A reminder.

In case you're wondering why the updates aren't so common here these days, it's because we've moved on to our new digs at The Nerd Empire.

You should really check it out. It's basically everything you like about Better Left Unwritten, but much, much more. We've got more writers, daily updates and a really cool title banner. I'm just saying, that little nerd by the flags is adorable.

Go here to see it in all its nerdy glory: The Nerd Empire!

Waste of Time Awards - Film and Television

To continue our trend of shocking awards, the second day of the Wasties proves that a movie grossing several trillion dollars is no guarantee it will even end up on my top five.

Thanks to a money-grubbing "Special Edition," "Avatar" was in the running as a 2010 contender for Biggest Waste of Time in Film and Television. Thanks to a director more concerned with visual effects than substance, it also allowed it to be utterly terrible. In fact, given its long run-time and embarrassing writing, this year, it receives "honorable" mention as "Worst in Film and Television."

But no need to dwell on the negatives.

As for the actual winner, the best series of 2010 goes to "Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood." This anime - based on the original manga rather than cobbled together like the first series - was utterly amazing. With excellent characters, action and a plot-line that kept you guessing until the very end, it was everything an anime should be. And for non-anime folk, it's at least watchable.

Perhaps most impressive is the fact that it's only sixty-four episodes. This clocks in at about five hundred less than longer-running series like "Bleach," "Naruto" or "Inuyasha." Being able to stay awake through the entire run is a nice bonus.

It did, however, face some stiff competition:

2) "Family Guy: Something Something Something Dark Side" - As a "Star Wars" spoof, this technically qualifies as a nerd program. This was just a step from taking the first place spot. Pretty much one more good Meg joke would have done it.

And yes, "Family Guy: It's a Trap" was pretty good, but like "Return of the Jedi," it just didn't stack up to the second movie.

3) "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse" - Yes, I see some eye rolls at this one. Unfortunately, my hands were tied. As the only movie of the year that featured violent vampire wars, it was pretty much guaranteed an award. If you can point out another movie where an undead Civil War officer decapitates evil vampires alongside a pack of werewolves, please point it out.

4) "How to Train Your Dragon" - This one edged in at the last moment, since I went most of the year without seeing it. I was impressed with the continuing ability of animated films to not be overly-cutesy when they need to. Let's hope that in two or three years, there will be nothing in these movies for kids at all.

5) "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" - Overall, this was a pretty good movie - one I definitely recommend seeing. Bafflingly, Nicolas Cage didn't do the usual "Nicolas Cage' thing and muck up the movie. I would absolutely love seeing a sequel someday soon.

You may notice that the two big guns - "Avatar" and "Inception" - are absent from the list. What can I say? "Inception" was over-hyped to the point that it was essentially unwatchable. "Avatar" was under-written to the point where it was unwatchable. (Believe me - I tried.)

What do you think? I wouldn't be surprised if people second-guessed my choices. Then again, given how quickly people stopped talking about "Avatar," I wouldn't be surprised if people didn't.

Up next on Friday is the "Alternative Media Category."

Don't Overdo It...

For those of you who didn't get my clever allusion in the last post, I'll be clearer - I recently asked my girlfriend of three years to marry me.

...Yes, she said yes.

In the lead-up I had a number of really amazing ideas of exactly how to propose. Many of which were incredibly nerdy. The majority of these may have also made her consider her answer much more carefully. Mercifully, I went with the classic "on one knee, asking" tactic.

No doubt, many people think of this as a betrayal of nerd ideals. First off, I was in trouble for actually dating a girl. To not propose in an over-the-top nerdy way is essentially blasphemy.

But - lest we forget - here are a few ways of asking that didn't or wouldn't go so well:

1) Mario Hacking - Several people have hacked their old "Mario" games to show marriage proposals in coins or blocks. I've seen three outcomes. One went okay. Another, the girl got pissed. The third, most hilariously, ended with the girl not noticing. Obviously, not always the way to go.

2) Pac-Man Hacking - At least one person has hacked his old Atari "Pac-Man" cartridge to pop the question. The problem? He programmed it for level 100. His girlfriend couldn't get past 10. And the icing on the cake? After she was furious he kept pushing her to play, he tried himself and couldn't reach it either.

A failure as a boyfriend and as a nerd.

3) Online Marriage - A nerd inspired his girlfriend to play "World of Warcraft" for a month. This was all a setup to his character eventually kneeling and proposing to hers. Unless your girlfriend is ridiculously into the game, too, this isn't nearly as romantic as you think. Especially with the follow-up that they should be married on the bridge leading into Stormwind.

You know, the secret bridge leading into the most populated city in the game where nobody would ever wander through their ceremony and making a scene.

4) Nerd Comic - As per "Penny Arcade," at least one gamer has proposed through a comic. This is actually pretty cute, assuming your girlfriend enjoys public displays. It's also far cuter if she says yes - otherwise, that would be a pretty devastating way to display your shame forever.

5) All-out Fail - Particularly out-of-touch nerds may get the "clever" idea to dress up as their favorite character and propose that way. To my knowledge, this has never happened. Then again, if I dressed up like Inuyasha and was shot down, I doubt I'd be spreading word around either.

Assuming this ever happened, I'm sure this secret died with the nerd's hopes of marriage.

So, as you can see, romance and nerds don't always mix well. If you've got an idea to pop the question and it seems too nerdy, you may want to reconsider. Like a proposal at a sporting event, it's really best to consider what the girl would think instead of random people on online forums.

A good rule of thumb - if you'd need to beat a video game or watch an entire anime series to understand your proposal, it's not a great idea.

Nerdsgiving 2010!

Nerdsgiving went off without a hitch again this year. It was a time of fun, festivity and tolerance towards niche entertainment media such as anime, manga and video games. Judging by the blank expressions of the people who just read this paragraph, I feel I should explain.

Although I suspect its origins are much earlier, my girlfriend and I recently started celebrating Nerdsgiving last year. It's the one time of the year where we come together to do overly nerdy activities, no matter how weird they may be. For example, last year we watched the entire anime series "Akikan." Besides the fact that it was only in English subtitles, the plot involved fighting girls who transformed to and from cans of soda by being kissed for the purposes of determining whether aluminum or steel cans were superior.

That's not even a joke. That's the real plot summary of that series. But it does nicely illustrate my point - no matter how nerdy the anime, nothing is off-limits on Nerdsgiving.

In my relationship, I feel it's good exercise in compromise. Even if there are occasional scuffles over what we're watching on television, there are times when you just have to give up the remote. In mixed nerd and normal couples, there has to be a decent balance between video games and "Say Yes to the Dress."

Though, for the record, having a "Say Yes to the Dress" RPG would make everyone a lot happier.

This year, Jess and I enjoyed a marathon of science fiction movies and more mainstream anime. My eyes were a bit too tired to be reading through English subtitles. Not to mention, I think I had a hope we could watch something weird enough to top "Akikan." Sadly, as far as I know, nothing exists.

In any case, I wanted to bring the holiday to everyone's attention. For those interested in partaking in the festivities next year, all you need is a little junk food and some anime to watch. It traditionally occurs the weekend after Thanksgiving. It may span one or more days, depending on your personal tolerance and sleeping habits (or lack thereof).

So have fun, and Happy Nerdsgiving!

Video Game Aversion: Language Quirks

This week, I thought I'd address an issue that's common (and irritating) in both anime and video games - people with pointless language quirks.

There's no real-world counterpart to this annoyance. But if it helps, imagine if people randomly interspersed semi-words into sentences like "nyah," "shaka," "laka," and other such nonsense. It's kind of like how Canadian people say, "Eh?" at the end of sentences, but less...language.

Aside from occasionally making a character incomprehensible, it doesn't add much to a game or anime. Ever. Though it may convince you to forcefully add a remote or Wii controller to your television screen.

In "Monster Hunter Tri," your tiny Shakalaka companion Cha-Cha has one such quirk. Instead of saying, "We just killed that monster," he may say something along the lines of, "We shaka-smacked that laka-loser." The only upside is that the game allows you to kick him. It doesn't make him stop, but I admit that it tends to make me feel better.

This same idea carries over in many animes, where it's apparently a law that at least one character must have cat ears and talk in an irritating voice. They must also randomly meow while talking. I assume these same laws are also responsible for half the people who flip onto television anime and leave six seconds later.

Maybe Japanese culture is big on being irritated - unfortunately, it doesn't carry over to Western societies.

Spring Forward, Nerd Back

Once again, it’s “nerd season.”

I appreciate Fall on a number of levels. Besides the obvious fact that it’s “cuddle weather” – the one time of the year where my girlfriend doesn’t burst into flames from overheating when I lay all over her – there’s a lot to enjoy. But it’s more for the things you can’t enjoy – namely, the outdoors – that it’s the nerdiest time of the year.

During the Spring and Summer, I feel a certain amount of guilt over spending entire days indoors. It seems like I should be out enjoying the warmth. Alas, my love of anime, video games and fantasy books generally has me avoiding the sunlight like I owe it money.

Starting sometime in October, the guilt is gone. It’s too cold and rainy to be outdoors. Assuming I did a lot of work throughout the rest of the year, it would practically be a holiday to me.

This season, the nerd gods have been especially kind. While there’s not a lot of new anime to enjoy, I have started playing “World of Warcraft” again. It was a bit of a learning curve to get back into, but after a week or two, I’ve gotten used to crawling into bed at 5am with no idea what happened to my entire night.

For the record, though, I wouldn’t recommend this unless the girlfriend you’re crawling into bed with is very accepting of your nerdery.

And if you don’t believe that Fall was designed for nerds, think about it. We get an extra hour of time at 2am. Sure, everyone can enjoy an extra hour, but what sort of people are actually going to be awake at that hour? That’s right. Nerds.

So to everyone else, go enjoy raking leaves and…um…watching leaves change color. (I don’t know what the rest of you actually do during Fall.) As for the nerds, it’s time to hunker down on a warm couch or desk chair and enjoy the vice of your choice:

-Anime: If you’re going to be stuck indoors for the next four to five months, this is the perfect time to watch the first third of the “Bleach” series. And here’s the sad thing. That’s only sort of a joke. That series is, like, four hundred episodes long.

-Video Games: They’re remaking “Goldeneye,” the best shooter of all time. Assuming it doesn’t suck, it will be the greatest thing since…well, the first time that game came out. And assuming it does suck, that’s plenty for you to complain about on assorted video game forums.

-Fantasy Books: Who knows? Christopher Paolini might actually finish his fourth book. If it comes out sometime soon, you can spend the rest of your Fall and Winter hearing him describe one scene.

Cowboy Bebop: Five Minutes Later...

I guess you could say this should be tagged as a spoiler, but as no one actually knows how "Cowboy Bebop" ends, there's really not much to spoil, I suppose.

As anime goes, Bebop is pretty much the pinnacle achievement. Any conversation you've had with someone about good anime most likely mentioned it. In fact, only one I can think of didn't include it. And that doesn't count, since I was talking to a homeless man who accused me of stealing his thoughts at the time.

Since the series ended more than ten years ago, I don't feel all that bad talking about the ending. If you haven't seen it yet, go watch it now before reading any further. Overall, though, it's pretty much like "The Sixth Sense" - if you haven't seen it yet, you probably never will.

By the way, Bruce Willis is a ghost...or a superhero...or bad director. Sorry. I get my Shyamalan twist endings mixed up sometimes.

In any case, I think one of the enduring qualities of the show is that there was no definite ending. The main character, Spike, ends up falling after sustaining serious injuries. The audience is left to decide for themselves whether he got up later or not. In its way, it was a brilliant move by the writer. In another way, it makes me want to punch him in the stomach.

I suppose it's for the best. Some of the best discussion I've had online has been about the ending of the series. And while I've had my share of, "Spike died and you're a retarded gay jerk for thinking otherwise," I think the ending mostly created good discourse among anime fans.

Incidentally, I had to clean up the grammar of the above example argument. The people who make those statements usually don't spell that well. And they certainly don't use the word "otherwise."

As far as how it ended, I have no real opinion. But Spike - whether he lived or died - rocked my face off for twenty-six episodes and one movie. Well done, sir.

And...let the speculation begin. What do you think?

More Effective Birth Control

There are times that I worry my children will get involved in dangerous activities. Then I remember that, in fact, they will have my DNA. There's already a fair chance they won't have a chance to get involved in anything dangerous.

Or fun, depending on how nerdishly they might lean.

Looking back, getting into anime and video games was probably exactly what I needed as a teenager. I had a lot of energy. It very well could have been used for evil. Well, actually, it was used for evil. But think of the most evil thing you could do while sitting on a futon and playing your eighth straight hour of "Star Fox 64." It's not exactly super-villainy at its best.

Of course, this all assumes I have children. Either way, that's a ways off. I haven't even begun to consider things like names, religion, or how exactly I plan to grow that sweet mustache in the comic.

My current mustache took twenty-six years to grow, and it's patchy - and that's being awfully generous, too.

In other news, thanks to everyone who took the time to vote! By a fairly overwhelming margin, the consensus is that people want to see lots of comics and comic/articles. As this is what I was hoping to do anyway, things really worked out there. Phew.

I apologize to the one person who voted for "invasive advertising" - if they really want it, maybe you can click on an ad and tell it open in a new window so it feels like a pop-up.

Anime: Why It's Just as Bad as You Think

Let’s face it. While there’s some excellent anime out there, there’s just as much – if not more – that’s practically unwatchable. I would be remiss to state that anime was good without warning you about a number of problems with the genre. These problems can be neatly summed up as “the reasons most people aren’t watching in the first place.”

It’s not enough to know what’s good. You have to know what’s bad, and exactly how bad it can get. Some things are minor annoyances. Some anime means looking into the Ark of the Covenant afterward just to get some eye relief.

Problem 1: Total Incoherence
Some good series use a lot of difficult words. When things don’t translate exactly right, they tend to keep the Japanese word. You might find it off-putting to hear that someone has to go to Tsubaki Mountain to destroy the Ghubitsu while hounded by Kabu Katsumoto. I realize this is annoying. It’s also the least of your problems.

Some anime series watch more like a mild concussion. “Bobobo” was a particularly nasty offender. While the creators were nice enough to translate it into English, it was obvious after watching a man attack another man with his mustache and fight a giant pancake that something was still lost in the translation.

Specifically, I lost three minutes of my life in that translation.

Problem 2: Endless One-Upping
Ever had a friend that had to top every story you told? That’s tough. Ever had a friend who’s done it for twenty or thirty years? Did he have spiked gold hair and yell a lot?

This is a key flaw even among some of the good fighting series. The bad guy is too tough. The good guy trains to get stronger and beats him. A newer, badder guy appears. The good guy trains again. Not long after, we learn an even badderer guy was pulling the strings.

In the end, what should have been a 12-episode show is stretching into the 300’s and we’re no closer to an outcome. We’re running out of places to put all the corpses of enemies. Our hero is so powerful that he can destroy entire planets with just an angry glance. And yet, the next enemy will shrug off his attack like it was warm breeze. Well…better start training.

Problem 3: Over-the-Top Everything
Any number of famous war strategists over the years stressed the element of surprise. Many tactics involve catching your opponent off guard. As far as I know, none of these men were suggesting you yell the name of your attack loudly while the camera is six inches from your face.

I don’t care if you’re using a “Soul Cutter,” “Iron Reaver Soul Stealer” or even a “Spirit Bomb.” This is a really irritating part of some anime. Maybe the reason your fights last twenty episodes is because your enemies keep seeing your attack coming and dodge it.

Problem 4: Filler Arcs
For those who don’t know, a lot of anime is based on manga – essentially “comics.” This is fine. When it becomes a problem, though, is when a series is going too fast and the manga hasn’t gone far enough to provide it with new material. Think of it as a movie running out of script after an hour, so the characters just stand on camera while new lines are written.

Filler episodes are okay, in small doses. Occasionally, some of the filler material is as good as the rest of the show. Oftentimes, though, it’s pointless and stupid. In the worst cases – ahem, “Naruto,” ahem – the filler lasted several hundred episodes.

At a certain point, you actually forget there’s a main plot amid such episodes as “The Pointless Battle that Doesn’t Affect the Series” and “Hey! Let’s Look Over in These Bushes!”

Problem 5: Non-Epic Battles
I can understand two reincarnated gods doing battle for the souls of everyone on the planet. This is a battle of epic proportions. But conflict isn’t always this good. In fact, it’s much more commonly something like, “The world is doomed…unless we play a children’s card game for some reason!”

“Yu-Gi-Oh” involves saving the world by doing exactly that. (If it’s different, tell me how.) It’s not a good sign of things to come. Inevitably, an anime will come along where champions do battle on the ancient arena known as “Connect Four.”

“I summon my Red Checker in attack mode! Wait! I can’t. You got me here, diagonally! Pretty sneaky, sis…”

The Round-up
Knowing the good and the bad in anime can go a long way in making sure you have a good experience with it. A lot of times, you can avoid some pretty awful stuff just by going with your gut. Specifically, if the show tries to remove the contents of your gut forcefully, it’s probably not for you.

Don’t give up, though. Great anime really is out there. Most of it is looking in the right place. But just as important is knowing where not to look – ever.

Does anything else aggravate you about anime?

Note: This is meant to provide the viewpoint of five first-time anime viewers who walked away thinking all anime was terrible based on one show - it is in no way indicative of the genre as a whole, or based on my own leanings.

Anime: Why It's Not as Bad as You Think

When it comes to anime, most people have an opinion. While it has its followers, a good deal of the populace is unanimous in the decision that it’s terrible. By association, the majority of the populace has labeled those who like it as “weird,” “creepy” and, occasionally, will forgo name-calling of any kind in favor of giving them vigorous wedgies. I’ve personally been on both sides of the stretched elastic.

Of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. The problem is that many people haven’t given anime its fair chance. While there is some anime that is poorly-written, poorly-translated or just an affront to all that is good, this shouldn’t turn everyone off from the seven or eight quality shows in a sea of otherwise unwatchable crap.

Hey, I said it wasn’t all bad – I never said most of it wasn’t.

Misconception 1: All Anime Characters Have Swords, Cat Ears or Weird Hair
Many of the anime shows with oddly-dressed characters are…well, odd. Those that portray normal people tend to be a little less weird. And to be fair, Inuyasha has dog ears, so get your facts straight.

I’ll admit that swords are very common. But you also have to consider that it usually makes sense within the setting – a lot of anime happens in feudal times. The only reason you don’t see more swords in most shows is that they happen in modern terms. Believe me. If there was an anime version of “Law and Order: SVU,” I’d be the first to cry foul at a sword-wielding Stabler.

Though, how sweet would that version of the show be?

Misconception 2: All Anime is Poorly-Translated
Not so. In reality, only most anime is poorly-translated. And either way, you have to understand that translation is a universal problem. Whether or not it’s animated, dubbing is never going to fit lip movements exactly. (Think of non-Matthew Broderick “Godzilla” movies.) The same is true, for example, of Mexican soap operas – they just happen to be more hilarious.

Misconception 3: All Anime is Essentially Pornography
This is one of the worst misconceptions, as it’s the least true. The fact is that Japan has censoring standards similar to our own – they couldn’t just put naked people on television. Well, technically, someone could, but only once. The next day, they’d be looking for a new job…or a good lawyer.

Here’s a tip: steer clear on any mention of the words “yaoi” or “hentai.” While I won’t go into great detail about what these are, I can safely say that you won’t watch more than ten seconds without attempting to gouge your eyes out. If you do know what these terms mean, I can only hope the day you found out doesn’t revolve around a friend’s “hilarious” prank.

A friend of mine once tricked me into watching yaoi hentai. I’m still traumatized. But out of the two of us, I’m also the most alive, because I killed him.

Misconception 4: All Anime is “Dragon Ball Z” or “Yu-Gi-Oh”
I’d be lying if I said a lot of anime didn’t go this route. I can name at least a dozen series that fall into a very particular subgenre within anime. This genre is typically referred to as “people screaming during extreme close-ups of fights that destroy planets.”

It’s not a catchy name – it’s just very accurate.

There are a number of good shows that involve fighting. There are even a few that are good where long fights take five or more episodes to resolve. But a good rule of thumb is that if it takes a character more than one episode to finish an attack, you should run. Rest assured, if you get interested in a few years, the same fight will probably be going on.

Misconception 5: You Can Judge all Anime by Watching One
Be fair. If the first and only movie you saw was some low-budget “SyFy” original or (shudder) “Alexander,” you’d probably think all American movies were terrible, too. Your best bet is to find someone who knows anime to ease you into it with something non-threatening. Just hope they aren’t very mean or very “clever,” like the friend I mentioned earlier.

Believe it or not, anime-watchers walk among you – they’re probably even your friends. Just make sure you go to the right person. My advice? Steer clear of people who dress like anime characters or consider one of the characters their “girlfriend.”

The other problem is that many people are judging even good shows by a random episode. If you walk into “Bleach” Episode #92 some random Saturday night on “Adult Swim,” the Vegas odds say you’ll probably be confused. The same could be said of any show. In fact, if you missed the right ten seconds of “The X-Files,” I’m sure you’d never know what was going on again.

The Round-up
Just remember that anime doesn’t have to be your enemy. And while the majority is, unfortunately, about as refreshing as a splash of gravel to the face, it’s definitely not all bad. With the right experiences, such as “Cowboy Bebop,” you could really learn to love it.

Or, in the case of anime-loving boyfriends, you’re at least going to have to tolerate it.

Note: This is meant to be taken as an avid anime watcher's take on the genre - your specific mileage may vary based on the individual show you saw.