Don't Fear the Remake

I've spent a lot of time hovering between "cautious optimism" and "wanting to write strongly-worded and somewhat immature letters to Nintendo" regarding their remake of "Goldeneye" for the Wii.

During my crazier 64-bit cartridge days, it was one of my favorite games. That's not saying much, as it was practically everyone's favorite. (For the record, I only think the "Beatles" were okay, though, so it evens that out.) What was impressive, however, is that it managed to be my favorite in spite of the fact that I don't even like first-person shooters. Then again, most shooting games don't give you the option of shooting thousands of Russian soldiers in the crotch and watching them dance.

The thought of a remake was initially bad news for me. Sure, I'd love a great new game to play. But remakes of any kind tend to range in quality somewhere in the range of "awful" to "Amy Winehouse."

After a lot of thinking, though, I realized that maybe that's the point - even if remakes suck, they can never take away the three years of fun I had misusing proximity mines so long ago.

Look at it this way. A lot of people thought the new "Godzilla" movie was terrible a while back. But consider what it was remaking. Was a poorly-dubbed monster tearing through cheap cardboard cutouts of buildings really all that amazing? I think the remake just pointed out flaws in the existing product - if you use an ugly model for a sculpture, your final product will look bad, too.

And, if nothing else (and I'm pretty sure there was nothing), that movie did have a "Taco Bell" tie-in when they introduced Gorditas, so humanity did okay on that one, I think.

The important thing to remember is that we tend to put our fondest memories on a pedestal. After a few years pass, we may even idealize them to the point that nothing could possibly compete. It's no surprise when, a little later, the remake...well, doesn't compete.

Even if this new Goldeneye isn't all its cracked up to be, I think I'm okay with it. If it's great, that's fine - judging from the reviews so far, it looks like it's at least worth a rental. Either way, it could never make me love the good old blow-to-clean cartridge version any less.

One way or another, I'll always have fond memories, and when the wind blows, I'll hear it say, "Big head mode. Big head mode..."

A Modern Day Fairytale

I'm glad this has never happened in real life.

Modern technology has allowed for any number of ways to meet a significant other. For example, I first started talking to my own girlfriend online. Nerds in this era should have no trouble finding someone to share long sessions of online video games with. Or kissing. Whatever, perv.

And yet, they still do.

Granted, I'm not saying all online contact is a great place to spark up a romantic meeting. I personally know of one guy in college who tried to hit on any girl he ever saw in a "Halo" game. We've since fallen out of touch, so I don't know if it ever worked. But even if he were married because of it, I'd be dreading having to explain that story to the grandkids.

"I'd just shot her in the head with a rocket. Then I told her an off-color joke about what else she could put in her face. And from there, well, it was just magic."

But it's sad, really. As connected as nerds are - many of them generally talking to the same people all around the world on forums and such every day - many of them are still alone. And while single people can just as happy as ones in couples, it's always nice to have a "player two."

Note to Everyone: Don't refer to your significant other as "player two." It causes them to hit you in the arm really hard.