Video Game Pet Peeves

I've been playing video games since the Atari 2600. Graphically, things have improved quite a bit since then, but oddly enough, developers are still mucking up a lot of the same stuff, too. Over the past ten to fifteen years, here are the things that have been annoying me the most.

Developers, please take a memo on these and try to fix them before games hit the super-futuristic stage like in "Tron" - the only thing worse than sucking is being immersed in a 3D world of sucking.

1. Worthless Characters
In fighting games, a long character list means a good chance that one will match your fighting style. For example, is your style being slow and doing no damage at all? Then you should play as Peach in “Super Smash Bros. Brawl.” Luckily, you have the option of just avoiding her altogether, but they could have filled her spot with – I don’t know – a fighter or something. Zero Suit Samus might dress like a whore, but at least she kicks the butt to back it up.

More evidence Peach was worthless – her ultimate attack was to create fruit. It does exactly as much damage as you might guess. None.

2. Excessively Convoluted Plots
The “Metal Gear Solid” series is a lot of fun. Its plot is also so thick that I’m not sure whether I won or lost when I killed the last boss. I swear that storyline was so obtuse you’d need a PhD to sort it all out. At a certain point in games, I just want someone to be bad and have a sword or gun to kill him.

3. Convenient Item Locations
“The Legend of Zelda” games are famous for this. Why is it that there just so happens to be an ice wall six feet from the treasure chest with the Fire Wand to melt it? Just once, to mess with my head, I’d like to open that chest and find an Ice Wand in there.

4. Repetitive Sounds
Back in the land of 16-bit goodness, there was a little game called “Streets of Rage 3.” Whether or not the game was fun, I don’t recall. Mostly, my brothers and I just did the special attacks to hear an irritating symphony of grating, poorly-recorded voices yell, “Power up!” and “Bare knuckle!” I don’t think I could bring myself to beat that game until I just muted the television.

That game, however, does get bonus points for having a secret code to play as a fighting kangaroo. That’s not even a joke. Go look it up.

5. Limited Soundtrack
Similar to repeating sound effects was the game that only had one song – “Tetris.” Play all you want. Either way, there’s no way to finish that game or song. It just loops forever. In fact, I haven’t played that game in ten years and I can still hear it playing in my head.

6. Random Battles
Whether or not you realize it, any RPG you play only has about five hours of content. Why does it take fifty hours to beat, you ask? Random battles. Depending on the game, you’ll be fighting one somewhere between every two minutes and every two steps. It’s a nice way to extend the experience. It also ensures that, once you’ve taken down the final boss, you back your vehicle repeatedly over the game disc as an act of revenge.

7. Endless Identical Sequels
To me, a sequel advances an ongoing storyline. What I don’t want is a series of games that are pretty much the same, but I have to buy each one. “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai” or whatever was fine. There was no need for “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai 2” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi” or “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi Tortellini.” You can add as many random incomprehensible words as you want to the end. You’re not going to make it any better – you’re just going to run out of room on the game box.

8. Revamping Old Characters
I realize that certain characters need to be updated with the times. But I think some characters should just be left alone. Did you know there’s a game coming out called “Epic Mickey?” The point is that it’s Mickey Mouse during his more rebellious days, running around and causing mischief. If nothing else, the game’s idiotic premise has saved me the trouble of needing to make an actual joke here.

9. Messing with a Working Formula
I played what seems like a few dozen “Sonic the Hedgehog” games when I was younger. It was usually as simple as holding the “right” button and jumping once or twice a level. That was fun for me. The latest games are in 3D and, although the high-speed formula worked for a decade, they’ve completely abandoned fast-paced action. For some reason, I picked up one where Sonic was holding a broadsword. Don’t like that? Well, in another one, you can turn into a werewolf. Is that better?

It worked before. Why change it? This would be like tomorrow deciding fire is a bad way to cook food and just switching to heating it by throwing it at the wall over and over.

10. Inappropriate Fun
Don’t get me wrong – fun is fun. But some games weren’t fun when played the way they were intended. I still remember that I only played hockey and football games for the off chance of giving someone a career-ending injury. And I’m not sure what the actual point was of “Pilotwings,” but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to plow my plane into the ground at the highest possible speed imaginable.

Then again, I don’t read instruction manuals, so you never know…

What are some of the things that irk you most about video games of the past or present?

Anime: Why It's Just as Bad as You Think

Let’s face it. While there’s some excellent anime out there, there’s just as much – if not more – that’s practically unwatchable. I would be remiss to state that anime was good without warning you about a number of problems with the genre. These problems can be neatly summed up as “the reasons most people aren’t watching in the first place.”

It’s not enough to know what’s good. You have to know what’s bad, and exactly how bad it can get. Some things are minor annoyances. Some anime means looking into the Ark of the Covenant afterward just to get some eye relief.

Problem 1: Total Incoherence
Some good series use a lot of difficult words. When things don’t translate exactly right, they tend to keep the Japanese word. You might find it off-putting to hear that someone has to go to Tsubaki Mountain to destroy the Ghubitsu while hounded by Kabu Katsumoto. I realize this is annoying. It’s also the least of your problems.

Some anime series watch more like a mild concussion. “Bobobo” was a particularly nasty offender. While the creators were nice enough to translate it into English, it was obvious after watching a man attack another man with his mustache and fight a giant pancake that something was still lost in the translation.

Specifically, I lost three minutes of my life in that translation.

Problem 2: Endless One-Upping
Ever had a friend that had to top every story you told? That’s tough. Ever had a friend who’s done it for twenty or thirty years? Did he have spiked gold hair and yell a lot?

This is a key flaw even among some of the good fighting series. The bad guy is too tough. The good guy trains to get stronger and beats him. A newer, badder guy appears. The good guy trains again. Not long after, we learn an even badderer guy was pulling the strings.

In the end, what should have been a 12-episode show is stretching into the 300’s and we’re no closer to an outcome. We’re running out of places to put all the corpses of enemies. Our hero is so powerful that he can destroy entire planets with just an angry glance. And yet, the next enemy will shrug off his attack like it was warm breeze. Well…better start training.

Problem 3: Over-the-Top Everything
Any number of famous war strategists over the years stressed the element of surprise. Many tactics involve catching your opponent off guard. As far as I know, none of these men were suggesting you yell the name of your attack loudly while the camera is six inches from your face.

I don’t care if you’re using a “Soul Cutter,” “Iron Reaver Soul Stealer” or even a “Spirit Bomb.” This is a really irritating part of some anime. Maybe the reason your fights last twenty episodes is because your enemies keep seeing your attack coming and dodge it.

Problem 4: Filler Arcs
For those who don’t know, a lot of anime is based on manga – essentially “comics.” This is fine. When it becomes a problem, though, is when a series is going too fast and the manga hasn’t gone far enough to provide it with new material. Think of it as a movie running out of script after an hour, so the characters just stand on camera while new lines are written.

Filler episodes are okay, in small doses. Occasionally, some of the filler material is as good as the rest of the show. Oftentimes, though, it’s pointless and stupid. In the worst cases – ahem, “Naruto,” ahem – the filler lasted several hundred episodes.

At a certain point, you actually forget there’s a main plot amid such episodes as “The Pointless Battle that Doesn’t Affect the Series” and “Hey! Let’s Look Over in These Bushes!”

Problem 5: Non-Epic Battles
I can understand two reincarnated gods doing battle for the souls of everyone on the planet. This is a battle of epic proportions. But conflict isn’t always this good. In fact, it’s much more commonly something like, “The world is doomed…unless we play a children’s card game for some reason!”

“Yu-Gi-Oh” involves saving the world by doing exactly that. (If it’s different, tell me how.) It’s not a good sign of things to come. Inevitably, an anime will come along where champions do battle on the ancient arena known as “Connect Four.”

“I summon my Red Checker in attack mode! Wait! I can’t. You got me here, diagonally! Pretty sneaky, sis…”

The Round-up
Knowing the good and the bad in anime can go a long way in making sure you have a good experience with it. A lot of times, you can avoid some pretty awful stuff just by going with your gut. Specifically, if the show tries to remove the contents of your gut forcefully, it’s probably not for you.

Don’t give up, though. Great anime really is out there. Most of it is looking in the right place. But just as important is knowing where not to look – ever.

Does anything else aggravate you about anime?

Note: This is meant to provide the viewpoint of five first-time anime viewers who walked away thinking all anime was terrible based on one show - it is in no way indicative of the genre as a whole, or based on my own leanings.

Anime: Why It's Not as Bad as You Think

When it comes to anime, most people have an opinion. While it has its followers, a good deal of the populace is unanimous in the decision that it’s terrible. By association, the majority of the populace has labeled those who like it as “weird,” “creepy” and, occasionally, will forgo name-calling of any kind in favor of giving them vigorous wedgies. I’ve personally been on both sides of the stretched elastic.

Of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. The problem is that many people haven’t given anime its fair chance. While there is some anime that is poorly-written, poorly-translated or just an affront to all that is good, this shouldn’t turn everyone off from the seven or eight quality shows in a sea of otherwise unwatchable crap.

Hey, I said it wasn’t all bad – I never said most of it wasn’t.

Misconception 1: All Anime Characters Have Swords, Cat Ears or Weird Hair
Many of the anime shows with oddly-dressed characters are…well, odd. Those that portray normal people tend to be a little less weird. And to be fair, Inuyasha has dog ears, so get your facts straight.

I’ll admit that swords are very common. But you also have to consider that it usually makes sense within the setting – a lot of anime happens in feudal times. The only reason you don’t see more swords in most shows is that they happen in modern terms. Believe me. If there was an anime version of “Law and Order: SVU,” I’d be the first to cry foul at a sword-wielding Stabler.

Though, how sweet would that version of the show be?

Misconception 2: All Anime is Poorly-Translated
Not so. In reality, only most anime is poorly-translated. And either way, you have to understand that translation is a universal problem. Whether or not it’s animated, dubbing is never going to fit lip movements exactly. (Think of non-Matthew Broderick “Godzilla” movies.) The same is true, for example, of Mexican soap operas – they just happen to be more hilarious.

Misconception 3: All Anime is Essentially Pornography
This is one of the worst misconceptions, as it’s the least true. The fact is that Japan has censoring standards similar to our own – they couldn’t just put naked people on television. Well, technically, someone could, but only once. The next day, they’d be looking for a new job…or a good lawyer.

Here’s a tip: steer clear on any mention of the words “yaoi” or “hentai.” While I won’t go into great detail about what these are, I can safely say that you won’t watch more than ten seconds without attempting to gouge your eyes out. If you do know what these terms mean, I can only hope the day you found out doesn’t revolve around a friend’s “hilarious” prank.

A friend of mine once tricked me into watching yaoi hentai. I’m still traumatized. But out of the two of us, I’m also the most alive, because I killed him.

Misconception 4: All Anime is “Dragon Ball Z” or “Yu-Gi-Oh”
I’d be lying if I said a lot of anime didn’t go this route. I can name at least a dozen series that fall into a very particular subgenre within anime. This genre is typically referred to as “people screaming during extreme close-ups of fights that destroy planets.”

It’s not a catchy name – it’s just very accurate.

There are a number of good shows that involve fighting. There are even a few that are good where long fights take five or more episodes to resolve. But a good rule of thumb is that if it takes a character more than one episode to finish an attack, you should run. Rest assured, if you get interested in a few years, the same fight will probably be going on.

Misconception 5: You Can Judge all Anime by Watching One
Be fair. If the first and only movie you saw was some low-budget “SyFy” original or (shudder) “Alexander,” you’d probably think all American movies were terrible, too. Your best bet is to find someone who knows anime to ease you into it with something non-threatening. Just hope they aren’t very mean or very “clever,” like the friend I mentioned earlier.

Believe it or not, anime-watchers walk among you – they’re probably even your friends. Just make sure you go to the right person. My advice? Steer clear of people who dress like anime characters or consider one of the characters their “girlfriend.”

The other problem is that many people are judging even good shows by a random episode. If you walk into “Bleach” Episode #92 some random Saturday night on “Adult Swim,” the Vegas odds say you’ll probably be confused. The same could be said of any show. In fact, if you missed the right ten seconds of “The X-Files,” I’m sure you’d never know what was going on again.

The Round-up
Just remember that anime doesn’t have to be your enemy. And while the majority is, unfortunately, about as refreshing as a splash of gravel to the face, it’s definitely not all bad. With the right experiences, such as “Cowboy Bebop,” you could really learn to love it.

Or, in the case of anime-loving boyfriends, you’re at least going to have to tolerate it.

Note: This is meant to be taken as an avid anime watcher's take on the genre - your specific mileage may vary based on the individual show you saw.