Waste of Time Awards - Video Games

This award is only a day or so old now and we're already beginning with a shocking result - "World of Warcraft" did not win in the Video Games Category.

So who could have put up better numbers? Well, it was none other than the Wii's "Monster Hunter Tri." With 182 hours - more than a week's worth of continuous play, or 2% of all my time in 2010 - it was the Winner of Biggest Waste of Time in Video Games!

To accept this award will be Reia, the character I play:

This game got some big numbers with an early year release. But that's not all that carried it. It was a mix of fun and frustratingly hard gameplay that forced me to replay encounters again and again until I won.

And it was this same frustration that had me coming back to old encounters with better equipment just to kill the monsters again out of spite. I'll give Capcom credit for making the most infuriating game in exactly the right ways to be a replay goldmine. The difficulty was always exactly enough to keep me interested but never quite enough to remove the game disc and pump two rounds into it execution-style.

And, for those interested, here's how the contender's did.

2. "World of Warcraft" (PC) - A respectable 92 hours. Of course, many will point out that it may have won if "Cataclysm" were released earlier in the year. But winners don't need excuses to win - it's what separates the games that nibble on my free time and those that devour it.

3. "Super Smash Bros. Brawl" (Wii) - An impressive 84 hours - almost enough for the number two slot. Once again, lots of replay options gave both myself and Jess lots of reasons to come back to the ring. Sadly, we stopped once the only trophies left to win involved beating impossible challenges with 600 different characters...

4. "Katamari Damacy" (PS2) - A baffling 61 hours. This quirky game about rolling a sticky ball over objects to making an even larger ball somehow got played for over two full days. This is all the more surprising, given that the game's soundtrack is like the elevator music in Hell.

5. "Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn" (Wii) - Rounding out the top five, this game ate up 42 hours. This fun tactical RPG is probably one of the best (and only) on the Wii. Assuming I have a yen to play the super-bonus second play through with the secret ending, it might get a slot on this list next year.

How do you think this list matches up with your own? Please do tell. I'm guessing those with actual next-generation systems may have had varying mileage.

Stay tuned - up Wednesday is the "Film and Television Category."

Don't Overdo It...

For those of you who didn't get my clever allusion in the last post, I'll be clearer - I recently asked my girlfriend of three years to marry me.

...Yes, she said yes.

In the lead-up I had a number of really amazing ideas of exactly how to propose. Many of which were incredibly nerdy. The majority of these may have also made her consider her answer much more carefully. Mercifully, I went with the classic "on one knee, asking" tactic.

No doubt, many people think of this as a betrayal of nerd ideals. First off, I was in trouble for actually dating a girl. To not propose in an over-the-top nerdy way is essentially blasphemy.

But - lest we forget - here are a few ways of asking that didn't or wouldn't go so well:

1) Mario Hacking - Several people have hacked their old "Mario" games to show marriage proposals in coins or blocks. I've seen three outcomes. One went okay. Another, the girl got pissed. The third, most hilariously, ended with the girl not noticing. Obviously, not always the way to go.

2) Pac-Man Hacking - At least one person has hacked his old Atari "Pac-Man" cartridge to pop the question. The problem? He programmed it for level 100. His girlfriend couldn't get past 10. And the icing on the cake? After she was furious he kept pushing her to play, he tried himself and couldn't reach it either.

A failure as a boyfriend and as a nerd.

3) Online Marriage - A nerd inspired his girlfriend to play "World of Warcraft" for a month. This was all a setup to his character eventually kneeling and proposing to hers. Unless your girlfriend is ridiculously into the game, too, this isn't nearly as romantic as you think. Especially with the follow-up that they should be married on the bridge leading into Stormwind.

You know, the secret bridge leading into the most populated city in the game where nobody would ever wander through their ceremony and making a scene.

4) Nerd Comic - As per "Penny Arcade," at least one gamer has proposed through a comic. This is actually pretty cute, assuming your girlfriend enjoys public displays. It's also far cuter if she says yes - otherwise, that would be a pretty devastating way to display your shame forever.

5) All-out Fail - Particularly out-of-touch nerds may get the "clever" idea to dress up as their favorite character and propose that way. To my knowledge, this has never happened. Then again, if I dressed up like Inuyasha and was shot down, I doubt I'd be spreading word around either.

Assuming this ever happened, I'm sure this secret died with the nerd's hopes of marriage.

So, as you can see, romance and nerds don't always mix well. If you've got an idea to pop the question and it seems too nerdy, you may want to reconsider. Like a proposal at a sporting event, it's really best to consider what the girl would think instead of random people on online forums.

A good rule of thumb - if you'd need to beat a video game or watch an entire anime series to understand your proposal, it's not a great idea.

Merry Christmas!

For Christmas this year, I thought I'd post in cliche:

'Twas the evening of Christmas and we all were sleeping,

To counteract the two days of huge overeating.

The stockings each look rather limp on the wall,

Now deprived of their filling - I got a huge haul.

Jess got me "Wacraft," as per my expectations,

Though I doubt she's considered the ramifications.

If you think of all of the time I'll be playing,

It's like buying her boyfriend a hooker - just saying.

As this rhyme scheme is quickly becoming a chore,

I think this is where I'll be cutting this short.

So I'll end with this message to nerds far and near:

"Merry Christmas to All...Cataclysm is here..."

Hopefully it was a good holiday for the rest of you. You'll have to let me know about all the fun stuff you got or consumed in bulk quantities. Until then, I think I've got another Christmas meal or two to make an appearance and lose my self-respect at, so I must be going.

Merry Christmas and Happy Nerding.

Things I Already Know

As a proud member of the Digital Age, I can receive updates on world events the moment they happen. No matter what corner of the world something happens in, I'm right in the loop. But rest assured, as far as things I already know are concerned, I don't need to be reminded.

Two or three times a week, I'll see a story online about a research study. The details vary from story to story, but the outcome is the same. Any person with a fifth-grade education and half an ounce of common sense already knew the findings.

Which is all the worse when these studies cost millions upon millions of dollars.

What would be a better use of that money? Well...anything. Because I don't need ten million dollars to realize that "teenagers generally identify themselves as unhappy" or "overweight individuals report above-average low self-esteem." That's right up there with the headline "Pope mostly considers self Catholic."

In the same vein, I've been seeing a lot of "news" lately about "World of Warcraft: Cataclysm" that shouldn't really be news to anyone. When I saw it broke every sales record for the year, I wasn't shocked. When I heard there was a one-night boost to video game store sales, I kind of saw it coming.

A few days back, a particularly out-of-touch technology columnist made the bold prediction of saying, "Cataclysm very well may be the RPG hit of the holiday season."

It's risky going out on a limb like that for a game that sold about three million copies in one hour - I hope he keeps his job if he's wrong.

The point is, I'm starting to realize that in the Digital Age, I'm a bit too well-informed. I like to know exactly what's going on in the world at any time. But even in an Internet with unlimited space to store information, there's just no room for information I knew ten minutes post-womb.

And yes, that comic is accurate - everyone has "Cataclysm."

Monster Hunter: Cha-Cha Accessories

Have you ever heard of being alone in a crowded room? In my case, it's often being alone in a room full of millions of people. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm a bit notorious when it comes to my solo gaming habits. Though many games have online multi-player modes to enjoy, I generally prefer the offline version. In fact, even in games that have only an online version - such as "World of Warcraft" - I find it irritating to bump into other people.

By no means am I antisocial. But after five years of college and endless group work projects, along with a team-based work environment and a committed relationship, I've come to appreciate a little solitude here and there. It's not that I don't enjoy playing games with other people. For me, it's just a lot easier to unwind when the only person I can let down is myself.

In the case of "Monster Hunter Tri," I'm secretly convinced that I suck - a fact that the offline mode is much less likely to notice than a living, breathing person.

Ironically, there are people who are the exact opposite of me. They love the online multi-player. They love it so much, in fact, that they have things in the offline version that mimic other people. They invite non-existent people to play with them. Somehow, this seems insulting to schizophrenics, who don't have the option to turn these people off.

My experiences with these "fake people" has been...well, hilarious. I remember playing with "bots" in the original "Half-Life" who trash-talked as they shot at you. Playing capture the flag with fake humans who yell things at you that you pre-determine in the options menu is exactly as fun as it sounds.

They're something surreal about a computer program saying it slept with your mom last night after head-shotting you...because you programmed it to.

In Monster Hunter, Cha-Cha is the closest thing they have to a second player (assuming you have no one else at home to play with). As horrible as it would be, I'd like to see an option to customize his behavior to mimic a real person. The snobby high-rank player and hopeless low-level seem like good options.

They're apparently pretty popular gaming types, as they're the bulk of all complaints on the forums.

World of Warcraft: The Non-Expansionist Guide

My life situation - currently a divine mixture of responsibility and poverty - has made me decide to forgo the "Cataclysm" expansion of "World of Warcraft" for the time being.

As I assume I'm not the only one in this position, I decided to write briefly on how to cope with the change (or lack thereof). Hopefully, it will aid those without the ability to enjoy all the amazing new content available to others. Ideally, we'll all realize that even without the new races, new levels, new zones, new weapons and armor...hmmm. I think I forgot my original point somewhere in realizing all the stuff I can't have.

In that case, rather than writing about how to cope, I will simply go into the fetal position.

For those not in the know, expansion packs add a vast amount of new content onto existing games. In the case of online games, this creates a unique situation of having people playing alongside one another who have or don't have the expansion. There are "the haves" - those with access to the amazing new material. And there are those without - we will refer to them as "the forsaken."

Of course, those without the new expansion can still play. It would be unfair to cut them off, as they still pay a monthly fee. They simply won't be able to interact with any of the new content. Actually, they'll be able to look at it - just not touch it.

Which, come to think of it, kind of makes it even meaner.

A good analogy would be renting an apartment. One day, the landlord would explain that he's added a kitchen and that - for a one-time fee - you'll be allowed to use it as much as you like. Your roommates jump at the chance to experience the widely-anticipated refrigerator and microwave, whereas you decide to hold on to your money. Since you still pay rent, you get to live there. You just can't walk into that room or enjoy any of the things there.

Every day, your friends walk in and out of the new kitchen showing you all the cool things they can make there. Over time, they slowly leave you behind and spend all their time there. I'll end the analogy here, as in addition to being sad that I don't have "Cataclysm," I've also made myself very hungry.

I'm sure I'll eventually buy the expansion - it will just be very hard in the interim. Every moment I spend without the expansion is one where I don't have my new worgen character. The worgen are a race of shape-shifting creatures with the ability to shift between human and werewolf at will. I realize this doesn't make them sound like anything besides any other cliche werewolf, but I assure you that they're quite different. These ones talk in British accents.

Yeah. I know. It's going to be a long month.

World of Warcraft: Trial Un-Separation

I’ve recently been toying with the possibility of playing “World of Warcraft” again.

Since I couldn’t justify shelling out a lot of money for something I may not really like anymore, I decided to play the free ten-day trial. So far, my reviews are mixed. Let’s just say that I’m glad it’s free, because I’m not sure I’d pay to be killed and humped by other players.

I’ll imagine many of you have no idea what I’m talking about, so I’ll go back a bit.

There are three main ways to play World of Warcraft. These are PvE, PvP and RP. In “Player versus Environment,” you fight only the enemies in the game. In “Player versus Player,” you are repeatedly killed by angry nerds who then pretend to hump your corpse with their character.

You can die in PvE or PvP just as easily – the only real difference is what happens to your body afterward.

Of course, the third type is “Role Playing.” And while I like a lot of role playing games, it tends to be a bit much for even me. You can only hear so many stories from player characters named Raif Darkblood about their fathers dying in the last war and how they’re trying to restore their family honor. I swear – everyone I ever spoke to had that same back story.

After a few negative experiences this time around, I switched to Player versus Environment. It’s the best way to make sure you spend most of your playtime actually playing the game. I have surprisingly little tolerance for meaningless back stories and endless corpse-humping.

It’s actually been fun this time around. Surprisingly, there are a lot of things to enjoy outside of those little annoyances. I think I could definitely see myself playing again. Though, unlike in my college days, I may try to keep it under twelve hours a day.

I seem to recall the negative physical consequences of sleeping a combined fifteen hours my entire last year of college…

Things I Miss: World of Warcraft

My third year of college was - for all intents and purposes - one long game of "World of Warcraft." Somewhere between finding treasure and slaying things, I found time to pass my courses. At least, that's what my transcripts later said. I have no actual recollection of the classes that led to this fact.

That was my video game hayday. Since then, I really haven't found the time to be that obsessed about any game. "World of Warcraft" in particular, I haven't played in a long time. I'm convinced there's no way to play it except obsessively. Being in a relationship - not to mention needing to occasionally eat, sleep and shower - doesn't leave me time for such obsessions.

But there are definitely times I miss it. And why not? Everything in that game is so immediately rewarding. Killing something gives me gold. Finishing a quest gives me experience and items.

Real life is rarely so rewarding. Sure, I kill a lot of bugs and such, but the drops are lousy. And then I have to clean them up.

Even that snake didn't give me anything good.

With the next expansion pack looming, I'm tempted to get back into it. Though I would also be single within a few months, so maybe not. Of course, if I can convince Jess to play, all bets are off.