There is a saying that “from crisis comes opportunity.” While it was probably some obtuse metaphor about just not being a wuss, it’s something we can apply to many aspects of life. For example, many will see a call from a telemarketer as an annoyance. But within the annoyance are many opportunities for personal amusement and, occasionally, free services.
1. Language Transfer
Most telemarketers will happily transfer you to someone who speaks better English than they do. But why stop there? Do they have someone that can speak Spanish? French? Dutch? Once you’ve exhausted the normal languages, try more difficult transfers, like, “Connect me with someone who speaks in broken English.” Or, “Transfer me to someone who sounds like Justin Bieber.”
2. Free Therapy
Startling research has shown that many practicing therapists have no license in psychology. Scary? Maybe. But it also means that any given stranger is fine to tell your problems to. Telemarketers are an easy choice, since they’re already paid to listen to what you have to say and respond accordingly. They may not be too keen on the idea at first, but frankly, you’re really in no shape to change long distance carriers until you’ve dealt with your “middle child” issues anyway.
3. Relentless Innuendo
If the telemarketer is really rubbing you the wrong way, consider rubbing them back in a worse way. For those without the creativity to make financial services sound dirty – and you’re in the minority – there are easier ways. Just repeat back whatever they just offered you in a deeper voice and you’re well on your way to becoming a troubling human resources complaint.
4. Disturbing Questions
Any salesman is expected to be an expert in his field. But why ask easy questions about his carpet cleaning service? Instead, ask things like, “Can it clean human blood?” Or, “If you turn your machines up to full, will it drown out the voices?” If they interrupt a meal, consider asking questions totally unrelated to their product, like, “How does Chinese water torture work?”
5. Bargaining
It’s an unwritten rule that many companies are willing to negotiate their terms. A good bargainer might get a lower interest rate on a loan or a smaller monthly payment. A great negotiator, however, might get them to throw in a free car wash every week, or a free tray of mini muffins. Be creative. If the person on the phone seems hesitant to offer you a backrub to make the sale, just ask how much he really wants your business.
6. Adopt a Persona
With the same people day in and day out, telemarketers must get bored. To spice up their day, play a character during your conversation. Homemaker with two children? Dull. Retired cop on the edge whose daughter was killed by the last serial killer he put behind bars? Now that’s something they’ll be talking about around the water cooler.
7. Religious Undertones
Try to bring any topic of conversation back to religion. Of course, the telemarketer may not enjoy this, but this person probably didn’t consider your feelings when they called either. Loans and credit cards are probably the easiest. “You know, Jesus paid for your sins in full, with zero percent interest.”
If you’re good, the sky’s the limit for telemarketing calls. Then again, either way, doing any one of these things at least ensures a quick hang-up on the other line. Plus, if you’re disturbing enough, there’s a good chance you’ll end up on a “Do Not Call” list without even asking.
Showing posts with label guide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guide. Show all posts
Monday, July 26, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Seven Habits of Highly Unemployed People
Hard work, dedication and a game plan – these are three things you’ll have to avoid entirely if you have no plans on ever reentering the workforce.
Anyone can be jobless. Even in a good economy, losing your job is as simple as having a few drinks at the company Christmas party and needing to prove to your boss that you’re a “big man.” Still, few people can truly find a state of permanent and blissful “unemployment.”
Here are seven tips on avoiding the daily grind:
#1: Change your Way of Thinking
A lot of your friends, family and most societies throughout the world will look down on you for not working. You can’t get caught up in ideas like that. Viewing life as a constant need to move upward is known as “vertical thinking.” You need to use “horizontal thinking.” In fact, while you’re at it, start doing everything horizontally – sleeping, eating and watching television are all good starts.
#2: Find Time for Yourself
It’s easy to lose personal focus when you have so many lives of daytime television characters to worry yourself about. But the free time during unemployment is the perfect time for self-discovery. Luckily, it’s much easier to find something when it’s always on the couch, right where you left it.
#3: Stay Busy
Most people don’t know what to do with themselves while not employed. The trick is to find one project every day to complete. A good suggestion is spending at least three hours each morning growing a very untidy beard. Mustaches are easy. But a scruffy, ninth-grader beard is your way of saying, “Even if I accidentally walked into a job interview, my appearance alone would keep me out of a job.”
#4: Get Your Rest
Between barely moving, not doing laundry and refreshing your Facebook homepage, it can be hard to find time for proper rest. Sleep is important for maintaining your health and vitality. There’s no set rule for how many hours you should get a day. If you’re having trouble with it, try sleeping until you no longer have a sense of the passage of night and day.
#5: Manage Your Personal Ties
Once you stop working, it might be tricky to keep your relationships in order. This is a good start, as friends and family tend to complicate joblessness. They keep asking questions like, “When are going to go back to work?” or “Get out of my basement.”
Truly alienating your closest friends, however, will take more skill. They’ve stuck by you for years and may be hard to get rid of. To complete the task, be sure to repeatedly tell them how difficult it is to sit in a bathrobe for twenty-two hours a day. For extra effect, always point out how happy you are that it’s “finally the weekend.”
#6: Create Clever Titles
Some jobless people can’t get over negative titles like “unemployed.” That’s why you’ll need to think of new ways to label yourself. Do you criticize commercials out loud? “Marketing consultant.” Do you spend all day ogling attractive female characters in “World of Warcraft?” “Human resources analyst.”
Failing any of that, “freelance writer” is always a safe bet.
#7: Keep Things Fresh
Despite all the perks and easy lifestyle involved in not having a job, it will eventually get tiresome. Just remember that variety is the spice of life – or lack of one. There’s lot of ways to pass the time while not technically adding anything to society. Spend some time in Starbucks “writing your novel” so everyone can see it. Nurse the same one-dollar item at a fast food restaurant for eight hours. Make that “Bionic Man” noise whenever you get off the couch or go to the bathroom.
Anyone can be jobless. Even in a good economy, losing your job is as simple as having a few drinks at the company Christmas party and needing to prove to your boss that you’re a “big man.” Still, few people can truly find a state of permanent and blissful “unemployment.”
Here are seven tips on avoiding the daily grind:
#1: Change your Way of Thinking
A lot of your friends, family and most societies throughout the world will look down on you for not working. You can’t get caught up in ideas like that. Viewing life as a constant need to move upward is known as “vertical thinking.” You need to use “horizontal thinking.” In fact, while you’re at it, start doing everything horizontally – sleeping, eating and watching television are all good starts.
#2: Find Time for Yourself
It’s easy to lose personal focus when you have so many lives of daytime television characters to worry yourself about. But the free time during unemployment is the perfect time for self-discovery. Luckily, it’s much easier to find something when it’s always on the couch, right where you left it.
#3: Stay Busy
Most people don’t know what to do with themselves while not employed. The trick is to find one project every day to complete. A good suggestion is spending at least three hours each morning growing a very untidy beard. Mustaches are easy. But a scruffy, ninth-grader beard is your way of saying, “Even if I accidentally walked into a job interview, my appearance alone would keep me out of a job.”
#4: Get Your Rest
Between barely moving, not doing laundry and refreshing your Facebook homepage, it can be hard to find time for proper rest. Sleep is important for maintaining your health and vitality. There’s no set rule for how many hours you should get a day. If you’re having trouble with it, try sleeping until you no longer have a sense of the passage of night and day.
#5: Manage Your Personal Ties
Once you stop working, it might be tricky to keep your relationships in order. This is a good start, as friends and family tend to complicate joblessness. They keep asking questions like, “When are going to go back to work?” or “Get out of my basement.”
Truly alienating your closest friends, however, will take more skill. They’ve stuck by you for years and may be hard to get rid of. To complete the task, be sure to repeatedly tell them how difficult it is to sit in a bathrobe for twenty-two hours a day. For extra effect, always point out how happy you are that it’s “finally the weekend.”
#6: Create Clever Titles
Some jobless people can’t get over negative titles like “unemployed.” That’s why you’ll need to think of new ways to label yourself. Do you criticize commercials out loud? “Marketing consultant.” Do you spend all day ogling attractive female characters in “World of Warcraft?” “Human resources analyst.”
Failing any of that, “freelance writer” is always a safe bet.
#7: Keep Things Fresh
Despite all the perks and easy lifestyle involved in not having a job, it will eventually get tiresome. Just remember that variety is the spice of life – or lack of one. There’s lot of ways to pass the time while not technically adding anything to society. Spend some time in Starbucks “writing your novel” so everyone can see it. Nurse the same one-dollar item at a fast food restaurant for eight hours. Make that “Bionic Man” noise whenever you get off the couch or go to the bathroom.
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