so that can be used as an excuse for anything.

In Monster Hunter Tri, the one thing they get right is the consequences of swinging a huge sword. If you don't hit your target, it will bury itself in a small crater in the ground. You can then struggle to lift it out...probably after being beat around by monsters for a minute or two.

And for the record, that character in the comic could have just as well been a male. Male or female, I don't think anyone could lug around sharpened metal clubs the size of another human being. The only people who could do that are those strongmen who can throw compact cars behind them into a third-story window. Those guys are ridiculous.

Ironically, being a strongman would explain why character is flexing so much...

Personally, I'd like to see a return to reality in video game weaponry. I mean, short of realizing swords can't cut through plate armor. Otherwise, games would completely suck.

But things aren't likely to change soon. After all, gigantic swords are as much a staple of the modern RPG as random encounters. Which brings me to my follow-up point - when you're getting rid of unrealistically huge swords, also ditch the random fights.

Oh, and cliche cat-eared characters who say "nya" at the end of each sentence can go away, too.

Adventures in Retail

The other day, as I was checking out at “Dollar General,” I was a bit surprised. Instead of the usual small talk at the register, the cashier sneered, looked at my sweat pants and said, “Wow. Sweatpants. Thanks for trying to impress me.”

Suddenly, the backlog of comebacks that rushed into the back of my brain jammed up together and I had a stroke.

There are ever so many things wrong with what the cashier said to me, I was very sad that I’d only be able to make one snarky remark back. Luckily, I blog. The remarks I didn’t make can be included here. It’s the insulter’s equivalent of feeling better by writing about a bad day in your journal.

First off, let’s be realistic. I was shopping at Dollar General. Thoughts of impressing people obviously didn’t enter into this business transaction on any level.

Don’t believe me? Think of it this way. Is there any sentence that begins with, “I wanted to impress someone, so I went to Dollar General and…”? No. And there never will be.

Secondly, this woman was a cashier. Not to be mean to cashiers, but I don’t make wardrobe decisions with the conscious effort to impress them. If there’s some benefit to wearing a tuxedo and really impressing someone who scans my purchases – such as really fast check-out – at this point, I think I’ll forgo it for the ease and comfort of sweatpants.

Thirdly, why was it any of her business? Are sweatpants really so offensive for a quick purchase? If I got dressed up every time I went out for a bottle of soda…well, I wouldn’t go out as often, because I’m lazy.

Fourthly (or, actually, back to the first point again), let’s be more realistic. I was shopping at Dollar General. Is a well-groomed man wearing sweatpants really the worst thing that’s walked through those doors? I think not.

Lastly (and the remark I actually said), was this. “You’ve got an eye for detail.” Now, that might not seem like a great insult, but you have to consider the context. Five seconds before I walked up to her, a father (I assume) was chewing out his son and ex-wife about her new husband. As icing on the socially inappropriate cake, he left the store cursing after cuffing his child on the back of the head and telling him not to talk to “that man who’s not your real father.”

And this is where you walked in – this is the point where I get scolded for how I dressed.

That’s kind of like being distracted from an exploding bomb by someone making popping sounds with their cheeks.

Manga Aversion: Length

As a public service, I’ve decided to address the issues that are causing most people to not love things like anime, manga or video games as much as I do. Today’s issue is the length of manga series. Or, to put it another way, why should I read “Bleach” if it probably won’t end before I die?

To be honest, I won’t defend the length. Many of the mangas I read are at about the 500 issue mark and show no signs of stopping. Ever.

What I would say is that length isn’t the problem as much as a few other things:

1) Mindset – As many manga are turned into anime, people expect them to end like all television shows. This is an expectation people don’t hold for American comics. And this is why “Superman” is going into what seems like his sixth century of publication and no one feels the same way.

2) Training Content – When you’re having fun, the time flies by. When you’re, say, training to learn a new technique instead of actually using it in battle, things slow to a crawl. “Training arcs,” or portions of the manga where the characters train to get stronger, take an agonizingly long time to resolve. As was established in “Rocky IV,” training is only interesting in musical montage form.

If it gets too tiresome to handle, I suggest doing what I do and listening to some “Queen” music during the training arcs – though, to be fair, this would improve almost anything.

3) Battle Content – Sadly, when people fight it’s not always better. This is because many manga fights can span ten issues or more. For example, the (possibly) final battle in “Bleach” involved dozens of underling fights before the ultimate bad guy transformed into a stronger form, second stronger form, a god, a butterfly (which totally isn’t a joke – go look if you don’t believe me), a god again and finally a very angry, slightly stronger god.

Obviously, some of the fights need to be pared down a bit – it would occasionally be refreshing to see a decapitation in the battle’s first panel to end things quickly and cleanly.

That’s how I see it anyway. While manga isn’t perfect by any means, I’d put it squarely on the corner of “it’s not as bad as you think” boulevard and “you’re not giving it a fair chance” lane. If you’re not familiar with the neighborhood, you can always “Mapquest” it to get the directions.

So if you’ve got a spare week or so, try reading a manga. The stories are actually quite good compared to a lot of the American comics. This is particularly true for “Marmaduke.” I get it. He’s a big dog. He eats things off the counter. Can we just get it over with?

Monster Hunter: Regional Differences

Like DVDs, video games have something like region codes. These prevent people in different countries from playing another region's version of the game. And unlike DVD region codes - which are meant to prevent piracy - video game regions are mostly meant as a way to show regional favoritism.

When I first browsed the weapons in Monster Hunter Tri, I was thrilled to see Tessaiga. With a little work, I could literally be killing monsters with Inuyasha's sword. Granted, it wouldn't have the awesome special attacks, but that didn't matter to me.

Mostly because I'd be yelling, "Wind Scar!" myself before every swing.

Unfortunately, only players in Japan get to use Tessaiga. I'd be forced to use the United States counterpart. I didn't bother looking up what that was, but I'm relatively sure it's not an awesome Inuyasha-related sword crafted from one of his father's fangs.

Heck - I'd even settle for Tensaiga, and all that would do is revive monsters I've already killed.

The point (if I haven't belabored it enough) is that regional differences in games aren't fair. I pay as much as they do in Japan. I should get access to culture-specific references that don't carry over to this country, too.

And yes, I'm aware I just defeated my own point with that last paragraph.

Video Game Pet Peeves

I've been playing video games since the Atari 2600. Graphically, things have improved quite a bit since then, but oddly enough, developers are still mucking up a lot of the same stuff, too. Over the past ten to fifteen years, here are the things that have been annoying me the most.

Developers, please take a memo on these and try to fix them before games hit the super-futuristic stage like in "Tron" - the only thing worse than sucking is being immersed in a 3D world of sucking.

1. Worthless Characters
In fighting games, a long character list means a good chance that one will match your fighting style. For example, is your style being slow and doing no damage at all? Then you should play as Peach in “Super Smash Bros. Brawl.” Luckily, you have the option of just avoiding her altogether, but they could have filled her spot with – I don’t know – a fighter or something. Zero Suit Samus might dress like a whore, but at least she kicks the butt to back it up.

More evidence Peach was worthless – her ultimate attack was to create fruit. It does exactly as much damage as you might guess. None.

2. Excessively Convoluted Plots
The “Metal Gear Solid” series is a lot of fun. Its plot is also so thick that I’m not sure whether I won or lost when I killed the last boss. I swear that storyline was so obtuse you’d need a PhD to sort it all out. At a certain point in games, I just want someone to be bad and have a sword or gun to kill him.

3. Convenient Item Locations
“The Legend of Zelda” games are famous for this. Why is it that there just so happens to be an ice wall six feet from the treasure chest with the Fire Wand to melt it? Just once, to mess with my head, I’d like to open that chest and find an Ice Wand in there.

4. Repetitive Sounds
Back in the land of 16-bit goodness, there was a little game called “Streets of Rage 3.” Whether or not the game was fun, I don’t recall. Mostly, my brothers and I just did the special attacks to hear an irritating symphony of grating, poorly-recorded voices yell, “Power up!” and “Bare knuckle!” I don’t think I could bring myself to beat that game until I just muted the television.

That game, however, does get bonus points for having a secret code to play as a fighting kangaroo. That’s not even a joke. Go look it up.

5. Limited Soundtrack
Similar to repeating sound effects was the game that only had one song – “Tetris.” Play all you want. Either way, there’s no way to finish that game or song. It just loops forever. In fact, I haven’t played that game in ten years and I can still hear it playing in my head.

6. Random Battles
Whether or not you realize it, any RPG you play only has about five hours of content. Why does it take fifty hours to beat, you ask? Random battles. Depending on the game, you’ll be fighting one somewhere between every two minutes and every two steps. It’s a nice way to extend the experience. It also ensures that, once you’ve taken down the final boss, you back your vehicle repeatedly over the game disc as an act of revenge.

7. Endless Identical Sequels
To me, a sequel advances an ongoing storyline. What I don’t want is a series of games that are pretty much the same, but I have to buy each one. “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai” or whatever was fine. There was no need for “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai 2” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi Tortellini.” You can add as many random incomprehensible words as you want to the end. You’re not going to make it any better – you’re just going to run out of room on the game box.

8. Revamping Old Characters
I realize that certain characters need to be updated with the times. But I think some characters should just be left alone. Did you know there’s a game coming out called “Epic Mickey?” The point is that it’s Mickey Mouse during his more rebellious days, running around and causing mischief. If nothing else, the game’s idiotic premise has saved me the trouble of needing to make an actual joke here.

9. Messing with a Working Formula
I played what seems like a few dozen “Sonic the Hedgehog” games when I was younger. It was usually as simple as holding the “right” button and jumping once or twice a level. That was fun for me. The latest games are in 3D and, although the high-speed formula worked for a decade, they’ve completely abandoned fast-paced action. For some reason, I picked up one where Sonic was holding a broadsword. Don’t like that? Well, in another one, you can turn into a werewolf. Is that better?

It worked before. Why change it? This would be like tomorrow deciding fire is a bad way to cook food and just switching to heating it by throwing it at the wall over and over.

10. Inappropriate Fun
Don’t get me wrong – fun is fun. But some games weren’t fun when played the way they were intended. I still remember that I only played hockey and football games for the off chance of giving someone a career-ending injury. And I’m not sure what the actual point was of “Pilotwings,” but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to plow my plane into the ground at the highest possible speed imaginable.

Then again, I don’t read instruction manuals, so you never know…

What are some of the things that irk you most about video games of the past or present?

Monster Hunter: Fun Trivia

When it comes to video games, I believe the best ones can be picked up and played without even reading the instruction manual. I used to think the manuals were a fun way to spend the agonizing ride home from the video game store. But now that I'm driving - and reading while at the wheel is a bit dangerous - the system has sort of broken down a bit.

Some months down the line, I consider myself reasonably well-versed in all things Monster Hunter Tri. Every now and then I'll still learn something, but I do okay. Many of the things I know now, I wish I could go back and teach myself. For example, if you really have to pee, there's a way to pause.

It's not necessary to finish an entire half-hour fight while doing the "bathroom dance."

Today's comic was meant to demonstrate a few lesser-known facts about the game. While trial and error is fine, I think it's best to skip it whenever possible. Neither "trial" nor "error" sounds all that pleasant, if you really think about it.

It's also worth mentioning that every lesson here is based on a true story from my own gameplay experience. This is all the more reason to share this information. There are better ways to learn about nasty Rhenoplos habits than being stepped on repeatedly during a fight.

What are some of your hard-learned lessons? I won't judge you. (I've done worse.) And if it's particularly funny, the lesson may even end up in a comic, too.

The Shyamalan Cycle

Long ago, I stopped being disappointed by M. Night Shyamalan movies - the trick was to stop seeing them.

A lot of my friends get excited every time one comes out. I don't blame them. A few years back, I was just like them. That was before I reached enlightenment in the Shyamalan Cycle - I was freed from the endless cycle of terrible movies and high expectations.

It's kind of like reincarnation, on a very superficial level that begs for little to no scrutiny.

Every time a movie comes out, I used to get all excited. I'd wonder what the twist ending might be. And shortly afterward, I'd leave the theater very disappointed. All the twist endings are pretty obvious midway through the opening credits. Either that, or they're so convoluted that no one had any chance of guessing in advance - even looking back, they're still incomprehensible.

Eventually, I realized that he only ever made one good movie - "The Sixth Sense." We were all very surprised by the ending. Since then, it's been failure after failure. But so many of us keep going back. It's like an abusive husband. Trust me - no matter how much he says he loves you, he's going to keep hitting you.

And I, Mr. Shyamalan, am too good for an abusive movie-going relationship with you. Your movies are disappointing. And your last name is so complex it looks wrong even when I looked it up twenty times.

Jerk.

Monster Hunter: The Honor System

Nothing takes the air out of a hunt faster than having that big red "Quest Failed" message pop onto your screen.

From a gameplay perspective, I get it. Having a time limit means more of a challenge. It prevents people from safely whittling down monster health over the course of several hours. In the game world, though, it seems arbitrary and stupid - it baffles me.

A lot of the quest orders mention a monster attacking a city, trade convoy or other important location. Of course, I understand that if your city is being terrorized, you want the monster killed. But why does the monster have to be dead in 50 minutes? What's happening in 51 minutes that's so damned important?

And it's not just the time limit. It's the precise time of 50 minutes. Why not a full hour? Why such an arbitrary amount of time? So...why not 52 minutes, or 46 minutes?

In happier news, as you may have noticed, this is a rare "nerding for the weekend" post. I'm happy to announce the blog has zoomed past 5000 views! And I do mean zoomed. Because in the amount of time between hitting the milestone and posting this, I'm already well over 5500 hits.

As always, I'd like to thank the fans. And it's not just because you read. But I'd also like to thank you all for being so good-looking, intelligent and good at sports.

Also, thanks for letting me suck up to you...

Creative license run amok...

If the previews for "The Social Network" movie are to believed, Mark Zuckerberg is the reincarnation of James Dean and Chuck Norris combined.

I have no doubt Zuckerberg has learned a bit of media savvy over the years. When you're head of a huge company like "Facebook," I'm sure you have to. But the thought that he was being a rebel from the get-go - and in the middle of disciplinary hearings - is taking it a bit too far. If I were in front of the Harvard disciplinary committee with charges of theft and breaking into their network, I'm at least sweating a bit. Chances are good I'm needing a change of underwear afterward.

I'm certainly not going to be rude and mocking the committee members during the questioning.

Facebook is an Empire - I'm not denying that. But I was there. Its formative years were nothing like what that movie make them out to be. Facebook is not a crime family. Its founder is certainly not the don. He's probably just a big as of a nerd as I am. I bet we'd even hang out.

For my part, I'm on Zuckerberg's side on this...to an extent. I agree with him in the sense that he probably wasn't as big of a jerk as they make him out to be. Then again, I also don't think he was partying like a rock star, getting groupies and having conversations with anyone who looked anything like Justin Timberlake.

Of course, I'm sure a movie about the real story would have been really dull. I'd much rather have seen a movie about the founding of "Myspace." It could have used the tag line: "You don't get to 50 million friends - and 750 million more fake accounts used to post pornographic photos and hit on girls (and guys) you don't know - without making a few enemies."

It's a bit wordy - I'll work on it.

Monster Hunter: Felyne Theft

For those unfamiliar with Monster Hunter Tri, Felynes are essentially cats that walk on their hind legs, yowl and steal your things. Basically, aside from walking on hind legs, they're like all cats. To sum up, I hate them.

Those familiar with the game are probably very familiar with these critters. (And not for pleasant reasons.) While they pose no danger to your actual life, they have the nasty habit of targeting you when you're doing something else. These tasks usually involve fighting fire-breathing lizards fifty times your size. This is pretty much the last time you want something diverting your attention.

It occurs to me, though, that I have no idea why they steal your things. Nothing I'm carrying ever seems like something a cat would really want. Aside from Felvine - the equivalent of very strong catnip - I doubt anything in my bag would get their interest.

Which leads me to the obvious conclusion - like all cats, Felynes are just jerks.

Me? I'm much more of a dog person. They're fun to play with, they snuggle you and their fur doesn't cause me to sneeze and turn red. They also care whether you live or die, which is a plus.

You'd probably think I'm getting off my main point. But that would also assume I really had a point. I guess the gist of it all is that I don't like cats much. Ones that steal my stuff - and throw bombs, which I forgot to mention earlier - endear themselves to me even less.

Though it is cool if you're carrying a torch - it makes them dance!

Cowboy Bebop: Five Minutes Later...

I guess you could say this should be tagged as a spoiler, but as no one actually knows how "Cowboy Bebop" ends, there's really not much to spoil, I suppose.

As anime goes, Bebop is pretty much the pinnacle achievement. Any conversation you've had with someone about good anime most likely mentioned it. In fact, only one I can think of didn't include it. And that doesn't count, since I was talking to a homeless man who accused me of stealing his thoughts at the time.

Since the series ended more than ten years ago, I don't feel all that bad talking about the ending. If you haven't seen it yet, go watch it now before reading any further. Overall, though, it's pretty much like "The Sixth Sense" - if you haven't seen it yet, you probably never will.

By the way, Bruce Willis is a ghost...or a superhero...or bad director. Sorry. I get my Shyamalan twist endings mixed up sometimes.

In any case, I think one of the enduring qualities of the show is that there was no definite ending. The main character, Spike, ends up falling after sustaining serious injuries. The audience is left to decide for themselves whether he got up later or not. In its way, it was a brilliant move by the writer. In another way, it makes me want to punch him in the stomach.

I suppose it's for the best. Some of the best discussion I've had online has been about the ending of the series. And while I've had my share of, "Spike died and you're a retarded gay jerk for thinking otherwise," I think the ending mostly created good discourse among anime fans.

Incidentally, I had to clean up the grammar of the above example argument. The people who make those statements usually don't spell that well. And they certainly don't use the word "otherwise."

As far as how it ended, I have no real opinion. But Spike - whether he lived or died - rocked my face off for twenty-six episodes and one movie. Well done, sir.

And...let the speculation begin. What do you think?

Monster Hunter: Armor Types

I'm willing to accept a certain amount of artistic flair when it comes to female armor, but even I have my limits.

This creates the obvious conflict of interests for me. As a guy, there's a certain appeal to scantily-clad women swinging large swords. As a realist, I also understand the very poor protection these armors would provide to the midriff area.

And back. And neck. And legs. And...well, so forth.

Still, the gender stereotypes are probably here to stay. Which sucks. Because in addition to girls being dressed like strippers in most suits of armor, I'm also not fond of playing as males - their armors tend to look more like small SUVs than outerwear. You'd think occasionally a light vest would be an option.

Some will be quick to tell me that I could just not play as girls in video games. But it goes back to the old adage: "If I'm going to stare at a character's back for five hours at a time, it might as well be a girl."

Jess probably doesn't mind, as she's dating a guy who notices weak points in female armor first.

Video Game Lessons: Theft

We learn quite a few lessons from playing video games - almost all of them horrible.

Among these lessons is the surprisingly vague concept of "ownership." In the real world, people own things in their homes. In video games, homes are just storage places to keep the hero's loot.

In a lot of cases, it's "no harm - no foul." There's nothing wrong with picking a loose herb or two off the ground. After all, no one was using it anyway. But the line gets iffy when you start looting graves. And the lesson gets worse when you realize all the coolest equipment is from the oldest and most sacred graves.

Things only get worse in towns. Sure, the hero will occasionally buy something and support the local economy. For the most part, though, it's just a matter of wandering through people's unlocked homes (which is already trespassing) to find stuff you want. In life or death situations, you might argue the end justifies the means, but still.

Link was a particularly bad offender. Not only did he steal stuff, but a lot of it was right in sight of the homeowners. And, in the worst cases, he'll steal their stuff, hold it above his head so everyone can see it and then have musical fanfare playing. That's theft with a touchdown dance at the end.

I'm not really sure what to make of "Resident Evil" games. I mean, it's a zombie disaster and whoever is still living deserves the guns and stuff. Then again, how carefully do you really check to see if there are still survivors? If it were me, I'd just be finding stuff I wanted in houses and taking it. Because I seriously think your high-end DVD player is a key for a puzzle. Somewhere. Probably.

Then again, if there's a zombie disaster, I'm probably locking myself in the bathroom and pointing a shotgun at the door for a week - I might be a bit too timid for looting.

What do you think - is video game "looting" right or wrong?

Splitting Hairs

I've been seeing a lot of commercials lately for new razors. I don't know the specifics. But apparently, my old razor (which was made by the same company, mind you) causes irritating "tug and pull." This is odd, because a year ago, my old razor was the pinnacle of human advancement.

I realize technology improves over time. I also realize that things often aren't as bad as companies make them out to be. If I believed what the commercials were saying, I've spent the past three years dragging a damp cat across my face.

Which is a vast improvement over five years ago, when "Gillette" says I was shaving with a handful of jagged glass and sharp rocks.

But there's just as much problem with the new models. How much better can shaving really get? Those blades are already half the thickness of a strand of DNA. Any thinner, and my stubble will be cutting through it instead of the other way around.

I'm not sold. And I'd advise you to not believe the hype either. No matter what the commercials claim, I highly doubt their new razor is like splashing a handful of rainbows on my face and hugging a unicorn.

Nor would I want it to be - weren't men supposed to be...manly?

Monster Hunter: Flexing History

It's probably no secret I love Monster Hunter Tri - it's not perfect, though.

If I had to point out one problem with the game, it would probably be the lack of urgency your hunter seems to display. Being attacked by a gigantic monster elicits a certain response. Be it swinging a sword, healing or screaming like a little girl, I'd be doing them all at a frantic pace. Trust me.

Your hunter, however, prefers to lazily do everything. They casually sip on a healing Potion as though they were at a wine tasting. And to make matters worse - and I'm not joking about this - they then flex for a solid three seconds in place.

I have no idea why this is in the game, aside from artificially creating difficulty. But if you're like almost every person I've spoken to about it who plays, you probably find it terribly annoying. Of course, there are armor skills that allow you to consume Potions more quickly and without the irritating pause at the end to allow a monster to clobber you. Then again, why should the common sense not to leave myself wide open to attack every time I heal be a skill in-game?

That's why I used the Potion in the first place. I wanted more health. Not less.

Monster Hunter: Difficulty Changes

Video game difficulty can be tricky. If you make it too easy, people will be breezing through it in under two hours and be bored. If you make it too hard, it will be that "Indiana Jones" game for the Atari that was pretty much unbeatable without the reflexes of a demigod.

"Monster Hunter Tri" has the balance fairly well, though it's not always consistent. The first few things you fight, for example, are a joke. By the end, though, you'll be frantically trying to avoid two-hit kills from super-powered monsters that are so large and powerful they affect local weather.

In short, we need some tweaks. Hard.

Great Jaggi and Gobul need to be harder. And Melynxes need to start randomly stealing my items. I'm sick of them targeting the best thing in my inventory to swipe every single time. I realize there's not much incentive for them to steal my least cool things, but still - they could meet me halfway on this. Despite them focusing on me during every battle, I've yet to actually attack one. Why do they hate me so?

And yes, I picked on the Great Jaggi again - that guy is ripe for comedy.