Video Game Pet Peeves

I've been playing video games since the Atari 2600. Graphically, things have improved quite a bit since then, but oddly enough, developers are still mucking up a lot of the same stuff, too. Over the past ten to fifteen years, here are the things that have been annoying me the most.

Developers, please take a memo on these and try to fix them before games hit the super-futuristic stage like in "Tron" - the only thing worse than sucking is being immersed in a 3D world of sucking.

1. Worthless Characters
In fighting games, a long character list means a good chance that one will match your fighting style. For example, is your style being slow and doing no damage at all? Then you should play as Peach in “Super Smash Bros. Brawl.” Luckily, you have the option of just avoiding her altogether, but they could have filled her spot with – I don’t know – a fighter or something. Zero Suit Samus might dress like a whore, but at least she kicks the butt to back it up.

More evidence Peach was worthless – her ultimate attack was to create fruit. It does exactly as much damage as you might guess. None.

2. Excessively Convoluted Plots
The “Metal Gear Solid” series is a lot of fun. Its plot is also so thick that I’m not sure whether I won or lost when I killed the last boss. I swear that storyline was so obtuse you’d need a PhD to sort it all out. At a certain point in games, I just want someone to be bad and have a sword or gun to kill him.

3. Convenient Item Locations
“The Legend of Zelda” games are famous for this. Why is it that there just so happens to be an ice wall six feet from the treasure chest with the Fire Wand to melt it? Just once, to mess with my head, I’d like to open that chest and find an Ice Wand in there.

4. Repetitive Sounds
Back in the land of 16-bit goodness, there was a little game called “Streets of Rage 3.” Whether or not the game was fun, I don’t recall. Mostly, my brothers and I just did the special attacks to hear an irritating symphony of grating, poorly-recorded voices yell, “Power up!” and “Bare knuckle!” I don’t think I could bring myself to beat that game until I just muted the television.

That game, however, does get bonus points for having a secret code to play as a fighting kangaroo. That’s not even a joke. Go look it up.

5. Limited Soundtrack
Similar to repeating sound effects was the game that only had one song – “Tetris.” Play all you want. Either way, there’s no way to finish that game or song. It just loops forever. In fact, I haven’t played that game in ten years and I can still hear it playing in my head.

6. Random Battles
Whether or not you realize it, any RPG you play only has about five hours of content. Why does it take fifty hours to beat, you ask? Random battles. Depending on the game, you’ll be fighting one somewhere between every two minutes and every two steps. It’s a nice way to extend the experience. It also ensures that, once you’ve taken down the final boss, you back your vehicle repeatedly over the game disc as an act of revenge.

7. Endless Identical Sequels
To me, a sequel advances an ongoing storyline. What I don’t want is a series of games that are pretty much the same, but I have to buy each one. “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai” or whatever was fine. There was no need for “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai 2” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi Tortellini.” You can add as many random incomprehensible words as you want to the end. You’re not going to make it any better – you’re just going to run out of room on the game box.

8. Revamping Old Characters
I realize that certain characters need to be updated with the times. But I think some characters should just be left alone. Did you know there’s a game coming out called “Epic Mickey?” The point is that it’s Mickey Mouse during his more rebellious days, running around and causing mischief. If nothing else, the game’s idiotic premise has saved me the trouble of needing to make an actual joke here.

9. Messing with a Working Formula
I played what seems like a few dozen “Sonic the Hedgehog” games when I was younger. It was usually as simple as holding the “right” button and jumping once or twice a level. That was fun for me. The latest games are in 3D and, although the high-speed formula worked for a decade, they’ve completely abandoned fast-paced action. For some reason, I picked up one where Sonic was holding a broadsword. Don’t like that? Well, in another one, you can turn into a werewolf. Is that better?

It worked before. Why change it? This would be like tomorrow deciding fire is a bad way to cook food and just switching to heating it by throwing it at the wall over and over.

10. Inappropriate Fun
Don’t get me wrong – fun is fun. But some games weren’t fun when played the way they were intended. I still remember that I only played hockey and football games for the off chance of giving someone a career-ending injury. And I’m not sure what the actual point was of “Pilotwings,” but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to plow my plane into the ground at the highest possible speed imaginable.

Then again, I don’t read instruction manuals, so you never know…

What are some of the things that irk you most about video games of the past or present?

Splitting Hairs

I've been seeing a lot of commercials lately for new razors. I don't know the specifics. But apparently, my old razor (which was made by the same company, mind you) causes irritating "tug and pull." This is odd, because a year ago, my old razor was the pinnacle of human advancement.

I realize technology improves over time. I also realize that things often aren't as bad as companies make them out to be. If I believed what the commercials were saying, I've spent the past three years dragging a damp cat across my face.

Which is a vast improvement over five years ago, when "Gillette" says I was shaving with a handful of jagged glass and sharp rocks.

But there's just as much problem with the new models. How much better can shaving really get? Those blades are already half the thickness of a strand of DNA. Any thinner, and my stubble will be cutting through it instead of the other way around.

I'm not sold. And I'd advise you to not believe the hype either. No matter what the commercials claim, I highly doubt their new razor is like splashing a handful of rainbows on my face and hugging a unicorn.

Nor would I want it to be - weren't men supposed to be...manly?

Infomercial Pet Peeves

While it has its drawbacks, insomnia is like an all-access pass to the best of the best infomercials on television. This roughly puts it on par with the worst of any other part of television, but it's tough to be picky when so little else is on. Here are a few things that I've seen lately that got me thinking.

1. How often does this come up?
When it comes to cooking, I know my way around grilling, baking, boiling, broiling, chopping, slicing and dicing. Yet, in five years, I’ve never once had to use a knife sharp enough to cut through a car door. Even assuming I might, what are the chances that – in the next five seconds – I would still need a knife sharp enough to cut bread?

2. Was the old way really so bad?
Some, if not most, of the products offered are actually just improvements over current tools. Sometimes they make old products better. Other times, I’m left wondering if the old versions were as bad as they made them out to be. I’m still skeptical of that commercial that claims fans that chop my air and blow it on me are unsettling. If that was enough to ruin my day, I think therapy would be a better way to spend my money than a new, quieter fan.

3. How is that spokesman so peppy at 4am?
I realize it must be exciting to show the world your new revolution in cheese grating technology. But take a breath and calm down. That punctuation at the end of your sentences is called a “period” – and yes, stopping there is traditionally not optional.

4. Who sits in those audiences?
This is one of those great mysteries. What’s the system for choosing these people? Or does someone just stand outside a studio and awkwardly proposition passersby? “Excuse me. How would you like to come inside this windowless building and clap while someone yells at you about sharp objects?”

My theory involves luring in elderly people on hot days with the promise of a chair and air conditioning.

5. How much is this stuff worth?
Value is king in infomercials, but I have no idea how anyone is making any money. They cut prices. They knock off payments. And next thing you know, they’re offering a second set for free. If your stuff is so valuable, why are you pawning it off like stolen property from the back of your van?

6. …And why would anyone need two, anyway?
The majority of products are marketed as “the only one you’ll ever need.” In many cases, having one of these products is more than you’ll ever need. Of course, you could always give one to a friend. But this also suggests people who buy memory foam mattresses for their cat have friends.

7. Why do you think children are this stupid?
Apparently, actual toys in stores weren’t enough. At some point, out-of-touch adults started marketing new craft-type projects to equally out-of-touch great aunts who know nothing about kids. Decorating their picture frames with bendable color twists isn’t nearly as fun as the kids in the commercial make it out to be. After all, those children are being paid.

I assure you – your children would much rather stare quietly at the wall or possibly even do some light stone quarrying.

8. What school did you say you went to?
There are obvious dangers in using inferior products. And while I’m willing to admit your old knives may not cut bread as well as your new ones, that’s where I draw the line. Instead of buying new cutlery, would you consider just not putting all your weight on the loaf and having a seizure?

And maybe all that fruit would fit in your old, small-mouthed juicer if you stopped trying to shove a banana in sideways.

9. Won’t I still need these things?
A good tactic to sell something is showing everything you already own that it can replace. To some extent, I believe it. Other times, I’m skeptical. Those new stackable storage bins look really nice and all, but I’m not sure I should “throw out my bulky, useless closets.”

10. Why is there always more?
At thirty minutes apiece, most infomercials aren’t too long. Still, why do I have to wait all the way until the end to hear how low they’re bringing the price down? If I’m the kind of person who desperately needs a “Shamwow” at 5am, do you really think I need a price cut and a second set for free?

I’m betting the people who consider spill emergencies like this at this hour of the morning probably don’t need the extra incentive to buy anything.

Do you have any favorites/pet peeves?

Science Fiction Pet Peeves

So I was recently collaborating on a list of my biggest science fiction pet peeves with my girlfriend. This was the result. Depending on which of us you like better, you can assume either I or my girlfriend came up with the funniest ones.

1. Why do non-humans fall in love with humans?
The biological argument aside – stuff doesn’t try to mate with different stuff – this one is just plain icky. It’s like that monkey woman kissing Marky Mark in “Planet of the Apes.” That was unsettling. If Hollywood has deemed it wrong to show unattractive people kissing in movies, why are we so frequently accosted by people making out with other species?

2. Why does everything humans create want to kill us?
It never fails. The minute we make a robot or human hybrid or perfect creature, it goes crazy and starts munching on the science team. Why haven’t scientists learned their lesson by now? Anyone who doesn’t understand that our creations will inevitably come to hate their maker has, apparently, never raised a teenager.

3. Why is that woman who voices the self-destruct countdown such a bitch?
As crew members flee to escape pods, she casually counts down in monotone robotic voice. You’d think they would have programmed her to be a bit more sympathetic or something. Like, “The ship will self-destruct in two minutes…and I feel super bad about it.”

4. Why do alien super-weapons have such moronic weaknesses?
So the Death Star in “Star Wars” was pretty much the scariest thing in the Universe. But it was built with an exhaust port wide enough to put a bomb into. Is there some reason it needed an exhaust in the first place? “Oh, we need an exhaust or else it will run really loud when we gun it.” I guess then it wouldn’t have passed inspection or something.

5. Why does anyone with military training die while weaklings survive until the end?
Every movie seems to end with one grown-up and one small child surviving. Somehow, the raptors or zombies or aliens were able to bring down a fully-armored tank. But this child manages to survive. Absent of the fact that children are slower, weaker and can’t fight off enemies, everyone knows that they’re the most delicious of all people. They would be, like, a monster magnet.

6. How did aliens develop space travel without learning how to recycle?
The fact that alien races would want to steal our resources doesn’t bother me. What annoys me is that, even though they developed the technology to cross galaxies in minutes, they never developed a simple plastic recycle bin. Why does that invention always seem to elude their vast intellects?

7. Why do communications suck in the future?
Those holographic phones in “Star Wars” are cool and all, but there are two problems. One, why can the image only be in light blue? And two, why is it always flickering? I don’t know who’s providing long distance service to the Galaxy, but they need to fix their network. Though, I’d settle for a cheap Internet bundle or something.

(Note: Yes, I’m aware that “Star Wars” technically happened in the past – please don’t point this out.)

8. Why are humans always the stupidest creatures in the Universe?
It’s not good for my ego to keep watching these movies. Humans are consistently the least intelligent race anywhere. I’m sick of being the “greedy and war-like species with primitive space technology.” Let’s give some credit where credit is due. Earth invented both “The Dark Knight” and Cool Ranch Doritos. Suck on it, Vulcans.

9. Why does the escape route never go around the aliens?
Why can’t we just go out this back way? No. We have to take the way through the haunted flaming ruins. If we follow that, it will take us to the rickety bridge over the spike pits. And then, after a quick dip in spicy chipotle lime marinade, we make our way through the largest alien nest in the Universe to find the missing part to our ship.

10. Why does the military wear armor when it doesn’t do anything?
“Star Wars” should have been a big wake-up call for armor crafters. Did you ever see a Storm Trooper survive any blaster shot? Never. In fact, the only person I recall ever surviving was Leia, who was shot in the leg while wearing only a light jacket.

Those are my pet peeves – what are some of yours?