Monster Hunter: Fun Trivia

When it comes to video games, I believe the best ones can be picked up and played without even reading the instruction manual. I used to think the manuals were a fun way to spend the agonizing ride home from the video game store. But now that I'm driving - and reading while at the wheel is a bit dangerous - the system has sort of broken down a bit.

Some months down the line, I consider myself reasonably well-versed in all things Monster Hunter Tri. Every now and then I'll still learn something, but I do okay. Many of the things I know now, I wish I could go back and teach myself. For example, if you really have to pee, there's a way to pause.

It's not necessary to finish an entire half-hour fight while doing the "bathroom dance."

Today's comic was meant to demonstrate a few lesser-known facts about the game. While trial and error is fine, I think it's best to skip it whenever possible. Neither "trial" nor "error" sounds all that pleasant, if you really think about it.

It's also worth mentioning that every lesson here is based on a true story from my own gameplay experience. This is all the more reason to share this information. There are better ways to learn about nasty Rhenoplos habits than being stepped on repeatedly during a fight.

What are some of your hard-learned lessons? I won't judge you. (I've done worse.) And if it's particularly funny, the lesson may even end up in a comic, too.

The Shyamalan Cycle

Long ago, I stopped being disappointed by M. Night Shyamalan movies - the trick was to stop seeing them.

A lot of my friends get excited every time one comes out. I don't blame them. A few years back, I was just like them. That was before I reached enlightenment in the Shyamalan Cycle - I was freed from the endless cycle of terrible movies and high expectations.

It's kind of like reincarnation, on a very superficial level that begs for little to no scrutiny.

Every time a movie comes out, I used to get all excited. I'd wonder what the twist ending might be. And shortly afterward, I'd leave the theater very disappointed. All the twist endings are pretty obvious midway through the opening credits. Either that, or they're so convoluted that no one had any chance of guessing in advance - even looking back, they're still incomprehensible.

Eventually, I realized that he only ever made one good movie - "The Sixth Sense." We were all very surprised by the ending. Since then, it's been failure after failure. But so many of us keep going back. It's like an abusive husband. Trust me - no matter how much he says he loves you, he's going to keep hitting you.

And I, Mr. Shyamalan, am too good for an abusive movie-going relationship with you. Your movies are disappointing. And your last name is so complex it looks wrong even when I looked it up twenty times.

Jerk.

Monster Hunter: The Honor System

Nothing takes the air out of a hunt faster than having that big red "Quest Failed" message pop onto your screen.

From a gameplay perspective, I get it. Having a time limit means more of a challenge. It prevents people from safely whittling down monster health over the course of several hours. In the game world, though, it seems arbitrary and stupid - it baffles me.

A lot of the quest orders mention a monster attacking a city, trade convoy or other important location. Of course, I understand that if your city is being terrorized, you want the monster killed. But why does the monster have to be dead in 50 minutes? What's happening in 51 minutes that's so damned important?

And it's not just the time limit. It's the precise time of 50 minutes. Why not a full hour? Why such an arbitrary amount of time? So...why not 52 minutes, or 46 minutes?

In happier news, as you may have noticed, this is a rare "nerding for the weekend" post. I'm happy to announce the blog has zoomed past 5000 views! And I do mean zoomed. Because in the amount of time between hitting the milestone and posting this, I'm already well over 5500 hits.

As always, I'd like to thank the fans. And it's not just because you read. But I'd also like to thank you all for being so good-looking, intelligent and good at sports.

Also, thanks for letting me suck up to you...

Creative license run amok...

If the previews for "The Social Network" movie are to believed, Mark Zuckerberg is the reincarnation of James Dean and Chuck Norris combined.

I have no doubt Zuckerberg has learned a bit of media savvy over the years. When you're head of a huge company like "Facebook," I'm sure you have to. But the thought that he was being a rebel from the get-go - and in the middle of disciplinary hearings - is taking it a bit too far. If I were in front of the Harvard disciplinary committee with charges of theft and breaking into their network, I'm at least sweating a bit. Chances are good I'm needing a change of underwear afterward.

I'm certainly not going to be rude and mocking the committee members during the questioning.

Facebook is an Empire - I'm not denying that. But I was there. Its formative years were nothing like what that movie make them out to be. Facebook is not a crime family. Its founder is certainly not the don. He's probably just a big as of a nerd as I am. I bet we'd even hang out.

For my part, I'm on Zuckerberg's side on this...to an extent. I agree with him in the sense that he probably wasn't as big of a jerk as they make him out to be. Then again, I also don't think he was partying like a rock star, getting groupies and having conversations with anyone who looked anything like Justin Timberlake.

Of course, I'm sure a movie about the real story would have been really dull. I'd much rather have seen a movie about the founding of "Myspace." It could have used the tag line: "You don't get to 50 million friends - and 750 million more fake accounts used to post pornographic photos and hit on girls (and guys) you don't know - without making a few enemies."

It's a bit wordy - I'll work on it.

Monster Hunter: Felyne Theft

For those unfamiliar with Monster Hunter Tri, Felynes are essentially cats that walk on their hind legs, yowl and steal your things. Basically, aside from walking on hind legs, they're like all cats. To sum up, I hate them.

Those familiar with the game are probably very familiar with these critters. (And not for pleasant reasons.) While they pose no danger to your actual life, they have the nasty habit of targeting you when you're doing something else. These tasks usually involve fighting fire-breathing lizards fifty times your size. This is pretty much the last time you want something diverting your attention.

It occurs to me, though, that I have no idea why they steal your things. Nothing I'm carrying ever seems like something a cat would really want. Aside from Felvine - the equivalent of very strong catnip - I doubt anything in my bag would get their interest.

Which leads me to the obvious conclusion - like all cats, Felynes are just jerks.

Me? I'm much more of a dog person. They're fun to play with, they snuggle you and their fur doesn't cause me to sneeze and turn red. They also care whether you live or die, which is a plus.

You'd probably think I'm getting off my main point. But that would also assume I really had a point. I guess the gist of it all is that I don't like cats much. Ones that steal my stuff - and throw bombs, which I forgot to mention earlier - endear themselves to me even less.

Though it is cool if you're carrying a torch - it makes them dance!

Cowboy Bebop: Five Minutes Later...

I guess you could say this should be tagged as a spoiler, but as no one actually knows how "Cowboy Bebop" ends, there's really not much to spoil, I suppose.

As anime goes, Bebop is pretty much the pinnacle achievement. Any conversation you've had with someone about good anime most likely mentioned it. In fact, only one I can think of didn't include it. And that doesn't count, since I was talking to a homeless man who accused me of stealing his thoughts at the time.

Since the series ended more than ten years ago, I don't feel all that bad talking about the ending. If you haven't seen it yet, go watch it now before reading any further. Overall, though, it's pretty much like "The Sixth Sense" - if you haven't seen it yet, you probably never will.

By the way, Bruce Willis is a ghost...or a superhero...or bad director. Sorry. I get my Shyamalan twist endings mixed up sometimes.

In any case, I think one of the enduring qualities of the show is that there was no definite ending. The main character, Spike, ends up falling after sustaining serious injuries. The audience is left to decide for themselves whether he got up later or not. In its way, it was a brilliant move by the writer. In another way, it makes me want to punch him in the stomach.

I suppose it's for the best. Some of the best discussion I've had online has been about the ending of the series. And while I've had my share of, "Spike died and you're a retarded gay jerk for thinking otherwise," I think the ending mostly created good discourse among anime fans.

Incidentally, I had to clean up the grammar of the above example argument. The people who make those statements usually don't spell that well. And they certainly don't use the word "otherwise."

As far as how it ended, I have no real opinion. But Spike - whether he lived or died - rocked my face off for twenty-six episodes and one movie. Well done, sir.

And...let the speculation begin. What do you think?

Monster Hunter: Armor Types

I'm willing to accept a certain amount of artistic flair when it comes to female armor, but even I have my limits.

This creates the obvious conflict of interests for me. As a guy, there's a certain appeal to scantily-clad women swinging large swords. As a realist, I also understand the very poor protection these armors would provide to the midriff area.

And back. And neck. And legs. And...well, so forth.

Still, the gender stereotypes are probably here to stay. Which sucks. Because in addition to girls being dressed like strippers in most suits of armor, I'm also not fond of playing as males - their armors tend to look more like small SUVs than outerwear. You'd think occasionally a light vest would be an option.

Some will be quick to tell me that I could just not play as girls in video games. But it goes back to the old adage: "If I'm going to stare at a character's back for five hours at a time, it might as well be a girl."

Jess probably doesn't mind, as she's dating a guy who notices weak points in female armor first.

Video Game Lessons: Theft

We learn quite a few lessons from playing video games - almost all of them horrible.

Among these lessons is the surprisingly vague concept of "ownership." In the real world, people own things in their homes. In video games, homes are just storage places to keep the hero's loot.

In a lot of cases, it's "no harm - no foul." There's nothing wrong with picking a loose herb or two off the ground. After all, no one was using it anyway. But the line gets iffy when you start looting graves. And the lesson gets worse when you realize all the coolest equipment is from the oldest and most sacred graves.

Things only get worse in towns. Sure, the hero will occasionally buy something and support the local economy. For the most part, though, it's just a matter of wandering through people's unlocked homes (which is already trespassing) to find stuff you want. In life or death situations, you might argue the end justifies the means, but still.

Link was a particularly bad offender. Not only did he steal stuff, but a lot of it was right in sight of the homeowners. And, in the worst cases, he'll steal their stuff, hold it above his head so everyone can see it and then have musical fanfare playing. That's theft with a touchdown dance at the end.

I'm not really sure what to make of "Resident Evil" games. I mean, it's a zombie disaster and whoever is still living deserves the guns and stuff. Then again, how carefully do you really check to see if there are still survivors? If it were me, I'd just be finding stuff I wanted in houses and taking it. Because I seriously think your high-end DVD player is a key for a puzzle. Somewhere. Probably.

Then again, if there's a zombie disaster, I'm probably locking myself in the bathroom and pointing a shotgun at the door for a week - I might be a bit too timid for looting.

What do you think - is video game "looting" right or wrong?

Splitting Hairs

I've been seeing a lot of commercials lately for new razors. I don't know the specifics. But apparently, my old razor (which was made by the same company, mind you) causes irritating "tug and pull." This is odd, because a year ago, my old razor was the pinnacle of human advancement.

I realize technology improves over time. I also realize that things often aren't as bad as companies make them out to be. If I believed what the commercials were saying, I've spent the past three years dragging a damp cat across my face.

Which is a vast improvement over five years ago, when "Gillette" says I was shaving with a handful of jagged glass and sharp rocks.

But there's just as much problem with the new models. How much better can shaving really get? Those blades are already half the thickness of a strand of DNA. Any thinner, and my stubble will be cutting through it instead of the other way around.

I'm not sold. And I'd advise you to not believe the hype either. No matter what the commercials claim, I highly doubt their new razor is like splashing a handful of rainbows on my face and hugging a unicorn.

Nor would I want it to be - weren't men supposed to be...manly?

Monster Hunter: Flexing History

It's probably no secret I love Monster Hunter Tri - it's not perfect, though.

If I had to point out one problem with the game, it would probably be the lack of urgency your hunter seems to display. Being attacked by a gigantic monster elicits a certain response. Be it swinging a sword, healing or screaming like a little girl, I'd be doing them all at a frantic pace. Trust me.

Your hunter, however, prefers to lazily do everything. They casually sip on a healing Potion as though they were at a wine tasting. And to make matters worse - and I'm not joking about this - they then flex for a solid three seconds in place.

I have no idea why this is in the game, aside from artificially creating difficulty. But if you're like almost every person I've spoken to about it who plays, you probably find it terribly annoying. Of course, there are armor skills that allow you to consume Potions more quickly and without the irritating pause at the end to allow a monster to clobber you. Then again, why should the common sense not to leave myself wide open to attack every time I heal be a skill in-game?

That's why I used the Potion in the first place. I wanted more health. Not less.

Monster Hunter: Difficulty Changes

Video game difficulty can be tricky. If you make it too easy, people will be breezing through it in under two hours and be bored. If you make it too hard, it will be that "Indiana Jones" game for the Atari that was pretty much unbeatable without the reflexes of a demigod.

"Monster Hunter Tri" has the balance fairly well, though it's not always consistent. The first few things you fight, for example, are a joke. By the end, though, you'll be frantically trying to avoid two-hit kills from super-powered monsters that are so large and powerful they affect local weather.

In short, we need some tweaks. Hard.

Great Jaggi and Gobul need to be harder. And Melynxes need to start randomly stealing my items. I'm sick of them targeting the best thing in my inventory to swipe every single time. I realize there's not much incentive for them to steal my least cool things, but still - they could meet me halfway on this. Despite them focusing on me during every battle, I've yet to actually attack one. Why do they hate me so?

And yes, I picked on the Great Jaggi again - that guy is ripe for comedy.

Things I Miss: World of Warcraft

My third year of college was - for all intents and purposes - one long game of "World of Warcraft." Somewhere between finding treasure and slaying things, I found time to pass my courses. At least, that's what my transcripts later said. I have no actual recollection of the classes that led to this fact.

That was my video game hayday. Since then, I really haven't found the time to be that obsessed about any game. "World of Warcraft" in particular, I haven't played in a long time. I'm convinced there's no way to play it except obsessively. Being in a relationship - not to mention needing to occasionally eat, sleep and shower - doesn't leave me time for such obsessions.

But there are definitely times I miss it. And why not? Everything in that game is so immediately rewarding. Killing something gives me gold. Finishing a quest gives me experience and items.

Real life is rarely so rewarding. Sure, I kill a lot of bugs and such, but the drops are lousy. And then I have to clean them up.

Even that snake didn't give me anything good.

With the next expansion pack looming, I'm tempted to get back into it. Though I would also be single within a few months, so maybe not. Of course, if I can convince Jess to play, all bets are off.

Monster Hunter: Deeper Cleaning

Like many of the monsters in Monster Hunter Tri, the Royal Ludroth has a real-world counterpart. The Gobul is a big devil frog. Kelbi are just deer, pretty much.

For whatever reason, the Royal Ludroth is a large cleaning sponge.

Granted, it's far more ornery than most sponges I've used. And I couldn't begin to guess which side is the abrasive one. After all, it's all pretty abrasive. And I don't just mean he has a very bad attitude. Some sides literally have claws, teeth or little spines jutting out.

I'm not sure how well it would clean. I mean, after all, it would probably destroy your bathroom if it went rampaging around. So...pretty much don't use it on frosted glass in showers and all that.

Happy hunting!

Conversation Collecting...

I just got back from the big Labor Day celebration. It was very fun. And very filling. At the best points, it was both.

Family get-togethers are always interesting for me. Because even though the years change, a lot of the questions stay the same from year to year. It's not anyone's fault - we just don't see each other enough to keep up-to-date on these sorts of things. So I tend to field these same five questions every year:

1. What are you doing for work lately?
This one, I probably dread the most. As I currently have nothing I would consider work in the technical sense (i.e. no one gives me money), it's never fun to answer. I think I rambled something about writing and then excused myself politely.

2. So...when are you and Jess going to get married?
Okay. I take it back. I dread this one the most. Luckily, no one asked about it this year. Which is good, because even when I know, I have to let Jess know first...

3. What do you think of this baseball season?
I'm not totally hopeless when it comes to sports. I could actually ramble on about football for some time. But for whatever reason, people are always asking me about the one sport I have no interest in. This year, I managed to slide away from that conversation before they really got into it. Thus, no one had to know how little I know about baseball. Are there still four bases? Cool.

4. How's college?
It's still there. I think. Beyond that, I have no idea - I graduated more than three years ago.

5. Give various reasons why "Cowboy Bebop" was an excellent anime.
So this really isn't a question. Also, it's never come up. But I wish it would. I have lots to say on the issue, if only someone would give me the chance. Then, of course, they'd regret it deeply...

Well, those were my Labor Day experiences. Hopefully everyone had fun in all the countries that celebrate that sort of thing. By my count, I think there's just the one, but who knows?

How were your big weekends?

The Wii Cycle

Some years ago, the Wii was announced. Immediately, it was seen as a way to get active, fight childhood obesity and secretly transform a generation of sedentary gamers into fitness machines. Today, I keep trying to find shortcuts to moving my entire arm to play.

Don’t get me wrong. What the Wii tried to do was as well-intentioned as it was revolutionary. It also ignored the fact that if video gamers were looking for a physical challenge, they probably wouldn’t be playing video games in the first place.

My first day with Wii Sports was crazy. I was running and jumping around. I was swinging my arms and diving into furniture. Of course, bowling doesn’t require any of these actions, but I was excited.

I bowled a 6, for the record.

Two years later, I get aggravated any time a game sneaks in motion controls. I bought the Wii for the novelty of movement. But I bought my couch for the novelty of remaining motionless except for my thumb and forefingers. And – to be fair – the couch was here first.

Now, I may be a bit lazier than most. But I doubt my story is totally unique. Is anyone else sick of the Wii trying to improve them as a person, or is it just me?

Though, the one upside is when my Wii warns me to use the wrist strap to keep from throwing my controller accidentally – that’s always good for a chuckle.

Good News!

For the sake of the sheer awesomeness of it, I wanted to note a recent event of note for the blog. My Monster Hunter Tri comics were recently featured on the Capcom site. As this is a legitimate company that makes video games and I was recognized by them, I was understandably very excited. When I saw it, I squealed like a little girl.

Luckily, Jess caught my squealing - the shame of it allowed my head from getting too big.

Not much more to say about it than that. Of course, I will say thank you for all the support I've been receiving. In addition to the entire Monster Hunter community, I'd like to thank all the other nerds who have made all this worth writing. As I'm so fond of saying, without all you, it's pretty much just me talking to myself about video games and movies.

Oh, and the link to the article is here:
http://www.capcom-unity.com/snow_infernus/blog/2010/08/31/monster_hunter_fan_comics_to_start_your_tuesday

Monster Hunter: Wyvern Eggs

Personally, I can't imagine a worse situation than living next to a store in a video game. Have they ever stocked anything useful? I mean, sure, they tend to have firearms, swords, medicine and other things like that. But what if I'm jonesing for some Doritos at 3am?

Or, as is often the case, what if I'm jonesing for them at all hours of the day?

Granted, they tend to focus on the necessities, but the Moga Village Farm is pretty ridiculous. I can grow honey and mushrooms there. I can even grow assorted bugs. But if you want milk or eggs, you're out of luck. It's not one of those fancy farms with cows, chickens or livestock of any kind. (I'm not counting the pet pig - he's too adorable to eat.) If not for the fishermen in the village, I'm sure everyone in Moga would starve to death.

Then again, maybe I expect too much realism from a digital farm worked by talking, bipedal cats?

And yes, I know there's not really a "Panera" in Loc Lac. But there should be. By virtue that there should be a "Panera" everywhere - that Broccoli Cheese Soup is hauntingly good.