Missing Some Magic

I didn't think I've ever found caffeine as revolting as when it doesn't dance.

For the past month or so, I've been captivated by that dancing "Tassimo" robot. It dances and capers for you while preparing your coffee, and even asks what it can do for you. Every time I see our lazy motionless coffee maker sitting there, it makes me sick.

Despite my largely sedentary lifestyle, I'm surprisingly flamboyant, fun and prone to spurts of dancing. (Ask my girlfriend - or her therapist - to verify this.) But for whatever reason, when it came to furnishing my home, I decided to surround myself with cheap, non-dancing appliances. Go figure.

Granted, it's a gimmick. I know a dancing, talking coffee maker won't make my beverage taste better. I think my mornings are just missing a little magic that a polite capering robot could easily provide.

Worse still is that now I'm suddenly very aware of how motionless all my stuff is, and I hate it.

So, I'm left with two options. (This discounts the third option of "getting over it.") The first is to actually buy one, which would cost me several hundred dollars. The second - and this is the direction I'm leaning in thus far - is to find a way to make our current coffee maker dance. And, if there's time, I wouldn't hate it if he just did some general butler duties around the kitchen.

I'm not sure how exactly to go about the second option. Even if I could figure out some "Frosty the Snowman" magic hat situation to bring it to life, there are obvious faults with the plan. For one, giving my coffee maker life and free will sounds like the start of a robot killing spree movie.

For another, I'm not sure how much Christmas magic is around to spare, but I'm betting sad orphans probably get first dibs or something.

Preview: "Step Up 3D"

 
The Story
This movie follows the tale of Luke and Natalie as they meet up with someone named Moose. According to various synopses I’ve read, this is the bulk of the preview. It gives no detail on these people, though I’d imagine the first two people are some sort of love interest. Moose, I’m guessing, is either a nickname, or evidence his parents hated him.

Somehow – it doesn’t come up in the synopses – their dance crew comes into competition with the best people from all over the world. It also adds that it will change their lives forever. It’s a pretty standard summary for “Step Up” movies, not to mention any number of frightening German folktales used to keep children out of forests.

I have no real insight into this movie’s plot, as the previews are just thirty seconds of that guy bobbing his head and people spinning.

Why It’s Bad
In no way do I mean to insult dancing itself. For the record, I think dance is an amazing form of personal expression. This is especially true if most of your feelings involve hip hop music and windmills.

The six or seven dance crew movies that have come out, however, have been mostly terrible. If I had to venture a guess – and I do love venturing things – I’d say the problem is probably that these movies don’t try to work in a plot around all the dance moves. While the result is visually dazzling – even more to people with no sense of rhythm – the stories and characters are boring. Most of these movies end up being as fun to viewers as a burn from a cigarette lighter.

This movie’s only attempt to separate itself from the pack is being in 3D. How will this enhance your movie going experience? It won’t – but you will have less money once you leave the ticket counter.

Why It’s Even Worse
People dancing for two hours with no sense of storyline, I can handle. What I can’t figure out is why these movies keep trying to attach weird significance to dancing. This is shown by this paraphrased line from the movie. I will write it, followed by a long shower.

“One move can change the world.”

No significant event in all of history has been solved through dancing, let alone one move. Ideas like this are dangerous, in that they are very, very stupid. Frankly, every time I read that line again, it makes me want to cut myself…then others.

Dancing doesn’t need to be some weird metaphor for the battle between good and evil. Why can’t it just be about the competition? Why does dance have to decide the fate of our immortal souls in these movies?

The Bottom Line
If you’re a fan of dance, you’ll probably be impressed by some of the moves. From the previews alone, I’m pretty sure none of these dancers have any bones. I am both impressed and horrified by some of things I saw them do.

Overall, though, I’m guessing it won’t be worth many people’s time and hard-earned money. Hopefully it will send a message to the moviemakers that we need a little substance in our movies. Like, wouldn’t it be cool if we had some drummers? And they were in a line or something?

The Rating
As this is a preview, I can’t pass final judgment on this movie. But I wouldn’t expect a lot from it. When this lands in theaters, you’ll probably hear it echo with all the empty seats.