Nerd's Guide to 2am

There are people out there who only see 2am as they turn over in bed during a good night's sleep - as a nerd, that kind of weirds me out.

I'm not sure if there was ever a point in my life when I went to bed early. My parents were never strict about bedtimes. This may have been because they trusted to me to make good decisions about sleep on my own. It may have also - and more likely - been because I went to sleep at 3am and still got good grades, so I was effectively untouchable. You'd have to ask them.

Either way, I quickly found that late night living suited my nerdy lifestyle very well. And judging by the odd spike this site usually gets in traffic between 11pm and 2am, I'm not alone. Or...there's a time zone thing.

As that second theory invalidates my entire point, I'll assume it's the first idea.

I'm assuming many of you already know the wonders of insomnia. (It helps to have a job that starts around noon, or it's far less fun.) For those who don't, though, there are a number of interesting things that happen early in the morning.

-They loop the programming on "Adult Swim." Most people know this. What they don't realize, though, is that due to sleep deprivation, everything gets a lot funnier. The anime that runs a second time is still interesting, and in many cases, it's suddenly a comedy.

Note: "King of the Hill," however, remains the exactly as unbearable the second time - go figure.

-Assuming sleeping people are nearby, anything on your television louder than a mouse clearing its throat sounds like a bomb going off.

-The good part of your video game comes right when you're just about to drop from exhaustion.

-If it's 5am and you're still up, consider hiding your phone. Because that inflatable knife set you thought looked ridiculous at 3am looks kind of tempting at 4am. And an hour later, you're wondering if you'll be okay with only one set.

-A wave of food commercials will hit the moment the last restaurant in your area closes.

Note: Beware this if you tend to be a late night eater. Similar to infomercials, that "disgusting" food looks pretty good at 3am. That "expired" food looks fairly edible at 4am. And that stuff you're "allergic to" is tender and juicy come 5am.

Monster Hunter - Christmas Wishes

(Note: No, there's nothing wrong with your eyes. The comics actually look different. They may seem more hand-drawn, which would be ideal, as they now are.

Or...there's something wrong with your eyes, in addition to this new change.)

By now, I'm sure everyone is basking in their hauls from Christmas. That is, assuming, you happen to celebrate this particular holiday. Or, at least, your friends do, and give you gifts against your will.

As a nerd, I've always found this to be a somewhat difficult holiday. Since most of my gifts are either obscure or related to confusing technology, I can't always expect others to get me the right things. Asking for a laptop with particular specifications is kind of like speaking to people in Korean.

Luckily, my girlfriend is fluent in nerdish - not only does she understand what I want, she can also explain it to her parents.

I won't bore you with my entire gift list, but I was very happy with everything I got. "Cataclysm," obviously, was awesome. I also got a lot of tasty treats. And, most importantly for the site, we also got a very high-quality scanner/printer so I can publish better and faster blog posts. Though, if I'm not mistaken, that gift might have been for Jess, and I just kind of stole it already.

...I'll have to look into that.

More on-topic, I was commissioned - or rather, asked nicely - to do a "Monster Hunter" Christmas comic. As I draw very little else, it seemed like a good idea. But I still get to seem generous, okay?

The comic does bring up valid questions. Assuming monsters were good, what would they be asking for? I'd imagine they'd have some interesting wish lists - in addition to the more obvious wish that random people stop killing them.

Great Jaggis would probably like some earplugs to block out the constant screeching from their entourage. Royal Ludroth might consider a turtleneck. Caedeus could use a beard-grooming kit. Gigginox, well, I really have no idea.

Hunters, clearly, don't need Christmas gifts - they just carve them off monsters.

Merry Christmas!

For Christmas this year, I thought I'd post in cliche:

'Twas the evening of Christmas and we all were sleeping,

To counteract the two days of huge overeating.

The stockings each look rather limp on the wall,

Now deprived of their filling - I got a huge haul.

Jess got me "Wacraft," as per my expectations,

Though I doubt she's considered the ramifications.

If you think of all of the time I'll be playing,

It's like buying her boyfriend a hooker - just saying.

As this rhyme scheme is quickly becoming a chore,

I think this is where I'll be cutting this short.

So I'll end with this message to nerds far and near:

"Merry Christmas to All...Cataclysm is here..."

Hopefully it was a good holiday for the rest of you. You'll have to let me know about all the fun stuff you got or consumed in bulk quantities. Until then, I think I've got another Christmas meal or two to make an appearance and lose my self-respect at, so I must be going.

Merry Christmas and Happy Nerding.

You Were Probably Happier Not Knowing...

Well, it’s finally happened – the blog has gotten 10,000 hits.

Of course, I’m very excited. In addition to being seen by thousands of people, my blog has been viewed in more than seventy-five different countries all around the world. As some of these countries have only two views, I’m not saying it’s popular, but it’s at least tolerated.

I’d like to claim that this overwhelming tide of support has been due to a universal love of all things nerdy. But I can’t. Apparently, I also owe a lot to a general ignorance on the topic of “birth control,” “hilarious birth control” and “birth control funny” – basically the top search terms leading to this site.

Don't believe me? Here's the analysis of the searches that lead to the site. I'll share them with you. Pay attention to the very top terms...and one near the bottom that's deeply, deeply disturbing.

At the very least, I know why this is such a popular blog on birth control – this entry here and this one here are to blame.

There are probably people who think I should be upset at the topics leading people here. But it’s not a good idea to look a gift horse in the mouth. Regardless of how stupid that saying is.

Perhaps more disturbing than the leading search terms are the ones that appeared only once or twice. "Cowboy bebop snuggie" is a bit out of left field. And I have a vague idea why “i feel like a monster” leads here, given all the “Monster Hunter” comics – that doesn’t make it any less weird, though.

If someone knows that guy, uh, could you give him a hug or something?

Anyway, it's a big milestone. But the rest of the staff and I are even more excited about what’s in store for the coming year. Among these things are more articles, more comics and lots of great recommendations about how to get the most out of your thick-rimmed black glasses.

We’re also very excited to announce a regular fantasy comic that will be introduced. And the comics will be getting a new, polished look, as I’m going to start hand-drawing them, scanning them and editing them on computer. The results, in all probability, will rock your socks off, regardless of fabric choice or length above the ankle.

No doubt, hand-drawing comics will make my life a lot easier and ensure much quicker posting. That’s the good news. The bad news is that hand-drawing on paper is, ironically, the single way I could take a step down from using “MS Paint” to publish comics.

Anyway, thanks for making the site such a big hit – and prepare your eyeballs for more to come.

Things I Already Know

As a proud member of the Digital Age, I can receive updates on world events the moment they happen. No matter what corner of the world something happens in, I'm right in the loop. But rest assured, as far as things I already know are concerned, I don't need to be reminded.

Two or three times a week, I'll see a story online about a research study. The details vary from story to story, but the outcome is the same. Any person with a fifth-grade education and half an ounce of common sense already knew the findings.

Which is all the worse when these studies cost millions upon millions of dollars.

What would be a better use of that money? Well...anything. Because I don't need ten million dollars to realize that "teenagers generally identify themselves as unhappy" or "overweight individuals report above-average low self-esteem." That's right up there with the headline "Pope mostly considers self Catholic."

In the same vein, I've been seeing a lot of "news" lately about "World of Warcraft: Cataclysm" that shouldn't really be news to anyone. When I saw it broke every sales record for the year, I wasn't shocked. When I heard there was a one-night boost to video game store sales, I kind of saw it coming.

A few days back, a particularly out-of-touch technology columnist made the bold prediction of saying, "Cataclysm very well may be the RPG hit of the holiday season."

It's risky going out on a limb like that for a game that sold about three million copies in one hour - I hope he keeps his job if he's wrong.

The point is, I'm starting to realize that in the Digital Age, I'm a bit too well-informed. I like to know exactly what's going on in the world at any time. But even in an Internet with unlimited space to store information, there's just no room for information I knew ten minutes post-womb.

And yes, that comic is accurate - everyone has "Cataclysm."

Monster Hunter: Cha-Cha Accessories

Have you ever heard of being alone in a crowded room? In my case, it's often being alone in a room full of millions of people. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm a bit notorious when it comes to my solo gaming habits. Though many games have online multi-player modes to enjoy, I generally prefer the offline version. In fact, even in games that have only an online version - such as "World of Warcraft" - I find it irritating to bump into other people.

By no means am I antisocial. But after five years of college and endless group work projects, along with a team-based work environment and a committed relationship, I've come to appreciate a little solitude here and there. It's not that I don't enjoy playing games with other people. For me, it's just a lot easier to unwind when the only person I can let down is myself.

In the case of "Monster Hunter Tri," I'm secretly convinced that I suck - a fact that the offline mode is much less likely to notice than a living, breathing person.

Ironically, there are people who are the exact opposite of me. They love the online multi-player. They love it so much, in fact, that they have things in the offline version that mimic other people. They invite non-existent people to play with them. Somehow, this seems insulting to schizophrenics, who don't have the option to turn these people off.

My experiences with these "fake people" has been...well, hilarious. I remember playing with "bots" in the original "Half-Life" who trash-talked as they shot at you. Playing capture the flag with fake humans who yell things at you that you pre-determine in the options menu is exactly as fun as it sounds.

They're something surreal about a computer program saying it slept with your mom last night after head-shotting you...because you programmed it to.

In Monster Hunter, Cha-Cha is the closest thing they have to a second player (assuming you have no one else at home to play with). As horrible as it would be, I'd like to see an option to customize his behavior to mimic a real person. The snobby high-rank player and hopeless low-level seem like good options.

They're apparently pretty popular gaming types, as they're the bulk of all complaints on the forums.

Tech Fails - "MyLife.com"

Now, I'm not normally one to talk about sad but trendy technology fads. Wait. Actually, come to think of it, that's all I do.

The latest piece of failure technology is "MyLife.com" and similar sites. Allegedly, the idea is that you go there and find out all the people from your past who've been looking for you. Who knows? Maybe that one guy you liked that one time but didn't like you has started to like you. And maybe he doesn't have Facebook to just find you the easy, normal way.

And romance ensues, or so people who dress up their cats are led to believe.

In reality, I'm not sold. Even if this product works exactly as advertised - and that's a big "if" - the entire idea is a little sad. There's a reason you left your old boyfriends and girlfriends. In all likelihood, this reason has no statute of limitations.

If they left you, you're probably better off. If you left them, of course they were pining after you. You don't need an online service to tell you these things. And you certainly don't need an online service to tell stalkers your associated addresses, which I've heard the site does.

Your nights will probably be a lot more pleasant without the thought that a guy you stood up ten years ago knows where you live.

Aside from all these negatives, think of the how this works. An old flame goes looking for you. You then join a site that tells you they were looking for you. How do you broach that conversation to them? "I see you were obsessing over me. Well, I was obsessing over you. Do you like coffee? Do you like awkwardness? Great. How's this Thursday?"

I think online dating can work. I do. But something about playing "stalker tag" doesn't exactly sound like a romance novel in the works. To sum up, if you'd hide the story of how you met someone from your grandchildren, it's probably not worth doing.

I realize it's a little one-sided to review the system without trying it. But I don't have to. Realizing people from my past were searching for me wouldn't make me happy. It would creep me out. And it would make me wonder why my stalkers weren't tech-saavy enough to use Facebook. And what they were dressing their cats like.

Of course, if the site has ever personally resulted in a long marriage and at least two and a half children for any of you, I'd be delighted to be proved wrong.

A Quick Announcement

Just to let everyone know, I've updated the video game trailers to include a few new games that should be rocking your faces off in the very near future.

I've also added a new monthly section of my recommendations of things to watch. There's some good watching to be had in December, so I suggest you check it out. Those wanting some good recommendations each month should come back periodically. The title will change from "December" to "January" when there's new information, so that will take out the guess work.

Anyway, it's all part of ramping up efforts on the site for the new year, so get ready. The awesomeness is coming. There will be no escape.

Missing Some Magic

I didn't think I've ever found caffeine as revolting as when it doesn't dance.

For the past month or so, I've been captivated by that dancing "Tassimo" robot. It dances and capers for you while preparing your coffee, and even asks what it can do for you. Every time I see our lazy motionless coffee maker sitting there, it makes me sick.

Despite my largely sedentary lifestyle, I'm surprisingly flamboyant, fun and prone to spurts of dancing. (Ask my girlfriend - or her therapist - to verify this.) But for whatever reason, when it came to furnishing my home, I decided to surround myself with cheap, non-dancing appliances. Go figure.

Granted, it's a gimmick. I know a dancing, talking coffee maker won't make my beverage taste better. I think my mornings are just missing a little magic that a polite capering robot could easily provide.

Worse still is that now I'm suddenly very aware of how motionless all my stuff is, and I hate it.

So, I'm left with two options. (This discounts the third option of "getting over it.") The first is to actually buy one, which would cost me several hundred dollars. The second - and this is the direction I'm leaning in thus far - is to find a way to make our current coffee maker dance. And, if there's time, I wouldn't hate it if he just did some general butler duties around the kitchen.

I'm not sure how exactly to go about the second option. Even if I could figure out some "Frosty the Snowman" magic hat situation to bring it to life, there are obvious faults with the plan. For one, giving my coffee maker life and free will sounds like the start of a robot killing spree movie.

For another, I'm not sure how much Christmas magic is around to spare, but I'm betting sad orphans probably get first dibs or something.

World of Warcraft: The Non-Expansionist Guide

My life situation - currently a divine mixture of responsibility and poverty - has made me decide to forgo the "Cataclysm" expansion of "World of Warcraft" for the time being.

As I assume I'm not the only one in this position, I decided to write briefly on how to cope with the change (or lack thereof). Hopefully, it will aid those without the ability to enjoy all the amazing new content available to others. Ideally, we'll all realize that even without the new races, new levels, new zones, new weapons and armor...hmmm. I think I forgot my original point somewhere in realizing all the stuff I can't have.

In that case, rather than writing about how to cope, I will simply go into the fetal position.

For those not in the know, expansion packs add a vast amount of new content onto existing games. In the case of online games, this creates a unique situation of having people playing alongside one another who have or don't have the expansion. There are "the haves" - those with access to the amazing new material. And there are those without - we will refer to them as "the forsaken."

Of course, those without the new expansion can still play. It would be unfair to cut them off, as they still pay a monthly fee. They simply won't be able to interact with any of the new content. Actually, they'll be able to look at it - just not touch it.

Which, come to think of it, kind of makes it even meaner.

A good analogy would be renting an apartment. One day, the landlord would explain that he's added a kitchen and that - for a one-time fee - you'll be allowed to use it as much as you like. Your roommates jump at the chance to experience the widely-anticipated refrigerator and microwave, whereas you decide to hold on to your money. Since you still pay rent, you get to live there. You just can't walk into that room or enjoy any of the things there.

Every day, your friends walk in and out of the new kitchen showing you all the cool things they can make there. Over time, they slowly leave you behind and spend all their time there. I'll end the analogy here, as in addition to being sad that I don't have "Cataclysm," I've also made myself very hungry.

I'm sure I'll eventually buy the expansion - it will just be very hard in the interim. Every moment I spend without the expansion is one where I don't have my new worgen character. The worgen are a race of shape-shifting creatures with the ability to shift between human and werewolf at will. I realize this doesn't make them sound like anything besides any other cliche werewolf, but I assure you that they're quite different. These ones talk in British accents.

Yeah. I know. It's going to be a long month.