Adventures in Retail

The other day, as I was checking out at “Dollar General,” I was a bit surprised. Instead of the usual small talk at the register, the cashier sneered, looked at my sweat pants and said, “Wow. Sweatpants. Thanks for trying to impress me.”

Suddenly, the backlog of comebacks that rushed into the back of my brain jammed up together and I had a stroke.

There are ever so many things wrong with what the cashier said to me, I was very sad that I’d only be able to make one snarky remark back. Luckily, I blog. The remarks I didn’t make can be included here. It’s the insulter’s equivalent of feeling better by writing about a bad day in your journal.

First off, let’s be realistic. I was shopping at Dollar General. Thoughts of impressing people obviously didn’t enter into this business transaction on any level.

Don’t believe me? Think of it this way. Is there any sentence that begins with, “I wanted to impress someone, so I went to Dollar General and…”? No. And there never will be.

Secondly, this woman was a cashier. Not to be mean to cashiers, but I don’t make wardrobe decisions with the conscious effort to impress them. If there’s some benefit to wearing a tuxedo and really impressing someone who scans my purchases – such as really fast check-out – at this point, I think I’ll forgo it for the ease and comfort of sweatpants.

Thirdly, why was it any of her business? Are sweatpants really so offensive for a quick purchase? If I got dressed up every time I went out for a bottle of soda…well, I wouldn’t go out as often, because I’m lazy.

Fourthly (or, actually, back to the first point again), let’s be more realistic. I was shopping at Dollar General. Is a well-groomed man wearing sweatpants really the worst thing that’s walked through those doors? I think not.

Lastly (and the remark I actually said), was this. “You’ve got an eye for detail.” Now, that might not seem like a great insult, but you have to consider the context. Five seconds before I walked up to her, a father (I assume) was chewing out his son and ex-wife about her new husband. As icing on the socially inappropriate cake, he left the store cursing after cuffing his child on the back of the head and telling him not to talk to “that man who’s not your real father.”

And this is where you walked in – this is the point where I get scolded for how I dressed.

That’s kind of like being distracted from an exploding bomb by someone making popping sounds with their cheeks.