Don't Overdo It...

For those of you who didn't get my clever allusion in the last post, I'll be clearer - I recently asked my girlfriend of three years to marry me.

...Yes, she said yes.

In the lead-up I had a number of really amazing ideas of exactly how to propose. Many of which were incredibly nerdy. The majority of these may have also made her consider her answer much more carefully. Mercifully, I went with the classic "on one knee, asking" tactic.

No doubt, many people think of this as a betrayal of nerd ideals. First off, I was in trouble for actually dating a girl. To not propose in an over-the-top nerdy way is essentially blasphemy.

But - lest we forget - here are a few ways of asking that didn't or wouldn't go so well:

1) Mario Hacking - Several people have hacked their old "Mario" games to show marriage proposals in coins or blocks. I've seen three outcomes. One went okay. Another, the girl got pissed. The third, most hilariously, ended with the girl not noticing. Obviously, not always the way to go.

2) Pac-Man Hacking - At least one person has hacked his old Atari "Pac-Man" cartridge to pop the question. The problem? He programmed it for level 100. His girlfriend couldn't get past 10. And the icing on the cake? After she was furious he kept pushing her to play, he tried himself and couldn't reach it either.

A failure as a boyfriend and as a nerd.

3) Online Marriage - A nerd inspired his girlfriend to play "World of Warcraft" for a month. This was all a setup to his character eventually kneeling and proposing to hers. Unless your girlfriend is ridiculously into the game, too, this isn't nearly as romantic as you think. Especially with the follow-up that they should be married on the bridge leading into Stormwind.

You know, the secret bridge leading into the most populated city in the game where nobody would ever wander through their ceremony and making a scene.

4) Nerd Comic - As per "Penny Arcade," at least one gamer has proposed through a comic. This is actually pretty cute, assuming your girlfriend enjoys public displays. It's also far cuter if she says yes - otherwise, that would be a pretty devastating way to display your shame forever.

5) All-out Fail - Particularly out-of-touch nerds may get the "clever" idea to dress up as their favorite character and propose that way. To my knowledge, this has never happened. Then again, if I dressed up like Inuyasha and was shot down, I doubt I'd be spreading word around either.

Assuming this ever happened, I'm sure this secret died with the nerd's hopes of marriage.

So, as you can see, romance and nerds don't always mix well. If you've got an idea to pop the question and it seems too nerdy, you may want to reconsider. Like a proposal at a sporting event, it's really best to consider what the girl would think instead of random people on online forums.

A good rule of thumb - if you'd need to beat a video game or watch an entire anime series to understand your proposal, it's not a great idea.

Merry Christmas!

For Christmas this year, I thought I'd post in cliche:

'Twas the evening of Christmas and we all were sleeping,

To counteract the two days of huge overeating.

The stockings each look rather limp on the wall,

Now deprived of their filling - I got a huge haul.

Jess got me "Wacraft," as per my expectations,

Though I doubt she's considered the ramifications.

If you think of all of the time I'll be playing,

It's like buying her boyfriend a hooker - just saying.

As this rhyme scheme is quickly becoming a chore,

I think this is where I'll be cutting this short.

So I'll end with this message to nerds far and near:

"Merry Christmas to All...Cataclysm is here..."

Hopefully it was a good holiday for the rest of you. You'll have to let me know about all the fun stuff you got or consumed in bulk quantities. Until then, I think I've got another Christmas meal or two to make an appearance and lose my self-respect at, so I must be going.

Merry Christmas and Happy Nerding.

Missing Some Magic

I didn't think I've ever found caffeine as revolting as when it doesn't dance.

For the past month or so, I've been captivated by that dancing "Tassimo" robot. It dances and capers for you while preparing your coffee, and even asks what it can do for you. Every time I see our lazy motionless coffee maker sitting there, it makes me sick.

Despite my largely sedentary lifestyle, I'm surprisingly flamboyant, fun and prone to spurts of dancing. (Ask my girlfriend - or her therapist - to verify this.) But for whatever reason, when it came to furnishing my home, I decided to surround myself with cheap, non-dancing appliances. Go figure.

Granted, it's a gimmick. I know a dancing, talking coffee maker won't make my beverage taste better. I think my mornings are just missing a little magic that a polite capering robot could easily provide.

Worse still is that now I'm suddenly very aware of how motionless all my stuff is, and I hate it.

So, I'm left with two options. (This discounts the third option of "getting over it.") The first is to actually buy one, which would cost me several hundred dollars. The second - and this is the direction I'm leaning in thus far - is to find a way to make our current coffee maker dance. And, if there's time, I wouldn't hate it if he just did some general butler duties around the kitchen.

I'm not sure how exactly to go about the second option. Even if I could figure out some "Frosty the Snowman" magic hat situation to bring it to life, there are obvious faults with the plan. For one, giving my coffee maker life and free will sounds like the start of a robot killing spree movie.

For another, I'm not sure how much Christmas magic is around to spare, but I'm betting sad orphans probably get first dibs or something.

Nerdsgiving 2010!

Nerdsgiving went off without a hitch again this year. It was a time of fun, festivity and tolerance towards niche entertainment media such as anime, manga and video games. Judging by the blank expressions of the people who just read this paragraph, I feel I should explain.

Although I suspect its origins are much earlier, my girlfriend and I recently started celebrating Nerdsgiving last year. It's the one time of the year where we come together to do overly nerdy activities, no matter how weird they may be. For example, last year we watched the entire anime series "Akikan." Besides the fact that it was only in English subtitles, the plot involved fighting girls who transformed to and from cans of soda by being kissed for the purposes of determining whether aluminum or steel cans were superior.

That's not even a joke. That's the real plot summary of that series. But it does nicely illustrate my point - no matter how nerdy the anime, nothing is off-limits on Nerdsgiving.

In my relationship, I feel it's good exercise in compromise. Even if there are occasional scuffles over what we're watching on television, there are times when you just have to give up the remote. In mixed nerd and normal couples, there has to be a decent balance between video games and "Say Yes to the Dress."

Though, for the record, having a "Say Yes to the Dress" RPG would make everyone a lot happier.

This year, Jess and I enjoyed a marathon of science fiction movies and more mainstream anime. My eyes were a bit too tired to be reading through English subtitles. Not to mention, I think I had a hope we could watch something weird enough to top "Akikan." Sadly, as far as I know, nothing exists.

In any case, I wanted to bring the holiday to everyone's attention. For those interested in partaking in the festivities next year, all you need is a little junk food and some anime to watch. It traditionally occurs the weekend after Thanksgiving. It may span one or more days, depending on your personal tolerance and sleeping habits (or lack thereof).

So have fun, and Happy Nerdsgiving!

Things I Miss: World of Warcraft

My third year of college was - for all intents and purposes - one long game of "World of Warcraft." Somewhere between finding treasure and slaying things, I found time to pass my courses. At least, that's what my transcripts later said. I have no actual recollection of the classes that led to this fact.

That was my video game hayday. Since then, I really haven't found the time to be that obsessed about any game. "World of Warcraft" in particular, I haven't played in a long time. I'm convinced there's no way to play it except obsessively. Being in a relationship - not to mention needing to occasionally eat, sleep and shower - doesn't leave me time for such obsessions.

But there are definitely times I miss it. And why not? Everything in that game is so immediately rewarding. Killing something gives me gold. Finishing a quest gives me experience and items.

Real life is rarely so rewarding. Sure, I kill a lot of bugs and such, but the drops are lousy. And then I have to clean them up.

Even that snake didn't give me anything good.

With the next expansion pack looming, I'm tempted to get back into it. Though I would also be single within a few months, so maybe not. Of course, if I can convince Jess to play, all bets are off.

Conversation Collecting...

I just got back from the big Labor Day celebration. It was very fun. And very filling. At the best points, it was both.

Family get-togethers are always interesting for me. Because even though the years change, a lot of the questions stay the same from year to year. It's not anyone's fault - we just don't see each other enough to keep up-to-date on these sorts of things. So I tend to field these same five questions every year:

1. What are you doing for work lately?
This one, I probably dread the most. As I currently have nothing I would consider work in the technical sense (i.e. no one gives me money), it's never fun to answer. I think I rambled something about writing and then excused myself politely.

2. So...when are you and Jess going to get married?
Okay. I take it back. I dread this one the most. Luckily, no one asked about it this year. Which is good, because even when I know, I have to let Jess know first...

3. What do you think of this baseball season?
I'm not totally hopeless when it comes to sports. I could actually ramble on about football for some time. But for whatever reason, people are always asking me about the one sport I have no interest in. This year, I managed to slide away from that conversation before they really got into it. Thus, no one had to know how little I know about baseball. Are there still four bases? Cool.

4. How's college?
It's still there. I think. Beyond that, I have no idea - I graduated more than three years ago.

5. Give various reasons why "Cowboy Bebop" was an excellent anime.
So this really isn't a question. Also, it's never come up. But I wish it would. I have lots to say on the issue, if only someone would give me the chance. Then, of course, they'd regret it deeply...

Well, those were my Labor Day experiences. Hopefully everyone had fun in all the countries that celebrate that sort of thing. By my count, I think there's just the one, but who knows?

How were your big weekends?

The Wii Cycle

Some years ago, the Wii was announced. Immediately, it was seen as a way to get active, fight childhood obesity and secretly transform a generation of sedentary gamers into fitness machines. Today, I keep trying to find shortcuts to moving my entire arm to play.

Don’t get me wrong. What the Wii tried to do was as well-intentioned as it was revolutionary. It also ignored the fact that if video gamers were looking for a physical challenge, they probably wouldn’t be playing video games in the first place.

My first day with Wii Sports was crazy. I was running and jumping around. I was swinging my arms and diving into furniture. Of course, bowling doesn’t require any of these actions, but I was excited.

I bowled a 6, for the record.

Two years later, I get aggravated any time a game sneaks in motion controls. I bought the Wii for the novelty of movement. But I bought my couch for the novelty of remaining motionless except for my thumb and forefingers. And – to be fair – the couch was here first.

Now, I may be a bit lazier than most. But I doubt my story is totally unique. Is anyone else sick of the Wii trying to improve them as a person, or is it just me?

Though, the one upside is when my Wii warns me to use the wrist strap to keep from throwing my controller accidentally – that’s always good for a chuckle.

A Tool of a Thousand Uses...

Believe it or not, a relationship in mixed nerd/normal couple goes on without a lot of friction most days.

I've heard horror stories. I've even seen some particularly scary videos on YouTube displaying what happens when relationship dynamics get too badly out of balance. I won't go into great detail, but objects of value are thrown at walls, floors or boyfriends. The result is substantial emotional and physical damage.

Playing video games and watching anime has never been a huge problem for Jess. Besides the fact that she's into these things to some degree, I realize there are very set limits. Some boundaries can be nudged. Others should be avoided entirely. Sometimes I rely on subtle cues. When this fails, cries of, "If you watch one more episode of 'Cowboy Bebop,' I'm going to burn myself!" are enough to get the point across. Nerd behavior - like anything else - does not work in infinite doses.

Much of our bliss is also related to the fact that I stay out of the absolute worst nerd behaviors. Marathon play sessions of video games can be stomached. Collecting cards and figurines is more problematic.

Hence, this is why she doesn't have to worry about me buying giant replica swords and then trying to find a place for them. Much. For now.

As I have only my own situation to go by, I'm a little curious - how do your own relationships (friendship or romantic) play out when one of you is a nerd and the other isn't? Compromise? Combustion?

Do tell.

Hopefully, my enemies are stupid...

This is based on a future true story, so hopefully my girlfriend will be ready when the time comes.

If there's one thing I can't enough of, it's over-sized swords in anime and video games. The only downside is that the replicas are so horribly unwieldy. I suppose I could always implant myself with Jenovah cells like they did in the game to become a super soldier, but I seem to recall there were some side effects...

And not, like, those harmless headache-type things. I mean, like psychosis. And extremely spiky gelled hair.

Oh, and there's a poll up. What do you want to see more of on the blog? Please answer to the right.

Infomercial Pet Peeves

While it has its drawbacks, insomnia is like an all-access pass to the best of the best infomercials on television. This roughly puts it on par with the worst of any other part of television, but it's tough to be picky when so little else is on. Here are a few things that I've seen lately that got me thinking.

1. How often does this come up?
When it comes to cooking, I know my way around grilling, baking, boiling, broiling, chopping, slicing and dicing. Yet, in five years, I’ve never once had to use a knife sharp enough to cut through a car door. Even assuming I might, what are the chances that – in the next five seconds – I would still need a knife sharp enough to cut bread?

2. Was the old way really so bad?
Some, if not most, of the products offered are actually just improvements over current tools. Sometimes they make old products better. Other times, I’m left wondering if the old versions were as bad as they made them out to be. I’m still skeptical of that commercial that claims fans that chop my air and blow it on me are unsettling. If that was enough to ruin my day, I think therapy would be a better way to spend my money than a new, quieter fan.

3. How is that spokesman so peppy at 4am?
I realize it must be exciting to show the world your new revolution in cheese grating technology. But take a breath and calm down. That punctuation at the end of your sentences is called a “period” – and yes, stopping there is traditionally not optional.

4. Who sits in those audiences?
This is one of those great mysteries. What’s the system for choosing these people? Or does someone just stand outside a studio and awkwardly proposition passersby? “Excuse me. How would you like to come inside this windowless building and clap while someone yells at you about sharp objects?”

My theory involves luring in elderly people on hot days with the promise of a chair and air conditioning.

5. How much is this stuff worth?
Value is king in infomercials, but I have no idea how anyone is making any money. They cut prices. They knock off payments. And next thing you know, they’re offering a second set for free. If your stuff is so valuable, why are you pawning it off like stolen property from the back of your van?

6. …And why would anyone need two, anyway?
The majority of products are marketed as “the only one you’ll ever need.” In many cases, having one of these products is more than you’ll ever need. Of course, you could always give one to a friend. But this also suggests people who buy memory foam mattresses for their cat have friends.

7. Why do you think children are this stupid?
Apparently, actual toys in stores weren’t enough. At some point, out-of-touch adults started marketing new craft-type projects to equally out-of-touch great aunts who know nothing about kids. Decorating their picture frames with bendable color twists isn’t nearly as fun as the kids in the commercial make it out to be. After all, those children are being paid.

I assure you – your children would much rather stare quietly at the wall or possibly even do some light stone quarrying.

8. What school did you say you went to?
There are obvious dangers in using inferior products. And while I’m willing to admit your old knives may not cut bread as well as your new ones, that’s where I draw the line. Instead of buying new cutlery, would you consider just not putting all your weight on the loaf and having a seizure?

And maybe all that fruit would fit in your old, small-mouthed juicer if you stopped trying to shove a banana in sideways.

9. Won’t I still need these things?
A good tactic to sell something is showing everything you already own that it can replace. To some extent, I believe it. Other times, I’m skeptical. Those new stackable storage bins look really nice and all, but I’m not sure I should “throw out my bulky, useless closets.”

10. Why is there always more?
At thirty minutes apiece, most infomercials aren’t too long. Still, why do I have to wait all the way until the end to hear how low they’re bringing the price down? If I’m the kind of person who desperately needs a “Shamwow” at 5am, do you really think I need a price cut and a second set for free?

I’m betting the people who consider spill emergencies like this at this hour of the morning probably don’t need the extra incentive to buy anything.

Do you have any favorites/pet peeves?

Comic 4: Lost in Translation

Mixed nerd/normal couples face daily struggles like this.

Science Fiction Pet Peeves

So I was recently collaborating on a list of my biggest science fiction pet peeves with my girlfriend. This was the result. Depending on which of us you like better, you can assume either I or my girlfriend came up with the funniest ones.

1. Why do non-humans fall in love with humans?
The biological argument aside – stuff doesn’t try to mate with different stuff – this one is just plain icky. It’s like that monkey woman kissing Marky Mark in “Planet of the Apes.” That was unsettling. If Hollywood has deemed it wrong to show unattractive people kissing in movies, why are we so frequently accosted by people making out with other species?

2. Why does everything humans create want to kill us?
It never fails. The minute we make a robot or human hybrid or perfect creature, it goes crazy and starts munching on the science team. Why haven’t scientists learned their lesson by now? Anyone who doesn’t understand that our creations will inevitably come to hate their maker has, apparently, never raised a teenager.

3. Why is that woman who voices the self-destruct countdown such a bitch?
As crew members flee to escape pods, she casually counts down in monotone robotic voice. You’d think they would have programmed her to be a bit more sympathetic or something. Like, “The ship will self-destruct in two minutes…and I feel super bad about it.”

4. Why do alien super-weapons have such moronic weaknesses?
So the Death Star in “Star Wars” was pretty much the scariest thing in the Universe. But it was built with an exhaust port wide enough to put a bomb into. Is there some reason it needed an exhaust in the first place? “Oh, we need an exhaust or else it will run really loud when we gun it.” I guess then it wouldn’t have passed inspection or something.

5. Why does anyone with military training die while weaklings survive until the end?
Every movie seems to end with one grown-up and one small child surviving. Somehow, the raptors or zombies or aliens were able to bring down a fully-armored tank. But this child manages to survive. Absent of the fact that children are slower, weaker and can’t fight off enemies, everyone knows that they’re the most delicious of all people. They would be, like, a monster magnet.

6. How did aliens develop space travel without learning how to recycle?
The fact that alien races would want to steal our resources doesn’t bother me. What annoys me is that, even though they developed the technology to cross galaxies in minutes, they never developed a simple plastic recycle bin. Why does that invention always seem to elude their vast intellects?

7. Why do communications suck in the future?
Those holographic phones in “Star Wars” are cool and all, but there are two problems. One, why can the image only be in light blue? And two, why is it always flickering? I don’t know who’s providing long distance service to the Galaxy, but they need to fix their network. Though, I’d settle for a cheap Internet bundle or something.

(Note: Yes, I’m aware that “Star Wars” technically happened in the past – please don’t point this out.)

8. Why are humans always the stupidest creatures in the Universe?
It’s not good for my ego to keep watching these movies. Humans are consistently the least intelligent race anywhere. I’m sick of being the “greedy and war-like species with primitive space technology.” Let’s give some credit where credit is due. Earth invented both “The Dark Knight” and Cool Ranch Doritos. Suck on it, Vulcans.

9. Why does the escape route never go around the aliens?
Why can’t we just go out this back way? No. We have to take the way through the haunted flaming ruins. If we follow that, it will take us to the rickety bridge over the spike pits. And then, after a quick dip in spicy chipotle lime marinade, we make our way through the largest alien nest in the Universe to find the missing part to our ship.

10. Why does the military wear armor when it doesn’t do anything?
“Star Wars” should have been a big wake-up call for armor crafters. Did you ever see a Storm Trooper survive any blaster shot? Never. In fact, the only person I recall ever surviving was Leia, who was shot in the leg while wearing only a light jacket.

Those are my pet peeves – what are some of yours?

Comic 1: Southern Discomforts

Sadly, this is based on a true story...