Tech Fails - The "Snuggie"

In an effort to reach a new segment of nerds, I’m going to occasionally do columns about technology. Of course, discussions of cameras, computer specifications and such would put the rest of you to sleep. So I’ve decided to only talk about idiotic technology.

Today’s topic – the “Snuggie.”

I realize I’m talking about this a little late. After all, these things have been around for two years or so and have already been mocked to death. All of that was fine for me. Then, the “Snuggie” went from “ironic purchase” to “popular” and I couldn’t stay silent any longer.

The basic concept of this invention – for the one guy who hasn’t heard of it – is that it’s a blanket you can wear. It allows you to stay warm while talking on the phone or doing the crossword puzzle. Why, according to the commercials, the savvy cultist could even wear their ceremonial robes in public at baseball games and other local sporting events.

With the “Snuggie,” you could finally warn the sinful masses that the end of the world was coming, all while staying warm and cozy.

And then, there was the “Pet Snuggie.” I’m not sure why animals with natural fur actually needed this. Which leads me to believe it was meant as a way to punish your pets. I mean, I think that’s what it was for – that’s why we got one for our dog.

Eventually, they started printing them in designer colors and with the logos of sports teams. People started buying them for friends non-ironically. This is about where hell froze over. Which may be a problem, unless they sell “Snuggies” there.

So let’s do the round-up…

Positives:
-It comes with a swing-out reading light, which is actually kind of cool if you’re easily amused, and I am.
-All the warmth of a 1/82nd inch thick blanket with no loss of arm motion.
-One step up from a surgical gown, I guess.

Negatives:
-Unless you want to take it off, get used to not going to the bathroom.
-There’s no way to secure the open back – standing, moving, leaning forward, breathing, etc. make it fall off.
-My girlfriend won’t share hers with me.

Adventures in Retail

The other day, as I was checking out at “Dollar General,” I was a bit surprised. Instead of the usual small talk at the register, the cashier sneered, looked at my sweat pants and said, “Wow. Sweatpants. Thanks for trying to impress me.”

Suddenly, the backlog of comebacks that rushed into the back of my brain jammed up together and I had a stroke.

There are ever so many things wrong with what the cashier said to me, I was very sad that I’d only be able to make one snarky remark back. Luckily, I blog. The remarks I didn’t make can be included here. It’s the insulter’s equivalent of feeling better by writing about a bad day in your journal.

First off, let’s be realistic. I was shopping at Dollar General. Thoughts of impressing people obviously didn’t enter into this business transaction on any level.

Don’t believe me? Think of it this way. Is there any sentence that begins with, “I wanted to impress someone, so I went to Dollar General and…”? No. And there never will be.

Secondly, this woman was a cashier. Not to be mean to cashiers, but I don’t make wardrobe decisions with the conscious effort to impress them. If there’s some benefit to wearing a tuxedo and really impressing someone who scans my purchases – such as really fast check-out – at this point, I think I’ll forgo it for the ease and comfort of sweatpants.

Thirdly, why was it any of her business? Are sweatpants really so offensive for a quick purchase? If I got dressed up every time I went out for a bottle of soda…well, I wouldn’t go out as often, because I’m lazy.

Fourthly (or, actually, back to the first point again), let’s be more realistic. I was shopping at Dollar General. Is a well-groomed man wearing sweatpants really the worst thing that’s walked through those doors? I think not.

Lastly (and the remark I actually said), was this. “You’ve got an eye for detail.” Now, that might not seem like a great insult, but you have to consider the context. Five seconds before I walked up to her, a father (I assume) was chewing out his son and ex-wife about her new husband. As icing on the socially inappropriate cake, he left the store cursing after cuffing his child on the back of the head and telling him not to talk to “that man who’s not your real father.”

And this is where you walked in – this is the point where I get scolded for how I dressed.

That’s kind of like being distracted from an exploding bomb by someone making popping sounds with their cheeks.