Nerdsgiving 2010!

Nerdsgiving went off without a hitch again this year. It was a time of fun, festivity and tolerance towards niche entertainment media such as anime, manga and video games. Judging by the blank expressions of the people who just read this paragraph, I feel I should explain.

Although I suspect its origins are much earlier, my girlfriend and I recently started celebrating Nerdsgiving last year. It's the one time of the year where we come together to do overly nerdy activities, no matter how weird they may be. For example, last year we watched the entire anime series "Akikan." Besides the fact that it was only in English subtitles, the plot involved fighting girls who transformed to and from cans of soda by being kissed for the purposes of determining whether aluminum or steel cans were superior.

That's not even a joke. That's the real plot summary of that series. But it does nicely illustrate my point - no matter how nerdy the anime, nothing is off-limits on Nerdsgiving.

In my relationship, I feel it's good exercise in compromise. Even if there are occasional scuffles over what we're watching on television, there are times when you just have to give up the remote. In mixed nerd and normal couples, there has to be a decent balance between video games and "Say Yes to the Dress."

Though, for the record, having a "Say Yes to the Dress" RPG would make everyone a lot happier.

This year, Jess and I enjoyed a marathon of science fiction movies and more mainstream anime. My eyes were a bit too tired to be reading through English subtitles. Not to mention, I think I had a hope we could watch something weird enough to top "Akikan." Sadly, as far as I know, nothing exists.

In any case, I wanted to bring the holiday to everyone's attention. For those interested in partaking in the festivities next year, all you need is a little junk food and some anime to watch. It traditionally occurs the weekend after Thanksgiving. It may span one or more days, depending on your personal tolerance and sleeping habits (or lack thereof).

So have fun, and Happy Nerdsgiving!

Turkey-lagged.

I'm currently about neck-deep in turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy and any number of other delicious proteins and carbs that make you very sleepy - suffice it say, this will be quick.

I've recently been given a job. You probably won't hear much about it, as it isn't all that hilarious. But I thought it was worth sharing, as it means a few changes around here. At least for a few days, while I get things straightened up, my writing and drawing will be more erratic than usual.

Oh, and when I say erratic, I mean the schedule will be a bit random. I hadn't planned on just typing random words and letters. That would be too erratic.

In the meanwhile, I ask that you bear with the transition. I doubt it will be pleasant, but if we all pitch in around here, it should be painless. What I'm saying is, until I get used to work, I'll be expecting my readers to post articles and comics here for me.

Just kidding - I'll get on that shortly.

For those of you who simply can't wait, I suggest gorging on leftovers. It's all the fun of eating with the guarantee of sleep tacked onto the end. Because for Thanksgiving, if you're not exhausted after every meal, then you're probably not doing it right.

Sorry to the countries that don't really celebrate Thanksgiving. First off, I'm sorry to talk about such an inside cultural thing you might not get. And second, of course, well, I just think you're missing out. For that, I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

It's pretty much just eating - what country wouldn't love that?

Video Game Aversion: Language Quirks

This week, I thought I'd address an issue that's common (and irritating) in both anime and video games - people with pointless language quirks.

There's no real-world counterpart to this annoyance. But if it helps, imagine if people randomly interspersed semi-words into sentences like "nyah," "shaka," "laka," and other such nonsense. It's kind of like how Canadian people say, "Eh?" at the end of sentences, but less...language.

Aside from occasionally making a character incomprehensible, it doesn't add much to a game or anime. Ever. Though it may convince you to forcefully add a remote or Wii controller to your television screen.

In "Monster Hunter Tri," your tiny Shakalaka companion Cha-Cha has one such quirk. Instead of saying, "We just killed that monster," he may say something along the lines of, "We shaka-smacked that laka-loser." The only upside is that the game allows you to kick him. It doesn't make him stop, but I admit that it tends to make me feel better.

This same idea carries over in many animes, where it's apparently a law that at least one character must have cat ears and talk in an irritating voice. They must also randomly meow while talking. I assume these same laws are also responsible for half the people who flip onto television anime and leave six seconds later.

Maybe Japanese culture is big on being irritated - unfortunately, it doesn't carry over to Western societies.

Don't Fear the Remake

I've spent a lot of time hovering between "cautious optimism" and "wanting to write strongly-worded and somewhat immature letters to Nintendo" regarding their remake of "Goldeneye" for the Wii.

During my crazier 64-bit cartridge days, it was one of my favorite games. That's not saying much, as it was practically everyone's favorite. (For the record, I only think the "Beatles" were okay, though, so it evens that out.) What was impressive, however, is that it managed to be my favorite in spite of the fact that I don't even like first-person shooters. Then again, most shooting games don't give you the option of shooting thousands of Russian soldiers in the crotch and watching them dance.

The thought of a remake was initially bad news for me. Sure, I'd love a great new game to play. But remakes of any kind tend to range in quality somewhere in the range of "awful" to "Amy Winehouse."

After a lot of thinking, though, I realized that maybe that's the point - even if remakes suck, they can never take away the three years of fun I had misusing proximity mines so long ago.

Look at it this way. A lot of people thought the new "Godzilla" movie was terrible a while back. But consider what it was remaking. Was a poorly-dubbed monster tearing through cheap cardboard cutouts of buildings really all that amazing? I think the remake just pointed out flaws in the existing product - if you use an ugly model for a sculpture, your final product will look bad, too.

And, if nothing else (and I'm pretty sure there was nothing), that movie did have a "Taco Bell" tie-in when they introduced Gorditas, so humanity did okay on that one, I think.

The important thing to remember is that we tend to put our fondest memories on a pedestal. After a few years pass, we may even idealize them to the point that nothing could possibly compete. It's no surprise when, a little later, the remake...well, doesn't compete.

Even if this new Goldeneye isn't all its cracked up to be, I think I'm okay with it. If it's great, that's fine - judging from the reviews so far, it looks like it's at least worth a rental. Either way, it could never make me love the good old blow-to-clean cartridge version any less.

One way or another, I'll always have fond memories, and when the wind blows, I'll hear it say, "Big head mode. Big head mode..."

Tech Fails - The "Snuggie"

In an effort to reach a new segment of nerds, I’m going to occasionally do columns about technology. Of course, discussions of cameras, computer specifications and such would put the rest of you to sleep. So I’ve decided to only talk about idiotic technology.

Today’s topic – the “Snuggie.”

I realize I’m talking about this a little late. After all, these things have been around for two years or so and have already been mocked to death. All of that was fine for me. Then, the “Snuggie” went from “ironic purchase” to “popular” and I couldn’t stay silent any longer.

The basic concept of this invention – for the one guy who hasn’t heard of it – is that it’s a blanket you can wear. It allows you to stay warm while talking on the phone or doing the crossword puzzle. Why, according to the commercials, the savvy cultist could even wear their ceremonial robes in public at baseball games and other local sporting events.

With the “Snuggie,” you could finally warn the sinful masses that the end of the world was coming, all while staying warm and cozy.

And then, there was the “Pet Snuggie.” I’m not sure why animals with natural fur actually needed this. Which leads me to believe it was meant as a way to punish your pets. I mean, I think that’s what it was for – that’s why we got one for our dog.

Eventually, they started printing them in designer colors and with the logos of sports teams. People started buying them for friends non-ironically. This is about where hell froze over. Which may be a problem, unless they sell “Snuggies” there.

So let’s do the round-up…

Positives:
-It comes with a swing-out reading light, which is actually kind of cool if you’re easily amused, and I am.
-All the warmth of a 1/82nd inch thick blanket with no loss of arm motion.
-One step up from a surgical gown, I guess.

Negatives:
-Unless you want to take it off, get used to not going to the bathroom.
-There’s no way to secure the open back – standing, moving, leaning forward, breathing, etc. make it fall off.
-My girlfriend won’t share hers with me.

Monster Hunter: Downsides III

Of course, the main reason so few people become the things they want to be as children is that they have unrealistic goals.

But I think that was kind of the point. As an aspiring writer, I probably had the most grounded dream I’ve ever heard of, in that it’s a real job you could actually have. I’ve heard children talk about what they want to be when they grow up – wizards, superheroes, Hannah Montana, etc. – and they’re in for some big disappointments through the years. (That last group, especially.)

Childhood probably would have been a lot duller if it was just a bunch of us wanting to be contractors, cashiers and human resource directors.

For one, the playground wouldn’t have been all that fun. Imagine long games of haggling over estimates to upgrade pretend kitchens or scanning make-believe grocery items while making small talk. I’m not sure what games the aspiring human resources directors would have played. From what I’ve seen, their games would have mostly involved not calling me back about job offers.

Zing.

I’m sure that most of us won’t be what we wanted to be. But that’s okay. Because when you get right down to it, most of us were pretty stupid when we were children. I know my six-year-old self. He took dangerous dares involving gasoline and fire from his older brothers. He's probably the last person I’d be taking career advice from.

As we grow up, I think we learn a lot about the real world. And our job hopes are tempered with a healthy dose of reality. We suddenly learn that jobs aren’t about “fun” or “magic” or whatever else we originally thought. We realize any job is fine if they pay you a lot.

I admit it’s a lousy moral to the story, but yeah, I’d probably take a punch in the stomach every day at work for thirty dollars an hour.

And that nicely wraps up my week-long article spree about jobs.

(A Note about the Comic: Yes, that suit of armor is drawn to scale. I opted for the male version, which is slightly bigger and good for this joke. Though, it probably would have been just as funny to use the female armor – more or less a pink metal carnival prize bear. It’s ever more proof that the armor crafter in town secretly hates your character in Monster Hunter Tri.)

Monster Hunter: Downsides II

In other news, no, you wouldn't be good at that random job you saw in some random movie or video game.

There are times when I wish I hung around people who used more recreational drugs. While my overall stance on drugs is reasonably conservative, this is the point where I'm happy to bend. Mostly, I think if my friends used drugs, at least they'd have an excuse for half the stupid ideas that come out of their mouth.

I can't count the number of times I've heard someone point at a television screen and say, "Oh, I'd be so good at that." Generally, it's some absurd job, like a guy shooting zombies or something. As if someone could have natural talent in that.

Like, "Your verbal and mathematical skills are very low on your SAT's, but your zombie survival numbers really saved you."

The worst part is that a lot of these comments are self-disqualifying. I mean, I have no idea if you have any skill in being a special operations soldier or not. But judging by the fact that the friend who said this had been on the same forty inches of couch for the past ten hours - too lazy to even go to the bathroom - I'm pretty sure they'd at least fail the physical part of the exam.

A lot of these things seem like fun. Then again, anything is more fun when it only involves pressing six to ten buttons to make it happen. The real versions of being a soldier, assassin, race car driver and professional athlete involve quite a bit more...well, standing up and that other hard stuff.

Well, maybe not race car driver...

Monster Hunter: Downsides I

Note to Non-Hunters: In "Monster Hunter Tri," you cook raw meat to restore stamina. While doing so, inexplicably weird circus music plays. Anyone looking to make more than three pieces of cooked meat is bound to go insane listening to that tune over and over. If it also plays when hunters eat random meals at home, I have no doubt they'd hang themselves within a week. (Or at least get a lot of take-out.)

Now, on with the article.

When you were a kid, you probably had outlandish ideas for what you wanted to be as an adult. We all wanted to be astronauts, ninjas and all sorts of other random crap. Twenty years later, I can say that I'm thrilled I never became any of these things.

Eventually, the reality sets in that these jobs are terrible.

Assuming you could even find work as a ninja, assassin or something of the sort - and that's a big "if" - can you imagine a worse job? You'd be working every night. You'd never be able to sleep soundly. And everything you did would be kept a secret. This, I imagine, would be hell come time for a raise.

"I only get one percent?" you'd asked. "I killed a hundred men. I lived in the shadows. And I didn't even get a single vacation day!"

To which your boss would reply, "There's no proof you were involved in any of those assassinations. Also, I think you're stealing throwing stars from the supply closet."

And then you'd have to kill your boss - which means no reference for your next job.

My point is, so many of the jobs we thought would be cool probably have their share of negatives. Anything from superhero to vampire hunter would probably be a lot less fun to do than we'd think. Unfortunately, I doubt a lot of kids are reading this article, so I doubt I'll be helping anyone. Still, speaking from personal experience, I can definitely say I wish someone had been there to give me a reality check as a child.

Believe it or not, I wanted to be a writer. I know, right? A terrible fate, indeed...