Video Game Pet Peeves

I've been playing video games since the Atari 2600. Graphically, things have improved quite a bit since then, but oddly enough, developers are still mucking up a lot of the same stuff, too. Over the past ten to fifteen years, here are the things that have been annoying me the most.

Developers, please take a memo on these and try to fix them before games hit the super-futuristic stage like in "Tron" - the only thing worse than sucking is being immersed in a 3D world of sucking.

1. Worthless Characters
In fighting games, a long character list means a good chance that one will match your fighting style. For example, is your style being slow and doing no damage at all? Then you should play as Peach in “Super Smash Bros. Brawl.” Luckily, you have the option of just avoiding her altogether, but they could have filled her spot with – I don’t know – a fighter or something. Zero Suit Samus might dress like a whore, but at least she kicks the butt to back it up.

More evidence Peach was worthless – her ultimate attack was to create fruit. It does exactly as much damage as you might guess. None.

2. Excessively Convoluted Plots
The “Metal Gear Solid” series is a lot of fun. Its plot is also so thick that I’m not sure whether I won or lost when I killed the last boss. I swear that storyline was so obtuse you’d need a PhD to sort it all out. At a certain point in games, I just want someone to be bad and have a sword or gun to kill him.

3. Convenient Item Locations
“The Legend of Zelda” games are famous for this. Why is it that there just so happens to be an ice wall six feet from the treasure chest with the Fire Wand to melt it? Just once, to mess with my head, I’d like to open that chest and find an Ice Wand in there.

4. Repetitive Sounds
Back in the land of 16-bit goodness, there was a little game called “Streets of Rage 3.” Whether or not the game was fun, I don’t recall. Mostly, my brothers and I just did the special attacks to hear an irritating symphony of grating, poorly-recorded voices yell, “Power up!” and “Bare knuckle!” I don’t think I could bring myself to beat that game until I just muted the television.

That game, however, does get bonus points for having a secret code to play as a fighting kangaroo. That’s not even a joke. Go look it up.

5. Limited Soundtrack
Similar to repeating sound effects was the game that only had one song – “Tetris.” Play all you want. Either way, there’s no way to finish that game or song. It just loops forever. In fact, I haven’t played that game in ten years and I can still hear it playing in my head.

6. Random Battles
Whether or not you realize it, any RPG you play only has about five hours of content. Why does it take fifty hours to beat, you ask? Random battles. Depending on the game, you’ll be fighting one somewhere between every two minutes and every two steps. It’s a nice way to extend the experience. It also ensures that, once you’ve taken down the final boss, you back your vehicle repeatedly over the game disc as an act of revenge.

7. Endless Identical Sequels
To me, a sequel advances an ongoing storyline. What I don’t want is a series of games that are pretty much the same, but I have to buy each one. “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai” or whatever was fine. There was no need for “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai 2” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi Tortellini.” You can add as many random incomprehensible words as you want to the end. You’re not going to make it any better – you’re just going to run out of room on the game box.

8. Revamping Old Characters
I realize that certain characters need to be updated with the times. But I think some characters should just be left alone. Did you know there’s a game coming out called “Epic Mickey?” The point is that it’s Mickey Mouse during his more rebellious days, running around and causing mischief. If nothing else, the game’s idiotic premise has saved me the trouble of needing to make an actual joke here.

9. Messing with a Working Formula
I played what seems like a few dozen “Sonic the Hedgehog” games when I was younger. It was usually as simple as holding the “right” button and jumping once or twice a level. That was fun for me. The latest games are in 3D and, although the high-speed formula worked for a decade, they’ve completely abandoned fast-paced action. For some reason, I picked up one where Sonic was holding a broadsword. Don’t like that? Well, in another one, you can turn into a werewolf. Is that better?

It worked before. Why change it? This would be like tomorrow deciding fire is a bad way to cook food and just switching to heating it by throwing it at the wall over and over.

10. Inappropriate Fun
Don’t get me wrong – fun is fun. But some games weren’t fun when played the way they were intended. I still remember that I only played hockey and football games for the off chance of giving someone a career-ending injury. And I’m not sure what the actual point was of “Pilotwings,” but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to plow my plane into the ground at the highest possible speed imaginable.

Then again, I don’t read instruction manuals, so you never know…

What are some of the things that irk you most about video games of the past or present?

Creative license run amok...

If the previews for "The Social Network" movie are to believed, Mark Zuckerberg is the reincarnation of James Dean and Chuck Norris combined.

I have no doubt Zuckerberg has learned a bit of media savvy over the years. When you're head of a huge company like "Facebook," I'm sure you have to. But the thought that he was being a rebel from the get-go - and in the middle of disciplinary hearings - is taking it a bit too far. If I were in front of the Harvard disciplinary committee with charges of theft and breaking into their network, I'm at least sweating a bit. Chances are good I'm needing a change of underwear afterward.

I'm certainly not going to be rude and mocking the committee members during the questioning.

Facebook is an Empire - I'm not denying that. But I was there. Its formative years were nothing like what that movie make them out to be. Facebook is not a crime family. Its founder is certainly not the don. He's probably just a big as of a nerd as I am. I bet we'd even hang out.

For my part, I'm on Zuckerberg's side on this...to an extent. I agree with him in the sense that he probably wasn't as big of a jerk as they make him out to be. Then again, I also don't think he was partying like a rock star, getting groupies and having conversations with anyone who looked anything like Justin Timberlake.

Of course, I'm sure a movie about the real story would have been really dull. I'd much rather have seen a movie about the founding of "Myspace." It could have used the tag line: "You don't get to 50 million friends - and 750 million more fake accounts used to post pornographic photos and hit on girls (and guys) you don't know - without making a few enemies."

It's a bit wordy - I'll work on it.

Now Even Avatar-ier?

Next week, the film "Avatar" is being released back into theaters as a Special Edition. At this point, there are two lingering questions on everyone's mind:

1) Will "Avatar: Special Edition" be the next "Avatar?"
2) As James Cameron currently has all money in the world, how will people be paying to go see this?

This particular blog hasn't been around long enough, but my views on Special Editions are well-documented throughout my own history. My commentary has ranged anywhere from "this movie didn't need to be remade" to "this was so bad it ruined the original movie" to non-verbal gagging noises.

Not all Special Editions are rampant grabs for money. Probably. That being said, releasing these do-overs is essentially like mowing someone's lawn badly, having them pay you, mowing it again and then asking to be paid a second time.

In summary, this strategy - at least from a money standpoint - is brilliant.

Oh, and I know I don't normally post on weekends, but this was a special occasion. One, it gives me an excuse to use the phrase "nerding for the weekend." Two, and more importantly, the blog has now reached 2,500 views! Thanks to everyone's eyes - who made all this possible.

The Ultimate Back-to-School Unlist

Every year starting sometime in July (yes – it’s that early), I’m accosted by the latest back-to-school lists. Call me skeptical, but I find it a little odd that each year, this list is slightly bigger. And this skepticism is tougher to brush aside when these lists are generally written by Target and Wal-Mart. As impartial as these retail giants might be, I have trouble trusting them for some reason.

Still, I’ve been to college. (And I was there for a long time.) I can honestly tell you that if the list includes more than pencils and notebooks, chances are, they’re padding it quite a bit.

Browsing these lists, I compiled a few of the worst offenders. I don’t know how they keep making it on these lists when no one actually uses them. But you’d be better off leaving them at home this year. If you find you need them, the majority can still be won in crooked card games with your roommate.

1) Graphing Calculator
Mark this down as the most useful item no one will let you use. It can make graphs, solve equations and basically make that well-trimmed melon atop your shoulders useless. And that’s exactly why professors ban them on tests.

2) Prepaid Phone Cards
It’s important to stay in touch as a family. But with the Internet alone, there are at least a dozen better ways to keep up in your child’s life. Besides, if you didn’t get your kid a cell phone, you probably don’t love them anyway. In which case, why would they need to call you?

3) Answering Machine
Within a few weeks, you’ll be so hard-pressed to avoid some people you’ll be wishing you’d forgotten it back at home anyway.

4) Entire Medicine Cabinet
Health is key in college. Because you’re crammed in close quarters with at least five thousand other sick people, it’s also impossible. Until your immune system gears up by year three, you’ll be getting sick no matter what – there’s barely any point in treating anything but the symptoms. That’s why all you really need is PM cold medicine. It might not get rid of everything, but it will make you sleep. Most, if not all, symptoms are far more manageable when you’re not there to have them.

5) Alarm Clock
I’ve yet to set an alarm clock for any important occasion where it hasn’t failed miserably. After a few failed attempts to conquer the “AM/PM mystery,” low volume and random power outages, I just gave up. From then on, I just used my cell phone alarm. It’s digital, immune to blackouts and can be (and is) programmed to wake me up with Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

6) Deodorant
That was a test – if you agreed, I either hate you or you’re my first college roommate.

7) College Posters
I’m not against all posters on walls. They’re a quick way to show things you like, what you’re about and your individual taste. But is it really your individual taste when you have the same three posters as every other person who went to college in history?

Either way, you’re probably better off packing with your gut. I mean that in the sense of instinct. Though packing nothing but Easy Mac and instant mashed potatoes isn’t the worst idea I’ve ever heard.

What about you – anything you’d be better off leaving with your parents?

Science Fiction Pet Peeves

So I was recently collaborating on a list of my biggest science fiction pet peeves with my girlfriend. This was the result. Depending on which of us you like better, you can assume either I or my girlfriend came up with the funniest ones.

1. Why do non-humans fall in love with humans?
The biological argument aside – stuff doesn’t try to mate with different stuff – this one is just plain icky. It’s like that monkey woman kissing Marky Mark in “Planet of the Apes.” That was unsettling. If Hollywood has deemed it wrong to show unattractive people kissing in movies, why are we so frequently accosted by people making out with other species?

2. Why does everything humans create want to kill us?
It never fails. The minute we make a robot or human hybrid or perfect creature, it goes crazy and starts munching on the science team. Why haven’t scientists learned their lesson by now? Anyone who doesn’t understand that our creations will inevitably come to hate their maker has, apparently, never raised a teenager.

3. Why is that woman who voices the self-destruct countdown such a bitch?
As crew members flee to escape pods, she casually counts down in monotone robotic voice. You’d think they would have programmed her to be a bit more sympathetic or something. Like, “The ship will self-destruct in two minutes…and I feel super bad about it.”

4. Why do alien super-weapons have such moronic weaknesses?
So the Death Star in “Star Wars” was pretty much the scariest thing in the Universe. But it was built with an exhaust port wide enough to put a bomb into. Is there some reason it needed an exhaust in the first place? “Oh, we need an exhaust or else it will run really loud when we gun it.” I guess then it wouldn’t have passed inspection or something.

5. Why does anyone with military training die while weaklings survive until the end?
Every movie seems to end with one grown-up and one small child surviving. Somehow, the raptors or zombies or aliens were able to bring down a fully-armored tank. But this child manages to survive. Absent of the fact that children are slower, weaker and can’t fight off enemies, everyone knows that they’re the most delicious of all people. They would be, like, a monster magnet.

6. How did aliens develop space travel without learning how to recycle?
The fact that alien races would want to steal our resources doesn’t bother me. What annoys me is that, even though they developed the technology to cross galaxies in minutes, they never developed a simple plastic recycle bin. Why does that invention always seem to elude their vast intellects?

7. Why do communications suck in the future?
Those holographic phones in “Star Wars” are cool and all, but there are two problems. One, why can the image only be in light blue? And two, why is it always flickering? I don’t know who’s providing long distance service to the Galaxy, but they need to fix their network. Though, I’d settle for a cheap Internet bundle or something.

(Note: Yes, I’m aware that “Star Wars” technically happened in the past – please don’t point this out.)

8. Why are humans always the stupidest creatures in the Universe?
It’s not good for my ego to keep watching these movies. Humans are consistently the least intelligent race anywhere. I’m sick of being the “greedy and war-like species with primitive space technology.” Let’s give some credit where credit is due. Earth invented both “The Dark Knight” and Cool Ranch Doritos. Suck on it, Vulcans.

9. Why does the escape route never go around the aliens?
Why can’t we just go out this back way? No. We have to take the way through the haunted flaming ruins. If we follow that, it will take us to the rickety bridge over the spike pits. And then, after a quick dip in spicy chipotle lime marinade, we make our way through the largest alien nest in the Universe to find the missing part to our ship.

10. Why does the military wear armor when it doesn’t do anything?
“Star Wars” should have been a big wake-up call for armor crafters. Did you ever see a Storm Trooper survive any blaster shot? Never. In fact, the only person I recall ever surviving was Leia, who was shot in the leg while wearing only a light jacket.

Those are my pet peeves – what are some of yours?