Monster Hunter: Flexing History

It's probably no secret I love Monster Hunter Tri - it's not perfect, though.

If I had to point out one problem with the game, it would probably be the lack of urgency your hunter seems to display. Being attacked by a gigantic monster elicits a certain response. Be it swinging a sword, healing or screaming like a little girl, I'd be doing them all at a frantic pace. Trust me.

Your hunter, however, prefers to lazily do everything. They casually sip on a healing Potion as though they were at a wine tasting. And to make matters worse - and I'm not joking about this - they then flex for a solid three seconds in place.

I have no idea why this is in the game, aside from artificially creating difficulty. But if you're like almost every person I've spoken to about it who plays, you probably find it terribly annoying. Of course, there are armor skills that allow you to consume Potions more quickly and without the irritating pause at the end to allow a monster to clobber you. Then again, why should the common sense not to leave myself wide open to attack every time I heal be a skill in-game?

That's why I used the Potion in the first place. I wanted more health. Not less.

The Wii Cycle

Some years ago, the Wii was announced. Immediately, it was seen as a way to get active, fight childhood obesity and secretly transform a generation of sedentary gamers into fitness machines. Today, I keep trying to find shortcuts to moving my entire arm to play.

Don’t get me wrong. What the Wii tried to do was as well-intentioned as it was revolutionary. It also ignored the fact that if video gamers were looking for a physical challenge, they probably wouldn’t be playing video games in the first place.

My first day with Wii Sports was crazy. I was running and jumping around. I was swinging my arms and diving into furniture. Of course, bowling doesn’t require any of these actions, but I was excited.

I bowled a 6, for the record.

Two years later, I get aggravated any time a game sneaks in motion controls. I bought the Wii for the novelty of movement. But I bought my couch for the novelty of remaining motionless except for my thumb and forefingers. And – to be fair – the couch was here first.

Now, I may be a bit lazier than most. But I doubt my story is totally unique. Is anyone else sick of the Wii trying to improve them as a person, or is it just me?

Though, the one upside is when my Wii warns me to use the wrist strap to keep from throwing my controller accidentally – that’s always good for a chuckle.

Not a Moment to Spare

Today, midway through a bag of Doritos and a marathon session of daytime Food Network, I realized I have no free time.

My lack of free time isn’t in the traditional sense, of course. It would be one thing to have too many obligations to do things. It’s quite another to be tied down by my own laziness. Between video games, cooking, movies, television, writing, drawing and other things that make me happy, I have very little time to get out much.

Case in point: “Inception.” I’ve been meaning to see this movie for at least a month now. My friends tell me it’s good. The critics say it’s good. But short of someone giving me a ride to the movies – most likely a friend and not a critic – I probably won’t make it.

I could claim there were other reasons, but it’s not true. I’m all for lying, certainly. My lies should at least sound plausible, though.

Granted, I’ve been spending a lot of time online lately. And this does eat up sizable portions of my day. Still, I’m not sure I could portray myself as a victim for talking on random forums about the ending of “Cowboy Bebop” or how bad security must be at Princess Peach’s castle for her to be kidnapped in every single Mario game ever.

And I seem like even less of a victim when my only problem is not having time to go to theaters.

In the meanwhile, I’ll just have to find a way to cope. And don’t worry – at least I still have Redbox. Until I find a better solution, I’m sure all your hopes and prayers are with me.

Seven Habits of Highly Unemployed People

Hard work, dedication and a game plan – these are three things you’ll have to avoid entirely if you have no plans on ever reentering the workforce.

Anyone can be jobless. Even in a good economy, losing your job is as simple as having a few drinks at the company Christmas party and needing to prove to your boss that you’re a “big man.” Still, few people can truly find a state of permanent and blissful “unemployment.”

Here are seven tips on avoiding the daily grind:

#1: Change your Way of Thinking
A lot of your friends, family and most societies throughout the world will look down on you for not working. You can’t get caught up in ideas like that. Viewing life as a constant need to move upward is known as “vertical thinking.” You need to use “horizontal thinking.” In fact, while you’re at it, start doing everything horizontally – sleeping, eating and watching television are all good starts.

#2: Find Time for Yourself
It’s easy to lose personal focus when you have so many lives of daytime television characters to worry yourself about. But the free time during unemployment is the perfect time for self-discovery. Luckily, it’s much easier to find something when it’s always on the couch, right where you left it.

#3: Stay Busy
Most people don’t know what to do with themselves while not employed. The trick is to find one project every day to complete. A good suggestion is spending at least three hours each morning growing a very untidy beard. Mustaches are easy. But a scruffy, ninth-grader beard is your way of saying, “Even if I accidentally walked into a job interview, my appearance alone would keep me out of a job.”

#4: Get Your Rest
Between barely moving, not doing laundry and refreshing your Facebook homepage, it can be hard to find time for proper rest. Sleep is important for maintaining your health and vitality. There’s no set rule for how many hours you should get a day. If you’re having trouble with it, try sleeping until you no longer have a sense of the passage of night and day.

#5: Manage Your Personal Ties
Once you stop working, it might be tricky to keep your relationships in order. This is a good start, as friends and family tend to complicate joblessness. They keep asking questions like, “When are going to go back to work?” or “Get out of my basement.”

Truly alienating your closest friends, however, will take more skill. They’ve stuck by you for years and may be hard to get rid of. To complete the task, be sure to repeatedly tell them how difficult it is to sit in a bathrobe for twenty-two hours a day. For extra effect, always point out how happy you are that it’s “finally the weekend.”

#6: Create Clever Titles
Some jobless people can’t get over negative titles like “unemployed.” That’s why you’ll need to think of new ways to label yourself. Do you criticize commercials out loud? “Marketing consultant.” Do you spend all day ogling attractive female characters in “World of Warcraft?” “Human resources analyst.”

Failing any of that, “freelance writer” is always a safe bet.

#7: Keep Things Fresh
Despite all the perks and easy lifestyle involved in not having a job, it will eventually get tiresome. Just remember that variety is the spice of life – or lack of one. There’s lot of ways to pass the time while not technically adding anything to society. Spend some time in Starbucks “writing your novel” so everyone can see it. Nurse the same one-dollar item at a fast food restaurant for eight hours. Make that “Bionic Man” noise whenever you get off the couch or go to the bathroom.