There is a saying that “from crisis comes opportunity.” While it was probably some obtuse metaphor about just not being a wuss, it’s something we can apply to many aspects of life. For example, many will see a call from a telemarketer as an annoyance. But within the annoyance are many opportunities for personal amusement and, occasionally, free services.
1. Language Transfer
Most telemarketers will happily transfer you to someone who speaks better English than they do. But why stop there? Do they have someone that can speak Spanish? French? Dutch? Once you’ve exhausted the normal languages, try more difficult transfers, like, “Connect me with someone who speaks in broken English.” Or, “Transfer me to someone who sounds like Justin Bieber.”
2. Free Therapy
Startling research has shown that many practicing therapists have no license in psychology. Scary? Maybe. But it also means that any given stranger is fine to tell your problems to. Telemarketers are an easy choice, since they’re already paid to listen to what you have to say and respond accordingly. They may not be too keen on the idea at first, but frankly, you’re really in no shape to change long distance carriers until you’ve dealt with your “middle child” issues anyway.
3. Relentless Innuendo
If the telemarketer is really rubbing you the wrong way, consider rubbing them back in a worse way. For those without the creativity to make financial services sound dirty – and you’re in the minority – there are easier ways. Just repeat back whatever they just offered you in a deeper voice and you’re well on your way to becoming a troubling human resources complaint.
4. Disturbing Questions
Any salesman is expected to be an expert in his field. But why ask easy questions about his carpet cleaning service? Instead, ask things like, “Can it clean human blood?” Or, “If you turn your machines up to full, will it drown out the voices?” If they interrupt a meal, consider asking questions totally unrelated to their product, like, “How does Chinese water torture work?”
5. Bargaining
It’s an unwritten rule that many companies are willing to negotiate their terms. A good bargainer might get a lower interest rate on a loan or a smaller monthly payment. A great negotiator, however, might get them to throw in a free car wash every week, or a free tray of mini muffins. Be creative. If the person on the phone seems hesitant to offer you a backrub to make the sale, just ask how much he really wants your business.
6. Adopt a Persona
With the same people day in and day out, telemarketers must get bored. To spice up their day, play a character during your conversation. Homemaker with two children? Dull. Retired cop on the edge whose daughter was killed by the last serial killer he put behind bars? Now that’s something they’ll be talking about around the water cooler.
7. Religious Undertones
Try to bring any topic of conversation back to religion. Of course, the telemarketer may not enjoy this, but this person probably didn’t consider your feelings when they called either. Loans and credit cards are probably the easiest. “You know, Jesus paid for your sins in full, with zero percent interest.”
If you’re good, the sky’s the limit for telemarketing calls. Then again, either way, doing any one of these things at least ensures a quick hang-up on the other line. Plus, if you’re disturbing enough, there’s a good chance you’ll end up on a “Do Not Call” list without even asking.
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