Halloween

Hopefully everyone had a happy Halloween - for everyone else, you're pretty much the reason I wrote this article today.

Throughout my later years in high school and college, I noticed a disturbing trend. There was an increasing number of people who declared themselves "too old" for the holiday. I'm not sure what confuses me more - the idea that somehow you could be too old to have fun and eat candy, or the idea that people would voluntarily refuse these activities.

I realize that my mid-twenties may be a bit old to dress up and go door-to-door. (It's a gray area.) But the rest of Halloween is still pretty hard not to enjoy. It's literally the most fun you can have on a pagan holiday converted into a Catholic holiday by church officials hoping to draw in heathens.

Seriously - if you can think of a better example, please let me know.

The idea that some people try to outgrow it is just sad, really. And there's a lesson there. There's no need to rush adulthood. Between having kids and working, your childhood innocence will be gone soon enough. Hang onto whatever shreds of it you can.

Also, um, candy is delicious, so is there some reason you're trying to get away from it? I mean, Milk Duds are pretty disgusting. But anyone who can't enjoy Mr. Goodbar can't enjoy life.

And for anyone who still doesn't agree, at least try not to be such a downer and ruin my All Saint's Day, too.

A Modern Day Fairytale

I'm glad this has never happened in real life.

Modern technology has allowed for any number of ways to meet a significant other. For example, I first started talking to my own girlfriend online. Nerds in this era should have no trouble finding someone to share long sessions of online video games with. Or kissing. Whatever, perv.

And yet, they still do.

Granted, I'm not saying all online contact is a great place to spark up a romantic meeting. I personally know of one guy in college who tried to hit on any girl he ever saw in a "Halo" game. We've since fallen out of touch, so I don't know if it ever worked. But even if he were married because of it, I'd be dreading having to explain that story to the grandkids.

"I'd just shot her in the head with a rocket. Then I told her an off-color joke about what else she could put in her face. And from there, well, it was just magic."

But it's sad, really. As connected as nerds are - many of them generally talking to the same people all around the world on forums and such every day - many of them are still alone. And while single people can just as happy as ones in couples, it's always nice to have a "player two."

Note to Everyone: Don't refer to your significant other as "player two." It causes them to hit you in the arm really hard.

Spring Forward, Nerd Back

Once again, it’s “nerd season.”

I appreciate Fall on a number of levels. Besides the obvious fact that it’s “cuddle weather” – the one time of the year where my girlfriend doesn’t burst into flames from overheating when I lay all over her – there’s a lot to enjoy. But it’s more for the things you can’t enjoy – namely, the outdoors – that it’s the nerdiest time of the year.

During the Spring and Summer, I feel a certain amount of guilt over spending entire days indoors. It seems like I should be out enjoying the warmth. Alas, my love of anime, video games and fantasy books generally has me avoiding the sunlight like I owe it money.

Starting sometime in October, the guilt is gone. It’s too cold and rainy to be outdoors. Assuming I did a lot of work throughout the rest of the year, it would practically be a holiday to me.

This season, the nerd gods have been especially kind. While there’s not a lot of new anime to enjoy, I have started playing “World of Warcraft” again. It was a bit of a learning curve to get back into, but after a week or two, I’ve gotten used to crawling into bed at 5am with no idea what happened to my entire night.

For the record, though, I wouldn’t recommend this unless the girlfriend you’re crawling into bed with is very accepting of your nerdery.

And if you don’t believe that Fall was designed for nerds, think about it. We get an extra hour of time at 2am. Sure, everyone can enjoy an extra hour, but what sort of people are actually going to be awake at that hour? That’s right. Nerds.

So to everyone else, go enjoy raking leaves and…um…watching leaves change color. (I don’t know what the rest of you actually do during Fall.) As for the nerds, it’s time to hunker down on a warm couch or desk chair and enjoy the vice of your choice:

-Anime: If you’re going to be stuck indoors for the next four to five months, this is the perfect time to watch the first third of the “Bleach” series. And here’s the sad thing. That’s only sort of a joke. That series is, like, four hundred episodes long.

-Video Games: They’re remaking “Goldeneye,” the best shooter of all time. Assuming it doesn’t suck, it will be the greatest thing since…well, the first time that game came out. And assuming it does suck, that’s plenty for you to complain about on assorted video game forums.

-Fantasy Books: Who knows? Christopher Paolini might actually finish his fourth book. If it comes out sometime soon, you can spend the rest of your Fall and Winter hearing him describe one scene.

Dead Air

Television used to be much better.

This isn’t a commentary on the quality of actual shows these days. That’s not a battle I want to get involved in. As far as I’m concerned, shows are just as good as they were ten years ago. The only problem is that now, they’re much, much shorter.

Consider this. In any given half hour, I’m only watching twenty minutes of actual television. The rest is commercial time used by companies to make money. Perhaps they should check their mailbox, as I already send them a monthly check to pay for cable.

But that’s not the worst part. Even commercials can be amusing. I’ve noticed a nasty trend lately, though. The number of unwatchable commercials has increased dramatically from ten years ago. And when I say “unwatchable,” I of course mean “feminine hygiene” and “erectile dysfunction.”

Don’t get me wrong. These things are a necessary evil. I just don’t want to hear about them during "House." I don’t want to hear about “spotting” (which becomes worse once you learn what it is). Nor do I need to hear that Jimmy Johnson is still having sex despite the fact that he’s essentially a corpse (which becomes worse if you mentally picture it).

As you can see, I’m gender-neutral on the issue – both types of commercials disgust me.

Admittedly, the feminine commercials annoy me more. What group of girls really goes to a club to talk about their periods? I asked my girlfriend. This isn’t what girls are talking about in bars. In fact, many women couldn’t talk about their “flow” to a medical professional in a life or death situation.

I used to find it odd that no guys were ever in those commercials. After all, men are half of the birth control equation. But (as shown by the comic), this wouldn’t work out. The only thing worse than a guy saying periods were gross would be a guy calmly nodding along and laughing, like the conversation wasn’t his own personal version of Hell.

In my opinion, both types of commercials need to be taken off television. Though, I’d settle for one or the other. The way I see it, the commercials set an awkward double standard.

There may be no medical need for a monthly period, but there’s certainly no medical need for old men to be having sex, either.

Monster Hunter: Snuggling Benefits

People are superstitious - even in video games.

Granted, there's not a lot to be superstitious about in "Monster Hunter Tri." You can't really decide what shoe to put on first or anything. Most of the things that could be classified as "good luck charms" are actual charms that give real statistic boosts.

The one possible exception is your Piggie. As you might guess, Piggie is a pig. You can dress it up in a number of costumes and snuggle it before missions. Or not. I mean, if you want to get crappy items, you can just forgo it. That's really up to you.

I personally swear by snuggling Piggie before missions. For one, I think I've got some great drops as a result of snuggling that I wouldn't have otherwise. For another, it's snuggling. Why would I avoid that?

Of course, there are always naysayers. Many people claim that the Piggie-snuggling thing is just a wild rumor. They say there are no real statistics to back up the theory. Some say this disproves it. I think it just backs up the idea that math and snuggling don't mix.

Still, because I'm willing to meet people halfway, I suggest a minor change. Actually, as you can see from the comic, it's kind of a huge change. I'm willing to make the concession, though.

So...developers...get on that. Thanks.

Another Rare Adventure

Last time I got injured, it was while cooking. That made me feel like a bit of an idiot. Tonight, I proved that cooking isn't the simplest thing I can do and hurt myself.

Turns out, I can't even walk without serious injury.

While walking down the sidewalk earlier today, I lost my balance and fell over. Granted, there was a dog who got herself tangled in my legs, but that doesn't make it sound that much better. So I'm changing my story. Earlier tonight, I was hit by a car. With teeth. And it was on fire.

Luckily, there are no broken bones or anything. I just have a nasty scrape on both my knees and hands. And I also hit my jaw on the sidewalk. Somehow, I managed to involve that many parts of my body with the impact. The only way it could have been worse is if I'd also hit the back of my head, too.

Since then, I've been taking it easy and playing video games. Of course, it's always a great way to relax and unwind. But as my character was hit in the face with an axe and slowly regenerated by just standing there, I have to admit I was a little jealous. It must be nice to recover from any form of damage within a few minutes by sitting down and eating bread.

I'd probably trade being real for the ability to mend wounds without bandages and stinging pain from rubbing alcohol - reality is overrated anyway.

Miraculously, my jeans did behave much like video game armor. They mitigated a good amount of damage. Which is nice, but when you say it out loud, your girlfriend will roll her eyes at you and sigh.

Trust me.

World of Warcraft: Trial Un-Separation

I’ve recently been toying with the possibility of playing “World of Warcraft” again.

Since I couldn’t justify shelling out a lot of money for something I may not really like anymore, I decided to play the free ten-day trial. So far, my reviews are mixed. Let’s just say that I’m glad it’s free, because I’m not sure I’d pay to be killed and humped by other players.

I’ll imagine many of you have no idea what I’m talking about, so I’ll go back a bit.

There are three main ways to play World of Warcraft. These are PvE, PvP and RP. In “Player versus Environment,” you fight only the enemies in the game. In “Player versus Player,” you are repeatedly killed by angry nerds who then pretend to hump your corpse with their character.

You can die in PvE or PvP just as easily – the only real difference is what happens to your body afterward.

Of course, the third type is “Role Playing.” And while I like a lot of role playing games, it tends to be a bit much for even me. You can only hear so many stories from player characters named Raif Darkblood about their fathers dying in the last war and how they’re trying to restore their family honor. I swear – everyone I ever spoke to had that same back story.

After a few negative experiences this time around, I switched to Player versus Environment. It’s the best way to make sure you spend most of your playtime actually playing the game. I have surprisingly little tolerance for meaningless back stories and endless corpse-humping.

It’s actually been fun this time around. Surprisingly, there are a lot of things to enjoy outside of those little annoyances. I think I could definitely see myself playing again. Though, unlike in my college days, I may try to keep it under twelve hours a day.

I seem to recall the negative physical consequences of sleeping a combined fifteen hours my entire last year of college…

Monster Hunter: Mysteries

If swords in video games get any bigger, I'm going to start having trouble seeing my character.

I realize it's somewhat hypocritical. After all, one of my favorite games ever is "Final Fantasy VII." But the characters carrying ridiculously large swords there were also genetically modified to have superhuman strength. Also, that game had magic, so that can be used as an excuse for anything.

In Monster Hunter Tri, the one thing they get right is the consequences of swinging a huge sword. If you don't hit your target, it will bury itself in a small crater in the ground. You can then struggle to lift it out...probably after being beat around by monsters for a minute or two.

And for the record, that character in the comic could have just as well been a male. Male or female, I don't think anyone could lug around sharpened metal clubs the size of another human being. The only people who could do that are those strongmen who can throw compact cars behind them into a third-story window. Those guys are ridiculous.

Ironically, being a strongman would explain why character is flexing so much...

Personally, I'd like to see a return to reality in video game weaponry. I mean, short of realizing swords can't cut through plate armor. Otherwise, games would completely suck.

But things aren't likely to change soon. After all, gigantic swords are as much a staple of the modern RPG as random encounters. Which brings me to my follow-up point - when you're getting rid of unrealistically huge swords, also ditch the random fights.

Oh, and cliche cat-eared characters who say "nya" at the end of each sentence can go away, too.

Adventures in Retail

The other day, as I was checking out at “Dollar General,” I was a bit surprised. Instead of the usual small talk at the register, the cashier sneered, looked at my sweat pants and said, “Wow. Sweatpants. Thanks for trying to impress me.”

Suddenly, the backlog of comebacks that rushed into the back of my brain jammed up together and I had a stroke.

There are ever so many things wrong with what the cashier said to me, I was very sad that I’d only be able to make one snarky remark back. Luckily, I blog. The remarks I didn’t make can be included here. It’s the insulter’s equivalent of feeling better by writing about a bad day in your journal.

First off, let’s be realistic. I was shopping at Dollar General. Thoughts of impressing people obviously didn’t enter into this business transaction on any level.

Don’t believe me? Think of it this way. Is there any sentence that begins with, “I wanted to impress someone, so I went to Dollar General and…”? No. And there never will be.

Secondly, this woman was a cashier. Not to be mean to cashiers, but I don’t make wardrobe decisions with the conscious effort to impress them. If there’s some benefit to wearing a tuxedo and really impressing someone who scans my purchases – such as really fast check-out – at this point, I think I’ll forgo it for the ease and comfort of sweatpants.

Thirdly, why was it any of her business? Are sweatpants really so offensive for a quick purchase? If I got dressed up every time I went out for a bottle of soda…well, I wouldn’t go out as often, because I’m lazy.

Fourthly (or, actually, back to the first point again), let’s be more realistic. I was shopping at Dollar General. Is a well-groomed man wearing sweatpants really the worst thing that’s walked through those doors? I think not.

Lastly (and the remark I actually said), was this. “You’ve got an eye for detail.” Now, that might not seem like a great insult, but you have to consider the context. Five seconds before I walked up to her, a father (I assume) was chewing out his son and ex-wife about her new husband. As icing on the socially inappropriate cake, he left the store cursing after cuffing his child on the back of the head and telling him not to talk to “that man who’s not your real father.”

And this is where you walked in – this is the point where I get scolded for how I dressed.

That’s kind of like being distracted from an exploding bomb by someone making popping sounds with their cheeks.

Manga Aversion: Length

As a public service, I’ve decided to address the issues that are causing most people to not love things like anime, manga or video games as much as I do. Today’s issue is the length of manga series. Or, to put it another way, why should I read “Bleach” if it probably won’t end before I die?

To be honest, I won’t defend the length. Many of the mangas I read are at about the 500 issue mark and show no signs of stopping. Ever.

What I would say is that length isn’t the problem as much as a few other things:

1) Mindset – As many manga are turned into anime, people expect them to end like all television shows. This is an expectation people don’t hold for American comics. And this is why “Superman” is going into what seems like his sixth century of publication and no one feels the same way.

2) Training Content – When you’re having fun, the time flies by. When you’re, say, training to learn a new technique instead of actually using it in battle, things slow to a crawl. “Training arcs,” or portions of the manga where the characters train to get stronger, take an agonizingly long time to resolve. As was established in “Rocky IV,” training is only interesting in musical montage form.

If it gets too tiresome to handle, I suggest doing what I do and listening to some “Queen” music during the training arcs – though, to be fair, this would improve almost anything.

3) Battle Content – Sadly, when people fight it’s not always better. This is because many manga fights can span ten issues or more. For example, the (possibly) final battle in “Bleach” involved dozens of underling fights before the ultimate bad guy transformed into a stronger form, second stronger form, a god, a butterfly (which totally isn’t a joke – go look if you don’t believe me), a god again and finally a very angry, slightly stronger god.

Obviously, some of the fights need to be pared down a bit – it would occasionally be refreshing to see a decapitation in the battle’s first panel to end things quickly and cleanly.

That’s how I see it anyway. While manga isn’t perfect by any means, I’d put it squarely on the corner of “it’s not as bad as you think” boulevard and “you’re not giving it a fair chance” lane. If you’re not familiar with the neighborhood, you can always “Mapquest” it to get the directions.

So if you’ve got a spare week or so, try reading a manga. The stories are actually quite good compared to a lot of the American comics. This is particularly true for “Marmaduke.” I get it. He’s a big dog. He eats things off the counter. Can we just get it over with?

Monster Hunter: Regional Differences

Like DVDs, video games have something like region codes. These prevent people in different countries from playing another region's version of the game. And unlike DVD region codes - which are meant to prevent piracy - video game regions are mostly meant as a way to show regional favoritism.

When I first browsed the weapons in Monster Hunter Tri, I was thrilled to see Tessaiga. With a little work, I could literally be killing monsters with Inuyasha's sword. Granted, it wouldn't have the awesome special attacks, but that didn't matter to me.

Mostly because I'd be yelling, "Wind Scar!" myself before every swing.

Unfortunately, only players in Japan get to use Tessaiga. I'd be forced to use the United States counterpart. I didn't bother looking up what that was, but I'm relatively sure it's not an awesome Inuyasha-related sword crafted from one of his father's fangs.

Heck - I'd even settle for Tensaiga, and all that would do is revive monsters I've already killed.

The point (if I haven't belabored it enough) is that regional differences in games aren't fair. I pay as much as they do in Japan. I should get access to culture-specific references that don't carry over to this country, too.

And yes, I'm aware I just defeated my own point with that last paragraph.

Video Game Pet Peeves

I've been playing video games since the Atari 2600. Graphically, things have improved quite a bit since then, but oddly enough, developers are still mucking up a lot of the same stuff, too. Over the past ten to fifteen years, here are the things that have been annoying me the most.

Developers, please take a memo on these and try to fix them before games hit the super-futuristic stage like in "Tron" - the only thing worse than sucking is being immersed in a 3D world of sucking.

1. Worthless Characters
In fighting games, a long character list means a good chance that one will match your fighting style. For example, is your style being slow and doing no damage at all? Then you should play as Peach in “Super Smash Bros. Brawl.” Luckily, you have the option of just avoiding her altogether, but they could have filled her spot with – I don’t know – a fighter or something. Zero Suit Samus might dress like a whore, but at least she kicks the butt to back it up.

More evidence Peach was worthless – her ultimate attack was to create fruit. It does exactly as much damage as you might guess. None.

2. Excessively Convoluted Plots
The “Metal Gear Solid” series is a lot of fun. Its plot is also so thick that I’m not sure whether I won or lost when I killed the last boss. I swear that storyline was so obtuse you’d need a PhD to sort it all out. At a certain point in games, I just want someone to be bad and have a sword or gun to kill him.

3. Convenient Item Locations
“The Legend of Zelda” games are famous for this. Why is it that there just so happens to be an ice wall six feet from the treasure chest with the Fire Wand to melt it? Just once, to mess with my head, I’d like to open that chest and find an Ice Wand in there.

4. Repetitive Sounds
Back in the land of 16-bit goodness, there was a little game called “Streets of Rage 3.” Whether or not the game was fun, I don’t recall. Mostly, my brothers and I just did the special attacks to hear an irritating symphony of grating, poorly-recorded voices yell, “Power up!” and “Bare knuckle!” I don’t think I could bring myself to beat that game until I just muted the television.

That game, however, does get bonus points for having a secret code to play as a fighting kangaroo. That’s not even a joke. Go look it up.

5. Limited Soundtrack
Similar to repeating sound effects was the game that only had one song – “Tetris.” Play all you want. Either way, there’s no way to finish that game or song. It just loops forever. In fact, I haven’t played that game in ten years and I can still hear it playing in my head.

6. Random Battles
Whether or not you realize it, any RPG you play only has about five hours of content. Why does it take fifty hours to beat, you ask? Random battles. Depending on the game, you’ll be fighting one somewhere between every two minutes and every two steps. It’s a nice way to extend the experience. It also ensures that, once you’ve taken down the final boss, you back your vehicle repeatedly over the game disc as an act of revenge.

7. Endless Identical Sequels
To me, a sequel advances an ongoing storyline. What I don’t want is a series of games that are pretty much the same, but I have to buy each one. “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai” or whatever was fine. There was no need for “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai 2” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi Tortellini.” You can add as many random incomprehensible words as you want to the end. You’re not going to make it any better – you’re just going to run out of room on the game box.

8. Revamping Old Characters
I realize that certain characters need to be updated with the times. But I think some characters should just be left alone. Did you know there’s a game coming out called “Epic Mickey?” The point is that it’s Mickey Mouse during his more rebellious days, running around and causing mischief. If nothing else, the game’s idiotic premise has saved me the trouble of needing to make an actual joke here.

9. Messing with a Working Formula
I played what seems like a few dozen “Sonic the Hedgehog” games when I was younger. It was usually as simple as holding the “right” button and jumping once or twice a level. That was fun for me. The latest games are in 3D and, although the high-speed formula worked for a decade, they’ve completely abandoned fast-paced action. For some reason, I picked up one where Sonic was holding a broadsword. Don’t like that? Well, in another one, you can turn into a werewolf. Is that better?

It worked before. Why change it? This would be like tomorrow deciding fire is a bad way to cook food and just switching to heating it by throwing it at the wall over and over.

10. Inappropriate Fun
Don’t get me wrong – fun is fun. But some games weren’t fun when played the way they were intended. I still remember that I only played hockey and football games for the off chance of giving someone a career-ending injury. And I’m not sure what the actual point was of “Pilotwings,” but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to plow my plane into the ground at the highest possible speed imaginable.

Then again, I don’t read instruction manuals, so you never know…

What are some of the things that irk you most about video games of the past or present?