More Effective Birth Control

There are times that I worry my children will get involved in dangerous activities. Then I remember that, in fact, they will have my DNA. There's already a fair chance they won't have a chance to get involved in anything dangerous.

Or fun, depending on how nerdishly they might lean.

Looking back, getting into anime and video games was probably exactly what I needed as a teenager. I had a lot of energy. It very well could have been used for evil. Well, actually, it was used for evil. But think of the most evil thing you could do while sitting on a futon and playing your eighth straight hour of "Star Fox 64." It's not exactly super-villainy at its best.

Of course, this all assumes I have children. Either way, that's a ways off. I haven't even begun to consider things like names, religion, or how exactly I plan to grow that sweet mustache in the comic.

My current mustache took twenty-six years to grow, and it's patchy - and that's being awfully generous, too.

In other news, thanks to everyone who took the time to vote! By a fairly overwhelming margin, the consensus is that people want to see lots of comics and comic/articles. As this is what I was hoping to do anyway, things really worked out there. Phew.

I apologize to the one person who voted for "invasive advertising" - if they really want it, maybe you can click on an ad and tell it open in a new window so it feels like a pop-up.

Now Even Avatar-ier?

Next week, the film "Avatar" is being released back into theaters as a Special Edition. At this point, there are two lingering questions on everyone's mind:

1) Will "Avatar: Special Edition" be the next "Avatar?"
2) As James Cameron currently has all money in the world, how will people be paying to go see this?

This particular blog hasn't been around long enough, but my views on Special Editions are well-documented throughout my own history. My commentary has ranged anywhere from "this movie didn't need to be remade" to "this was so bad it ruined the original movie" to non-verbal gagging noises.

Not all Special Editions are rampant grabs for money. Probably. That being said, releasing these do-overs is essentially like mowing someone's lawn badly, having them pay you, mowing it again and then asking to be paid a second time.

In summary, this strategy - at least from a money standpoint - is brilliant.

Oh, and I know I don't normally post on weekends, but this was a special occasion. One, it gives me an excuse to use the phrase "nerding for the weekend." Two, and more importantly, the blog has now reached 2,500 views! Thanks to everyone's eyes - who made all this possible.

Monster Hunter: Cha-Cha Masks

Sorry I've been on such a Monster Hunter Tri kick lately, but the game, frankly, is awesome. At times, there's not really much else I want to talk about. In fact, that being said, I withdraw my apology.

Anyway, it occurs to me that the masks available to Cha-Cha - your little in-game companion - aren't all that helpful. They might help you find a monster or cook meat, but these are all things you can do yourself much better. What you end up with is a tiny little masked helper who tends to run directly in your path when you're about to fire a weapon.

Here are a few new mask ideas I had that might have helped in Tri. At some point, I may do a few more of these, since I had fun with it. In the meanwhile, any others you think would have been useful?

Keep an eye out - I've been getting so much traffic lately I feel tempted to do a weekend edition as thanks.

Monster Hunter: Dragonator

I've been doing this fight enough lately that it really got me wondering.

Why in the world would an ancient civilization build a giant set of hydraulically-powered spikes? I assume it could be for the very same purposes I use it - jabbing big angry monsters. But part of me wonders if it originally had less sinister applications. Perhaps it was a primitive back-scratcher. Or maybe it was a large tool for getting at those hard-to-reach spots between teeth. And why, regardless of its use, was it given the name Dragonator - a name more suited to a heavy metal band?

Oh, and the writing is too small to see, but I can only assume the writing on his cooking apron is hilarious.

Not a Moment to Spare

Today, midway through a bag of Doritos and a marathon session of daytime Food Network, I realized I have no free time.

My lack of free time isn’t in the traditional sense, of course. It would be one thing to have too many obligations to do things. It’s quite another to be tied down by my own laziness. Between video games, cooking, movies, television, writing, drawing and other things that make me happy, I have very little time to get out much.

Case in point: “Inception.” I’ve been meaning to see this movie for at least a month now. My friends tell me it’s good. The critics say it’s good. But short of someone giving me a ride to the movies – most likely a friend and not a critic – I probably won’t make it.

I could claim there were other reasons, but it’s not true. I’m all for lying, certainly. My lies should at least sound plausible, though.

Granted, I’ve been spending a lot of time online lately. And this does eat up sizable portions of my day. Still, I’m not sure I could portray myself as a victim for talking on random forums about the ending of “Cowboy Bebop” or how bad security must be at Princess Peach’s castle for her to be kidnapped in every single Mario game ever.

And I seem like even less of a victim when my only problem is not having time to go to theaters.

In the meanwhile, I’ll just have to find a way to cope. And don’t worry – at least I still have Redbox. Until I find a better solution, I’m sure all your hopes and prayers are with me.

A Rare Adventure

I've never claimed to be the heroic type.

Of course, there are a lot of times I have to be. Though I’m somewhat of a wuss, Jess is a girl. And while that doesn’t make her any less brave, it does leave a lot of tasks like bug and animal killing to me, by virtue of the fact that these things give her the heeby-jeebies.

In the absence of an actual man in our household, these duties generally fall to me. I suppose I have the option of calling her parents to deal with small biting monsters, but I don’t think I’d come out of that looking very good. My general nerdiness is probably about as much as I can ask them to accept of the person dating their daughter these past few years. They’ve already been pretty good sports about my shortcomings, I think.

Spiders and other bugs aren’t too much trouble. This weekend, I had to take on a brown snake. While that may not sound like much, I assure you that it was the biggest brown snake ever seen by human eyes. I can only assume it lumbered – not slithered – out of the Amazon rainforest, where it’s been living for centuries consuming jaguars and other fearsome predators.

I don’t want to exaggerate, but it may have pulled out a lightsaber near the end of the fight.

Luckily, I was victorious. Though, the win was later tarnished when I suffered a severe oil burn trying to fry a piece of salmon. In that sense, though I won against a living snake, I lost badly to a deceased fish. This is only slightly better than the idea that I was also technically wounded by very warm bread crumbs.

Then again, I also made the fried fish into a sandwich. I don’t know a lot about winning fights. But I think I’d rather be a loser than a winner who was later eaten.

And, to be fair, that fish was seriously huge – like a prehistoric monster or something.

A Tool of a Thousand Uses...

Believe it or not, a relationship in mixed nerd/normal couple goes on without a lot of friction most days.

I've heard horror stories. I've even seen some particularly scary videos on YouTube displaying what happens when relationship dynamics get too badly out of balance. I won't go into great detail, but objects of value are thrown at walls, floors or boyfriends. The result is substantial emotional and physical damage.

Playing video games and watching anime has never been a huge problem for Jess. Besides the fact that she's into these things to some degree, I realize there are very set limits. Some boundaries can be nudged. Others should be avoided entirely. Sometimes I rely on subtle cues. When this fails, cries of, "If you watch one more episode of 'Cowboy Bebop,' I'm going to burn myself!" are enough to get the point across. Nerd behavior - like anything else - does not work in infinite doses.

Much of our bliss is also related to the fact that I stay out of the absolute worst nerd behaviors. Marathon play sessions of video games can be stomached. Collecting cards and figurines is more problematic.

Hence, this is why she doesn't have to worry about me buying giant replica swords and then trying to find a place for them. Much. For now.

As I have only my own situation to go by, I'm a little curious - how do your own relationships (friendship or romantic) play out when one of you is a nerd and the other isn't? Compromise? Combustion?

Do tell.

Monster Hunter: Great Jaggi

I won't pretend this joke is all that universal. But rest assured, most games probably have one enemy that's about as hard to finish as the Start Menu. For Monster Hunter Tri, that enemy is the Great Jaggi. While not particularly stronger or faster than its smaller counterparts, it does have a big frill on its neck. It has grown notorious among players as a monster that will die from anything the player does. The joke above, I assure you, is barely an exaggeration.

In more exciting news, the blog has zoomed on past its first 1000 views. I want to thank everyone who's made this possible. (Hint: If you're reading this at any point, it's you!) Here's looking forward to more milestones.

Oh, and incidentally, I write bonus material when I hit milestones - keep this in mind.

Hopefully, my enemies are stupid...

This is based on a future true story, so hopefully my girlfriend will be ready when the time comes.

If there's one thing I can't enough of, it's over-sized swords in anime and video games. The only downside is that the replicas are so horribly unwieldy. I suppose I could always implant myself with Jenovah cells like they did in the game to become a super soldier, but I seem to recall there were some side effects...

And not, like, those harmless headache-type things. I mean, like psychosis. And extremely spiky gelled hair.

Oh, and there's a poll up. What do you want to see more of on the blog? Please answer to the right.

The Ultimate Back-to-School Unlist

Every year starting sometime in July (yes – it’s that early), I’m accosted by the latest back-to-school lists. Call me skeptical, but I find it a little odd that each year, this list is slightly bigger. And this skepticism is tougher to brush aside when these lists are generally written by Target and Wal-Mart. As impartial as these retail giants might be, I have trouble trusting them for some reason.

Still, I’ve been to college. (And I was there for a long time.) I can honestly tell you that if the list includes more than pencils and notebooks, chances are, they’re padding it quite a bit.

Browsing these lists, I compiled a few of the worst offenders. I don’t know how they keep making it on these lists when no one actually uses them. But you’d be better off leaving them at home this year. If you find you need them, the majority can still be won in crooked card games with your roommate.

1) Graphing Calculator
Mark this down as the most useful item no one will let you use. It can make graphs, solve equations and basically make that well-trimmed melon atop your shoulders useless. And that’s exactly why professors ban them on tests.

2) Prepaid Phone Cards
It’s important to stay in touch as a family. But with the Internet alone, there are at least a dozen better ways to keep up in your child’s life. Besides, if you didn’t get your kid a cell phone, you probably don’t love them anyway. In which case, why would they need to call you?

3) Answering Machine
Within a few weeks, you’ll be so hard-pressed to avoid some people you’ll be wishing you’d forgotten it back at home anyway.

4) Entire Medicine Cabinet
Health is key in college. Because you’re crammed in close quarters with at least five thousand other sick people, it’s also impossible. Until your immune system gears up by year three, you’ll be getting sick no matter what – there’s barely any point in treating anything but the symptoms. That’s why all you really need is PM cold medicine. It might not get rid of everything, but it will make you sleep. Most, if not all, symptoms are far more manageable when you’re not there to have them.

5) Alarm Clock
I’ve yet to set an alarm clock for any important occasion where it hasn’t failed miserably. After a few failed attempts to conquer the “AM/PM mystery,” low volume and random power outages, I just gave up. From then on, I just used my cell phone alarm. It’s digital, immune to blackouts and can be (and is) programmed to wake me up with Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

6) Deodorant
That was a test – if you agreed, I either hate you or you’re my first college roommate.

7) College Posters
I’m not against all posters on walls. They’re a quick way to show things you like, what you’re about and your individual taste. But is it really your individual taste when you have the same three posters as every other person who went to college in history?

Either way, you’re probably better off packing with your gut. I mean that in the sense of instinct. Though packing nothing but Easy Mac and instant mashed potatoes isn’t the worst idea I’ve ever heard.

What about you – anything you’d be better off leaving with your parents?