Comic 6: Genius is Subjective

I had meaner stuff to say about scrapbookers, but I held off. I have this fear that everyone secretly does this and just never told me about it. Though, to be fair, I think even scrapbook fans can agree they've never needed to finish one in under a minute. Who are these products for?

Comic 5: Obesity is the Mother of Invention

Keep in mind these figures aren't based on actual physical research - I just imagine this is what scientists would probably be complaining about.

Comic 4: Lost in Translation

Mixed nerd/normal couples face daily struggles like this.

Preview: "Step Up 3D"

 
The Story
This movie follows the tale of Luke and Natalie as they meet up with someone named Moose. According to various synopses I’ve read, this is the bulk of the preview. It gives no detail on these people, though I’d imagine the first two people are some sort of love interest. Moose, I’m guessing, is either a nickname, or evidence his parents hated him.

Somehow – it doesn’t come up in the synopses – their dance crew comes into competition with the best people from all over the world. It also adds that it will change their lives forever. It’s a pretty standard summary for “Step Up” movies, not to mention any number of frightening German folktales used to keep children out of forests.

I have no real insight into this movie’s plot, as the previews are just thirty seconds of that guy bobbing his head and people spinning.

Why It’s Bad
In no way do I mean to insult dancing itself. For the record, I think dance is an amazing form of personal expression. This is especially true if most of your feelings involve hip hop music and windmills.

The six or seven dance crew movies that have come out, however, have been mostly terrible. If I had to venture a guess – and I do love venturing things – I’d say the problem is probably that these movies don’t try to work in a plot around all the dance moves. While the result is visually dazzling – even more to people with no sense of rhythm – the stories and characters are boring. Most of these movies end up being as fun to viewers as a burn from a cigarette lighter.

This movie’s only attempt to separate itself from the pack is being in 3D. How will this enhance your movie going experience? It won’t – but you will have less money once you leave the ticket counter.

Why It’s Even Worse
People dancing for two hours with no sense of storyline, I can handle. What I can’t figure out is why these movies keep trying to attach weird significance to dancing. This is shown by this paraphrased line from the movie. I will write it, followed by a long shower.

“One move can change the world.”

No significant event in all of history has been solved through dancing, let alone one move. Ideas like this are dangerous, in that they are very, very stupid. Frankly, every time I read that line again, it makes me want to cut myself…then others.

Dancing doesn’t need to be some weird metaphor for the battle between good and evil. Why can’t it just be about the competition? Why does dance have to decide the fate of our immortal souls in these movies?

The Bottom Line
If you’re a fan of dance, you’ll probably be impressed by some of the moves. From the previews alone, I’m pretty sure none of these dancers have any bones. I am both impressed and horrified by some of things I saw them do.

Overall, though, I’m guessing it won’t be worth many people’s time and hard-earned money. Hopefully it will send a message to the moviemakers that we need a little substance in our movies. Like, wouldn’t it be cool if we had some drummers? And they were in a line or something?

The Rating
As this is a preview, I can’t pass final judgment on this movie. But I wouldn’t expect a lot from it. When this lands in theaters, you’ll probably hear it echo with all the empty seats.

Getting the Most from Telemarketing

There is a saying that “from crisis comes opportunity.” While it was probably some obtuse metaphor about just not being a wuss, it’s something we can apply to many aspects of life. For example, many will see a call from a telemarketer as an annoyance. But within the annoyance are many opportunities for personal amusement and, occasionally, free services.

1. Language Transfer
Most telemarketers will happily transfer you to someone who speaks better English than they do. But why stop there? Do they have someone that can speak Spanish? French? Dutch? Once you’ve exhausted the normal languages, try more difficult transfers, like, “Connect me with someone who speaks in broken English.” Or, “Transfer me to someone who sounds like Justin Bieber.”

2. Free Therapy
Startling research has shown that many practicing therapists have no license in psychology. Scary? Maybe. But it also means that any given stranger is fine to tell your problems to. Telemarketers are an easy choice, since they’re already paid to listen to what you have to say and respond accordingly. They may not be too keen on the idea at first, but frankly, you’re really in no shape to change long distance carriers until you’ve dealt with your “middle child” issues anyway.

3. Relentless Innuendo
If the telemarketer is really rubbing you the wrong way, consider rubbing them back in a worse way. For those without the creativity to make financial services sound dirty – and you’re in the minority – there are easier ways. Just repeat back whatever they just offered you in a deeper voice and you’re well on your way to becoming a troubling human resources complaint.

4. Disturbing Questions
Any salesman is expected to be an expert in his field. But why ask easy questions about his carpet cleaning service? Instead, ask things like, “Can it clean human blood?” Or, “If you turn your machines up to full, will it drown out the voices?” If they interrupt a meal, consider asking questions totally unrelated to their product, like, “How does Chinese water torture work?”

5. Bargaining
It’s an unwritten rule that many companies are willing to negotiate their terms. A good bargainer might get a lower interest rate on a loan or a smaller monthly payment. A great negotiator, however, might get them to throw in a free car wash every week, or a free tray of mini muffins. Be creative. If the person on the phone seems hesitant to offer you a backrub to make the sale, just ask how much he really wants your business.

6. Adopt a Persona
With the same people day in and day out, telemarketers must get bored. To spice up their day, play a character during your conversation. Homemaker with two children? Dull. Retired cop on the edge whose daughter was killed by the last serial killer he put behind bars? Now that’s something they’ll be talking about around the water cooler.

7. Religious Undertones
Try to bring any topic of conversation back to religion. Of course, the telemarketer may not enjoy this, but this person probably didn’t consider your feelings when they called either. Loans and credit cards are probably the easiest. “You know, Jesus paid for your sins in full, with zero percent interest.”

If you’re good, the sky’s the limit for telemarketing calls. Then again, either way, doing any one of these things at least ensures a quick hang-up on the other line. Plus, if you’re disturbing enough, there’s a good chance you’ll end up on a “Do Not Call” list without even asking.

Science Fiction Pet Peeves

So I was recently collaborating on a list of my biggest science fiction pet peeves with my girlfriend. This was the result. Depending on which of us you like better, you can assume either I or my girlfriend came up with the funniest ones.

1. Why do non-humans fall in love with humans?
The biological argument aside – stuff doesn’t try to mate with different stuff – this one is just plain icky. It’s like that monkey woman kissing Marky Mark in “Planet of the Apes.” That was unsettling. If Hollywood has deemed it wrong to show unattractive people kissing in movies, why are we so frequently accosted by people making out with other species?

2. Why does everything humans create want to kill us?
It never fails. The minute we make a robot or human hybrid or perfect creature, it goes crazy and starts munching on the science team. Why haven’t scientists learned their lesson by now? Anyone who doesn’t understand that our creations will inevitably come to hate their maker has, apparently, never raised a teenager.

3. Why is that woman who voices the self-destruct countdown such a bitch?
As crew members flee to escape pods, she casually counts down in monotone robotic voice. You’d think they would have programmed her to be a bit more sympathetic or something. Like, “The ship will self-destruct in two minutes…and I feel super bad about it.”

4. Why do alien super-weapons have such moronic weaknesses?
So the Death Star in “Star Wars” was pretty much the scariest thing in the Universe. But it was built with an exhaust port wide enough to put a bomb into. Is there some reason it needed an exhaust in the first place? “Oh, we need an exhaust or else it will run really loud when we gun it.” I guess then it wouldn’t have passed inspection or something.

5. Why does anyone with military training die while weaklings survive until the end?
Every movie seems to end with one grown-up and one small child surviving. Somehow, the raptors or zombies or aliens were able to bring down a fully-armored tank. But this child manages to survive. Absent of the fact that children are slower, weaker and can’t fight off enemies, everyone knows that they’re the most delicious of all people. They would be, like, a monster magnet.

6. How did aliens develop space travel without learning how to recycle?
The fact that alien races would want to steal our resources doesn’t bother me. What annoys me is that, even though they developed the technology to cross galaxies in minutes, they never developed a simple plastic recycle bin. Why does that invention always seem to elude their vast intellects?

7. Why do communications suck in the future?
Those holographic phones in “Star Wars” are cool and all, but there are two problems. One, why can the image only be in light blue? And two, why is it always flickering? I don’t know who’s providing long distance service to the Galaxy, but they need to fix their network. Though, I’d settle for a cheap Internet bundle or something.

(Note: Yes, I’m aware that “Star Wars” technically happened in the past – please don’t point this out.)

8. Why are humans always the stupidest creatures in the Universe?
It’s not good for my ego to keep watching these movies. Humans are consistently the least intelligent race anywhere. I’m sick of being the “greedy and war-like species with primitive space technology.” Let’s give some credit where credit is due. Earth invented both “The Dark Knight” and Cool Ranch Doritos. Suck on it, Vulcans.

9. Why does the escape route never go around the aliens?
Why can’t we just go out this back way? No. We have to take the way through the haunted flaming ruins. If we follow that, it will take us to the rickety bridge over the spike pits. And then, after a quick dip in spicy chipotle lime marinade, we make our way through the largest alien nest in the Universe to find the missing part to our ship.

10. Why does the military wear armor when it doesn’t do anything?
“Star Wars” should have been a big wake-up call for armor crafters. Did you ever see a Storm Trooper survive any blaster shot? Never. In fact, the only person I recall ever surviving was Leia, who was shot in the leg while wearing only a light jacket.

Those are my pet peeves – what are some of yours?

Comic 3: Nocturnal Activities

It was just as well. Shelby is a Miniature Schnauzer. Any armor made from her would have crummy stats.

Comic 2: A Matter of Perspective

I really have no idea what to say about the situation, as I never saw that movie.

Comic 1: Southern Discomforts

Sadly, this is based on a true story...

Seven Habits of Highly Unemployed People

Hard work, dedication and a game plan – these are three things you’ll have to avoid entirely if you have no plans on ever reentering the workforce.

Anyone can be jobless. Even in a good economy, losing your job is as simple as having a few drinks at the company Christmas party and needing to prove to your boss that you’re a “big man.” Still, few people can truly find a state of permanent and blissful “unemployment.”

Here are seven tips on avoiding the daily grind:

#1: Change your Way of Thinking
A lot of your friends, family and most societies throughout the world will look down on you for not working. You can’t get caught up in ideas like that. Viewing life as a constant need to move upward is known as “vertical thinking.” You need to use “horizontal thinking.” In fact, while you’re at it, start doing everything horizontally – sleeping, eating and watching television are all good starts.

#2: Find Time for Yourself
It’s easy to lose personal focus when you have so many lives of daytime television characters to worry yourself about. But the free time during unemployment is the perfect time for self-discovery. Luckily, it’s much easier to find something when it’s always on the couch, right where you left it.

#3: Stay Busy
Most people don’t know what to do with themselves while not employed. The trick is to find one project every day to complete. A good suggestion is spending at least three hours each morning growing a very untidy beard. Mustaches are easy. But a scruffy, ninth-grader beard is your way of saying, “Even if I accidentally walked into a job interview, my appearance alone would keep me out of a job.”

#4: Get Your Rest
Between barely moving, not doing laundry and refreshing your Facebook homepage, it can be hard to find time for proper rest. Sleep is important for maintaining your health and vitality. There’s no set rule for how many hours you should get a day. If you’re having trouble with it, try sleeping until you no longer have a sense of the passage of night and day.

#5: Manage Your Personal Ties
Once you stop working, it might be tricky to keep your relationships in order. This is a good start, as friends and family tend to complicate joblessness. They keep asking questions like, “When are going to go back to work?” or “Get out of my basement.”

Truly alienating your closest friends, however, will take more skill. They’ve stuck by you for years and may be hard to get rid of. To complete the task, be sure to repeatedly tell them how difficult it is to sit in a bathrobe for twenty-two hours a day. For extra effect, always point out how happy you are that it’s “finally the weekend.”

#6: Create Clever Titles
Some jobless people can’t get over negative titles like “unemployed.” That’s why you’ll need to think of new ways to label yourself. Do you criticize commercials out loud? “Marketing consultant.” Do you spend all day ogling attractive female characters in “World of Warcraft?” “Human resources analyst.”

Failing any of that, “freelance writer” is always a safe bet.

#7: Keep Things Fresh
Despite all the perks and easy lifestyle involved in not having a job, it will eventually get tiresome. Just remember that variety is the spice of life – or lack of one. There’s lot of ways to pass the time while not technically adding anything to society. Spend some time in Starbucks “writing your novel” so everyone can see it. Nurse the same one-dollar item at a fast food restaurant for eight hours. Make that “Bionic Man” noise whenever you get off the couch or go to the bathroom.

Review: "Eclipse"

The Story
In “Eclipse,” we continue the surprisingly normal romance between vampire Edward and living, breathing and apparently delicious Bella.

Their normal high school lives are ruined when Victoria – also vampire and sometimes bitch – decides to raise an army of the undead to kill them. The Cullens must enlist the help of their werewolf enemies to stand a chance. In the end, this is all rendered pointless, as Jasper Cullen is a one-vampire wrecking crew who unleashes sparkly hurt on his enemies.

Along the way, there is a tense love triangle between Edward, Bella and Jacob. As Bella becomes more and more wishy-washy, the men in her life come closer to conflict. It’s only a matter of time before Edward’s eyebrows do battle with Jacob’s continuously-exposed abs.

Can they put aside their fairly superficial differences and save the tiny town of Forks?

Why It’s Good
One word: Jasper.

Wow. Out of the three movies so far, this was the one most clearly trying to appeal to men. Sure, it was still a romance, but it was also really, really violent. This is easily the most violent romance since “The Notebook Versus Predator.”

Granted, your Y-Chromosome might be lonely in the theaters. I understand the fear that seeing this movie will be a blow to your masculinity. I defend that any movie with this much vampire-limb-ripping is hard to classify as a “chick flick.”

If it is, I seriously need to check out “Pride and Prejudice” – I bet Mr. Darcy messes up some people.

Why It’s Not
One word: Bella.

I’d hate to be stuck behind this girl in line at a fast food restaurant, because she can’t make a decision. Everyone had to deal with her indecisiveness through two movies. Enough is enough. Edward has the time to wait – he’s immortal, after all. As for the rest of us, we’re really going to need her decide on one of the guys during this lifetime.

Other minor problems revolved around some of the acting and a few pacing issues. Overall, I left the theater feeling more annoyed by the clapping girls in the back than the movie itself. But as much as I’d like to, I can’t blame the movie for its rabid fans.

Though, I am a bit curious why a series that’s grossed a few trillion dollars by now can’t afford to buy Taylor Lautner a shirt.

The Bottom Line
I think it was a worthwhile watch. But I admit most people have probably already decided on these movies. The ones who like it would probably stick it out, regardless. The people who hate it probably wouldn’t see it if they offered free sex at the door.

As for the overly-obsessive, creepy fans, well, I’m sure I’ll hear you clapping and cheering in the back during “Breaking Dawn.”

The Rating
I give it a sparkly 8/10.

Survival Guide: Fussy Child at Restaurant

Between family and married friends, there’s a good chance you’ll end up in this situation sometime in your life. While your own children would be easy enough to deal with, it can often be awkward to discipline other people’s kids. This means a potentially ruined meal. As most upscale restaurants have entrees starting at the price of a private jet, this is unacceptable.

Of course, you have the option to simply tolerate it or walk out – collectively known as “wuss tactics.”

Those of us with a spine, however, may opt for more drastic measures. These can range anywhere from a gentle scolding to a low-degree felony. While I can’t rightly condone violence, I’m also not naïve enough to claim it doesn’t get good results.

Stage One: Make the Child and Parent Aware
Some fussy children don’t mean to misbehave. They may simply need to be made aware that their behavior is improper. It may also remind an absentee parent to put down their iced tea, grow a pair and dole out some discipline.

Stage Two: Attempt to Correct the Behavior
Entering this stage means that both the child and parent have been made aware of the problem and have no interest in correcting it. As far as I’m concerned, not dealing with a fussy child is a tacit agreement that others may step in and discipline them for you. As this argument may not hold up in court, try your best to be gentle.

Stage Three: Be a Bigger Dick than the Child
As bad behavior escalates, it will become clear that you may have to leave your zone of comfort a bit. At times, it’s best to deal with the problem head on rather than beating around the bush. Gently remind the child that – while you have no intention of harming them – you probably could. Pray the child behaves at this stage, as later stages may result in scarring – both physically and mentally.

Stage Four: Resort to Drastic Measures
By this point, it should be clear that the parent is visiting their own fantasy world and has no plans to return to deal with their offspring. In their place, you must deal with the problem yourself. Depending on how you react, it may be best to find an escape route first.

Final Stage: Vengeance
Eventually, it’s not even about stopping the bad behavior anymore. Sadly, solving the problem in this way will undoubtedly lead to jail time. But rest assured, the others on your cell block probably won’t mess with you when they hear what you did.

If you take one thing from this, it should probably be to keep an eye on your own fussy child. People paid for a nice night out, just like you. Consider this before you let your little one kick and scream for an entire meal because they don’t like the way their sandwich was cut.

Of course, if that’s not incentive enough to be a good parent, remember that if you don’t discipline your child, someone else probably will.